All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
1-09-03
DING DONG!
Oh, who can that be?
I say, I say, I say. What's the fastest way to Stirling?
Wotcher. Sorry to bother you this evening, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about missing hack John Pienaar.
I'm also curious about that severed head you're using to blow yourself.
Uh oh.

 

by andydougan
1-09-03
Hold on a minute. I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before.
Well, I'm Prime Minister of Israel. I'm on TV a fair bit.
Oh, yeah. This Allah-praiser once told me you were worse than Saddam, Hitler and Avril Lavigne multiplied by each other.
Shucks.
He said you should be flayed alive, tied up in a bag of your own skin and thrown into a volcano.
Do you mind if I write that one down to try out later?

 

by andydougan
1-10-03
Here, how many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen Bug? Two on the seats and thirty in the ashtray!
H4W H4W!!!!!11
I=Oscar Wilde.
Go away.

 

by andydougan
1-11-03
Pete Townshend, guitar hero
Now to pay for access to this child porn site, "purely to see what was there" (ACTUAL QUOTE!).
I'm an anti-paedophile vigilante. (ACTUAL PARAPHRASE!) And there's no better way to combat paedophilia than to support it financially!
Not so much talkin' 'bout my generation as ogling another, eh?
Something tells me I'm about to find out more about anti-paedo vigilantes than I ever wanted to know...

 

by andydougan
1-15-03
Yet another celebrity has been arrested on account of he touches up wee boys. Allegedly.
Ha ha ha! Brilliance!
How can you laugh about such a horrible crime? Who is it this time?
Matthew Kelly.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by andydougan
1-18-03
Ariel Sharon, worst dictator since the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Don't you have elections coming up in Israel or summat?
Ugh. Don't remind me. Right when I'm up to my scalp in corruption scandals, too. We go to the polls on the 28th.
Isn't that the day after Blix and the boys report back on Saddam's world-destroying arsenal?
Bingo. The hope is that we'll go to war on the eve of the vote, and I'll be spared an electoral gubbin'.
What if Iraq anthrax-bombs the country?
Chance'd be a fine thing.

 

by andydougan
1-18-03
How could Saddam launch an anthrax attack on Israel? Even in the last Gulf War his Scuds barely scratched you.
Sadly, you're probably right. But there's still hope. The inspectors found a bunch of weapons in Iraq the other day.
They found eleven empty chemical warheads. What use could they be?
They could hit someone on the head. That'd cause some nasty concussion.
But he'd still need a way to deploy them.
Four words: elastic band, y-shaped stick.

 

by andydougan
1-18-03
So your hypothesis is that Saddam will use a toy catapult to fire a lump of metal which will then fall harmlessly to his feet?
We can't rule out that he has that capability.
You know, if Iraq ever actually does launch a nuclear attack, these strips are going to look mighty stupid.
Yeah, well, every silver lining has a cloud...

 

by andydougan
1-19-03
Paper.
Scissors.
Scissors.
Stone.
Anti-ballistic missile strategic defense initiative!
Kitchen knife.

 

by andydougan
1-19-03
"Newsnight Scotland", extremely dull current affairs show, with Phil Gallie MSP
So, Phil, it was good of you Tories to team up with your natural allies, the government, to defeat the anti-war motion.
Well, I'm just disappointed that the SNP and Liberal Democrats chose not to support our troops.
How is it supporting our troops to vote for them to go and get killed?
You can't ask me that! I'll have you know I'm a member of the Scottish Conservatives and a freemason! You'll show me the respect I'm due!
Didn't your party give Saddam the weapons he's going to use to kill our troops?
Is that the level this debate has stooped to?

 

by andydougan
1-19-03
Phil Gallie, Conservative MSP and Iain Duncan Smith, Conservative leader
Hey, Phil! Long time no see! How are things in...er...
...you know...that thing in the north? With the poor people who stab each other and the men who wear skirts? With the bagpipes and haggis? The one I always say I'm from?
I have no idea where you mean.
Hey, your English is awfully good for a foreigner.

 

by andydougan
1-19-03
Phil Gallie MSP and Iain Duncan Smith MP
So we just voted on whether we should go to war without another UN resolution. I put in an amendment saying we should put even more toxic waste in the Iraqi water supply than last time.
I'm hip for that, daddio.
What?
We Conservatives are seen as out of touch with the lumpenproles. The spin doctors think I should try to cultivate a "street" image. You dig?
Great! I wonder why William Hague didn't try that last time.
Yeah, it was very nice of Michael Portillo to give me the tip. He's one real gone cat.

