i'm from these united states... well 49 of them anyway, i don't recognize Connecticut, it knows what it did... but for some reason i'm gay for british programming lately. maybe because they're more lax with their censoring or maybe because hearing about things like the X Factor and a bunch of unknown british celebrities doesn't make me want to grab a sniper rifle and a six pack the way American Idol and known american celebs does. but whatever the reason, it seems like british tv is broken down into two groups--those that use catchphrases and those that don't. i much prefer the ones that don't just like i prefer shows without laugh tracks, so your difficult task in this contest is to create a comic using a catchphrase that i'll find funny

i'll judge in 10 to 14 days. "good luck, have fun!" *laughtrack*

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what if nigger meant kite

if i had a dollar for every joke The Simpsons stole from me, the child pornography ones alone would buy me that boat

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what if nigger meant kite

CC by HCRoyall 8-23-11

Sweet! Five bucks in the pocket of this coat! Man, if I had access to a Baldwin for every time I've found money in an old article of clothing... I'd be a much happier man.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

cc484: CULT OF THE 'PELVIC THRUST'. by bigworm 8-23-11

That's right... WHIP your pelvis to and fro, front and back! SNAP it to the front, then SNAP it to the back! Like this? You are thrusting like a statue! Are you even moving?!! Do you even remember our credo? Yes, I'm moving, and I sort of remember the credo. It's just that it's all so... so... homosexual to say the least. Homosexual or not... "YOU RAPE THE GRAVY, YOU GET THE CHOCOLATE ." You want some chocolate? Come get yer gravy!

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bigworm

Groovy! - Broke-ass Motherfucker by edoggydog 8-23-11

...and that's when I decided to buy both Bentleys for half a million apiece! Groovy! You see, I use my riches to buy things to make me happy. But, you look like a man of limited means. You must be miserable... Listen, old man... I live by the catch phrase, "I don't need money to make me happy." So, you're saying you actually are happy? Fuck no! It's hard to be happy when you're broke all the time...

cc484: There's a BIG FAT line between 'real' & 'unreal'... by bigworm 8-24-11

You know that song 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'? It just pisses me off! It's like telling a poor Brazilian orphan, "Don't eat out of the landfill, eat at a fancy restaurant." Calm down! It's just a 'jingle', and a cute one at that! I don't think it's intended to be a working philosophy. So, as a 'jingle'... it works great! I get where you're comin' from, but people have 'real' problems, so why not sing a 'real' song that offers something 'real'? I'll tell you what a 'REAL' problem is bucko! A 'REAL' problem is my fucking 1/2" dick! Talk about 'REAL' problems... try having a 1/2" fucking dick!!! Wow! That is a 'real' problem. I'm sorry. I... I don't know what to say... uhhh... "DON'T WORRY, BECOME A WOMAN"? Yeh, okay.

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bigworm

Smell My Finger! by four_legged_tripod 8-24-11

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, and one more thing... Smell my finger! Okay people, that's a wrap. We start shooting again in the morning. Listen J.J., could you talk to the writers and see what we can do about my catch phrase? "Smell my finger" just isn't working for me. Come on now Peter, it's a great catch phrase that can be used in any situation. Just try it tonight and I'm sure you'll agree. Hey baby. Wanna party? Are you kiddin'? Smell my finger!

Smell My Finger! by four_legged_tripod 8-24-11

Up against the car sir. We got you on soliciting a prostitute. Have you been drinking? Why don't you just smell my finger? *sniff* Your finger smells drunk to me. Looks like you'll be spending the night in the slammer. Fuck you pig. You can go smell my finger! Hey sweet stuff. Wanna party? Wouldn't you rather just smell my finger?

Smell My Finger! by four_legged_tripod 8-24-11

Hey, Peter baby! How'd it go last night? Peter? Come on. Talk to me. It couldn't have been that bad could it? Care to smell my finger? *sniff* So ass rape smells like copper tubing and the tears of an eight year old huh? Who knew?

