All comics by Spankling

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by Spankling
3-14-03
After your long days at work pass, don't let commuting suck too much ass.
Deal with the freaks, the geeks and droolers smelling of licentious nooners.
Don't be the only one not queer. Drop your pants and have a beer.

 

by Spankling
3-19-03
This is fuckin' lame. I'm not gonna do it.
Just read yer fuckin' line!
No way! Spankling aint gonna win anyway. I'm not gonna be his monkey!
Okay... you know how you've always been after my big sister? I got her home phone number...
Massu Huck! Heah come de riba boat!
Swim for it Nigga Mengigo! It's gonna ram us!

 

by Spankling
3-20-03
Thank you for seeing me. This is just the sort of company I would love to...
Nice ass. How high do you think I could bounce a quarter off it?
Centimeters or inches?
You're hired.

 

by Spankling
3-25-03
And in the lifetime achievement category, April Hornblow wins for these vintage shots proving that deep throating didn’t start in the 70s!
I thought I destroyed those negatives back in 1957!

 

by Spankling
4-14-03
Cyber-schizophrenia did this to me. I came to this place to let out the feisty voice inside me. It slithered and cavorted, enjoying the freedom to dangle desires and drives before others.
Some of the desires are actually mine. Some I once had, or toyed with. Some are not me at all. My hip-thrusting snake-dance began to make my real self feel base.
And so I created Bogart. I wanted to enjoy life with these people (who used to be strangers) as myself. Bogart was me without dropping the mask. I held up a mask that looked like me.
This community was goods to Bogart and received him well. But even he was a deception, for I wasn't admitting that they knew me as Spankling.
Then, like all schizophrenics, there came a day when the false me stepped out and demanded attention. Spankling cavorted under the name Bogart and Bogart was undone.
The snake that is Spankling, leaped up and devoured Bogart. Bogart was weak and Spankling swallowed him whole, digesting him alive.

 

by Spankling
4-14-03
The name of the forum is Caption Mountain not Pathetic Looser Confessions. Can you work with that?
Uhm...
What part of say something funny don't you get, ass-munch?
"Oh look! My snake ate my face! Arg!"
Better. And by that I mean you suck.
You are too kind.

 

by Spankling
4-15-03
Yum...
Welcome to Burger Jiz. May I take your order?
Yeah. I would like you to do a 180 and bend over.
uhm... I don't have a key for that. I'm gonna have to ask the manager.
Well?
He said I should ask if you would like Fries with that.

 

by Spankling
5-02-03
Why did you line your hat with aluminuminum?
So that the space aliens in the White House can't read my thoughts.
Sigh. What makes you think they are...
Can you honestly believe they give a crap about THIS planet? They must be from another!
Can I have some?
Go pull siding off yer own house.

 

by Spankling
5-03-03
Mom... Can I play with that vibrating rocket of yours? My Lego guy wants to go to Mars.
Sure son. But you gotta get new batteries for it. I was up late last night play Multi-O goes warp speed.
Headed to a black hole near Uranis, no doubt!
Damn! He's catching on!

 

by Spankling
5-04-03
I hear you've been to the future and have seen what becomes of me...
YEP! I been there and I've seen your fate!
And?
You contract VD from monkey sex in the congo and are the beginning of an epidemic that makes aids look like acne, fun-boy.
Wow! Was the monkey hot?
You couldn't give yourself better head if you had your spine removed.

 

by Spankling
5-04-03
Hi Ricky! I didn't expect you home so soon!
Lucy, you got a lot of splainen to do!
Me? What?
Well, for starters why are you trippin so heavy in the middle of the day?
Fred dropped a tab in my coffee! I swear!
I guess that explains the cock breath too.

 

by Spankling
5-09-03
What else you got for me Doc?
When you travel through time you can see God.
REALLY?!? What...
He's an old man in a rocker on a cabin porch.
Did he say anything?
when I zipped from the present into the future he yelled, "Slow down!"

 

by Spankling
5-09-03
Does the world situation get any better?
One of the Bush twins marries Saddam's son and they have a baby.
...
Little Osama Bush grows up to be defeated in his run for the presidency.
Well good...
So he has the entire Electoral College executed and become the first Emperor of the US.

 

by Spankling
5-09-03
Why do you dress like that, Clown?
Because it's funny.
No. Really.
Bitch. Like she can talk with that haircut.

