All comics by The_Witch

Profile

 

by The_Witch
4-25-06
And who are you?
I'm the new White House press secretary.
Oh. I get it. Tony SNOW. Ah. Ha.
One flame spell later:
... I wish they would make it that easy to get rid of Rush.
... no fair!

 

by The_Witch
4-25-06
It's Jesus. What are you doing in Washington?
Oh, just hanging around.
....worst freakin joke in the entire world who the hell wrote this stuff i'm gonna quit ...
Hey! Aren't you here so I can make a snarky point about separation of church and state?
Would it be bad to say "You nailed me"?

 

by The_Witch
4-26-06
Oh, so this is Iraq in the springtime.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Don Rumsfeld.
You have feet in your ears.
Yes, it's an unfortunate side effect of putting your foot in your mouth and then "staying the course."
Well, at least that explains why you don't hear us when we tell you to get out.

 

by The_Witch
4-26-06
When he comes out, I'm going to give him a lock of my hair!
I'm going to stuff dollar bills in his pants!
He can have the shirt off my back!
Rock concert?
Grand jury.
Oh, FITZIE! I have some PANTIES for you!

 

by The_Witch
4-27-06
Oh, hooray! My comic made DU's Greatest page!
Pretty soon I will be a famous webcomic artist and blogger and can quit my job to snark full-time!
12 hours later...
...Rats.

 

by The_Witch
4-27-06
Presenting the best in Republican Musical Theater! The NSA and Dubya in "The King Is I"!
Getting to know you...
Getting to know ALL about you...
Ann Coulter in "Guys and/or Dolls!"
Luck, be a lady tonight... Luck...
...If you've ever been a lady to begin with!
And Dick Cheney in "Gannon Get Your Gun!"
You can't shoot a male in the tail like a quail...
Yeah... Go for his FACE instead!

 

by The_Witch
4-28-06
So the latest news in the Cunningham scandal is that prostitutes were involved. Members of Congress may have traded votes for sex. This is actually good news.
Finally, this whole thing is scandalous by GOP standards. Sex, unlike violence, is a "true sin." We might actually see some investigation now.
Now to find some of these prostitutes and see who they slept with...
please don't notice me...

 

by The_Witch
4-28-06
I think America is a wonderful country because of its freedoms.
We can say and do whatever we want, and our freedoms are protected by a system to keep abuse from happening.
So I'm thinking if our government doesn't actually use that system, that sorta counts as abuse.
WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA!?

 

by The_Witch
4-29-06
Who the hell are you?
I'm the Republican Noise Machine. MOVE TO FRANCE HIPPIE!
I should move to France? Because I notice when people do something wrong?
YOU LOVE TERRORISTS! REMEMBER 9/11!
Are you sure you're not the Republican Non Sequitur Machine?
STOP ATTACKING CHRISTMAS!

 

by The_Witch
5-01-06
I am SO tired. Up to Boston all weekend, and I had a nightmare last night and didn't sleep well..
I know! I'll call into work and tell them I'm staying home out of solidarity with the immigrants!!
2 hours later...
Rats.

 

by The_Witch
5-02-06
Last week the President had the crowd in stitches at the White house Correspondents' Dinner when he appeared alongside an impersonator.
Then came a very different kind of entertainment, when...
AHEM! You signed a CONTRACT, remember?
...
...when some other guy also spoke. Back to you, Liz.

 

by The_Witch
5-02-06
Mr. President! You've said you think the national anthem should be sung only in English. But Jon Secada sang it in Spanish at your 2001 inauguration! What do you say to that?
...Oh crap!
...C'mon, George, think up a good excuse! Say what you used to say when you got pulled over for DUI! Yeah, that's it!
No hablo ingles.

 

by The_Witch
5-03-06
Oh, cool! Mike Malloy read my letter on the air!
Pretty soon I will be a famous blogger and will be able to quit my job and appear on liberal radio all day long!
Rats.

 

by The_Witch
5-03-06
There are two things I can't stand about liberals!
#1: They keep saying we're anti-immigrant. How obtuse! We're anti-ILLEGAL immigrant. Stop smearing us!
#2: They're pro-abortion.

 

by The_Witch
5-04-06
These illegal immigrants are invading our country. They say we couldn't live without them? Hah!
I totally agree! Nice tie, by the way.
Thanks. Great bargain at Wal-Mart.
Thank God for that place. So where should we eat next time?
I know a super-cheap Chinese place.
I'll have my maid make reservations.