Smell My Finger! by four_legged_tripod 8-24-11

Good news Pete! I spoke with the writers and they agreed to change your catch phrase! What is it? "This is my bowl of happiness. Don't fuck with my bowl of happiness!" I don't know J.J. Let me try it out and see how it feels. They need you on set in five Mr. Godwell. This is my bowl of happiness! Don't fuck with my bowl of happiness!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Groovy! - GROOVY!! by edoggydog 8-25-11

For this comic contest, we need to come up with a catchy catch phrase or even a catch word. Groovy! Some kind of catch phrase or catch word that will be repeated around the watercooler or at the local gay bar. GROOVY!! Any ideas for a catch phrase or catch WORD? Haven't the foggiest!

CC by HCRoyall 8-29-11

So she's done, I'm three seconds away from mine, and all of a sudden she pushes me off and says she has to go. Man, if I had access to a Baldwin every time that happened to me... You'd be raping them all with fenceposts wrapped in barbed wire. You mention that at least ten times a day. Man, if I had access to a Baldwin every time you interrupted my catch phrase...

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

CC by HCRoyall 8-29-11

... and then Ted began using profanity and he even tossed my chair down the hall. I called security because I wa fearing for my safety. Look, Ken, the thing is, nobody likes you. Nobody wants to hear you go on about the Baldwins, okay? Nobody likes them, to the extent that we don't even want to hear about them. In fact, if you weren't the CEO's nephew I'd have security beat the shit out of you and fire your ass. As it stands, I'm going to transfer you to accounting and give you a raise if you promise to never use that stupid catch phrase again. Man, if I had access to a Baldwin every time you offered me that deal...

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

If Mandingo Had a Catchphrase

go rape a kite!

by four_legged_tripod, 8-29-11

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

cc 484: YOU MEAN KINDA' LIKE, SIMILAR TO A HUGE FLAG...? by bigworm 8-30-11

You'd better believe it's big... asshole! Just wait a minute, I'll show ya'! I'll whup it out and club ya' wid it! "Hold yer horses! It takes a while to unfurl!"

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bigworm

Spartacus: Dogs of the Arena by biped 8-30-11

HEE HAW!!! ME DOG-ON-BALL!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! BEEP BEEP!!! Apologies, Doggus-On-Ballus. But that "catchphrase" will scarcely command influence within the Roman senate. KISS MY BUTT, ROMAN SENATE!!! GRRRRR!!! ME PEE-PEE ON YOUR LEGS AND HUMP YOUR MOM'S FACE!!! MEOW MEOW!!! ME KITTY CAT!!! You hear that, everybody? It's a SLAVE REVOLT! KILL 'EM ALL!!! HEE HAW!!! ME SPARTACUS-ON-BALL!!! ME CONQUER ROME AND POOP ON IT!!!WOOF WOOF!!! I'M SPARTACUS-ON-BALL!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Groovy! - Fart Club by edoggydog 8-31-11

...and that's when I realized the cat wasn't fucking around, so I pulled out my .44 and blew it into the next Muslim holiday! Groovy! Now, getting back to the club I'm forming... The first rule of Fart Club is we don't talk about Fart Club! I don't think using the theme from the last comic contest as a catch phrase is going to win this contest... Smell my finger! Taken.

CC by HCRoyall 9-01-11

Did you hear?! James' wife left him last night, and now he's out on the roof, threatening to jump! Yeah, and somebody thought it was a good idea to send Ken out to talk to him. What kinda odds are we looking at if I put money on when James jumps? 3:1 on the first catchphrase, 7:2 on the second, and 5:4 on the third. She took everything? Man, if I had access to a Baldwin every... AIIIEEEEEE!!!!

