And a full tip of the hat to crabby for the idea marching into RMDC like he was a brand new stripper and posting comics from when he was a brand new stripper. After all, back when we were brand new strippers, there wasn't even an RMDC! Like when I was brand new, two years ago today. Which of course is the justification for this post.

On that Tuesday two trips around the sun ago, I was led to this site by a twist of circumstance (and a random number generator) that has been explained before, and won't be repeated here in order to protect the innocent and keep you from going to Nebraska and lynching her. And at some point, I banged the "make a comic" button, twiddled around with some backgrounds and characters, eventually found an idea I could play with, and soon came up with this:

Only You Can Prevent Forrest Fires by kaufman 5-15-01

My mama told me life is like a box of caramels. My mama told me life is like a bag of sugar. No, it's definitely like a box of caramels. I'm telling you, it's like a bag of sugar. But hey, after all, what is caramel anyway?

Yeah, I know. Spontaneous combustion gag, ha ha ha! See why I don't chide newcomers too hard for doing what comes naturally when they're just getting their legs here? (Admittedly, that one had three advantages on your typical someone-catches-fire comic: an explanation for it happening tied in with a little joke (Spock: "A very little joke."), the first of my trademark gratuitous punny titles, and of course, NO, ZERO, ZIP, NADA! GRATUITOUS NARRATION BOXES!!!!).

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, in the other 30 or so comics I whipped off that day, I got more experimental and original. From the free-form

Random Haikomik #1 by kaufman 5-15-01

A goat and a squirrel Good Friday reenactors Mir cruises above

to the whimsical

Nightmare on Barnum St. by kaufman 5-15-01

Can't sleep! Clowns'll wreck the background! Can't sleep! Clowns'll wreck the background! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

to several featuring our old friend Cthulhu.

Public Service Announcement by kaufman 5-15-01

Phnoggg urgggh glnkhgh bzzflpt! Zwlkblbl rhhnmmlikhj. Khnqlgghh Jrrghhnknkr cute little fluffy bunnies cuddle-wookums glehhnkolhar smuughnght. Yecch! One out of every ninety-two Cthulhus has Tourette's Syndrome. Won't you please help?

But even then, all my jokes were sophisticated.

One Partly Sunny Day in Stepford by kaufman 5-15-01

So, when do you think the tech stocks will rebound, Herb? nnnnnnngggggggg.... Who do you think provides the better outlook on life, Asimov or Roddenberry? nnnnnrrrrrgggggg.... Oh, heavens! I had no idea you'd gotten a robotomy.

Ok, maybe not. But I got better. Honestly. Read my stuff if you care to.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I love you, Kaufman.

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“It is only with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” - The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1945)

That stuff is still way above most of the stupid crap you read here. It's interesting, because one can see your inexperience, but at the same time you're coming up with original stuff, as opposed to horrendously bad stuff. Inexperience does not excuse horrendous comics. For example:

Happy Little Robot by Trippingbillee 1-15-03

Hey Robot, why are you crying? I am saddened by modern theories of identity. I have no soul or continuing stream of consciousness, so therefore I have no identity. The me that will exist tomorrow will be a different person. Why is there a robot in my room?

My first comic. Note the artistic use of the over-inflated dialogue bubble that creates a hole in space-time below their feet.

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Sex Piano.

Should we start a spontaneous combustion thread?

What's the Antimatter with You? by Bargaintuan 2-11-03

I just invented a machine that can create unlimited amounts of antimatter from seawater! Isn't antimatter extremely unstable?

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Life is a lot like getting mugged; you get your kicks, you take your punches, and when it's over, someone else gets your cash.

Today's my third anniversary! So here are five more pieces of history from my Day One:

So Long and Thanks for all the Great Danes! by kaufman 5-15-01

You might think it's amazing that a dog can balance on a ball and stuff ... But let me tell you, that's mundane compared to ... The size of that humongous seal underneath me!

Gates of Hell by kaufman 5-15-01

I'll have you know that Blue Screen is my creation.

Blooper Reel by kaufman 5-15-01

Dammit, Jim, I'm gonna kill Scotty when we get beamed back up. Never mind that, Bones, Yeoman Rand is toast. This wouldn't have happened if she'd washed our other uniforms so we didn't have to wear red! And wait till Spock gets a load of us. His pointy ears aren't so big any more, are they! Uh, Bones, I'm sorry, but this is my contractual obligation ... No, Jim, you can't! Sorry, Bones, you know the rules, I get to seduce the hot alien-looking creature.

Fire Elemental High School by kaufman 5-15-01

I think Joey likes me. Joey? No way! Yes way! Guess what he did to me third period? What? He gave me ... a hotfoot! Oooooooh!

Wait till she wants to sell her soul by kaufman 5-15-01

And I want an Easy Bake Oven and a Barbie and a My Little Pony ... Excuse me, I think you've got the wrong guy. No, you're going to come down the chimney and give me all those things. I tell you, I'm SATAN, not SANTA! I *hate* dyslexics.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

And because you're such a good audience, five more pieces of first-day time-wasting!

