All comics by LuckyGuess

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by LuckyGuess
7-02-06
Don't you see? The zombies, unopposed by man, will easily ravage the earth as they pick off unprotected towns and cities.
By building a giant wall I can keep them out of my range and also grow a very nice vegetable garden for food.
Maybe even baby carrots.
I'm calling the police.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-08-06
Sir, you need to surrender peacefully.
I have thirty gallons of boiling tar and half a ton of homemade napalm that say I don't.
Oh, really? And what else do they say?
One less person means one less zombie.
I'm convinced.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-09-06
This is Sgt. Jones. I have a Terry Micheals here who is building some sort of a barricade to keep out zombies or something. Can you get me the local zoning permits for fences?
What? The records building is overrun with flesh eating cultists? Yes, I'll hold.
Everybody's gone suuuurfiiiin'... Surfin' U-S-AAAAAAAA.
I like that song.
Can you believe they used to use "Iron Man?" What kind of bullshit is that?

 

by LuckyGuess
7-09-06
You've been watching, "A Black Guy" on PAX. Stay tuned for previews of our next episode.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-12-06
Well, I can't seem to get a hold of the records office. Looks like you got lucky this time.
Have a nice day.
I like that guy. It's too bad I'm going to have to decapitate him.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-12-06
Welcome to The Gamer's Bible. Here aspiring gamers can learn to become masters of the craft.
This is Sam.
Mm.
Sam has no friends.
Link and Navi are my friends.
Hey! Hey! Look! Listen! Hey! Watch out! Hey! Look!

 

by LuckyGuess
7-12-06
First, we'll go into the basics: Buying a system.
Nintendo is Japanese for gay.
Remember to check the internet for information on which system is the best, and most importantly, cheapest. Gamer mags also work. So do friends.
I like to keep a little window in the corner open for porn.
As a bonus, you'll get to see them all one last time.
I haven't left the couch in ten months.
Spirits, give me strength... SOUL BLAST!

 