 

by Spankling
5-09-03
When I grow up I wanna be a movie star. Or maybe a prostitute.
Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.
Are... are you saying I could be a movie star?
You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
I just had the most wonderful dream!
Shut up. We got customers.

 

by Spankling
5-10-03
Beat it old man. The church and state don't allow sodomy around here!
Actually, I like girls. The ass is like, third on my list of favorite places to be.
Yeah. Right. And I suppose you want me to believe Father O'Connor doesn't swallow.
I'm telling y... swallow?
Like a champ. He just cleaned me out in the confessional.
Suddenly I am brimming over with sin.

 

by Spankling
5-17-03
The quality of mercy is not strain'd. Please droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon my face beneath.
T'will be twice pressed. T'will presseth him that bleeds and him that needs.
'T is mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes the rounded Goddess better than her gown. Her sphincter shows the force of temporal power, the attribute to_awe_and_majesty...
CUT!!!
wherein doth sit the dread and fear of queens; But mercy is above this sphinctered sway, It is enthroned in the farts of queens...
I DON'T DO GAS, BITCH! FIND ANOTHER MUSTACHE JOCKEY!

 

by Spankling
5-17-03
This royal throne of Bushes, this festering pile, This earth of majistory, this feet of stars, This other Eden, demi-paradise, This fortress built by_Nature_for_myself
Against infections from the hand of whores, This sappy breed of men, this little world, This kidney stone set in crimson pee, Which serves it in the_oval_office_at_a_mall
Or as a moat offensive to a house, Against the envy of less wealthy lands, This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Texas.
I'm the new tyrant you're sleeping with. Do you snore?

 

by Spankling
5-18-03
To eat: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub: for in eating flesh what dreams may come!
When I have stuffed down this morsal whole, must give me pause: there's the Pepsid AC that makes calm gasses of_so_long_a_meal.
I don't get paid enough to listen to this shit.
And thus the native stone of kidney is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of pork and linolium.

 

by Spankling
5-25-03
Mid-calf boot has full 4" heel, side zipper and pointed toe. Made of the finest genuine calfskin leather with silver stud detail. Imported.
Damn I would look hot in those.
Our sensationally sexy thigh high boot made from shimmery black patent has a full length zipper and a full 5" stiletto heel.
Or those...
Our knee high boot features a full length zipper, pointed toe and 3 1/2 inch stiletto heel. Faux kidskin leather.
Would someone just buy me the damn boots!?!?
Spankling: There has got to be a way to work this out.

 

by Spankling
5-28-03
Yo mama so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Yo mama so poor, the only time she smelled hot food was when a rich man farted!
Yo mama so ugly, when she masturbates she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.
Yo mama so ugly, yo father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd rather kiss her ass.
Yeah... well yo mama... yo...
Yo mama so nasty she did the splits and stuck to the floor.

 

by Spankling
5-28-03
So Moses. You gonna split the red sea again or what?
How the hell did God expect me to get across that fast?
I mean, you seem to be wondering like you're lost.
He said "Wave the stick! Trust me!" And now I'm all wet, listening to this whiny bitch!
An' it wont take long to find the promised land, right? Cuz I hate being in the sun.
Maybe I should study Taoism.

 

by Spankling
5-31-03
You seem rather down, sir.
Yes...
Would you like to talk about it?
It's just... well... What is the POINT of getting to destroy the world and wreak the ultimate doom when that sniveling twerp is stealing so much of my thunder?
That was fun! What's next Uncle Dick?
On to Tehran, my boy. On to Tehran.

 

by Spankling
5-31-03
July 1995, Seattle WA, USA
Okay. I got the warehouses, contacts, distribution network. Now all I need is a good name for this thing.
It has to sound big and powerful, but sexy too. I want something that gives me a boner but still seems respected and vast...
Jeff Bezos has a vision.
AMAZON!

 

by Spankling
6-01-03
RING... RING... Sterile, soulless, yet sexy recorded-sounding female voice from phone says...
There is no answer. You may continue to wait like a... fat loser… or for an additional... $50... you may... bend over double and... suck yourself off.
Because you are... my bitch.
God I love these new customer-specific recordings!
Down in the phone company basement.
I'm not a... recording.

 

by Spankling
6-04-03
sigh...
?
You are, like, a GOD! If only you would let me rub myself all over you!
LET you?
[grovel] I am unworthy! [grovel]
So this is how the other half lives...

