All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
10-22-02
The proverbs of Solomon (again)
My son, if you receive my words and_treasure_up_my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding;
yes, if you cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures;
then you will understand -- um, son, what the heck are you wearing?
It's called "cap and hoodie." It'll be all the rage in a few thousand years; you'll see.

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.
If you beat him with the rod you will save his life from Sheol.
But know when to stay your hand, for if you beat him with the rod too often he may grow up into this.
Beat me some more, Mommy! Beat me some more! [grovel]

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
Awake, you drunkards, and weep; and wail, all you drinkers of wine, because of the sweet wine, for it is cut off from your mouth.
Hold on, wait a second -- I'm totally lost.
Me too. What part of the Bible is this from?
Er, The Book of Joel.
The book of who?
I've never heard of the Book of "Joel." Isn't that one of those joke Bible books, like the "Book of Delusions?"
Or maybe I could just smite your drunk lackey ass.
No, no, we're cool, but couldn't you maybe move us somewhere with more pizzaz, like the Book of Numbers?
Or maybe Deuteronomy? "Deuteronomy" is fun to say.

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and that they may enter the city by the gates.
Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and fornicators and murderers and idolaters, and every one who loves and practices falsehood.
Fornicators with clean robes can use the service enterance in the rear.
Thanks, I was just gonna ask.
What about me? I'm a chicken.

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you; he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life...
Hey you! Jesus! That's enough miricalin' out of you, hot-shot!
Who the fuck are you?
You don't recognize me? I'm Adam. I'm sick of you getting all the press these days. I get one book, and you get a whole TESTAMENT! Well no longer, hippy! Prepare for a good Old-Testament beatin'!
"Ow! No hair-pulling, hippy!" "Don't make me tell my dad!" "Brat!" "Fossil!" "Ow!" "Jerk!" "Cannnibalistic media whore!!"
Uh, hey, John... let's leave this part out of the text, whadda ya say?
Which part? The fight thing or the "eat my flesh" stuff? 'Cause that's kinda gross.

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
OW! FUCK! OW THIS HURTS! ARGH! HOLY SHIT! AAAAHHH!! *COUGH* *COUGH* *HACK* *WHEEZE* *COUGH* *GASP*
*WHEEZE!!!* bleeaaaaahhh... *fart*
Damn, John... that was just pathetic. I can't believe we followed this guy for so long.
It's kind of embarassing... I'll just put "Why have you forsaken me?" and maybe add some stuff about ressurection.

 

by Scyess
10-22-02
Jon, would you tell me you love me just to get me to sleep with you?
Of course not, Tataki! I would never do something like that!
...and is that because you respect me as a friend, or is it because you know it'd never work and you'd get the bejeezus beaten out of you?
...uuhhh...
You know something? With women, there's no right answer.
Do I know it? It keeps us paramedics employed.

 

by Scyess
10-28-02
Hi! Um, are you Jon?
Yes...
Good. I wanted you to know I'm young, single, and female, and I don't hate you yet.
Guh
...I'm not saying it wasn't funny. I just wished you'd warned me he'd go into epilectic fits after I said it.
My favorite part was when he burst into flames.

 

by Scyess
10-28-02
I beat my life record; there's another cute girl who'll talk to me, and with Tataki that brings the total to two!
To how many?
Two!
TO HOW MANY???
Uh, to three.
That's nice. So tell me about her.

 

by Scyess
10-28-02
I think she's really cute, but I couldn't cheat on Tataki.
Hasn't Tataki hospitalized you many times instead of dating you?
So you think I should go for the new girl?
Didn't she try to set you on fire?
Well, she succeeded, actually...
Maybe you should consder drinking yourself into a coma.

 

by Scyess
10-28-02
Hi! Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to apologize for the trick Tataki had me play on you earlier. Let's be friends.
You? Friends... with me?
Yeah... um... are you, okay?
Yes! Friends! Us! Yeh! Guuuuuuh...
You're a bit of a spaz, aren't you?
Who, me? Not at all.

