All comics by fuzzyman

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by fuzzyman
5-29-03
So, the animals on this farm can talk!
You act as if that's unusual.
It's unusual where I come from. Anyway, where can I find Mr. MacDonald?
He's in the barn milking his wife.
Please tell me that's just some awful sexual euphemism.
I would, but it would be udderly ridiculous.

 

by fuzzyman
7-16-03
WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE IS TOBOR?
You died, Tobor. Welcome to the Afterlife.
TOBOR IS DEAD? WOW!
Right. Now extend your cornholer so I can cut it off.
WHAT? NO CORNHOLING IN HEAVEN?
Who said this was Heaven?

 

by fuzzyman
7-20-03
I love my Trek Porn.
Computer, I'd like an Earl Grey tea enema, hot!
Counsellor Troi is naked.
Giordi, can you help me? The dilithium crystals in my vibrator are completely fused!
She has Stiffy Sense.
Is that a phaser in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

 

by fuzzyman
7-30-03
Dammit, will you clean up this puddle of cat puke on the floor?
DON'T TOUCH THAT! It's Mr. Wuggum's masterpiece!
Masterpiece?
Mr. Wuggums is a Regurgitative Artist. That's his portrait of George W. Bush.
It looks like puddle of cat puke.
Yes, but it's a very Republican puddle of cat puke!

 

by fuzzyman
8-11-03
Yo, little bear dude! Why so stressed?
I seek righteous vengeance against the man who murdered my father!
Your best friend was murdered? How? By who?
MyDad was sleeping in the road when hippie freak in a VW drivign a VW bus ran over him!
That was a bear? No wonder that speed bump went "squish."
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

 

by fuzzyman
8-11-03
Look, little dude, I'm saorry I killed your Pop. It was an accident. Like, he shouldn't have been sleeping in the road.
WRONG! Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. It's so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish.
Could you stop quoting "The Princess Bride" for a minute?
Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out "Dear God, what is that thing" will echo in your perfect ears.
Fine, if that's how you want it. "You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengance. It's going to get you into trouble some day."
Welcome to the Pit of Despair!

 

by fuzzyman
8-11-03
Okay, let's do this right. Let me get my sword out of my van.
So you mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Hey, why are you revving your engine like--OH MY GOD! NOOOO---!!!
Too easy.

 

by fuzzyman
8-20-03
It's the Australian Idol final round! Who will be the winner? MC Dexx, or JukeBot 2000? Okay, boys... sing!
*ahem*
*click*
Hurry, don't be late, I can hardly wait, I said to myself when we're old. We'll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park and reminiscing....
I'm all out of love! I'm so lost without you! I know you were right believing for so long! I'm all out of love! What am I without you? I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong!
What's this? It appears that JukeBot has self-destructed from singing an Air Supply song! A bold and risky move that didn't pay off. Dexx is our winner!
Silly robot, you cannot defeat Little River Band.

 

by fuzzyman
9-04-03
He moved his hands roughly under my dress, cupping my breasts in his meaty hands...
...as I whispered huskily, "Be gentle! It's my first time!"
He nibbled me softly, kissing his way down to my special place...
...while ever so slowly, I teased his nether regions.
Later, after he had gone, we found that he had left five dollars on the nightstand...
...and that's how we spent our summer vacation!

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-03
So, we are to battle. This will be interesting!
Look... Jamalia, baby... If you surrender now I'll try to make it as painless as possible.
You act as if I don't have a chance.
Please. I have big horns and hard hooves. I could gore or trample you in the blink of an eye.
You surely could... if you could bring yourself to stop staring at my heaving breasts.
Hey, for someone with only two udders, you've got quite a set.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-03
Enough of this banter. I shall destroy you!
Wait a second. I can make this simple. Kaddar created your character, right?
Exactly.
And I'm a Fuzzyman character. And who's creating this comic strip?
Fuzzy-- HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Go cry in Kaufman's beer.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-03
Take it away, Fuzzyman!
No, you can't do this! It's not fair!
Hee! Hee! Hee!
It's not faaiiirr---*
Thanks, Fuzzyman! How can I ever repay you?
Just continue to use the power of your breasts for the forces of Good.

 

by fuzzyman
10-19-03
One day, in Spankling's bedroom...
Halt, evildoer!
Who in the hell are you? How did you get into my bedroom?
I'm Captain Moral Authority! I appear wherever evildoers perpetrate their nefarious acts!
But I'm not an evildoer, and I've never done anything remotely nefarious!
Fox News told me otherwise, and they would never lie! They're fair and balanced!
They distort, you misguide.