 

by Spankling
6-05-03
Suck me big guy! I'm good for you!
But wont my teeth turn yellow and my breath smell like a damp ass full of campfire ashes?
I build strong bodies 12 ways!
I'm not convinced. I hear you're addicting and deadly.
C'mon! The feds don't even let you smoke pot. Do you think they would keep tobacco legal if it was bad for you?
Okay. You got me there.

 

by Spankling
6-08-03
[grovel]
*sigh* Get up, please. Or may I help you up? You seem to misunderstand me...
What? You don't like girls?
No! I mean YES! It's just that, I'm more comfortable on the bottom, so to speak.
You want me to lay on top of you and lick your feet?
It shouldn't be this complicated.

 

by Spankling
6-08-03
You wanna take me up the ass?
... uhm... not in as much...
You wanna go deep sea diving?
uhm... no.
I get it! You're a shit sniffing, spineless, perve bitch! Well GET DOWN AND DO IT, BOY!
[grovel] it is so good to be understood! [grovel]

 

by Spankling
6-12-03
Okay girly, I got 15 minutes and I want my money's worth! If I don't blow my wad on yer face before I have to go you don't get paid. Got that?
Actually I have a little surprise for you...
I got a lead pipe, I'm 1/2 a head bigger than you and you're old and fat. I suggest you hand over your wallet before I cave in your pate.
Uhm... would it help if I mentioned that my cum tastes like creme de mint
I'm on it like the smell of death on Dubya, grandpa!

 

by Spankling
6-18-03
Lenny, you get that next round of penis enlargement spams sent?
Almost boss. That fresh list of eggheads and Swedes should bring in the sucker-money. By the way, yer grandma died.
Whatever. Send a note to my stupid brother. Maybe he gives a shit.
Right away boss.
Now why would my brother be so interested in the size of my dick?

 

by Spankling
6-22-03
Uhm... HI! I'm turning 30 and I thought I would get a... you know... ma...mass... [whisper]massage[/whisper].
Then welcome to the New Age Holistic Healing Center and Juice Bar. Sniff this sage, take off your shoes and tell me more about your needs.
Needs? Well... I find this kind of embarrassing. Can you tell me what you offer.
We do Neuromuscular, Deep Tissue, Norwegian, Shiatsu, Structural…
I should have tried shiatsu.
Fall Deres bukser og bli beredt for de ru tretti minuttene av Deres liv.

 

by Spankling
6-23-03
This is gonna be so cool! I just grew my first hair on my sack and I stole $20 so I can do this fine lady standing out in front of our building.
Why does Chinese cum always give me gas? And I get so hungry 1/2 an hour later...
Say fine mamma! What will $20 get me?
Every disease I got, honey. Let's go.
That seemed like way more than a blow job.
[munch - chew - swallow] I probably should have cooked him first, but he was so tender I couldn't wait. [snarf - chew]

 

by Spankling
7-07-03
Our hero tries to entertain himself in his mind.
*sigh*
Trouble Spankling?
But none of the usual images seem to be working.
I've run out of fantasies. *sob*
Keep trying. I can change.
He branches out to Keith Richards playing guitar.
Great! Now I'm impotent too.
I don't amuse you anymore?

 

by Spankling
7-15-03
I'm gonna have to give you a ticket. Walking while black.
Fair enough. But you don't look all white yo'sef... what are you?
My momma was an Appalachian hillbilly who seduced an east-Indian mystic.
Cool, bro. What they call you?
Bubba Ghanosh.
Wouldn't it have been less cruel to shoot me with your second gun?

 

by Spankling
7-17-03
Spankling, you are a lame turd-sniffer!
OH! Miss Bear! You are so cruel!
That reminds me! Hand over $50. Being insulted aint free for you!
Yes Miss Bear! Please abuse me some more!
Dad, have you seen my Beary-bear and Horsey-horse dolls?
Oh... no. Now run along. Daddy needs a few more minutes of alone time.

 

by Spankling
7-18-03
------
*Blink*
*Blink blink*
Ewwww! It opened the door and came out!
Down at the strip club...
[grovel] and there were puns... and people didn't hate me [grovel]
Nice dream kid. By the way, do you know you're paying by the minute?