 

by The_Witch
5-04-06
In his statement, he praised the leader of his movement and told the crowd that no matter what they thought, he knew what he believed in.
So the question on everyone's lips today: Have we finally heard the last of this madman?
...But enough about Tom Cruise.

 

by The_Witch
5-04-06
Why did you lie about WMDs?
I didn't lie. We thought there were WMDs.
That's a lie too. You said you knew where they were.
I didn't say that. I never said that.
You're lying AGAIN! I have the quotes!
And he expects me to start telling the truth NOW?

 

by The_Witch
5-05-06
They're giving me hell in press conferences these days.
And they're just about to indict me.
We need a distraction. Something the media can't resist.
What's in the news today?
I heard a Kennedy was in a car crash.
Holy shit! Why didn't you say so? To work, to work!

 

by The_Witch
5-06-06
I have to resign, sir.
What are you talking about, Porter? You stay right where you are.
They've found out I'm playing poker at the Watergate with Duke Cunningham's thugs.
So? That under-the-table stuff happens all the time around here. No, Porter, you're doin' just fine.
There are prostitutes involved.
Out you go.

 

by The_Witch
5-08-06
Dear Mr. President: I am writing to talk to you about how you and I can settle our differences without resorting to war.
For starters, you could let me in on some of those Watergate poker parties. You know, with the whores.

 

by The_Witch
5-09-06
As you all know, we have to say goodbye to Porter Goss.
Buh-bye.
But I'm happy to introduce you to my new pick to head the CIA.
...Don't mind him. He likes it back there.
I heard that.

 

by The_Witch
5-10-06
I don't think a military man should head the CIA, quite frankly.
He's too loyal to the Pentagon, and we all know Rummy's losing it.
Plus, that NSA spying program is probably illegal...
...psst psst... watergate... psst... abramoff... psst... i'm still listening...
...He IS an experienced intelligence expert.
And it's a TERRORIST SURVEILLANCE program.

 

by The_Witch
5-10-06
Pander to the right-wing nutjobs by offering up an amendment to ban gay marriage!
Great idea, Dad!
Create a mock "war on Christianity" and assault "activist judges" to give more power and legitimacy to the haters!
That's a super strategy, Dad!
Increase protections for same-sex couples so people like your daughter will have better lives!
You sonofabitch!

 

by The_Witch
5-11-06
I'm very upset that USA Today has published details of the NSA spying program.
You are helping the terrorists and hurting the American people.
Especially people who don't have stock in Qwest Communications.
BUY NOW! BUY! BUY!

 

by The_Witch
5-14-06
Whenever we do a wiretap, we need a court order.
...OK, so we didn't get a court order. But we're just looking at overseas calls.
...OK, so we're looking at domestic calls. But only of people suspected of being terrorists.
...OK, so we're looking at everyone's calls. But we're not listening into the conversations.
I'm not so sure about that.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE FAITH IN OUR PRESIDENT!?!?!?!

 

by The_Witch
5-15-06
Patrick Fitzgerald has introduced as evidence a copy of Joe Wilson's op-ed with Cheney's handwritten notes.
"What I Didn't Find in Africa."
Do we send ambassadors pro bono? Did his wife send him on a junket?
Not introduced: Cheney's scribblings on the rest of the paper...
But Sarge, I cleaned the latrine yesterday.
How dare the liberal media make our troops look so bad? Court marshal Private B. Bailey immediately!
"How the dinosaurs really became extinct."
Tobacco lobbyists aren't gonna like this. Let's send this Larson fellow to the "far side" of Gitmo.

 

by The_Witch
5-17-06
I want to start today's press conference by apologizing for using the term "tar baby." I didn't mean it as a racial slur.
It's just that I didn't want to gyp you out of a good story, but I have to watch out for chinks in my armor.
Now if you'll pardon me, I'm off to have a dinner of buckwheat noodles followed by chocolate ice cream with jimmies on top.

 

by The_Witch
5-17-06
We have too many immigrants, so we're sending border control agents to get the immigrants.
But now we have too few border control agents, so we're sending National Guard to help the border control agents.
But now we have too few National Guard, so we're sending contractors to Iraq to help the National Guard.
But now we have too few contractors to rebuild New Orleans, so we're sending immigrants to help the contractors.
But now we have too many immigrants, so we're sending border control agents to get the immigrants.
But now we have too few border control agents, so we're sending National Guard...