 

by Scyess
10-30-02
That was the girl!
She seemed nice enough.
Do you think I handled myself okay?
Aside from failing to complete a coherent sentence and bursting into flames, I thought you were one smooth talker.
Do you think I should ask her out?
Sure, but first buy her a bottle of scotch and an asbestous suit. And yes, I said BOTTLE.

 

by Scyess
10-30-02
Hi there... I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted just now.
No problem. It's almost flattering that you immolate yourself over me, in a creepy, potential-stalker sort of way.
Can I buy you a scotch? An asbestous suit? Some Bactine? A small European country?
No, thanks... but I will briefly let you picture me naked in your mind.
Fuh... ggwwaaaAAAA!!
So I bet your heating bills are pretty low, huh?

 

by Scyess
10-31-02
It's really embarassing my hormones keep combusting when you're around.
No problem. I guess you're just a hunka-hunka burnin' love! Haha.
Gee... normally a pun that awful would kill any lust in a 12-mile radius.
Obviously you're new around here...

 

by Scyess
10-31-02
There. Feeling better?
I think so. I think I'm calm enough now to finally ask if maybe you wanted to have lunch tomorrow...
Okay, the silent treatment. Rejection. At least we're back in familiar territory... I can finally slink away and be at peace again with no more sexually-induced...
Boobies!
Boobi- fuuhh! AAAYYIIEIEEE!!! Dammit, does this never get old?

 

by Scyess
10-31-02
Panties!
Okay, I'm finally immune to your sexual assaults. Just tell me already, will you have lunch with me, even if I'm not just a plaything for your own personal amusement?
Sure. I can just imagine you and me at lunch, sitting close together, when our lips stop chewing and move closer together, as if on their own, my soft, sweet lips against yours...
ggaahh... fffuuuhhhhhhhhh...
----------------------------------------*FOOM!*-------
Yeah, lunch tomorrow sounds like fun.
Dating is such sweet sorrow... Mostly sorrow, though.

 

by Scyess
10-31-02
So I don't get you. You practically begged this girl for a date even though she kept setting you on fire. Does that mean humans actually LIKE being set on fire?
er... uhhmm... not... really...
...because all those drinks I bought you, all those times I ignited you -- it was all strictly platonic, okay?
You are definitely just a friend.I mean, I don't want you getting the wrong idea. It's not that I don't like you as a person... _____________ Although I can still read your thoughts.
Any confidence I might have gained by having that blond agree to meet me for lunch is quickly being eroded by getting the "just friends" speech from a demonic sub-creature. ____________ Fuck.

 

by Scyess
10-31-02
You did WHAT???
I've got a date with that new girl today for lunch!
You? A date? Impossible... can't... resolve... brain... melting... ...guh...
Hey, Tataki...are you okay?
-------*FOOM!*----------------------------------------
guuhhh... AAIIYIIEIEIEEEE!!!
I'll just take this as a sign she's happy for me and move on.

 

by Scyess
11-05-02
Hey, Cowdjinn. I've got a date coming over in a few hours and I want everything to look nice.
I want everything to look nice, too, since I've just invited over a delgation from the Intergalactic Fast Food and Fine Art Council to discuss turning Earth into The Museum of Salted Potato Art.
You're making fun of me with your wild, made-up scenarios, aren't you?
I might ask you the same question.

 

by Scyess
11-05-02
Ready for your date?
Of course.
---**DING DONG**--------------------------------------------------
AAAHHHHHHHH!!! SHE'S HERE! SHE CAME! WHAT NOW? OH, GOD, SHE'S HERE! SHESHERESHESHERESHESHERE
Jon will be with you as soon as he detangles himself from the ceiling fan. Can I offer you a hummus soda?
Just what the hell are you supposed to be?

 

by Scyess
11-05-02
Great you could make it!
Thanks for inviting me.
--------------------------------------**SLAM**--------
Come in. I'm, uh, a little nervous, I really want things to go well today.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't've slammed the door on my Aunt Hattie.
I'll give the little prick 2 seconds to open this door and give me an explanation before I get out the power tools.

 

by Scyess
11-05-02
Your Aunt Hattie was outside when I slammed the door?
Yep.
Is it safe to assume she won't be too happy with my little faux pas.
Probably.
Um, did I just hear a chainsaw on the other side of my front door?
Most likely.

 

by Scyess
11-05-02
I'm not sure if I should let your aunt and her chainsaw in right now.
Actually, it might be a better idea to just move away from the door.
BBBUUUURRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZ CRACK! BOOM!
Just what the hell are you supposed to be?
Hummus soda?

 

by Scyess
11-05-02
Gee, I hope your aunt can forgive me for accidentally locking her out. I didn't know she was coming.
Oh, I'm sure she'll --
WHAT SHE MEANS TO SAY IS SHE CAN'T BELIEVE SHE EVER AGREED TO GO ON A DATE WITH SUCH A CRETINOUS LOSER.
"AND YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE PROVELONE!"
This is going to be a loooong day.
At least she's not in a bad mood.

 

by Scyess
11-06-02
So tell me about yourself.
Well, I --
"She just moved into town and doesn't need any nosey questions from complete strangers."
Uh, right. Would you like a refill on your soda?
I think I'll --
"She doesn't want to rot her teeth like a certain person I could mention who doesn't care about the health of his guests."
Do you always bring your aunt with you on dates?
I'll just let Aunt Hattie field that one.

 

by Scyess
11-06-02
We've had enough of you! I'm taking my niece and we're leaving.
Okay. I'm sure you remember where the door is... SAMANTHA.
Damn, Jon! *smack* How did you know *growl* it was me?
Please! How long have you been doing this?
You two KNOW each other??
What? You think you're the first girl to try to pass off a demonic sub-creature as her aunt just to get me to go away?

 

by Scyess
11-06-02
Okay, you may have gotten past my first demon, but you'll never get past...
THE DEMONIC PINK DEMON COW AND HIS DEMONIC BEVERAGES OF DOOM! SICK 'EM, DEMON COW!!!
Actually, I live here. I just offered the beverages to be hospitable.
I think "demonic" is a bit harsh, don't you? And hummus soda is just an acquired taste, that's all.
Maybe the rent-a-demon agency will give a refund if the target turns out to be wierder than the demon.

 

by Scyess
11-06-02
Well, now that the obsticles are out of our way, we are completely alone. There's nothing to keep us getting better acquainted, eh?
Sanna! Are you in here?! I heard you're with some guy! Boy, is he going to get his ass kicked!
It's okay. We weren't really completely alone with the talking pink cow here, anyway.
I think it's time to finally install those steel-reinforced doors. ______________ Damn... I'm so upset I split an infinitive.

 

by Scyess
11-06-02
Prepare for the ass-kicking of your life!
Why? Who the hell are you?
I'm Sanna's brother, HÃ¥llbus. But you can call me Hallbus.
Why?
Well, because we don't know how long I'm going to be in this comic, and Scyess doesn't feel like trying to type the "Ã¥" character all the time.
How 'bout I call you Hal?

 

by Scyess
11-06-02
I will now beat you to a mushy pulp for trying to ply my sister with roofies and turn her into a Mormon Hare Krishna Jehovah's Witness while trying to sell her life insurance at your tupperware party.
WHAT? WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THE IDEA I WAS TRYING TO DO THAT?
Hi, Jon! Sorry to bust in unannounced. Damn, what happened to your door?
Um, from her.
Sadly enough, though, that sounded better than how our date actually went.

 

by Scyess
11-07-02
How dare you try to manipulate me into beating someone up for you! You will be punished! CHOP!
DODGE! That's what you think, Sparky. You don't want to mess with me!
I'll show you what real fighting is! KICK!
BLOCK! You mean you'll try! Bring it on!
"PUNCH!" "GRAB!" "KNEE!" "CATCH!" "TRIP!" "SWEEP!" "JUMP!" "ELBOW!" "CHOP!" "BLOCK!" "THROW!"
Why do they have to shout out what they're doing like that?
It's a martial arts thing. Watch enough anime and you'll get used to it.

