All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
2-25-03
Geoff Hoon, Defence Secretary, visiting the troops in Kuwait
Hello, all. Just thought I'd pay you a visit, as I've nothing else to do.
Who are you?
I bet you're just dying to get into combat. You show them Iraqians what the British can do when roused to anger!
"Iraqis".
Where?!

 

by andydougan
2-28-03
One thing you must never, ever do is brush your teeth and then drink Diet Irn-Bru.
I thought I said not to.
Shut up and kill me.

 

by andydougan
3-03-03
Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times", reviews "Daredevil".
This is by far the worst film of the millennium. Do not under any circumstances go and see it.
Critics are raving about "Daredevil"! "A white-knuckle ride" - Rogert Ebert; "Genius" - Richard Roeper; "Film of the millennium...see it" - Andy Dougan.
I hate my job.

 

by andydougan
3-03-03
Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times", reviews "The Ring".
Getting my eyes peeled with a dull AIDS-infected syringe would be more fun than watching this sack of shit.
Later
Here's what critics say about "The Ring": "Skin-crawling" - Gene Siskel; "Terrifying" - Jonathan Ross; "Fun" - Andy Dougan.
I hate my job.

 

by andydougan
3-03-03
Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times", reviews "Exit Wounds".
I pray nightly that I'll never again glimpse a single frame of this travesty. The existence of a just God will be disproven if Steven Seagal fails to be eaten by locusts.
See "Exit Wounds"! Here's what the critics say: "Marvellous" - Liza Schwartzbaum; "A masterpiece" - Jay Sherman; "The best movie ever made" - Andy Dougan.
That's from my review of "Casablanca".

 

by andydougan
3-04-03
This happened in class today
Hey, there. Guess what? I dreamt about you last night.
This calls for a reply pointing out the obvious sexual connotations of that in a jocular, ironic manner, but without sounding egotistical. Better think fast.
Was I all oiled up?
You'd pissed yourself and were crying while everyone laughed at you.

 

by andydougan
3-04-03
Earlier today someone said he had a dream about me. Naturally, I asked him if I was oiled up in it.
I don't think I would've wanted the answer to that.
Even if it was "no"?
Unless I could be sure it was "no," I wouldn't've wanted to know.
Well, I got lucky. It was "no".
So, in summary, some guy told you that you were the man of his dreams - and you got lucky?

 

by andydougan
3-04-03
What'll become of the Kurds under a post-Ba'athist regime?
o/` That's nobody's business but the Turks'! o/`
o/` Even old Iran was once democratic. Why they changed it I can't say! o/`
o/` Big Oil just liked it better that way! o/`

 

by andydougan
3-04-03
The Prime Minister and a Labour voter in 1997
I'm going to assist the dictator of Indonesia in committing the worst proportionate genocide since the Holocaust.
Whatever.
Same again in 2002
We're going to war again, but this time against a genocidal tyrant.
You monster! Have you no concern for innocent life?!?!
I'm confused.
Join the club.

 

by andydougan
3-07-03
Hello. I'm Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.
That explains why you just killed my whole family.
This is one of those strips that you'll look at the next day and think "What was I thinking", is it not?
I'm afraid so.

 

by andydougan
3-07-03
I'm going out drinking with a bunch of underage groupies. Then we'll repair to my place and have violent sex. It will probably not involve contraception.
You're knowingly going to ingest poison? Bit silly, would'ncha say?
Whatever.
Meanwhile, at the UN...
The weapons inspections are now going pretty well. Iraq is cooperating with us.
Only "pretty"? Bombs awa!

 

by andydougan
3-07-03
I'm Christian O'Connell. You may remember me from shows like Live with Christian O'Connell and nothing else.
I'm going to put you in a room where the walls, floor and ceiling are all made of sandpaper belts going at several thousand RPM.
Could you not?
Sorry.

 

by andydougan
3-09-03
Here, mate, I'm no beggin', right, but I've just been jumped and I need 50p for the bus. Could you gie us a loanae it? I'll gie you my address and you can come and get it back...
No, sorry, I don't have any m...holy guacamole! Can it be?!
It is! 18th century philosopher David Hume! The biggest of the Big Three empiricists of classical modernity! Here you are! 50p!
Aw, thanks, pal. Actually, could you gie me a pound? Just so I can get home, like.
Man, I loved the way you kicked Descartes's sorry cognitivist ass. Hey, could you sign this copy of A Treatise of Human Nature? It's for my wee brother.
A pound, please.

 

by andydougan
3-15-03
It's the Uncle Dick and Dubya show!
What would Jacques Chirac say if Saddam went on holiday to Paris?
I don't know. What?
Nothing, because he'd be too busy surrendering!
Ha ha ha! What would George Washington say if the French had decided not to support the colonials in the War of Independence?
I don't know. What?
Nothing, because he'd be fucking dead!

 

by andydougan
3-15-03
What's all this "Prime Minister Blair" crap?! "Prime Minister" isn't a title! I just heard Jack Straw talk about "President Bush and Prime Minister Blair"!
Just because W calls him that we've got to start doing it too? Just because Blair wishes he was a White House intern in the Clinton administration?!
And as for this talk of exhuming American soldiers buried at Normandy!!! I mean I try to be dispassionate but WHAT THE JESUS AARGH WHY
Do I know you?

