All comics by biped

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by biped
7-06-04
Good LORD -- nothing but porno. I've never seen such sick, twisted acts of perversion outside of a three-ring donkey circus.
I checked out the kitchen. He appears to subsist solely on canned food, TV dinners, and beer. But at least it's Budweiser.
The King of Beers. Gotta give him that much.
Well, I've seen enough. Any more and I'd have to go somewhere and vomit.
Do it outside then, lieutenant -- we're gonna to have to call in the toxic waste boys on that bathroom.

 

by biped
7-06-04
Hey! What are you guys doing in my house?
Nice of you to show up, biped! Ah...I see you shop at EZ-Mart. Classy.
Where are my cats? Did you do something to my cats?
Oh, a "cat person", eh? Well, that rounds out the old checklist...weirdo.
Well, sergeant, it looks like our little "stripcreator" scam is really helping us clean up the streets. Who's next on the "user" list?
Some goofball named "AtheistDiary." My god, lieutenant -- it's like a rogue's gallery of scum.

 

by biped
7-07-04
Chuck, I -- YAAAAA!!! THERE'S A MONKEY IN THE BEDROOM!!!
HELP!!! HELP!!! CHUCK, THERE'S A MONK --
Relax, Velma. It's me -- Chuck.
Chuck! What happened? You've suddenly turned into a monkey!
"Suddenly"? I've always been a monkey. Not very observant, are we, my dear?

 

by biped
7-07-04
What do you mean, you've always been a monkey? Why, that's absurd!
Just look at our wedding picture, my dear. Take a good look this time.
Oh my GOD! What was I thinking? I married a MONKEY!
Well, I assumed you'd noticed I was a monkey at some point during the courtship, so I never mentioned it.

 

by biped
7-07-04
Mom! Did you know that Chuck was a monkey?
Of course, dear. He's a wonderful son-in-law.
But HOW, Mom? After all this time, how could I have not NOTICED that Chuck was a MONKEY?
Well, you know the old saying, dear -- "love is blind." Besides, it'll all be okay after the operation.
Operation? WHAT operation?
The operation to turn you into a monkey, my dear. It's my 25th anniversary gift to you.

 

by biped
7-07-04
Oh, you look WONDERFUL, Mrs. Pritchard! This is my best human-to-monkey operation EVER!
*sigh* This could all have been avoided if only I'd been more observant. Oh, well...
Chuck! Guess what? I --
SURPRISE, my dear! I've been surgically transformed into a HUMAN!
Well, FUCK.
Err...are you wearing a new outfit?

 

by biped
7-09-04
Flippy-flam -- "BLAM" -- bobbigoggle dippy sam.
Flippy snark -- my Wolf Man just "goo-gooed."
FLIPPY-FLAM -- "BLAM" -- BOBBIGOGGLE DIPPY SAM!
Floppy marf -- woofy "goo-goo" blarf!
SMAFFY SMURP!!!
BLARF!!! BLARF!!! GOO-GARF!!!

 

by biped
7-09-04
I want..."have sex"...with your wife.
You want to what with my who?
Err...my English not so good...ehh, I want..."have sex"...with your...ehh...wife.
OH! YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE!
Darn it, I wish they'd hurry up and finish having sex. I'm hungry for dinner.
AAAAH!!! AAAAAH!!! EHHHHH!!! UNNNGGGHHH!!!

 

by biped
7-09-04
Woof! Woof!
What's that, girl? There's a chipmunk trapped in the old abandoned mine shaft?
Woof! Woof!
Oh no! I have to get help! We've got to go save the little chipmunk! Good doggy!
"Chipmunk"? I was just trying to tell him that there's a huge cum stain on the crotch of his pants.

 

by biped
7-09-04
Honey, where's that other case of beer I bought today?
Don, you're drinking too much beer! And I don't like it when you drink too much beer!
But I like to get drunk sometimes, and have fun with "the guys"!
WELL! You're certainly not "GETTING ANY" tonight, MISTER!
Don...if you send "the guys" home RIGHT NOW and come to bed, I'll let you have sex with me...
Nope! Go fuck yourself!

 

by biped
7-10-04
I just murdered my entire family with a chainsaw and disposed of their body parts in a big barrel of acid down in the basement. Wanna fuck?
I like to feast on raw flesh ripped from the bodies of my still-screaming victims and then drink their warm, salty blood out of Flintstone jelly glasses. You?
Are you into "scat"? I just took a shitload of Ex-Lax. Hey...I said "shitload"! Ha-ha! Get it? So, are you ready for me to shit on you now?