 

by fuzzyman
10-19-03
So, tell me... What nefarious deed was I about to do?
You were going to pleasure yourself in this very bed!
What's so evil about that?
You were going to fantasize about a threesome with Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity!
So? Ann Coulter does that for real!
Yes, but Ann uses a strap-on, so it doesn't count as real sex.

 

by fuzzyman
10-19-03
Look, Captain Moral Authority, you are in no position to tell me what to do!
Oh really! So what position would I have to be in?
Standing over my quivering, naked rump with a paddle in your hand.
Sounds good to me! So how did you figure out my secret?
Your mouth said "No," but the bulge in your tights said "Yes!"
Curse you, Spandex!

 

by fuzzyman
10-20-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
NO! NO! NO! You're supposed to run away screaming so I can catch you and show you the special love a man and a boy can share!
This "Goldilad and the Three Bears" game is stupid, Uncle Jack!

 

by fuzzyman
12-29-03
This Week on "Law and Order: Criminal Celebrity Squad," Detective Penguin goes undercover as an erotic professional...
For the "Whip the Bobby" roleplay it will be $50 a lash, payable in advance.
Tee hee!
Wait a second... You look familiar. That white face... the wide smile... the missing nose...
Michael Jackson, you are under arrest!

 

by fuzzyman
2-19-04
GABE... TOBOR HAS DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!
That's a little ambitious, but I'm glad to see that you've taken an interest in the political process. What got you so involved?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE.
Condoleezza Rice?
YES. IN A TOBOR ADMINISTRATION SHE WILL BE TOBOR'S UNDERSECRETARY OF LOVE!
Okay, but I have dibs on Ashcroft as Cornholee General.

 

by fuzzyman
2-20-04
You say that you want Condoleezza Rice as your Undersecretary of Love. But Why?
SHE COMES WITH IMPECCABLE REFERENCES.
Really?
CHECK THIS OUT. TOBOR COPIED IT DOWN FROM THE STALL IN THE MEN'S ROOM AT THE I-95 REST AREA.
"If you like it wet and sleazy, you can't do better than Condoleezy. Call (555) NSA-SLUT."
*SWOON*

 

by fuzzyman
2-23-04
So, Mr. Tobor, why do you want to be President of the United States?
TOBOR WANTS TO REFORM EDUCATION.
I understand that you are proposing an alternative to "No Child Left Behind?"
YES! TOBOR HAS A TECHNIQUE CALLED "NO BEHIND LEFT UNCORNHOLED."
Sounds fascinating! Could you give us a demonstration?

 

by fuzzyman
2-24-04
Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come. And I believe it could be, something good has begun...
Oh I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one. And I believe it could be, some day it's going to come...
Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a Peace Train...
I'd always wondered what happened to Cat Stevens...

 

by fuzzyman
2-27-04
Mr, Tobor, have you chosen a running mate?
YES, INDEED. TOBOR HAS MADE A VERY GOOD CHOICE!
And who would that be?
TOBOR'S BEST FRIEND, GABE BILLINGS.
Never heard of him. Is this Billings fellow qualified to be your running mate?
VERY QUALIFIED! WHENEVER WE ARE TOGETHER, TOBOR TRIES TO MATE, BUT GABE KEEPS RUNNING.

 

by fuzzyman
2-27-04
Mr. Tobor, can you tell us more about your exciting NO BEHIND LEFT UNCORNHOLED plan?
YES. IF TOBOR IS ELECTED, TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE EACH AND EVERY AMERICAN DURING HIS FIRST TERM.
There are hundreds of millions of Americans! That doesn't leave you a lot of time.
EACH CORNHOLING WILL LAST 22.5 SECONDS.
And why would this be better than re-electing Bush?
WOULD YOU RATHER BE FUCKED FOR FOUR YEARS OR 22.5 SECONDS?

 

by fuzzyman
2-27-04
Bobby, you completed your assignment with great sales instinct and creativity, completely selling out your inventory of cashews. What can I say? I'm impressed.
Fluffy, you ate all your nuts and pooped on my chair...
...but you're also really, really cute. Bobby, YOU'RE FIRED!
Awww, nuts!
Thank you, Mr. Trump!

 

by fuzzyman
2-29-04
Welcome to the first in a series of Presidential candidate debates. Participating tonight are Tobor, of the National Manrape Party...
...and Hung Li LaRue, of the Asian Girls United Party.
The candidates will now give brief opening statements.
VOTE FOR TOBOR AND THE CORNHOLING WILL BE SWIFT AND MOSTLY PAINLESS!
Vote for me and I will give you five dollar.

 

by fuzzyman
3-06-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way.
FOOLED YOU! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!