 

by The_Witch
5-18-06
Yes, this is the closest I could come to a donkey on stripcreator....
General Hayden, why did you mislead us about the NSA spying programs?
I can't discuss that. It's classified.
Well, what CAN you tell us?
The answer to that question is classified.

 

by The_Witch
5-22-06
Sorry I haven't done a comic in a while, folks. I haven't had much inspiration.
Besides, real life gets in the way. I had to clean the house, which takes a lot of time and effort.
(It was especially hard to get the "OMG NO FITZMAS WTF" written in Ben & Jerry's ice cream off the bathroom mirror.)

 

by The_Witch
5-23-06
AT&T has folks lurking in basement rooms monitoring all of our communications.
Welcome to the NSA database.
This news was broken by WIRED magazine, where it was received with shock among its audience of technogeeks, Trekkies...
...and folks lurking in basement rooms monitoring all of our communications.
I'll be up in a sec, Mom! Just have to send this post!
Welcome to republicanscanbiteme. blogspot.com.

 

by The_Witch
5-24-06
It's time once again to play everyone's favorite game show, "Whose Talking Point Is It Anyway?" Here's today's contestant!
I'm gonna win a bundle!
Talking Point #1: "If it doesn't exist, what's the harm? But if it does, we should be teaching our children about it!"
Democrats on global warning?
Sorry, you're wrong! It's Republicans on intelligent design!

 

by The_Witch
5-24-06
So sorry about that first question. Ready for your next one?
Bring it on!
OK, then, question 2. Who says, "For Pete's sake, nobody's against it. We're against doing it illegally!"
Republicans on immigration?
Ooh, sorry, no! That one is Democrats on wiretapping!
This game is rigged....

 

by The_Witch
5-25-06
Denny Hastert (R-Pork Products) finds out a Democrat has been taking bribes.
It's an outrage! He should be investigated! Kicked out of Congress! Sent to prison!
...Did I just see a man in uniform pass by?
FBI. We're going to search his office.
They can search our OFFICES!?
Half an hour later...
*trumpet*
Separation of powers!! Consitutionality!! This is an OUTRAGE!!

 

by The_Witch
5-31-06
Here at Fox News, we've been trying to show you all the good news coming out of Iraq that the media isn't showing you.
We've decided to take the same tack with domestic news stories.
This hour, we'll have a special report on all the women who are not kidnapped from cruise ships.
In the executive suite:
And later on, we'll tell you all about the people who have lived their whole lives without being convicted of murder.
That's funny... why are the ratings going down?

 

by The_Witch
6-06-06
Ann Coulter visits the Today Show to talk about her new book.
In your book, you say that 9-11 widows are enjoying their husbands' deaths.
Yes, I'm sick of them.
Because they shouldn't speak out?
Because I can't respond without being told I'm maligning their grief.
So what is the response you want to give?
"Shut up, you're maligning the USA!!"

 

by The_Witch
6-07-06
In the halls of Congress lurks a Specter with a horrible secret... he has two personalities!
By day I'm Arlen Specter, moderate Republican...
but by night I'm the shameless cover man for the adminisration, Senator Hide!
Observe what happens when he finds out the NSA has been keeping a database of phone records from all Americans.
We'll definitely need to hold hearings to ensure oversight.
Oversight? HA! I'll let DICK CHENEY write the legislation! HIDE!!
Or when Frist has brought the gay-marriage amendment to the floor.
I disagree. I will vote no on cloture.
But not before we have a secret meeting about it!! HIDE!

 

Ann Coulter and Tom Cruise: a perfect couple, united in their contempt for Matt Lauer.
He's testy!
He's glib!
by The_Witch, 6-07-06

 

by The_Witch
7-19-06
....ZZZZZZ.....
....ZZZZZZ.....
I wonder if the Witch will ever make another comic.
HOLY CRAP! I'm awake! I'm awake!

 

by The_Witch
7-20-06
Have you been touched by the President in an inappropriate way?
Hi, I'm a major world leader and George Bush tried to give me a back massage.
Hi, Chancellor!
Don't worry... there is help!
Hi, I'm a random bald guy and the President loves to try to rub my head.
Hi, baldie!
Come to our Groped by George support group, Monday nights at 7... see you there!
Hi, I'm America's middle class and I'm getting squeezed on a daily basis now...
Hi, Middle Class!