 

by biped
7-12-04
I'm so happy and content! Everything's wonderful! Life is so very, very good!
You said it! It's like heaven on earth! Things couldn't possibly be any better!
Oh no! DOOMSDAY DOG!
Why, Doomsday Dog? WHY?

 

by biped
7-12-04
I just published the "great American novel" and made the cover of People magazine!
I just won the lottery and found my "soul-mate"! All's right with the world!
Oh no! DOOMSDAY DOG!
Why, Doomsday Dog? WHY?

 

by biped
7-12-04
The peace talks were a total success! The nations of the world are ending all hostilities!
It's the start of a glorious new era of peace and brotherhood that will last for centuries!
Oh no! DOOMSDAY DOG!
Why, Doomsday Dog? WHY?

 

by biped
7-12-04
I was just voted Playmate of the Year! My perfect beauty is the envy of millions!
I just topped the "Fifty Sexiest Studs Alive" list! I get laid every time I turn around!
Oh no! DOOMSDAY DOG!
Why, Doomsday Dog? WHY?

 

by biped
7-12-04
I'm the biggest pork tycoon ever! I've cornered the entire sausage and bacon market and driven everyone else out of business!
I'm the fried chicken king of the world! People gorge themselves on my fried chicken a million billion times a day!
Oh no! DOOMSDAY DOG!
Why, Doomsday Dog? WHY?

 

by biped
7-13-04
Slap yourself!
No!
I'm a MAGIC squirrel, and I can MAKE you slap yourself!
OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
Hey! Look at the big, fat idiot slapping himself, everybody!
WAAAAAA!!! I HATE YOU, MAGIC SQUIRREL!!! WAAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
7-13-04
Take your clothes off! I wanna see what you've got under there, baby!
How dare you! I'll do no such thing!
Oh, yeah? I'm a MAGIC squirrel, and I can make your clothes DISAPPEAR!
Wha -- OMIGOD!
Hey! Check out the ditzy babe runnin' around half-nekkid, everybody!
AAAARRRG!!! YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE SEXIST BASTARD!!! GRRRRR!!!

 

by biped
7-13-04
Hey fuckwad, I'm bored! Dress up in a clown suit and dance around singing "Whoopty-Doo, I'm A Clown!" for my entertainment!
You can't be serious -- that would be HUMILIATING! SURELY you're not that much of a MONSTER!
Hmm...well, then I guess I could just use magic...and MAKE you do it...seeing that I'm a MAGIC SQUIRREL!
NO! NOOOO!
Come one, come all, everybody! Gather round and watch this goofy fucker bein' a stupid clown!
WHOOPTY-DOO, I'M A CLOWN! LA-LA-LA!!! WHOOPTY-DOO, I'M A CLOWN!!! OH MY GOD!!!

 

by biped
7-13-04
Hiya, Father O'Dool! Let's go watch some wet, sloppy porn flicks!
"Porn flicks"? Why, of course not. I would NEVER watch such immoral filth.
Aw, come on! I can get us in for free -- I'm a MAGIC SQUIRREL! LET'S GO! HUP! HUP!
But I don't want to see the --
Hey look, everybody! Me and m' ole pal Father O'Dool are watchin' "Buttfucks 'n' Blowjobs"! Wow, lookit that blonde bimbo gobble two veiny cocks!
OH MY!!! I -- UNNNGGGHHH!!!

 

by biped
7-14-04
Hi, President Bush! Why don'tcha go on national TV and tell everybody that they're all a bunch of big, fat, shit-for-brains assholes?
I don't think that'd be a very good idea -- for a variety of reasons.
It's okay, George -- I'm a MAGIC SQUIRREL! I can arrange the WHOLE THING for ya!
No...don't do it, squirrel...don't --
Welcome, TV viewers of America! President Bush would like to make a big important announcement now, so listen carefully, everyone!
Must resist...must...My fellow Americans. I have come to the conclusion that you are all a bunch of big, fat, shit-for-brains assholes.

 

by biped
7-15-04
Note to self: underwear is not appropriate funeral attire.
Note to self: a coyote is not an acceptable hooker substitute.
Note to self: fire is not a cleaning tool.

 

by biped
7-16-04
...so that's why I think Lucas should've let someone else direct "Menace" and "Clones." I mean, "Empire" was better than "Hope", right? Huh? Right?
...and Milkshake likes his treats in a special bowl. And Froo-Froo will only let Victor style her poodle-do's. And Muffy-Wuffins is so adorable -- he thinks that I'm his Mommy.
...so, is it fun to be a midget? Or do you get tired of having your face in everybody else's crotches and assholes all the time? And being the first to smell all their farts?

 

by biped
7-17-04
I just found a picture of you and Corey Feldman, circa 1982.
What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us.
I am a talking coyote.

 

by biped
7-17-04
Your "Joe Millionaire" audition tape has been rejected.
I am the ghost of the dolphin that was in the tuna sandwich you ate for lunch.
I am Invisible Dave, Professional Priest Baffler.

 

by biped
7-18-04
Hey, let's go on an ocean cruise, dick-licker!
Okay, dog-dick breath!
This cruising-around shit sucks! Let's shit on all the passengers!
And then skullfuck the captain and piss on him after we shit on him, too!
Later...
Man, I sure did shit a lot during that cruise!
Well, there were a lot of people to shit on! And that's not even counting our normal daily shits!

 

by biped
7-18-04
APE.
CAVEMAN.
MUBOONGO.
OLD MAN KESTERSON.
FLIGHT CAPTAIN DAVID R. WILSON, NASA SPACE SHUTTLE PILOT.
CLOWN.

 

by biped
7-19-04
Drinking on the job again, eh? YOU'RE FIRED. Clear out your desk and get lost.
That's IT! No more finely-aged dick cheese for you!
I -- huh? That was YOU?
Well, it didn't just appear on your desk every other Friday by MAGIC, asshole! It came from MY dick, and I packaged it all fancy like that MYSELF!
Uh, well...perhaps I was a little hasty. *slurp*
TOO LATE, Mr. Insensitive! It's back to KRAFT SINGLES for you!

 

by biped
7-19-04
And you say it's the finest-quality dick cheese available? And if I help you surreptitiously harvest it, I get half?
QUIET! You'll wake him up!
I think this is his bedroo -- YAAAA!!!
Ah-HA! I had a feeling you'd pull something like this! I've been lying in wait for you!
So, who's the goober in the trenchcoat?
My neighbor, Ted. He inadvertently tasted one of your special cheese logs, and now he's got a smegma-encrusted monkey on his back.

 

by biped
7-19-04
Enough talk! Let's kill him and take the cheese!
NO! We'd be killing the dick that laid the golden cheese!
Well, well! Looks like I've got me a couple of DICK-CHEESE SLAVES!
You BASTARD! You know we'd do anything for that sweet food of the gods that only YOUR DICK can provide!
Later...
WOW! This videotape of them FUCKING THEIR MOMS is GREAT! And I just harvested next week's cheese log while I was jerking off!

 

by biped
7-22-04
YAAAAA!!! IT'S HORROR BABY!!!
I GOTS TO KILLIFY HIM!!!
You can't killify me. I'm Horror Baby.

 

by biped
7-22-04
If you're thinking about killifying me, allow me to remind you -- I'm Horror Baby.
Yeah. That's right. Punk.

 

by biped
7-22-04
Oh, what are you supposed to be? Like, Jason or something?
Here's the deal. You try to killify me, you die. You read me a story, you live. Maybe.
And th-then Gol -- Gol -- G-Goldi--
"Goldilocks." Dumbass.

 

by biped
7-23-04
Hmm, hmm...dum dee dum...
One step closer, and I killify your dumb ass -- and then incinerate the corpse.
HAI-YAAA!!!
Told ya.

 

by biped
7-24-04
What does it say?
"Dear Father Muckle: I will never visit your church because you have been ba-aa-aad. Signed, Church Goat."
Who are you?
I'm Church Goat's representative. He sent me here to eat your shorts.
Church Goat! You changed your mind about visiting my church!
Not really. I'm just here to marry your mom.

 

by biped
7-24-04
Mom, you married Church Goat?
Yes, and he's adopting you. So now your name is Father Goat, and you have to call him "Daa-aa-aad."
What's wrong, Daa-aa-aad?
Your mom just got hit by a bus. So I'll be expecting you to pack your stuff and get out of the house. And yes, I've counted the silverware.
May I have some of your beans, Smelly Old Dan?
Nope. (burp) But I saw a dead rat next to your cardboard box -- I reckon it'll fry up good enough to suit you, Goat-Boy.

 

by biped
7-24-04
Hey, I thought you had polio? Lets discuss this underwater for one more panel and then go to your bedroom for some reason. So, do you have polio?
No, I played water polo for the U.S. Olympic Team?
Holy crap! Where?
Where the fuck do you -- hey, this isn't my bedroom! Who are you?
The human's medical history checks out. We may now commence with the excruciatingly painful anal probes.

 

by biped
7-24-04
Hi! I'm Europe!
Hi! I'm the "New World"!
Let's fuck!
...and that is how America came to be.

 

by biped
7-24-04
Read it backwards!
"Home tutoring", my Aunt Fanny.
That's fascinating, Mr. Peevey...but was it necessary to demonstrate it by fucking me in the ass?
...and that is how America came to be.

 

by biped
7-25-04
I read in Vogue that you were a real tight ass. You could turn coal into a diamond, brotha man!
Well, I read in Cosmo that you were on a three hour tour at sea and were lost for 5 years.
Well, I ... HEY! My forehead and hip! I'm turning into a bunch of fish!
Uh oh, me too.
Boy oh boy, what a catch! What are you going to do with your bunch of fish?
Let's slowly incinerate them one at a time, and savor each agonized squeal!

 

by biped
7-25-04
I...I pooped in my pants this morning...I'm still wearing them...it, uh, feels sorta funny...but sorta good, too...especially when I sit down, or when I lift my knees up and down...
Mommy...
...and now I'm urinating in my pants... the warmth feels comforting, and the urine is reactivating the smell of my poop, combining to create a new and richer aroma... which I really, really like...
Mommy, I'm scared...
...and that is how America came to be.

 

by biped
7-25-04
...and that is how Antarctica came to be.
Antarctica? What the fuck? You were supposed to teach me about America!
America? Hmm...well, when you come right down to it...I guess they're not really all THAT different...
...and that is how America came to be.

 

by biped
7-26-04
I figured out a great way for us to meet women! We'll drop acid and crash through their bedroom windows at night dressed like circus clowns.
O.K., I'm with you so far...
I'm sorry, sir. It appears "Bonkers" the clown cleaned out your bank account, defecated on your carpet, and skipped town with your wife.
AAARRRGGGHHH!!! FUCKING CLOWNS!!!
What a pretty kitty, let me pet you.
Oh god, you picked the wrong day to fuck...did you just shit on my carpet?

 

by biped
7-27-04
Okay, Keanu... this is the big scene... where you have to act.
Whoa.
I hate to do it, Sandra... but for this next scene... I'm going to have to ask you to emote.
Oh my god! Shit! Fuck! I -- shit! Oh my fff -- god! Ehh! Ooh! Eee! Aah! Guh! ...How's that?
Have you seen that big pile of gunpowder we were going to use in the next scene, Mr. Hopper?
Gunpowder? Shit, man, I snorted it!

 

by biped
7-28-04
Now if I may, I'd like to give my opinion on the President's recent actions.
Meanwhile, I'll be fucking him in the ass with my super-huge, super-hard SUPER-DICK! Spanky -- this one's for you, son!
What the f --
Oww! My back!
He's not as sexy as Dad, but he's still fuckable.

 

by biped
8-05-04
MMMMMMMM AH!
Oh my god, I can't believe you just took a crap in Satan's underwear drawer!
Relax. Satan and I always play practical jokes on eachother. Besides, how could he possibly top this one?
I don't know ... Satan's pretty crafty ...
1,000 years later...
Mmmbop, ba duba dop ba do bop, Ba duba dop ba do bop, Ba duba dop ba do. oh yeah --
NOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

 

by biped
8-05-04
I AM SO ANGRY AT THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! GRRRRRRR!!! I SWEAR, I'M GONNA KILL THE NEXT SON-OF-A-BITCH I LAY EYES ON!!!
Look! Me found kitty cat!
GRRRRRRR!!!
Are you glad me found kitty cat?
SON-OF-A... er...yeah, I guess I am kinda glad you found kitty cat...

 

by biped
8-05-04
Me GLAD you glad me found kitty cat!
Er...yeah...me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat...
Me GLAD you glad me glad you glad me found kitty cat!
Umm...er...m-me... me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat...
Six hours later...
...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad...
...you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad...

 

by biped
8-05-04
...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad...
...you glad me glad you -- NOOO!!! NOOOOO!!! I'LL KILL EVERYBODY!!! I'LL KILL EVERYBODY!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! YAAAAAAA!!!
NOOOO!!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!! I SWEAR I'LL KILL EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!!! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!!! MOMMY!!!
...and he was GLAD me was glad he was glad me found kitty cat! Are you GLAD he was glad me was glad he was glad me found kitty cat?
Yes, yes -- me glad he was glad you were glad he was glad you were glad...oh, fuck it. I'll just shoot him in the back of the head.

 

by biped
8-05-04
I'm so glad you were able to find a babysitter at the last minute, darling.
Yes, we're really lucky that Stupid Joe was available.
STUPID JOE? Oh no! You left the baby with Stupid Joe?
Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong?

Showing page 11.

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