 

by Scyess
11-07-02
I'm just a God-fearing man. I don't need any of your crazy contraptions!
But sir! I have vacuum cleaners! They're top of the line! I also have magazine subscriptions! I have EZ-Lube and whiffleball bats!
Lube and Whiffle-what bats? What would I do with them? This...?
OH, GOD! Get that out of your ass! That's disgusting! Look, I'll do anything you want, just take it out! Take it out!
Thank you, Mr. Dog on a Ball... I've just found my true calling -- I'm going to be a POLICE INTERROGATOR! Thank you, and here's your bat back.
Keep it.

 

by Scyess
11-08-02
PUNCH! _______________ BLOCK! _______________ KICK! _______________ SLAP! _______________ DODGE! _______________ THROW! _______________ KICK!
BLOCK! _______________ KNEE! _______________ KICK! _______________ CHOP! _______________ BLOCK!
"SLAP!" "BLOCK!" "KICK!" "PUNCH!"
How long can they go on like that?
Until their limbs or vocal chords give out, I guess. I am now tingling with anticipation to find out how this afternoon is going to get worse.
"CHOP!" "HEADBUTT!" "THROW!"
Earl's at the door. Said something about wanting to tell y'all about becoming a Mormon Hare Krishna Jehovah's Witness, and something about life insurance. Oh, and I lent him your toothbrush.

 

by Scyess
11-09-02
You are too strong for me... THIS TIME! But we shall meet again!
Ha! You can't outfight me; what makes you think you can outrun me?
This I've gotta see...
Wow. They tore through your exterior wall like it was so much toilet paper.
Normally, I'd be perturbed at this point -- if not for the fact that now, at last, for the first time on our date, we are finally alo-
Uh, Jon? I think I accidentally set your upstairs on fire.

 

by Scyess
11-09-02
Hi there! Have you given any thought to where you will spend the afterlife?
Well, in general I'm spending it in Hell, although I do get topside now and again for drinks. Why do you ask?
Because I'd like to tell you how you can be saved through the power of Jesus Christ!
Just so you know, we have a special room reserved for you people so you can all try to convince each other for all eternity. ...while being eaten by flaming muskrats. ...from the inside.
What? No way... let me check my literature...

 

by Scyess
11-09-02
Okay... Tataki is chasing your brother down the block, Cowdjinn went to watch, Earl and Samantha are discussing theology at happy hour, at long last, finally, we are...
Steady, Jon... don't rush it... wait for it... a little more...
Good... all's quiet... almost there... wait... steady... okay... okay... NOW!
ALONE!
I see someone forgot he chained me to the closet.

 

by Scyess
11-14-02
Don't mind cowdjinn. He won't bother us.
What about Hal and Tataki? I only ask because they seem to be fighting their way this direction...
PUNCH _______________ KICK _______________ DUCK _______________ CHOP
KICK _______________ BLOCK _______________ GRAB _______________ SPIN _______________ BITCHSLAP _______________ ELBOW
Haha! It sounded like one of them actually got bitch-slapped!
No... no, that was me.

 

by Scyess
11-14-02
Is our date over?
I guess so. I'm humiliated and thoroughly bitch-slapped. I'd see you to the door if I could stand.
I guess this is when I'm supposed to tell you I had a lovely time.
You could, but such blatant farce on a polite social lie would only insult my intelligence and make me feel even worse.
I know!
Weren't you leaving?

 

by Scyess
11-14-02
Well, Jon, you've certainly provided me with the most... interesting lunch date I've ever had.
Uh, thanks, I think.
Oh, by the way, did I mention I'm wearing a black lace bra?
Black la- gguuUUHHH!!!
----------------------------------------*FOOM!*-------
Haha! That never gets old. See ya!
I'm glad I didn't spring for the $12/ft. carpet.

 

by Scyess
11-14-02
Dang, Jon. It looks like you're on fire. Woud you like some help?
That would be appreciated.
Well, then, let me explain how you can avoid eternal hell fire through the love of Jesus Christ...
...
Dang, Earl. It looks like you're on fire.
Shut up.