by LuckyGuess
7-12-06
Next, we're going to buy a game.
We have to go outside? Where the sun is?
First time gamers can get screwed easily when buying a first game. The best option is to do a little research and go for something you like. Like shooting stuff? Buy an FPS. Sports? Buy Madden.
Only real men play The Bible Game.
Jesus is King is the correct answer! You get thirty peices of silver!
The most important thing is not to buy on instinct.
Aw man. I thought "The Adventures of King Not Entertaining" would be entertaining.
Your quest is to run in circles in a bland enviornment for thirty minutes. Then a vicious trial lawyer will argue the semantics of the Micheal Jackson case.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-12-06
So you have your game and your system. Now we move on to snack foods.
I have a poster of a girl eating a Slim Jim. It's pretty cool.
Many people believe that chips are the best, while some side with cookies.
I've been surviving by peeing in my mouth.
The truth lies in crumb content and finger coating factors.
At first it was hard, but once I got the angle down it cut my away time by almost 100%.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-12-06
First let's examine chips and chip sub-groups.
I'm telling you, go with the pee. It's much more convenient.
Try corn chips, and cut back on fritos and cheetos. If your fingers get covered in cheese sludge then it'll jam the buttons on the controller, plus look all fugly.
Cheesetrollers are gross. Plus your fingers slip when you try to use force lightning.
The Emperor has fallen!
Pringles are an excellent choice. Just make sure to dump them out before you start munching, otherwise you'll waste valuable time getting your fat arm unstuck from the tube.
If you're skinny now, buy some sweatpants from the salvation army. You can't get any more stretch for a dollar.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-13-06
Wait, why are you still here?
Because I'm right and you're in the way of my being right.
And zombies. Don't forget the zombies.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-13-06
I'm telling you, you'll be running back to me when you find out about all the zombie threats.
Fuck the system. I'm getting my shotgun.
What? Who the fuck are you? Hey, stop! Argh! *BLAM* AAAAAGH! *BLAM*
It looks like you've been bitten. Would you mind blowing your own head off for me?
Fuck you, Terry.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-13-06
Today we explore cookies, the yin of gamer snack foods.
The yang is urine and malnourished canaries.
Most crumbs won't matter, as you probably are laying in your own filth for long periods of time anyway. Just make sure the proximity of the controller is far enough away from your face.
When I play Extreme Beach Volleyball the controller is in close proximity to my crotch.
Would you like to equip the invisible bikini to androgynous large breasted anime girl?
Chocolate coated cookies are a no-no for the same reason as cheese coated chips. The Gamer's Bible recommends Oreos and Keebler Fudge.
Thank you, vibration function.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-13-06
Now that you're set for snacks, we move into drinks.
Drinks: The father of urine.
Get something with a lot of caffeine in it, preferably Mountain Dew or Sprite.
It's gotten to a point where my pee is carbonated. That's half the reason why I drink it.
Never use energy drinks. People have died when they only drink those things.
My own urine would never turn on me. Except for that whole "my skin is yellow" part.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-13-06
Now that you've built up your snacking empire, you'll need an excuse if your friends call to hang out anywhere that isn't your house.
We're gonna go to Sheryll's party tonight. She's totally been eyeing you, man. If you wanna nail her, now's the time.
Don't worry, Zero Suit Samus. I'd never cheat on you.
Something like, "I have a business meeting," or "I've got a lot of work to catch up on," are fan favorites.
Well? You comin'?
I've got a lot of rubbing against my controller to catch up on.
After a while they'll stop calling. That's a promise.
*click*
Oh yeah, go into ball mode. Daddy likes it when you go into ball mode.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-13-06
Bills might come it the mail.
Mail? Is that where my imported hentai comics come from?
You'd be wise to pay them with whatever money you can find.
I found ten dollars in change under my head.
Otherwise you'll be on the street, power outletless.
It's a good thing I killed and ate my parents when I had the chance. The life insurance has me set.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-13-06
Borrowing money is tricky business. While you always could get a job, the likelihood of that actually happening is almost nothing.
Let me guess, you need money?
It's my kitten, Steve. I just get so sad looking at him. He's all I have!
At first close friends and relatives will work, but they'll all abandon you after a while.
I thought you ate your kitten for sustanence.
That was my other kitten. This one is new.
Panhandling and stuffing envelopes are both last ditch resorts, but if you don't use them you'll be stuck with that one copy of "The Guy Game" for seven months. Under a highway overpass.
So you bought a kitten with the no money you had, and now are going into even further debt feeding it.
Just give me the money, Steve. For the kitten's sake.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-14-06
Oh, c'mon. It's not like I won't blow your head off later anyway.
Listen, if this really is a zombie bite, and I really am going to become a zombie, I'm going to make sure I climb into your yard right before I die so that I can eat you.
So you think you can get past the stainless steel spikes that protrude from the base of the concrete wall at 45-60 degree angles?
What? Where did you get those?
Sharper Image catalog. I also bought a lifesize Yoda.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-14-06
Finally! Now I'm safe from zombies that break into your house.
And how is that?
I cemented your windows and chimney.
Why the chimney?
Flying zombies.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-14-06
How the hell do you make a flying zombie?
Interesting point. While highly unlikely, some zombies may take parts from other animals and sew them onto themselves.
So a zombie from new York might sew a bunch of pidgeon wings to their back.
Almost every word of that sentence is wrong.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-14-06
Concrete wall is up.
I saw that. Very impressive. I especially like the giant "Zombies Go Home" painted on the front.
People honk.
I know. It wakes me up every night.
I left this hole here so that we could talk, you know. Don't make me fill it up.
Gee, why would I ever do that?