 

by andydougan
1-24-03
Ariel Sharon, Israeli PM
Anyway, I don't see why you're so worried about the election. You're ahead in the polls.
Yeah, but there are malcontents in my own party, too. That fucking kike Netanyahu's organising a whispering campaign against me.
Little bastard better watch his step. They don't just call me the Butcher of Beirut for laughs, you know.
That reminds me. Mind if I come in and check if you've got the mutilated remains of houseguests stashed in the fridge?
Be my guest.

 

by andydougan
1-24-03
Investigating the suspect's house
Nice living room.
'Hanksh.
What's on that tape marked "Runaway Crack Whores Being Tortured to Death"?
Er...um...my "Supermarket Sweep" collection.
Hey, I love that show! Mind if we put it on?
Don't you have work to be getting on with?

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
I suppose you're right. I probably shouldn't watch hair-tearingly irksome daytime gameshows while I'm on a case.
Phew.
Well, everything looks in order to me. And I know you're a law-abiding sort (except that time you were convicted of war crimes in the 80s)!
Juvenile hijinks, I assure you.
You were about sixty.
I was young at heart.

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Well, I'll be off, then. But I still think you can't justify invading Iraq. After all, there's no link between the Iraqi regime and al-Qaeda.
Bzzt! Wrong!
Iraq bought weapons off the US. The US trained the Mujahedin who formed al-Qaeda. So Saddam indirectly financed al-Qaeda.
Shit! You're right! Saddam imperils us all!
His "ethical foreign policy" is a joke!

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit...and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird.
Er. John.
Don't look at me. It came out of your vagina.

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Anyway, let's blow this wankatorium.
How? We're stuck inside a twelve-foot hole.
Should I go for the cheap shot...?

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Nae probs. I have Powers Not Of This Earth. I'll teleport us out.
Are you high?

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Hocus pocus.
Great. My newborn son is nucking

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
futs.
Woah. d00d.

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Holy Jesus.

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Close.

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
Well, that's rid of that gullible excuse for a private eye. Now, what was I doing again...?
Ah, yes. I was going to investigate that ruckus in that place where I keep my victims.
What, Jenin?
Ha ha, good one.

 

by andydougan
1-25-03
The anti-Christ
Who in the holy name of fuck are you?
Your worst enemy!
I sincerely doubt that. You look about a month old. Even Yasser Arafat is more formidable than you.
But I wash more than Yasser Arafat.
Don't narrow it down too much.

 

by andydougan
1-27-03
Tony Blair on ejecting asylum seekers
The problem with removing people is that, under the obligations we have, you can't remove someone to a country where they might be subject to torture. (ACTUAL QUOTE!)
Gee, that is a problem.
(Not that those "obligations" mean much. The other month a Zimbabwean dissident killed herself because the Home Office refused her asylum.)
But at least you're getting all uptight about some cricket team going to Zimbabwe. That makes up for it.
Abu Hamza, madman
If the measures don't work, we will have to consider further measures, including fundamentally looking at the obligations we have under the Convention on Human Rights. (ACTUAL QUOTE)
Meanwhile, when I'm not openly inciting Muslims to murder, I'm drawing broo and incapacity benefit. Just as well I'm a British citizen! OSAMA IS KING!

 

by andydougan
1-30-03
Iain Duncan Smith vs Tony Blair
The Conservatives would introduce concentration camps where asylum seekers can be kept until it's ascertained whether they're terrorists. Beat that!
Ha ha! WhatthefuckEVRRR. Just last year, the Tories claimed that concentration camps were in breach of "human rights"!
Bah. We were just joking. What would the government do about the billions of immigrant leeches sucking the blood from our wonderful country?
What more do you want? We've introduced compulsory ID cards for asylum seekers and imprisoned dozens without trial. (ACTUAL BLAIR BOAST!)
Abu Hamza, Islamic terrorist and UK citizen
Hate to interrupt, lads, but d'you mind if I deposit a large quantity of anthrax in here?
Do what you like. Now, where were we? Economic migrants... parasites...I'm not a racist but... fucking nogs...vote Griffin...