The Love Craft by kaufman 5-15-01

Ok, you've had it. Prepare to be beaten to a pulp! Uh, hang on one minute. Your attention please ... pinch-hitting for Okamura: Cthulhu. Oh, shit! Mmmmmm, snacktime.

Highlights Outtakes by kaufman 5-15-01

Gallant knows five recipes for hasenpfeffer. Goofus runs over the rabbit and donates it to McDonald's. Gallant repopulates this mountain stream with baby salmon. Goofus repopulates it with dirt snakes. Gallant died for your sins. Goofus gets off on nails through his wrists.

International Brotherhood of Gollums ON STRIKE! by kaufman 5-15-01

What has we gots in our picketses? What do we want? Preciousssses! When do we want it? NOW!!! And we also want hobbitsses in the cafeteria three nights a week. Nasty managements hurtses us

Busted! by kaufman 5-15-01

FREEZE! Thou art under arrest for forbidden use of electricity. Under arrest? Who art thou? I am Ezra Schmidt, Undercover Amishman!

Cruceffects by kaufman 5-15-01

Jesus Christ, that's only two pull-ups. Can't you do better than that? You've gone flabby on me! Mrs. Johnson, I think I found the problem with your phone pole. A goat ate all the wires! Piece of cake. You just hang up there in that diaper all week and we'll pledge you into Gamma Kappa!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Those were great. It's as though you sprang fully-grown out of somebody's head.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

And now some second-day covers from 3 years ago:

From the Unabridged Bible by kaufman 5-16-01

This won't work. I need a fig leaf in an extra large. Pharaoh, if you don't let my people go, the Eleventh Plague will be inflicted on Egypt: Disco! Get out of here, now! Luke, I am your father

Another Science Lesson by kaufman 5-16-01

Most things fall downward. But watch what happens to this helium balloon. Helium It rises, because it's lighter than air. Helium We would have done this demonstration with hydrogen -- it's more dramatic -- but when we tried it, we burned down the lab. Oh, the humanity! Helium

Why Microsoft Scrabble Isn't Popular (corrected) by kaufman 5-16-01

ENTER WORD. APPLE in spaces E3-E7 And the first P's on a Triple Letter Score, so that's 19 points. ILLEGAL WORD. NOT IN DICTIONARY. YOU LOSE!

If TITANIC were written by a Jewish mother by kaufman 5-16-01

Oh no, Rose, I think the ship just hit an iceberg! I don't care, Jack. You can't go in the water without putting on a sweater. It's freezing. You'll catch cold! And you can't go in for an hour anyway. You just ate! But does the putz listen? Of course not!

Forever Clueless by kaufman 5-16-01

I think Colonel Mustard did it in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe. No way, it was Mrs. Peacock in the Study with the Candlestick. Uh uh. Officer Puce did it in the Crawl Space with the Chainsaw. I say it was Count Ultraviolet in the Chimney with the Rototiller. Agent Orange in the Medicine Cabinet with the Melon Baller. Hey, that's right. YOU CHEATED!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Rate "good", next, rate "good", next....

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

I don't know...on the second day it looks as though you were just coasting on the former glory of your first day. On the third day you were probably just a washed-up has-been on the street doing some degrading herky-jerky dance in a tutu for nickels.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Judge for yourself, though by Day 3 I was gasping for air. Only six comics, including:

Evolution of a lie by kaufman 5-17-01

Son, don't touch yourself there. If you do, you'll tear open the fabric of reality and open a rift of pure chaos! Cool. Bastard! heheheheh By the second child ... Son, don't touch yourself there. If you do, you'll go blind and grow hair all over your palms! Yuccchh.

Resurrecch by kaufman 5-17-01

Doctor, I hear you can bring back the dead. Can you please take care of my wife? I think so, let me take a look at her. Oh yes, this should be no problem at all! Two minutes and one impressive flash later ... glurp. Oh hell, I brought in the wrong skeleton.

Speedball by kaufman 5-17-01

Scientists have invented a new, environmentally-friendly means of rapid transportation. Here to demonstrate, our intrepid traveler leaves Washington DC at 8 AM. By 9:30, he's zooming across Iowa ... ... and by noon, he's in San Francisco. Oops, it looks like they're still ironing out a few bugs in the brake system.

A Haiku and a Limerick walk into a bar by kaufman 5-17-01

Long Island Iced Tea. I would like a whiskey and water. No ice, I prefer my drinks hotter. Easy on the vodka, please. And bartender fella, Nix on that umbrella. I do have to drive. I want a small plastic fly-swatter.

Beating around the Bush by kaufman 5-17-01

White House Security, how may I help you? This is William Peterson. I need to be let in -- I have an 8:30 appointment with the President. I'm sorry, Mr. Bush says he knows no William Peterson. *sigh* Tell him it's "Skiddy-Pants". Yes, indeed. Step right in, Skiddy. I hate this administration.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Drat, I was planning a "Dog On Ball crosses America" comic. Stop doing stuff three years before I think of it!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Aaaah, kaufman. Like that first taste of vanilla ice cream.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

I thought "5/29 is just around the corner... I could do my own 'first day' post." And then I read my stuff.

Nice kick off, Dr. K!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet