All comics by niteowl

Profile

 

by niteowl
2-17-04
Haha! You idiot, you stepped in doggie poop!
Excellent! First the manure truck, and now this...Today's my lucky day, I tell ya!

 

by niteowl
2-19-04
So you wanna be a big rock and roll star, and God won't respond to your numerous prayers for eternal fame and hot chicks, eh? I can help, just sign this contract.
Excellent!
*ahem* But there is one catch...
I bet you want a blowjob in return...
No, I'll collect that later when you're jonesing for that crackpipe hit. You have to sign the contract in your own blood. Here's a knife.
One question: Do I HAVE to swallow?

 

by niteowl
2-19-04
dude your comics suck!   From niteowl :: 02-19-04 06:37pm ( reply :: delete )
No, your comics suck!   From niteowl :: 02-19-04 06:40pm ( reply :: delete )
jerk!   From niteowl :: 02-19-04 06:44pm ( reply :: delete )
cockknocker!   From niteowl :: 02-19-04 06:47pm ( reply :: delete )
LOLZ!   From niteowl :: 02-19-04 06:49pm ( reply :: delete )
Fuck it, I'm asking Brad to ban this bitch.

 

by niteowl
2-19-04
1.
I haven't showered in a month.
2.
A coupla 'dem 'dere bugs jumped offa me an' onta you.
3.
I discovered some creative uses for those tongue depressors while you were out of the room. Wanna see?

 

by niteowl
2-19-04
1.
Check this one out. It curls up into an almost perfect circle!
2.
*mrmgrrmmrm* Sorry but I just couldn't wait until I got home to jerk off.
3.
Oof. I shouldn't have had Taco Bell for lunch. This is gonna be a bad one.

 

by niteowl
2-19-04
Saddam Hussein.
Ouch. We got a Weapon of Ass Destruction over here.
Dracula in the ladies' room.
Psst...any used maxipads floating in your bowl over there?
Ron Jeremy.
Ain't there a plunger in here? Nevermind, I'll just snake this bad boy myself.

 

by niteowl
2-20-04
Mummy, can I have some pancakes?
We have to wait for Daddy sweetheart. He will be home any minute.
3 Hours Later
Where's Daddy? I want pancakes!
Where the hell is he?
Later...
Honey, I'm sorry I didn't come home this morning. Let's talk about this...what are you thinking?
I'm just wondering how one person can be kidnapped by aliens 39 times in 2 months.

 

by niteowl
2-20-04
Dude, the boss is gone for the rest of the day. We have the whole place to ourselves! You know what that means, don'tcha?
We can actually get some work done at our own pace instead of having him breathing down our necks?
I was thinking more along the lines of AVOIDING work altogether by surfing the internet the rest of the day...
Why don't you just go all out and have a kegger here with strippers and midget mud wrestlers?
Now that's a great idea man!
*tap tap* Is your sarcasm detector working today?

 

by niteowl
2-20-04
*knock knock*
What the hell? Who would be knocking on our door at 6:30am?
Who's there?
Good morning! I have the Girl Scout cookies you ordered.
Here you are sir, 2 boxes of Thin Mints, sliced EXTRA thin.

 

by niteowl
2-20-04
Congratulations niteowl, you have been picked by a co-worker for the 4th quarter Achievement Award!
I really would've preferred a raise.
Haha, what a kidder, eh? A hard worker AND funny. Let's give this guy a round of applause!
I wasn't kidding.
Well alrighty then. Um, here's your award.
Hmm. Lightweight, thin, made of plastic...I bet I could toss this sucker frisbee style all the way across the warehouse.

 

by niteowl
2-22-04
We're here with Billy Bob, who opposes gay marriage. So Billy Bob, what do you think of what's going on in San Francisco right now?
I think all those sick bastards need to be hung. Marriage is a sacred thing between a man and a woman.
But polls have shown that gays are typically more monogamous than straight people, therefore one would think that marriage would be just as sacred to them, maybe even more...
Yes, but they're still going against God's will. The Bible says that marriage is between a MAN and a WOMAN.
Is it true that you've been married 6 times and you've appeared on the Jerry Springer show 3 times?
Yes, that's true, but...Hey! What are you insinuating?

 

by niteowl
2-22-04
Due to graphic limitations, the part of Anna Nicole will be played by a clown.
Wow, you look great Anna!
I look good and I feel good...
Another pose please, Anna?
...thanks to Trim Spa!
Hey Anna, now you really look like Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous!
Oh WHATEVER! That Patsy's a bimbo!

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
Original comment : d00d is in y00r base, killing y00r d00ds (UE)
Deserves a more coherent comment from me. (UE) :)
Because it's the first comment, UnknownEric will always have a special place in my heart.
Making his momma proud
Damn straight. Look Ma, capitalization AND punctuation!
Popped a caption in my ass.
With my LOVE GUN!

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
Can't find your profile yet, still looking - thoc
I found it dude, it was in the junk drawer next to the refrigerator.
Join my breakfast club (<3 Match)
Match rocks. Ok, I know it ain't a funny retort but it's true. <3
This panel edited because of adult language.
Secksier than a Buick full of ferrets - MikeyG
******* *************

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
tee hee (kitty)
I'll assume that means my comics are ok. Tee Hee!
I wonder if he's a fan of Watchmen...
Nope, not a fan...uh, who are they?
Gives me nightmares.
Shouldn't it be "nitemares"? Haw haw haw! Haw...haw...ha. *sigh*

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
Possibly impotent
That's so mean. Put down the haterade. :(
Peachy Keen! -Ivy
Jellybean! Hey, do they have jellybeans in Ivytopia?
hdb! (psst, knkx is really a giraffe)
knkx! the giraffe!

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
if i had talent like this, i'd go down on myself
One of these days, I'm gonna get a couple of ribs removed and solve that problem...
How many licks does it take to get to the centre?
3! *crunch*
Good Shit (TG)
Yay! TheGov in the hizze!

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
I pulled you over because you ran that stop light back there.
Oh, I didn't realize it was red. I'm colorblind.
Ok, then why did you run that stop sign right before that?
I can't read either.
Plus, you were doing 55 in a 30 mph zone and your license is suspended. Do you realize how much trouble you're in, Miss Smith?
Huh? I have a license? Cool! By the way, who's Miss Smith?

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
Smells Like Owl Spirit (Chicka)
Hey, a Nirvana reference. You know what's kinda neat about that video, besides the anarchist cheerleaders, is that Dave Grohl had "Chaka" written on his bass drum head...
...and that always makes me think of Land Of The Lost. It was such a silly show, I mean, just what the hell is a Sleestak anyways? Is it human? An alien? All I know is it freaked me out...
*ahem* Are you done rambling yet?
...and just how did they manage to survive with all those dinosaurs around waiting to turn their asses into beef jerky? It was luck, I tell ya.

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
Wanna go do something?
Sure. Like what?
How about we hit the mall?
Ok. Let me go get my heavy-duty purse though.
Huh? Are you bringing that for protection?
No, it's to smack you upside the head with every time you ogle a hot chick who walks past us.

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
You wanted to see me boss?
Yes X-18, it's time for your yearly review and upgrade.
Excellent! What do I get this year?
A microchip upgrade, night vision optical upgrade, and a photon torpedo gun with an ultra-violet laser sighting.
Great! What about a penis?
You got the vagina you requested last year. Don't get greedy, kid.

 

by niteowl
2-28-04
!!!!selur lwoetin
!hcum yrev yrev uoy knaht, yhW
That took entirely too long for you to type out.
You got that right.
Ok, moving right along...oh god oh god I haven't rated niteowl (<3 dcom)
You just did.

 

by niteowl
3-02-04
Charlize! What are you doing here?
Hi Adrian! Oh, I'm here cause God smited me for not wearing makeup and gaining 30 pounds in Monster. Why are you here?
The kiss.
Ooh! I bet God smacked you down for that one.
Yeah. He said, "BINACA! WHERE WAS THE BINACA THEN, HUH?"
Damn! Say, did you see Billy? He got sent down here too because of the war jokes. Apparently, war is no laughing matter "up there".

 

by niteowl
3-02-04
makes me 'owl with laughter --um
Umfum's comics make me laugh until my head starts spinning and I'm feeling disi.
WHOOO I am I to rate one so great (Red)
If I wasn't blue, you'd see me blushing right now.
Makes me wanna titty fuck Yoda's ears (AthD)
Wow, my comics inspire people to molest little green aliens. Cool!

 

by niteowl
3-02-04
The Bible : True story or a work of fiction? Phil McCracken is live right now with Jesus himself to answer the question. Take it away, Phil!
Thank you Tom. Jesus, rumors have been swirling for years that the Immaculate Conception was just a hoax. Is this true?
Sadly...Yes, it's true.
If it was not an Immaculate Conception, then what was it?
Louise Brown was NOT the first test tube baby, I WAS!

 

by niteowl
3-02-04
Ok, so what about that walking on water thing? Real or not real?
Not real. It was all CGI. The director said that the CGI would make the crowd "Ooh" and "Ahh".
Alrighty. It's been said that at your crucifixion, you originally did not wear a Crown of Thorns. What were you supposed to be wearing on your head?
A Top Hat. But it was impossible to roll that sucker off my head, down my arm and catch it since my...uh, hands were kinda tied.
Interesting...
And besides, the top hat clashed with the loincloth. We definitely needed a better wardrobe department then.

 

by niteowl
3-02-04
I hate to bring this up Jesus, but our viewers have to know...what did you really have to eat at The Last Supper?
KFC.
KFC? Seriously?
Yes. They've been a sponsor of "The Bible" for many, many years...
So...it was product placement?
You betcha. They paid good bling bling for that spot.

 

by niteowl
3-02-04
Moses parted the Red Sea, a feat of epic proportions. Just how did he do it?
Well, he had been working on that act for many years on the club circuit, and had been dying to try it on a more massive scale. He had only used a kiddie swimming pool up until that point in his act..
...so it was quite a leap from that to an entire body of water. He had all the skills, but it was clear he needed some outside assistance...
From who?
We wanted David Blaine originally, but he wanted an exorbitant amount of money for his services, so we settled for Copperfield instead. A lot cheaper, and a lot sexier.

 

by niteowl
3-02-04
Well folks, say what you will, but to this reporter it's obvious...The Bible is indeed real! Any parting words before we go back to the studio?
Yes. We've got a new reality show coming to FOX, as I try to cope with the perils of living with Noah and all those animals, dealing with my lack of style...
...and my brief but horrid turn to Satanism. It's about the struggles of an ordinary man in an unordinary world. It's called "Average Jesus".
Sounds like a great show, Jesus. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us.
Thank you. Don't forget...7pm Monday, on FOX, Average Jesus! Sponsored by Budweiser, Wonder Bread, and Boone's Farm.

 

by niteowl
3-04-04
By instigating an massive amount of backstabbing and in-fighting between the crappy employees here, thus making them all kill each other.
I have an extraordinary talent for noticing all the bad things other employees do, and informing upper management about 'em.
I'll spread my legs for every guy in the office, because a happy employee is a productive employee.

 

by niteowl
3-04-04
What the fuck are you talking about?
I promise to come to work stoned only 3 days a week, instead of everyday like the last guy who worked here.
If you hire me, I'll stop robbing this place at gunpoint every other week.

 

by niteowl
3-04-04
Asking you the same question when you come back begging for a janitorial job.
Hopefully retired, after I embezzle a whole lotta money from this place.
I won't be seeing anything because I'm blind for life, you heartless bastard!

 

by niteowl
3-06-04
Man, God is gonna be mad when he gets home and sees this mess.

 

by niteowl
3-06-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Um, hang on. I'll be right back.
Dude! She's half naked in my bedroom! What do I do now?
Turn on the webcam, dummy!

 

by niteowl
3-06-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Uh, I gotta go the bathroom first...
"Searched the web for how to ditch a girl without hurting her feelings. Results 1 - 10 of about 4,860."

 

by niteowl
3-06-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way.
...I went from 0 to boner in 5.7 seconds.

 

by niteowl
3-06-04
Tell me a story, dude.
Ok. I was walking down the street one day when a man came up to and said, "Do you got the time?".
*ahem*
What?
That ain't no story, man. That's a song by the band Chicago.
Pfft. Like anyone knows the lyrics to a Chicago song. Only thing people remember about them is the badass horn section.

 

by niteowl
3-06-04
Wouldn't it be cool if you could leave your body and kinda look at yourself from far away?
You betcha, daddio.
I'd want to run away from my body in certain situations.
Like those times when my farts are of the "100 rotten eggs meets cooked broccoli" variety.

 

by niteowl
3-07-04
While surfing the Comic Competitions Forum...
"Crohn's and Colitis Foundation Of America"
Weird. We were just talking about Colitis in Literati earlier today. What a coinkydink.
Yeah, what a coincidence.
What the hell...I just thought that, I didn't say it out loud.
No, you said it out loud.
NO I DIDN'T!

 

by niteowl
3-07-04
Hi there, Monty. I'm delivering my daughter's Girl Scout cookies. I see you ordered 2 boxes of Thin Mints, and 3 boxes of Trefoils.
Um Patty, why isn't she delivering them herself?
She's sick. Say, you're looking kinda cute today, Monty...
Thanks. Uh, can I have my cookies now?
In fact, so damn cute that I could just suck you off right now. How would you like that, huh?
Look, just give me my fucking cookies, alright?

 

by niteowl
3-07-04
Hey, did you hear about Casper's blind date? It didn't go so well...
He scared her away! Haw haw!
BOOOOOOO!
I hate playing to a crowd of fellow ghosts. I can't tell if they're cheering or not.
BOOOOOOO!

 

by niteowl
3-08-04
I am a self-starter, and I can work without constant supervision.
Excellent. So, what kind of computer skills do you have?
I'm proficient in Word, Excel, and Powerpoint.
Do you have HTML skills? Better yet, do you have your own website?
No. I don't even have a computer at home.
Self-starter. Works without supervision. No computer at home. I bet he'd be surfing the internet all day here.

 

by niteowl
3-08-04
One day in the forest...
We are the Knights who say...Ni!
Ni!
What the fuck are we talking about?

 

by niteowl
3-08-04
Hey, did you hear about Jay-Z and his new spoken word audiobook tribute to Coleridge? It's called "Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner".
Marcel Marceau did one too, it was called "Mime Of The Ancient Mariner".
Oh, and did you hear about Mr. Clean's "Grime Of The Ancient Mariner"?
Excuse me whilst I locate my crossbow, for you are my albatross, and you've shit on me long enough.

 

by niteowl
3-09-04
What do you mean I'm not charming? I happen to think I'm quite a catch.
1 hour before this conversation...
*BELCH* *scratch nuts*
Get me a beer, will ya honey?
Oh yes, it is truly a miracle that women aren't breaking our door down to steal you away from me.

 

by niteowl
3-09-04
Well, it looks like we are hopelessly lost.
Yep. Sure does.
I really hope you taste like chicken. Southern Fried, preferably.

 

by niteowl
3-10-04
Hello...is this Cell #15?
Yessuh, it is.
I have a marble cake with chocolate frosting for you...
I don't want cake, I'd rather have a pizza with double anchovies...
So you don't want this file either?
Why would I want to file my nails down? They keep the sisters away.

 

by niteowl
3-10-04
Raquel Welch was hotter!
No way! Jayne Mansfield was!
1 minute later.
You realize if I had teeth I would've bit the fuck out of you.
I would've pulled your hair, if you had any. And I tried kicking you but my hip popped out of joint.

 

by niteowl
3-10-04
"President Bush, seen here in Texas waving to the crowd..."
Hmmm....
Have you ever noticed how small Bush's hands are? He's got some awfully tiny fingers.
Yes I have. You know what that means, don't you?
He probably doesn't play guitar very well?

 

by niteowl
3-11-04
March 2004.
I know how to keep our economy strong, and keep our country safe.
I will fight against corporate greed and cronyism.
July 2004.
John Kerry is a terrorist, a flag-burner, and a dope smoking hippie freak.
Our president hates everyone who isn't a straight, white, rich, redneck.
October 2004.
I have tapes of John Kerry giving all the aliens from his home planet anal probes and blowjobs.
Our president fucked his dog, then killed it. Do you seriously believe it died of natural causes?

Showing page 11.

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