 

by andydougan
1-31-03
Stop The War protest
NOT IN OUR NAME! NOT IN OUR NAME! NOT IN OUR NAME! NOT IN OUR NAME! NOT IN OUR NAME! NOT IN OUR NAME!
Okay. I'll do it in the name of plutocratic neo-colonialism, then.
Yay!
I'm so glad I'm not dying in their name!

 

by andydougan
1-31-03
Look at this paper on teen pregnancies. "Throughout time the percentage of teenagers being sexually active and having babies at a young age has fluctuated."
Throughout time!
How can things fluctuate throughout time? I thought they had to do it in stasis.
Or at least since 1 planck time, which is 10^-43 seconds after the Big Bang.
How do people get pregnant, anyway?

 

by andydougan
1-31-03
"There are many reasons to why females have babies at such young ages." Are you wondering to why?
She can tell you to why.
"Most teens come from disadvantaged backgrounds and are not aware of the problems that surround teenage mothers." WOW!
It's like she can see inside my mind.

 

by andydougan
1-31-03
"Some teenagers drop out of high school after their first birth."
WOW!!!
I waited until my second birth.
You get some sissy fags.

 

by andydougan
1-31-03
MOHHOMLO HOMLOHOMLO ROFLMAOMOHOMFG!
"The question becomes to we become are all involved best benefitted by focusing more on prevention than post remedial action". Verbatim.
Are you about done checking over your daughter's homework?
Yeah, all right. Get the biscuits out.

 

by andydougan
2-07-03
John Swinney MSP, SNP leader
The SNP will only support an invasion of Iraq if the UN Security Council approves a new resolution!
So what you're saying is, the rightness of this war hinges on France, Russia and China being bribed into supporting it?
In one.
Your moral philosophy goes over my head.
Er...er...Jack McConnell is a crook.
Yes, but he has my vote.

 

by andydougan
2-08-03
Tony Blair, the new Churchill
Funny news item of the week, then. It turns out the latest, Powell-praised UK dossier on Saddam's WMDs was largely plagiarised from some guy's postgraduate essay, typos and all.
I wouldn't quite say that. We did change some of the wording to make Iraq sound scarier. For example, Iraq doesn't "monitor", it "spies".
Good to see you're sticking to cold objectivity. But why did you have to steal from this poor student's thesis? What about the intelligence that you claimed "crosses your desk every day"?
Look, we've got no one in Iraq. M16 can barely speak English, let alone Arabic. We haven't got the faintest fuck what's going on. What do you want us to do?
It'd be nice if you could at least be bothered to make up your own misinformation.

 

by andydougan
2-08-03
Who has more international influence: Tony Blair or my semi-comatose, quadriplegic mother-in-law?
Can the mother-in-law speak?
No.
That makes it a little harder to say.
She can drool a bit.

 

by andydougan
2-08-03
The Saudi border
What's your business in Saudi Arabia?
I'm Hajjing, if you can use "Hajj" as a verb.
I don't think you can.
In that case, I'm going to Mecca.
What for?
Hajjing.

 

by andydougan
2-08-03
The Hajj
Sorry, we can't let you into the country. You're an Allah-praiser, and most Allah-praisers are terrorists.
But if I don't do the pilgrimage, I'll go to Hell!
Then next time choose a religion with less stupid rules.
But aren't you a Muslim too?
No, I'm a Scientologist.
Ha ha! You gullible idiot!

 

by andydougan
2-09-03
At the university secretary's office
Sorry about this. The other day I paid in a cheque for the Philosophy Dept field trip, but I've only just realised that it'll probably bounce.
Will I be fined for this?
The standard penalty is to cut a hole in your scrotum, pour in ravenous ants, and sew it up again.
What if you're a woman?
You philosophers.

 

by andydougan
2-13-03
What are you doing for Valentine's day?
I'm going to get a manicure, give myself a dead arm and then pretend my hand belongs to someone else. You?
I'll be nailing Nicole Kidman's tearhole without lubrication.
That reminds me, I'd better stock up on aromatic oils.

 

by andydougan
2-14-03
It's my nephew's bris tomorrow.
I remember my bris very well.
There was a bit of an embarrassing mix-up. The rabbi was on crack, and instead of cutting my foreskin off, he cut the rest of me off.
I didn't know you were Jewish.
This happened yesterday in the street.

