All comics by AtheistDiary

Profile

 

by AtheistDiary
4-20-03
Can I help you?
I\'m looking for a recipe for fetus pot pie.
This is one of those moments where I should mind my own fucking business, isn\'t it?
Indeed.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-20-03
JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-21-03
looks can be decieving.
yes, for example, I'm really Korean.
And I'm really a transsexual Amish minister who likes to eat the feces of small Guatemalan children and rape elderly flight attendants with a switchblade tied to a cucumber!
I guess he doesn't like Amish people.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-21-03
Awwww.... you're feeding your baby! How cute!
Actually I'm injecting my baby with liquid crack.
THAT'S TERRIBLE!!
Jeez! I'm just kidding!
Oh, ok.
This baby is really yours.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-21-03
YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE! YOU ARE THE ALL SINGING, ALL DANCING CRAP OF THE WORLD!
You're still pissed that I gave you a wedgie, aren't you?

 

by AtheistDiary
4-23-03
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAR THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF THE COUNTRY, YOU NAZI LOVING COMMUNIST!!!
I thought you were all about peace & love, man?
Nah, I gave that shit up for lent.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-23-03
I was gunna start a cult, but then I got high. I was gunna be the King of the Jews, but I got high.
Now I'm crucified and I know why!
Why, man?
Hey hey! Because I got high! Because I got high! Because I got hiiiiigh!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-25-03
Is this fucker gunna give us some lines to say or not?
This is the last time I let you talk me into working for some fart-huffing atheist hippie!

 

by AtheistDiary
4-25-03
Jesus, what would help me to bring more people to the Lord?
HOW ABOUT YA STOP MOLESTING KIDS, YA SICK FUCK!
oh ...
you know you really are a pain in the ass, JC.
That's what my wife keeps telling me.

 

by AtheistDiary
4-26-03
Why are we working for this guy? Most of his comics are gay and don't make any sense!
Ya, no kidding! Hey, Atheist Diary! Maybe you should get a hobby or something cause your comics are not funny!
It's good to be the king :)

 

by AtheistDiary
5-06-03
I am the Lord God, your Father in Heaven and Your Key to Eternal Salvation. I can take on any form which pleases you so that you may welcome me into your heart.
hmmm... ok, how about a big floating ass-raped Yahoo Serious head?
Dude, lighten up. I was just fuckin' kidding.
I'm just glad you didn't go with your original thought of Elvis in a pair of blue suede spandex!

 

by AtheistDiary
5-25-03
JESUS IS THE WAY! SODOMY IS WRONG! ABORTION_IS_MURDER!
What about mass murder?
THAT'S WRONG, TOO!
Unless of course you're the governer of Texas or the President of the United States ...
YEEEEEEHAWW!!!

 

by AtheistDiary
5-27-03
Mom, have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?
Are you telling me you have never douched??
I guess that would explain my craving lately for tartar sauce ...

 

by AtheistDiary
10-09-03
Reverend_Pedophile, your sentence is to spend the rest of eternity here in Hell where your testicles will be filled with maggot eggs & your eyeballs will be repeatedly slammed in by red hot daggers...
Your intestines will fall out of your ass, you will endlessly cough up bloody pus, and the flesh under your crotch will be slowly picked away by poisonous fire ants. But I do have some good news ...
What's that?
I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-10-03
Welcome to the First Guidian Church of Christ.
Wow! I've heard of you guys before, but never met a Guidian until now. What is it you guys do anyway?
We work tirelessly to bring you many services of the Lord, including placement of fresh new bibles in every hotel room each night.
That's funny. I was in my room every night last week and I didn't see any of you guys come to my door.
and as the clock strikes midnight ...
Done with all the rooms at Motel 6. No one saw a thing.
We hire outside rescources.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-11-03
... and so far no Weapons of Mass Destruction have been found in Iraq ...
Listen here, Missy! They still could be there!
In other news, George "Dubya" Bush has announced that he feels that it was his devine right, as appointed by God, to invade Iraq and "liberate their people".
He did, I swear! I saw it in a dream!
And in a related story, a quick call to Enzyte could make my penis 3 inches bigger.
Hey, it could happen!