 

by The_Witch
7-20-06
Bush defended vetoing the stem-cell research bill by talking about how kids were once stem cells.
It's potential life!
I would thank you if I could speak-- or think-- or do anything!
Emboldened by this, he takes his campaign to a new level...
Wait! That arm might grow a new body! It's potential life!
He saw it in a movie once...
...although it is causing him some inner turmoil.
I can't eat this! If a pregnant woman eats it, it might become part of her baby! It's potential life!

 

by The_Witch
7-21-06
The president's inner turmoil grows....
I can't eat anything- it's all potential life! "You are what you eat..." it'd be like biting a baby's legs off!
...and he takes to the streets to find some kindred spirits.
Say, do you know anyone around here who isn't eating?
Why, yes... in fact, we are on a hunger strike!
Awright, I'm in! So what's your name?
Cindy.

 

by The_Witch
7-22-06
Our hero's memory is fading due to his hunger, and he doesn't realize he's actually struck up a conversation with Cindy Sheehan...
So what are y'all fasting for?
We're opposed to the taking of innocent life.
But does Cindy recognize the leader of the free world?
I like your style. But don't you get hungry sometimes? I mean, conflicted?
No. I know that what I'm doing is right.
Apparently hunger can blur the vision.
She must be a Republican.
He must be a Democrat.

 

by The_Witch
8-03-06
The Right-Wing Noise Machine starts talking politics in a local bar...
IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB!!
I know, dude. They totally brought down that building themselves.
CONTROLLED DEMOLITION!!!
Exactly. It was a setup to justify their violent ambitions.
HEZBOLLAH MUST PAY!!
Dude... you're not talking about 9-11?

 

by The_Witch
8-03-06
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld testifies before the Senate Armed Services Committee:
Have there been setbacks? Yes.
Did I have to adjust my plan on the ground? Gosh, yes.
Has it taken longer than I expected? Of course.
But can we complete the mission? Undoubtedly.
How much longer will it take? Who knows?
But I'm sure we'll get through this hearing somehow.

 

by The_Witch
8-15-06
And now, back to our story... in which our hero discusses foreign policy with Cindy Sheehan.
It's just awful! They kill nearly 3000 innocent Americans, and they expect us to just say "okay"?
Exactly! Something had to be done!
I'm so glad you've joined our antiwar protest.
Antiwar...!? Wait a minute. So you're talking about 3000 dead...
American soldiers, right.
Oh, soldiers... I thought you were talking about people!!!

 

by The_Witch
8-17-06
Hey.. that was Cindy SHEEHAN I was talking to!
Mr. President? Please come with us.
Oh, for Pete's sake. What now?
Your warrantless eavesdropping program has been ruled illegal. I'm here to take you to jail.
You're kidding me!!
Yes, sir. It's actually time for your photo-op at the Harley Davidson factory. Did I fool you?

 

by The_Witch
8-31-06
Presenting: The Greatest Hits of Ted Stevens! Now, the Senate superstar who brought you "Tubes..."
The Internet is not a truck
That rolled in mud and then got stuck
... It's a series of TUBES!
Don't you get it, you rubes?
...has come out with a greatest-hits album featuring classics like "ANWR Blues"...
Will I let go?
The answer is:

NO!

But I will resign
Bid the Senate good bye'n
go to my room and cry!
... and "Yeah, I Placed the Hold," the theme from Scooby-Doo 3: Mystery of the Missing Legislation!
And I would have gotten away with it, too!
If it weren't for you damn kids...
Scooby Dooby Doo!

 

by The_Witch
4-05-07
So Mr. Gonzales, we understand you were told more than 5 times about the U.S. attorney firings.
I have no recollection of those meetings.
You are a liar! Why not just admit you did this to install your cronies?
Why I oughta!! To Gitmo with you! I'll tear your fingernails off!
Um, Al... don't do that at the actual hearing, please.
Sorry. Take it from the top?

 

by The_Witch
4-08-07
If the Iraqi government doesn't step up, we will start to withdraw and give them less support!
See, that's just aidin' and abettin'. That's an awful message to send the Iraqi gummint!
What would your message be?
Keep screwin' up and we'll give you even more support!
I can understand how that might be a scary proposition...

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