 

by LuckyGuess
7-14-06
How's the bite doing?
The doctor says the blood flow in the left side of my body has stopped completely, but that it should clear right up.
I'm gonna climb over. You remember that.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-14-06
Next we delve into session length. There's the casual session, the weekend session, and the power session.
Session? Doesn't that mean you have to stop?
The casual session is for working people who enjoy video games. It's normally an hour, but usually doesn't go past two.
Only little bitches casually game. You heard me, bitches.
Weekend sessions last for one to three days. It all depends on how far into gaming you are and whether or not your state still considers Columbus Day a day off.
I bet Columbus was a casual gamer. Just look at that neck frill.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-14-06
The power session is the ultimate gaming session. It has no limit and no set beginning or end.
Power session, nigga.
It can last for as long as there is food within reaching distance and you don't have to go to the bathroom.
I use a pooper scooper to grab stuff to eat. It adds a whole arms length.
A bonus of the power session is that you can pause the game, fall asleep, wake up, and go right back to gaming.
I like to nap after a good rumble feature-crotch excursion.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-16-06
Ow... ow... ow...
You're walking like your balls were smashed.
That was your fault, remember?
You weren't complaining at the time.
At the time I didn't think my sack would fall off and try to escape.
You take the good with the bad.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-16-06
I noticed the neighbors are zombies now.
Peg and Joe? They weren't that important anyway.
I also noticed they walked right past you this morning and ate the mailman.
Yeah? So?
Where's your right arm?
In my pantry, next to a stubborn jar of preserves.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-16-06
Damn! You smell like death!
The doctor said I died five hours ago.
Then why are you all sentient and stuff?
It looks like the bird flu antidote I got on eBay semi-counteracted the zombie infection.
Too bad it didn't counteract the smell.
It cuts down lines at the post office.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-16-06
DIE ZOMBIE DIE!
Relax, Terry. Put down the gatling gun.
I never put the gatling gun down unless I have to pee.
It's 300 pounds. Put down the gatling gun.
Hey, you found your arm.
It was playing Minesweeper on my laptop.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-16-06
You certainly look different.
Yeah, the flesh started falling off yesterday night. I remember because I scratched my balls and ended up with a handfull of scrotum.
I couldn't cry because my tear ducts have rotted on the inside.
I don't even want to look at my penis.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-17-06
Seating is an essential part of a gamer's lifestyle.
The couch cushions have a me shaped indentation in them.
You want something you can lie back in, but also something that is both comfortable and won't leave bedsores from prolonged sitting.
I can no longer feel my ass.
Bean bag chairs, Lazy Boys, down seats and back wraps are good, and if you have a waterbed that works fabulously. Just remember to shift positions every now and then so your limbs don't apotrophy.
I bought fun dip just in case something falls off. You can never be too careful.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-17-06
The socieconomic structure of our country dictates that we as individuals are responsible for more as those in higher positions of business and government are responsible for less.
It's a brilliantly flawed system. They make up rules and we have to follow them.
But what gives them the right to dictate such regulations? Surely their power is just projected over the sect of business they control.
I assume that the amount of money they have dictates the amount of influence they have, sans advertising and buying factors.
I have ten dollars and you have none. Are you going to wash my balls?
I'll get the soap.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-19-06
I have to ask... do you eat people?
People?
I eat bread. Sometimes some melon.
So no people?
That little snot Andy who kept running in my flower bed.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-20-06
I bet I can make you grin with a shameless compliment.
I bet you can, too.
But you don't know the power of my comliments. I am a writer. I have verbage.
Firm verbage. You can feel the verbage in your hands.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
Is something burning?
It's literally stuck to the inside of the bowl.
That one should win an award.
I was in there for over an hour, but it was worth it.
I'm sick, so that explains the color.
Hey, I don't even need to wipe!

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ
Huh? Flies?
BWZZ BZZ BZZZZ
CHRIST! There's a million of them!
BWZZZ ZZZZZTTT pop BZZ skshhhhhh pop skshhhhh
I knew the ultrawatt lamps were a bad idea.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
BZZZ skshhhh
*tap tap tap tap tap*
skshhhh FWOOM
Huh? AAAAH!
skshhhh BZZZ skshhhh
No, you idiots! You're making it stronger!

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
AHHHH! AHHHH!
Jared? Are you still there?
AAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!
If you aren't there I'm just going to sign off.
AAAAAAH! AAAAH! bzzz AAAAH! skrshhhh
Well bye then.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
Oh my God! That's awful! No wonder you weren't responding!
Yeah, the house almost burned down. No big deal.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Luckily once I turned the lamps off and got my extinguisher I was able to put the flames out pretty fast.
Since my monitor was the only light on all the flies landed there instead. And that's too bad, because I've been trying to keep it fly barf free.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
Whew! Those burning zombie corpses stink.
Yeah, the smell got all over my bean bag chair.
Sorry.
Don't worry about it. A bunch of my skin is already stuck to it.
Before it was gross, but now it's sort of festive. Like a bull penis in a George Foreman grill.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
RATATATATATATATATATA
Can you keep it down? That's really giving me a headache.
I didn't think you could have headaches.
I can't. I just wanted an excuse to make you stop mowing down zombie hordes with a chain gun all day long.
But it's fun.
I don't care.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
Can you go to the store and get some salt for me? I want to preserve this hog jerky.
Where'd you get hog jerky?
I have a whole farm thing going on back here. Hogs, sheep, vegetables, you name it.
Your backyard isn't that big. Even with my backyard in it.
Dan's yard is in here, too. He was on vacation anyway, so I didn't count on him coming back.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
Hey, a rescue mission. These are always fun.
We have two choppers coming in over this residence... it looks like they have a whole self sustained farm going on down there.
RATATATATATATATATA
We're being fired on! I repeat, we're... OH GOD chopper one is down! I repeat, chopper one is down! WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!
BOOOOOOOM
I wonder if the cameras are still on in the Wheel of Fortune studio.
*click* OH GOD VANNA! NOOO! NOOOOHOHO! I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME MERCY, BUT IT ISN'T ON THE BOARD!

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
Dude, there's a fish floating outside the door.
Shut up and go get some more acid.
Haha, oh yeah, huh?

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
People often wonder why exactly I moved away from home so fast.
HI JARED IT'S MOM! HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS!
Don't touch me please.
"You don't have to pay rent," they say. "You get free stuff and gas money sometimes," they say.
Why isn't your brother calling me? Does he hate me? Is that it?
Yes.
Then they meet my family and start nodding approval.
Do you mind if I gargle with your mouthwash and apply your deodorant everywhere? I'm going to do it no matter what so think carefully.
By all means, contaminate my belongings with your petty clamoring and thoughtlessness.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
I found this flyer explaining in detail a trip to Yosemite you hadn't told me about. I made several copies for me and your relatives so we can call you relentlessly.
How thoughtful.
Your brother still hasn't called me. It's been five seconds since I left a long screechy message on his phone. Does he hate me?
Yes.
I don't think he hates me.
And I didn't think you'd be ridiculous this quickly, but here we are.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
I hear your girlfriend came to visit. What was that like? Hm hm hmmmmm?
Well she AND Nate came, and it was very fun.
Where did she sleep?
We slept in the roll out under my bed.
You mean SHE slept in the roll out?
Actually, we meaning my computer and I, and slept meaning fetish laptop sex.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
What's that smell in here? Have you been smoking pot? You better not have been smoking pot.
I don't smoke pot, for the millionth time. The flies from the bathroom fly into my ultrawatt lamp at night and burn up. It makes the room smell bad.
So it isn't pot?
Again, I don't smoke pot.
If I find any pot in here you are in big trouble.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
WHERE'S ANN? I WANT TO SEE ANN!
She's not home yet. She'll be here at 7:30, and she's taking us out to dinner at 8:45.
I CAN'T REACH ANN! WHY ISN'T SHE ANSWERING MY PHONE CALLS? WHAT'S GOING ON? IS MY PHONE BROKEN?
Sure, that's it.
This is somehow your fault.
You got me.

 

by LuckyGuess
7-21-06
I'm sleeping in your room tonight.
Sorry, but I strategically arranged the furniture so that there'd be no room. You'll have to sleep upstairs.
I want to sleep down here. If you keep being mean I'll stop supporting you.
Go ahead. I'll take out a loan and tell everyone what a bitch you are for the next ten years.
I want coffee NOW. Where's Ann? Why is she not answereing my calls?
I want to die.

 

by LuckyGuess
8-02-06
Why does the RV smell like a giant ass monster?
It's the dutch oven Adam brought. There's something in it from four months ago.
What?
Nobody wants to take off the lid.
Is it old cobbler or something?
We just call it the stinkawyf.

Showing page 11.

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