 

by AtheistDiary
10-11-03
A BRUTHA GETS NO RESPECT IN AMERICA!
THEM CRACKA'Z BRINGS US DOWN! THE WHITE DEVIL OPPRESSES DA BLACK MAN! AIN'T NO WAY A BRUTHA' CAN GIT' NO WORK WIT' DA MAN ALWAYS BREATHIN' DOWN OUR NECKS, YO!
Hey, Jamal. Get the fuck back to work!
Sorry, boss.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-11-03
Your honor, my clients would like to sue this company who produces a popular best selling video game because their kids went out and shot up a bunch of people after playing it.
We move that the game inspires violence and causes children to kill.
What about the thousands of rational people who play the game every year & don't commit these violent acts in real life? Are you essentially saying that your clients, and their children, are idiots?
Shit, I was hoping he wasn't going to ask that.
CASE DISMISSED!

 

by AtheistDiary
10-11-03
In national news: With homelessness on the rise, you could be next in this slumping economy! We'll give you a full report of the fiscal year & ways on how to get a better jump in today's job market.
But first: DID J LO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH BEN???? plus A YEARLY REVIEW OF AMERICAN GLADIATORS! Should the new cast of Survivor appear on it's next season?? Stay tuned!!!
Fiscal Year? Isn't that P. Diddy's new name?

 

by AtheistDiary
10-13-03
Arnold, you've stated that you're pro-legalization of marijuana and prostitution, and you're for women's right including being pro-choice. But strangly you are anti-Gay Marriage. What's that about?
I feel that marriage is a sacred union between an honorable man and his special, respectable woman only.
Sounds more like you're afraid of tarnishing your own masculinity by voting for something that might make you look possibly gay.
Did I mention I gang banged a bunch of sluts as a teenager?

 

by AtheistDiary
10-16-03
You will worship me for all eternity! This I have decreed & it must be so for this is the will of Queen Demonica, Scourge of the Seven C's, Destroyer of Nations, Crusher of Dreams, Ripper of-
You want another blow job, don't you?
You know I love it when you get all meglomaniacal, baby!

 

by AtheistDiary
10-17-03
"Autopsies Gone Wild!"
"Deliverance 2: The Second Cumming of Christ"
"8 Simple Rules for Pimping My Preteen Daughter"
"Chicken Soup for the Red Neck Racist Soul"
"Letting the Healing Begin" with your host Osama bin Ladin
"The Berenstain Bears Do Snuff"

 

by AtheistDiary
10-19-03
Welcome to my planet. I extend my hand in galactic friendship! And as a sign of good will, I'll now tell you the secrets of the Universe.
***beep beep!*** ***beep beep!*** ***beep beep!***
Crap. Oprah's on. See ya!
Intelligent life, my ass ...

 

by AtheistDiary
10-20-03
Atheist, I didn't have enough to pay my fine, so they threw me in jail. Can you bail me out?
Remember that priest joke you did about me?
Enjoy!
ah crap.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-20-03
You american women crack me up. You buy tampons, a gallon drum of ice cream, 20 chocolate bars, and then a bottle of diet soda.
Honestly, what is the point of the diet soda?
Listen, Habib. Ring my god damn items up and hand 'em over before I rip off your head and shit down your mother fucking neck!
Comprende', camel jockey??
Sounds like Sister Mary's "friend" is visiting again.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-21-03
ooooh .... lookie what we got here! *zip!*
"Trouble! I'm trouble now!"
OH YA! OH YA! You can BEAT ME, ANYTIME, BABY!
"I'm trouble, ya'll!"
Hey, Atheist, are you --- Oh_Dear_God
Hey, you've got MacGuyver! Leave me to my vices! ... oh and hand me a tissue ...

 

by AtheistDiary
10-23-03
Hey, man, what are you doing?
I went to Pornolize.com and decided to Pornolize Ivy's Strips.
"Damn...they know what a gangbanging cunt slut wants..." Dude, she's gunna kill you.
Maybe ...
or ...
Hey, cheese dick chicken fart, what are you cum-slurping?
I went to poonnanny Pornolize.com and jerkingly decided to "sperm gobble" this midget slapping Strip, too.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-27-03
63% of America feels that Rumsfeld is bringing down the GOP with him.
85% of all inmates think forced sodomy is a pain in the ass.
100% of all alter boys think the same thing, jerk.
82% of Strip Creator users think Atheist is a sexier cartoon character than Robert Evans.
You bet your sweet ass I am!
oh, please.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-27-03
"Preperation H - The Tooth Paste for Assholes!"
"Vote for Schwartzenegar ... just because he sounds like a Nazi, doesn't mean he groped one!"
"Road Kill: The OTHER White Meat!"
"Try Anal Sex ... because it sure beats being 17 and knocked up!"
"The Oven Master 5000! It's so handy, even Jews don't mind using it!"
Wow ... I think I've reached a whole new low with this one.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-27-03
Hello, son. If you have a moment, I'd like to talk to you about our Lord Jesus Christ.
Ah, no need. He's in the backyard right now by the pool.
um ... he is?
Ya, come on. I'll show you.
JC? What are you doing here??
Just hangin' out ...