 

by fuzzyman
3-07-04
I don't know much about things political!
But when I see Bill Clinton it's STATUS CLITICAL!
I'm not deep enough to get all analytical!
All I know is "Me so horny" so STATUS CLITICAL!
If I gave you five dollars would that be hypocritical?
I don't care! Do me now! It's STATUS CLITICAL!

 

by fuzzyman
3-07-04
Why is the lamp hovering?
The lamp's not hovering. You're having another psychotic episode.
Really!
Yes. So tell me the last thing you remember.
I was looking for a new tea set in a china shop...

 

by fuzzyman
3-30-04
Well, Phil! That is some fine homo sapien!
Thanks! I'm entering Fido in tonights Animal Show.
It is true what they said concerning pets that look like owners!
Whatever do they mean?
At that Animal Show...
Come, Fido!
*pant *pant*

 

by fuzzyman
4-27-04
A is for Arthur, all filled up with lead. B is for Billy, he’s lacking his head.
C is for Charles, cut off at the knees. D is for Douglas, he looks like Swiss cheese. E is for Edgar, I can see his intestine. F is for Francis, where the lice are all nestin’.
G is for Gary, his head in a bowl. H is for Henry, we’ll miss his tight hole. I is for Ian, his face dislocated. J is for Jacob, his lifespan overrated.
K is for Karl, his penis was maimed. L is for Lisa, that’s Karl’s new name.
M is for Mike, his corpse eaten by ants. N is for Nick, damn he just shit his pants. O is for Olaf, bleeding all over me. P is for Paul, to the loo he must flee.
Q is for Quincy, his bulk is quite hefty. R is for Righty, though now he’s a lefty. S is for Steven, his brains on my thigh. T is for Tom, now he has a third eye.
U is for Urko, he has only one ball. V is for Vic, who needs arms, after all?
W is for Wyatt, patched up with duct tape. X is Xavier, now flat like a crepe. Y us for Yorick, his gangrene does smell. Z is for Zeke, I don’t ask, he don’t tell.
I'll give you five dolla' if you never make me sing that song again.

 

by fuzzyman
7-03-04
Fistor, I've really enjoyed my abduction, but next time go easy on the anal probe.
Pitiful human! That wasn't an anal probe.
No, what was it?
That was my hand!
WHAT?!!?
Hey, they don't call me Fistor for nothing.

 

by fuzzyman
7-03-04
Is that what you aliens do? Abduct humans so you can violate them sexually?
Our purpose is noble. It's for the preservation of our race!
How so?
Our hands are also our sexual organs. In fact, during our encounter I impregnated you.
WHAT?!!?
Hey, they don't call me Fistor the Inseminator for nothing.

 

by fuzzyman
7-03-04
So when will I be giving birth to this alien love child?
Our gestation period is remarkably fast. In fact, you should be giving birth right about...
YEEAAAARGHHHH!!!!!
...NOW. Did I mention that the birthing process is fatal to humans?
DADDY!!
Hey, they don't call me Fistor the Populator for nothing.

 

by fuzzyman
7-28-04
Mah fellow 'publicans... Ah am pleased t' accept yer nomination for President. Ah have an' announcement t' make.
Ah have dropped Dick Cheney from th' ticket in favor of someone more appealing.
Hey folks! I'm Abner the Aborted Fetus. Pleased to meet you!
The better you know him th' less gross he seems.
George, get me beer. I'm bleedin' over here!

 

by fuzzyman
8-05-04
Fistor, I've really enjoyed my abduction, but next time go easy on the anal probe.
Pitiful human! That wasn't an anal probe. That was--
YOUR HAND!
Yes, how did you know? You were completely sedated!
I think we're in a re-make.
No, no... more like a "Re-imagining."

 

by fuzzyman
8-05-04
What's the difference between a re-make and a re-imagining?
In a re-make, they tell pretty much the same story in a more contemporary setting or with modern production values, language and special effects.
And a re-imagining?
It might have some of the same characters and themes, but the plot is totally whacked.
So how do you know we're in a re-imagnining and not a re-make?
Well, for one thing, you're still alive.

 

by fuzzyman
8-05-04
So in the original version of this story my character dies?
Yes. You die giving birth after I inseminate you.
And in this re-imagning?
I think my alien semen transforms you into a monosyllabic alien-human hybrid. Then you kill me with your alien powers.
Later...
YOU. GO. SPLAT.
AIEEEEE!!!!!

 

by fuzzyman
1-24-05
Father MacOban, I need your help. I'm adicted to prescription painkillers.
Tell me about it.
Well, I take maximum doses Oxycontin, Soma, and Percicet together. I call it "The Holy Trinity."
I understand.
You do?
Fuck yeah. That's the same combo I use to knock out the altar boys.