 

by Scyess
11-14-02
I'm going to turn over a new leaf. From here on out, I am going to be one smooth player.
Sure, you are.
No, really. I'm going to play it cool with the laides from now on. I'm going to be outgoing, but sophisticated. Attentive, but mysterious. Flattering but sincere.
OR you could be in the den with me playing in a Bubble Bobble tournament.
*sigh* I gotta be me.
Ha! I just busted about twelve red ones!

 

by Scyess
11-14-02
--*KNOCK KNOCK*--
Hit pause. I'll go see who's at the door.
Okay, but make it quick.
Greetings, human. I am here to see a Mr. "Cowdjinn." He is going to lease us this planet for our The Museum of Salted Potato Art.
Um, he's not here right now. But he left a message to tell the deal's off. Sorry you had to come all this way.
Um, I think I just saved the human race from extinction.
Yeah, yeah. Just get your controller; this game isn't going to play itself, you know.

 

by Scyess
11-18-02
I know you've recently discovered Japanese animation, but do you really want me to watch Sailor Moon with you?
It's great, Jon. Just give it a chance.
Oh, yes! Use your sailor powers! Ah! My clothes evaporated! You're so naughty, Sailor Uranus!
I've never seen Sailor Moon before, but I really didn't think every episode would end with live-action home-made porn starring you and Jessica Lange in sailor suits.
That's only one of the many secrets the TRUE fans know about.

 

by Scyess
11-20-02
Geez, Jim... everyone knows this joke.
Just answer, Jon. "What's long and hard and full of 'semen'?"
How about "a submarine?"
Wrong! It was that corn dog you just ate.
AAAAHHH!!! *SPIT!* *GAG!* *CHOKE!* *WRETCH!*
"Submarine?" I don't get it.

 

by Scyess
12-09-02
Sanna, you can't hang out with that Jon guy anymore. I forbid it.
Forbid, huh? Just because you're my brother doesn't mean you can dictate what I can do.
Oh, yes I can. You forget I know karate.
Oh, no you can't. You forget I read your diary in 11th grade when you wrote all those love poems after Mikka DeBeaux broke up with you.
Gah! You win.
You also forget I made photocopies. Also that the editor of the New York Times owes me a huge favor.

 

by Scyess
12-12-02
Wow! I'm glad you came, Tataki, but I'm surprised you accepted my invitation to a Pun Party. I thought you hated puns.
I do, but I was intrigued when you said they'd be giving out door prizes.
Attention, everyone! Tonight's door prize goes to... THE FRONT DOOR, for the highest throughput of the evening
Me? Gosh!
I'm going to get a beating for this, aren't I?
Later. Right now I just want to get out of here before some fool at the bar orders a kamikaze.

 

by Scyess
12-13-02
Have you ever had to crap really bad... I mean REALLY bad... and then when you got to the bathroom, you just couldn't?
Yeah, I hate that.
Well, don't you think it's a waste of energy to hold all that crap in when it won't come out anyway? What if you just relaxed and let it hold itself in?
Uuhhh...
Later...
Dang, Jon. Did you just fart?
Fart? No...

 

by Scyess
12-14-02
Dammit, Tataki, I'm sick of taking your shit! You will come back to my place and give me some nookie now!
Well, when you put it that way... I can't think of a reason why not.
Wow. Really?
Oh, wait. I just thought of one.
Don't deny it, Jim. You said that line was guaranteed!
It was... guaranteed to give me a chance to laugh at you. Haha! Hahaha!

 

by Scyess
12-14-02
I've got an extra ticket to that play tonight.
Really? It's a shame you wasted all that money.
...so anyway, I ended up with an extra ticket.
That's too bad. I sure hope you find someone dumb enough to go with you!
I don't know how you find the chutzpah to even ask anymore.
Actually, I find the consistency rather comforting.

 

by Scyess
12-17-02
Hi. I'd like to put some affection in my life. Since humans aren't interested, I'd like to get a cat.
Uh, sure. You can look around.
Hi there! You're cute! Would you like to come home with me?
Cute? I'll show you "cute," you bastard.
The Human Society propoganda machine never mentions this part of pet ownership.
Sorry, Jon, your insurance just doesn't cover being mauled by any mammals under 20 lbs.

Showing page 13.

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