 

by AtheistDiary
10-29-03
Why was Grace Budd always depressed?
Because she knew someday she would become Fish food.
Man, that's fucked up ... even by MY standards.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-29-03
If you like my comics,
go to my site at

AtheistDiary.com
No punchline, folks, just shamelessly being a web whore.

 

by AtheistDiary
10-29-03
What's with the new fish over there?
I dunnow. He came in here about an hour ago, started walking in circles, and mumbling to something in his hand over and over again. I'm gunna go dry rape the bitch.
OH MY GOD! OH FUCK! THAT HURTS! STOP!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Got anything else you'd like to say, bitch boy?
Can you hear me now? Good!

 

by AtheistDiary
10-31-03
What are you going as for Halloween?
I was thinking something along the lines of a floating, ass-raped Yahoo Serious head.
A what?
Happy Halloween
Sorry I asked.
This joke never gets old.

 

by AtheistDiary
11-02-03
Elizabeth Smart ... America's sweetheart. What a tragedy.
Oh fuckin' please. Some dumb ass mormon white girl get kidnapped and the American media goes ape shit.
Nevermind the fact that she was held in very loose captivity with plenty of chances to escape. Nevermind the fact that she was constantly within walking distance of her own house.
And nevermind the fact that if this had been a black kid, you would have never heard about it on the news or anywhere else.
... and in other news John Ashcroft and Donald Rumsfeld ...
Ok, that's it. Where the hell is Ivy's golf club?

 

by AtheistDiary
11-02-03
The California Fires
I dun care if the fires are only 20 minutes away! I ain't leavin' til I see them trees in mah front yard go up in flames!
We'll certainly have lost a valuable contributor to the gene pool.
George "DUHbya" Bush
I was devinely appointed by God to invade Iraq and liberate it's people!
And they say Charles Manson is bat shit crazy?
Dating
I think I'd rather just be friends. But you can still buy me things and I'll constantly unload all my problems onto you like an emotional tampon. We just can't fuck. You understand, right?
Why oh why is prostitution not legal? It's much cheaper and so much more sane.

 

by AtheistDiary
11-05-03
The Basic Premise of a Hospital Asthma Care Commercial I Saw Today
What's a good way to send a positive message to viewers about how much we care about children with asthma?
Hey, I know! We can trap a gold fish in a glass container, slowly let the water out, and film it's tortured, dying gasps for air! That'll show the purest essence of compassion!
uh ... wait a sec, didn't we already use that premise for an anti-drug commercial?
Ya, I'm not a very creative ad executive. And as it turns out, I'm also a sick evil fuck! Who knew?

 

by AtheistDiary
11-06-03
(due to limited characters, try to suspend disbelief on this one)
Welcome back to Tough Crowd with Collin Quinn. Our subject now is Iraq. Do you think we should even be there, Atheist?
Not really, Collin. I don't think that --
WHAT??! HOW DARE YOU HAVE AN OPINION ON THIS SUBJECT THAT DIFFERS FROM MINE?!? NO! NO! SHUT UP, DUMMY! IF I YELL LOUDER THAN YOU AND KICK MY TABLE ENOUGH, I'LL BE EVEN MORE RIGHTER THAN YOU, STUPID!!!
I would absolutely love to cave your skull in with a baseball bat.
HA! You think a bat would make it through THIS thick head? I thwart your evil plan!

 

by AtheistDiary
11-06-03
@ Yahoo.com
A Yahoo group for Friskies CAT FOOD?
@ GodHatesFags.com
... and this guy is claiming to be a loving christian?
Meanwhile @ AtheistDiary.com
Anal Sex 101 by Dr. Atheist Diary??
I gotz me a PH.D. in Sodomy! Oh ya!

 

by AtheistDiary
11-07-03
Many people at Strip Creator ask me if I look the same in Real Life as I do in my SC strips. Actually, the answer is no. If you knew what I really looked like, you'd flee in terror.
This is what he really looks like.
What? IVY, NO!!
I am so gunna get you for this.