CC by HCRoyall 9-01-11

As we gather here to honor the passing of our dear friend James, I invite you all to come forward and share your fondest memories to help ease the grief. James was always a big football fan. Man, if I had access to a Baldwin every time he accurately predicted a game outcome... You are a filthy, disgusting human being for repeating what caused James to kill himself and you will burn in Hell for all eternity. Man, if I had access to a Baldwin every time a priest told me I'd burn in Hell for all eternity... You'd already be there like we wish you were, along with the Baldwins!

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

SEXUAL LOGIC- Pt.8- Don't forget romance- [cc 484] by bigworm 9-01-11

Oh YUCK! *shpit shpit spew* I can't believe it! *yechh, echhh* We just finished talking about it, and you do it again, you fucking asshole! Please, I'm begging you to understand! It was in the heat of the moment! Just think, my dick was in your mouth... plus "I WAS INCITED TO LUST BY THE SIGHT OF YOUR PULCHRITUDINOUS KNOCKER-BAGS..." God help me, he is SO romantic! ... swinging to and fro, to and fro... and in the context of the 'non-didactic', one-way 'force-directional', sackular and fountainish love-juice flow, you said "Let loose, let loose". Honey, I'm so sorry for getting angry! Please forgive me! Maybe a little 'forgive me kiss'? Kiss you right now? Are you fucking serious?

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bigworm

Porkman & Finchy Do Not Deserve A Cowboy Physics Tribute by ZMannZilla 9-01-11

Holy Cursewords Porkman! Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves! THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!! Mmmmnope, sorry Porkman, I don't think we're at the "comfortable silence" phase of our relationship What the fuck are you talking about? I FELT THAT!!!

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

I think, no matter who is awarded the honor of creating the next contest, that we are all winners for getting another Porkman and Finchy comic out of this contest.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Spooningism by Namgubed 11-24-09

There he goes with "Tommy", the old brain-damaged cat the animal shelter gave him. Well, it just goes to show you - you get what you pay for. And there's rumors flying around that their relationship may be ... less than appropriate. Well, it just goes to show you - you pet what you're gay for.

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"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

judging time! smell my finger!

honorable mention to the four legged one, HC, and e. dog e. dog, but goddamn if i don't have to hand it back to bigworm again

SEXUAL LOGIC- Pt.8- Don't forget romance- [cc 484] by bigworm 9-01-11

Oh YUCK! *shpit shpit spew* I can't believe it! *yechh, echhh* We just finished talking about it, and you do it again, you fucking asshole! Please, I'm begging you to understand! It was in the heat of the moment! Just think, my dick was in your mouth... plus "I WAS INCITED TO LUST BY THE SIGHT OF YOUR PULCHRITUDINOUS KNOCKER-BAGS..." God help me, he is SO romantic! ... swinging to and fro, to and fro... and in the context of the 'non-didactic', one-way 'force-directional', sackular and fountainish love-juice flow, you said "Let loose, let loose". Honey, I'm so sorry for getting angry! Please forgive me! Maybe a little 'forgive me kiss'? Kiss you right now? Are you fucking serious?

using "PULCHRITUDINOUS KNOCKER-BAGS" not only wins bigworm the contest, but also my butt hymen. excuse me while i go giftwrap it in Axe body spray and that papery stuff they wrap sausages in

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what if nigger meant kite

I'm having a run of good luck right now, and I'm appreciative of that.

However, a question of some merit has arisen and needs to be asked. Does having an intact butt-hymen go hand in hand with 'weak stream'?  I'm trying hard to reconcile the two such that... well, such that... *ahem*, reconciliation can ocurr. So, there we have the question of merit, and I did address it. All is well.

So, with the important stuff like that said, I will be back shortly with the new CC idea.

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bigworm

bigwormmy weak stream of young girlish flowrate urine is in fact caused by what doctors refer to, after mouth vomitting, as a "floating" butt hymen. sometimes it's hiding behind my duodenum, sometimes it pretends it's a freckle. one time i had this really bad taste in my mouth, another i'm pretty sure it was the ice cream man who said he was out of Peppermint Fudge Ribbon. always it's watching... and waiting

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what if nigger meant kite