 

by andydougan
2-14-03
I was just teasing my friend about his missing foreskin. Think he might be SENSITIVE about that? Haw.
It depends on the CIRCUMstances.
Did he BRIStle at your comment?
I hope he wasn't too CUT UP about it.
Shut up.

 

by andydougan
2-16-03
In real life Tony Blair changes his schedule to avoid meeting with protesters, but just pretend.
NOT IN MY NAME! NO BLOOD FOR OIL! GIVE PEACE A CHANCE! UP THE INTIFADA etc.
But if not war, what should we do about Iraq?
What's to be done? I mean, you blatantly made up all that stuff about Saddam being a threat to us.
True, but are you saying we should just leave Iraqis to be tortured by a regime under which you, presumably, wouldn't like to live?
But it's a war for oil.
Do you not understand questions?

 

by andydougan
2-16-03
America created Saddam. Also, this war is being fought for oil. So any further questions are irrelevant.
I don't follow that logic.
If you do something for a bad reason, it's a bad thing to do. Don't you know your Kant, man?
Are you saying the Iraqi people wouldn't want to be liberated as a side effect of an imperialist action?
All I know is that Kant is a lot smarter than you.
I think we've reached a deontological impasse here.

 

by andydougan
2-16-03
If you go to war with Iraq, it'll be the most immoral thing anyone's ever done.
Ha ha! What planet are you living on?
I'll cancel my Labour Party membership! And I'll vote Liberal Democrat! That's how strongly I feel!
Where the fuck were you people when I was an accessory to genocide in East Timor?
What? Is that in Wales?
You sound like George.

 

by andydougan
2-16-03
So what you're basically saying is, the war is founded on motives of self-interest, but the nonetheless the result will be a democratic Iraq.
Precisely. Except the motives are pure as well.
But today it was revealed that the CIA has plans for a high-ranking US military officer to take over the Ba'athists as Iraq's new despot.
Oh. You weren't supposed to know that.
Sorry.
But hypothetically...

 

by andydougan
2-19-03
Sometimes I look at the dried up pieces of semen on my old BBC Micro keyboard, and think: if those dried up pieces of semen had fertilised an ovum, they'd now be attending school.
What are you talking about? If even one of those dried up pieces of semen had fertilised anything your life would be a living hell right now.
Yeah, but their lives would be better.
Except for the fact that I'd lock them in the cellar and beat them with a cat-o'-nine-tails.
I'm sorry, but any weapon whose proper spelling includes an o+apostrophe combination just doesn't sound that painful.

 

by andydougan
2-24-03
BBC Snooze
Rifts in the Conservative Party! And we all thought they were indivisible! Andrew Marr is on the scene! Andrew!
Thanks, Huw. I'm here at Conservative Central Office with the Tory leader. Mr IDS, why would anyone vote for you?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's the funniest question I've ever heard!
Are you laughing to cover up for an inability to answer difficult questions?
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Stop! You're killing me!

 

by andydougan
2-24-03
Andrew Marr reporting for BBC News
Rumour has it the Tory Right is on the ascendant with raging socialists like Theresa May and Oliver Letwin on the way out. Is this true?
Bwa ha ha ha ha! You should be doing stand-up! Seriously! You've missed your calling!
What do you mean?
Haaaa ha ha ha ha ha! "What do you mean?" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What do you...what do y...ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh dear...oh dear...oh dearie me...hee hee hee...
Actually, that's not very funny at all.

 

by andydougan
2-24-03
Andrew Marr, BBC political editor
Last week, the Conservative leadership said Portillo is "insane", "a cancer" and deserving of "a good beating". Do you endorse these sentiments?
Of course not. In my eyes he'll always just be a spic fudgepacker.
That sounds a tad bigoted.
Why would anyone care what you think? Aren't you just a propaganda minister for Millbank?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by andydougan
2-24-03
Jack McConnell MSP and Tom McCabe MSP, Scottish Labour dons
Bad news, Jack. The polls show the SNP a point ahead of Labour, and we're only two months from the election.
No worries. The Nats always do better in polls than they do in the election. By May the electorate will have forgotten how to spell "SNP".
If they already know.
Heh!
How do you, by the way?

Showing page 13.

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