 

by Spankling
7-20-03
Homeland Security
Her cyber-orbs
watches my throbbing tool
have drained my bone
grow micro-soft
now to bed

 

by Spankling
7-23-03
It's like you have a painfully full bladder when someone you love decides she wants to suck you dry. She plays around until you're stiff, then sucks like mad.
Yes?
You know she wants it - needs it to live! So you let down and piss in her mouth for all you’re worth. She gobbles it down until you’re drained. She looks into your eyes and you bond forever!
Yes yes?
Then she puts her head on your shoulder as you gently pat her. After barfing half of it down your back she falls asleep.
I gotta get me some of that!

 

by Spankling
7-26-03
OH! A Spankling production. We're in for a fabbo sex joke soon.
Maybe it's one of those grovel things. I hear those are good.
I'm feeling so bloated.
She turned around! This should be great!

 

by Spankling
7-26-03
sizzle... sizzle...
Sweating like a pig is getting to be a hobby!
That's why the fat cats in DC named August "Sizzling American Month!"
sizzle... sizzle...
Marketing Obesity can't be the most important thing on the books!
Standing in the sun, you just burned off 176 calaries!
sizzle... sizzle...
Then eating this burger can't possibly do any harm!
Note to self: Buy more McMadcow stock.

 

by Spankling
7-28-03
Spankling here. I'm not really a butt dusting hole snake, but I play one on the internet. Well... okay, maybe I step over the line now and... but that's not tonight's message!
I'm here to invite all you young ladies to do something I know will do you a world of good - masturbate regularly. Now I can hear you already.
"How will I find the time? I might feel silly! How will I find my g-spot when the entire football team failed?"
Just put all those thoughts aside and get busy with a buzzing household appliance. Ask your doctor or pharmacist how. Enjoy the beauty and wonder that is your crotch.
If any of you need help getting started I am available for 1-on-1 (or 2-on-1) consultations. And remember, you hold the key to your own happiness.
... or at least you should several times a day. Have fun! And keep slapping that clam ladies! Thank you.

 

by Spankling
7-30-03
*sigh* Happy Jack is feeling a little down today kid.
Is it the voices in your head again Happy?
No. My Doctor says I only got a month to live. He says I got cancer.
Gosh. That's rough, Happy.
*sniff. Thanks little girl. You don't know how much it means to have at least one...
Would you mind selling me a few of your oil paintings before you die. I bet they'll be worth a mint by Thanksgiving.

 

by Spankling
7-30-03
*sigh* You don't rEEEEALLy care about ole Happy Jack! You jus want to get rich!
No! Really! I love you Happy Jack! Go ahead. Do one of your favorite bits for me. I love you.
*sniff* Really? Really little girl?
Sure Happy! You're the best!
Well then. Here's a song I feel deeply right now... o/` EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE ONLY MAKE BELIEVING... O/`
Fuck it! I'll get rich giving hand jobs before I stand around litstening to this crap!

 

by Spankling
8-01-03
That was dandy! How much I owe you lil' missy?
$300.
There you go... now where was I? Oh yeah!
I'm so glad I swapped his Alzheimer meds for LivaSnaps!
That was dandy! How much I owe you lil' missy?
$300.

 

by Spankling
8-02-03
Excuse me...
ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? Do you have the NERVE?
I just...
IF SHIT COULD VOMIT THE RESULT WOULD LOOK AND SMELL LIKE YOU! GO AWAY!
Does the... number... 41.... bus... stop... here?
Sniff my vapor trail office boy. I got REAL people to talk to!

 

by Spankling
8-03-03
Why so down Spanks?
Oh I'm just getting tired of being stepped on in these CCs.
You tired of being stepped on? Then kneel for a while and get busy with my booty.
Oh thank you! [grovel]
Why so down Spanks?
Oh I'm just getting tired of being stepped on in these CCs.

 

by Spankling
8-06-03
You look good in this light, miss.
You want a little head?
He's finally off the deep end.
He's been putting the moves on that fire hydrant with a knit cap for 20 minutes now.
To be fair, he could never get into a real woman's boxers with less work.
The next dog that comes by and smells that thing after he's done is gonna be real confused.

 

by Spankling
8-12-03
HEEEEEELP! THE PAIN! THE DISCOMFORT!
Lucky fuckin' bum! Why didn't those kids set ME on fire?

 

by Spankling
8-28-03
We love to see you smile!
THEN STOP FUCKING UP THE RAIN FOREST!
Look, perv boy - I'm just trying to make a fucking living. You want one of these shit burgers or not?
Uh... no. Just a hot apple pie and a strawberry shake.
That's more like it. you want that for here or to go?
Here. And could you put them into an enema bag? And would you mind bending over please?

Showing page 11.

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