 

by AtheistDiary
11-10-03
... so now I'm stuck like this cause Ivy stole my damn pencil. You wouldn't happen to know where it is, do you?
Sorry, Atheist, I haven't seen her in a few days now.
Great, now how the hell am I going to explain this to the chicks down at the titty bar?
muahahahahaha ...
Why do I have the sudden feeling that I'm about to have yet another reason to wish Ivy great suffering?

 

by AtheistDiary
11-10-03
Earlier today I did a strip about Prince Charles and the current royal scandal. I had to take it down, though, because I got the gender of the servant wrong. It's too bad, cause it was pretty funny.
muahahahahaha
Gawd dammit, Ivy, turn me back to normal!
Define normal, ya whiney lil' bitch *grin*

 

by AtheistDiary
11-11-03
(See IvythePlant's "Ivy Decides to Play" strip for the missing backstory to Atheist's transformation)
It was reported today in the news that there have been over 1,300 disappearances of radioactive materials in the past 5 years here in the US.
Alright, Ivy. Turn me back to normal and I won't tell 'em your ugly secret.
*grumble grumble*
About damn time! I was starting to get flees around my crotch.
Those weren't flees. And I'd seriously look into getting those warts checked out as well...

 

by AtheistDiary
11-14-03
Hello, sir. I would like to talk to you about switching to our brand new long distance service.
Hey, wait a minute. I put my number on the No Call list months ago. What gives?
Yes, sir, but we have actually found a great loophole.
And that is?
As it turns out, some of us don't give a fuck what you say.
Wow, this sounds just like George Dubya's Iraq invasion plan.

 

by AtheistDiary
11-16-03
Oh man. That dirty blonde Ellen Muth from Dead Like Me is fuckin' HOT! She's angsty, she's apathetic, and she's got a sweet ass!
Oh, baby! Touch my tallywacker and take my soul away to heaven!
Atheist Diary, I have come to - What the hell?!?
"Oh, baby, just put your MUTH on me. Heh! Heh! Heh!" OH YA!

 

by AtheistDiary
11-16-03
Holy crap! Is it my time to die?
No, I was just bored and thought I'd pop into your SC strip as a new character.
Oh ... well in that case, do you look like Ellen Muth?
Well, kind of. Here, lemme show you.
Hey, you've been in my comics before! You tryin' to hump my leg for extra cash or somethin?
HAR DE HAR. Remember when I said it wasn't your time die.......?

 

by AtheistDiary
11-16-03
Wait wait! I don't want to die!
Don't worry, I'm a kind and generous reaper. I'll grant you one wish.
Ok, I'd like to come back as something that Ellen Muth would love to have sex with.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Got Milk?

 

by AtheistDiary
11-17-03
Ya know, I don't get the term "Conservative" when applied to Republicans. Almost every Republican president in recent history has pushed the federal deficit to well over into the billions or trillions
Doesn't sound like they're conserving much to me.
Yes, I'm a fucking cow! Gawd damn you, Ellen Muth!

 

by AtheistDiary
11-20-03
*reading Dyan's website and finding out that she has a new man in her life now*
That's wonderful! And don't worry about me. I don't mind the fact that you strung me along & told me to wait for you. I mean, even though you said we'd "eventually" get back together with subtle hints
of sooner than later, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you're happy, even if it makes me completely miserable, right?
"I'll bet you're mad 'cause I abandoned you a second time when I said I wouldn't."
Now now, let's not jump to conclusions. Most guys would be upset that they waited for weeks to see you or about saving up several hundred $$ so they could surprise you with a night in a luxury hotel.
It might even leave them to feel inferior, unnecessary, and unappreciated, especially when they find out the news through your website and not from your own lips.
cont'd ......
But not me. See I knew that wasting every moment and dollar that I did with you would matter for something. I knew that going out of my way to meet your mother under extremely negative and
trying conditions, per your anguished request, would make things better for us. And it has! I mean, you're happy now, right? And I'm ... oh ya, I forgot, I don't matter in this case. Silly me.

 

by AtheistDiary
11-20-03
In closing ...
I would like to say congratulations on finding your new man. I know it may come as a shock, seeing as most guys in this situation would probably wish you a slow and horribly painful fucking death for
a betrayal of this magnitude. But instead, I wish you much happiness and many many offspring.
"But what if it turns out that he leaves me with a litter of children to feed and no where else to turn??"
You can come back to me. And once again, I will forgive you.
And kiss you on your forehead.
Sincerely, the Atheist.
And then gently, ever so gently, I will look deep into your beautiful eyes ...
and tell you to go fuck yourself.

Showing page 1.

Next »