 

by fuzzyman
1-24-05
So, Mr. Tobor! You lost the election. What will you do now?
RRAAARRR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Ha! Ha! No, seriously, what are your plans?
*wink*
AIIIIIEEEE!!! THE PAIN!!! THE PAIN!!! AUUUUUGHHHH!!!
ASK A STUPID QUESTION...

 

by fuzzyman
1-25-05
Mah fellow 'mericans, freedom is on th' march! We will send our troops around th' world t' topple evil dictators in countries with oil.
Good, good!
I will appoint Supreme Court justices just to th' right of Sean Hannity, but as a comprimise they will be just to th' left of Hitler.
Nicely done.
Y' know, Dick, this is a little mean, but don't Rhenquist sound just like Darth Vader?
START OVER!

 

by fuzzyman
1-26-05
Praise Allah! He has punished the infidel Americans by covering their northeastern region in three feet of snow!
Praise Jesus! He has punished the northestern liberals for their heathen ways by covering them in three feet of snow!
Well, thank Heaven we agree on something. Maybe we could--
Fuck you, towelhead.

 

by fuzzyman
1-26-05
I don't understand why you Christians have such a problem with Gay marriage. Why is it any of your business?
It's a slippery slope that will lead to the downfall of our society! Imagine if we continued down this path...
The White House, 2051 A.D.
As the first Furry President, I am pleased to sign the Defense of Interspecies Marriage Act. Isn't that right, First Husband Bongo?
Eep!
See what I mean?
Wow, a future furry President would be awesome, but it would be even more awesome if I could watch the monkey banging her.

 

by fuzzyman
1-26-05
I don't understand why you Christians have such a problem with Gay marriage. Why is it any of your business?
It's a slippery slope that will lead to the downfall of our society! Imagine if we continued down this path...
The White House, 2093 A.D.
PRESIDENT TOBOR IS PLEASED TO SIGN THE DEFENSE OF AC/DC MARRIAGE ACT. ISN'T THAT RIGHT FIRST HUSBAND MAGNAVOX?
Don't patronize me! I know you've been seeing a flat-panel Panasonic on the side! I hate you!
See what I mean?
Man, I don't even know how to respond to that.

 

by fuzzyman
1-26-05
Do you know the muffin man?
I am the muffin man! Would you like a muffin?
No thank you, I much prefer bagels!
Step into my walk-in oven, I have some fresh bagels in there!
Thirty minutes later...
Don't fuck around with the muffin man.

 

by fuzzyman
1-27-05
A former co-worker of mine, a successful IT manager, was arrested a couple of years ago for hiding cameras in the ladies dressing rooms in the mall.
Oh my! What happend to him?
I think he served eight months and he lost his job.
I wonder what kind of job he could get after being convicted of a crime like that?
Somewhere in Connecticut...
Welcome to Big Bob's Used Cars! Take a look at this luxurious '93 Chevy Cavalier! Sure, it's got 130,000 miles, but that just means it's extra reliable!

 

by fuzzyman
1-28-05
I don't understand why you Christians have such a problem with Gay marriage. Why is it any of your business?
It's a slippery slope that will lead to the downfall of our society! Imagine if we continued down this path...
The White House, 2042 A.D.
As the first transgendered President, I am pleased to sign the Defense of Peoples of Indeterminate Gender Marriage Act. Isn't that right, First Partner Fred?
Darling, I have a confession. I lied to you about the operation. I really AM a man!
See what I mean?
Not really. Can I get that on video?

 

by fuzzyman
1-30-05
I've got something really cool to show you for Show-and-Tell today. As you know, my family worships our Dark Lord, Satan.
It's been hard to attract the average American teenager to our cause, so we've come up with an innovative marketing plan.
This is my Dad, creator of our soft drink, Satan-Up.
Taste the Evil!

 

by fuzzyman
1-30-05
Dad, why don't you tell the calss about Satan-Up soda?
Glad to! We make Satan-Up from only the most evil ingredients!
Such as...?
Essence of Emeril, an extract of Ken Lay's prostate, the finest Chernobyl spring water, and crushed puppies.
Crushed puppies are evil?
No, but it gives me an excuse to crush a few. Woof!

 

by fuzzyman
2-04-05
Chemistry
Oops!
Firefighting
Oops!
Phlebotomy
Oops!

 

by fuzzyman
2-04-05
Well, loyal minion, how are sales of Satan-Up?
Great! Sales are up in all the teen markets, but we're facing increased competition.
What???!! Who dares defy me?
You'll know soon enough when you see his Superbowl commercial!
Drink Cthulhu Cola!
It's the Evil Thing!

Showing page 13.

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