 

by andydougan
3-15-03
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Shadowy Tory defence spokesman Bernard Jenkin tries desperately to get some media attention! And, like a mug, Andrew Marr is on the scene! Andrew!
Bernard Jenkin, you said the FBU are "Saddam's friends". Aren't you afraid of losing votes among firefighters?
Heh. But seriously, unlike us Tories who actually armed and supported Saddam, the firefighters who have nothing to do with him are in league with him.
Thanks for chatting.
Yep.

 

by andydougan
3-15-03
Kenneth Clarke and Michael Portillo, Tory conspirators
Soon, comrade, Iain Duncan Smith will know what "regime change" really means!
You're fat. And also a peacenik.
But still, I will use you to further my dark aims for now.
Et tu, David Davis? Then FALL, Duncan Smith!
Oh, stop being such a drama queen.

 

by andydougan
3-17-03
If your body was severed between your lungs and your stomach sac, and the bleeding was staunched, would you survive until you starved to death?
I'd like to think so.
I want to put that question in an Inane Conversations strip, but we haven't really said anything all that inane.
I like Moby.
Thanks.
Any time.

 

by andydougan
3-17-03
William Straw, political dissident
Don't bomb Iraq! Legalise the ganja! New Labour are Old Tories! Straw out! etc
Excuse me, sir. I'm from the Home Office. You're off to Camp X-Ray.
What about my right to trial?
Ha ha. You're funny.
Fascist pig! Why don't you go and arrest some real criminals? Like my dad, for instance!
How about you just front me an ounce?

 

by andydougan
3-17-03
Robin Cook, Leader of the House and former Foreign Secretary, resigns
The government is going to bomb people without domestic or international support. I can't go along with this.
I trust the world from East Timor to Sierra Leone will unite in ovation to my eternal humanitarianism.
Noooo!!! How will we cope in the interim period without a Leader of the House?!
And now to Rageh Omaar for the reaction from Saddam Hussein...

 

by andydougan
3-18-03
Uncle Dick and Dubya
Hmm. I wonder if we should've put that bit in your speech about telling Saddam to leave the country.
But Uncle Dick! If he does that, we can take over immediately! Isn't that what we want?
Yeah, but we've already promised the companies $1.5 billion in contracts to rebuild Iraq. So if we don't level the place, it defeats the purpose of the whole exercise.
Oh. Well, couldn't we just blow it up anyway?
Kuwait
All this sun's giving me an itchy trigger finger. I need some target practice.
The UK contingent is over there.

 

by andydougan
3-21-03
MDX Portillo and IDS
I laud the Prime Minister's courage in standing behind the most powerful force on Earth.
For once we agree. What he's doing takes real strength of character.
William Hague and Charles Kennedy
This is the first time I've ever agreed with the PM, except on asylum, privatisation, tax, and every other military action he's ever taken.
I. Er.
The Gulf
I should drop this bomb, but all the dissent back home has lowered my morale.
Too slow, Yankee pig! Now taste our anti-aircraft fire!

 

by andydougan
3-22-03
The Atlantic theatre
Ha ha. We're ahead of you on deaths so far. Losers.
Bah.
Thanks to you nits' inability to fly a chopper straight, our brave boys have crossed over to the other side.
Well, at least we have guns that occasionally fire. And actual boots and underwear.
How did you know I'm not wearing any?
Egh.

 

by andydougan
3-22-03
Suuupreeeeme...
Vaaampiiiriiiiiiiiic...
EEEEEEEE
VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!
Away out and play.
Awwwww.

 

by andydougan
3-22-03
Glasgow City Council
My son wants me to buy him a new sniper rifle to use to pick off asylum seekers.
Okay, I'll get the pension funds.
MEANWHILE!
Hey, can you say "gauranga" for me? It's impossible to do without smiling!
I wish the council would do something about these people.

 

by andydougan
3-23-03
Will Smith and Tom Hanks, Saddam's whores
We don't feel it's appropriate to attend the Oscars when we're bombing folks.
Good job we weren't actually nominated.
Nicole Kidman, spinster, and Russell Crowe, soon-to-be-ex-bachelor
Who'da thunk putting on a nasal disguise would fool people into thinking you're a good actor. What a world.
Quick, there's just time for some bumsex. Hey, I'm talking to you.
The Academy
Even though he half-closes his eyes and whines in lieu of acting, I think Michael Caine should win for his role in that Vietnam film.
Ho! Don't mention the war!

 

by andydougan
3-30-03
I spy a couple of soldiers! But I don't recognise their flag. They must be Ba'athists! Daisy cutter time!
Join the army, you said. A right skive, you said. The NSP review of 1988 requires that the US fight only "much weaker enemies" who can be beaten "rapidly and decisively", you said.
Nyeeeh, sharrap.
Some more British troops have got killed by Americans. Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon was filmed weeping with pride at the martyrs' gravesides.
They cancelled Graham Norton for this?

 

by andydougan
3-31-03
Hello! You're through to the Samaritans. How can I help?
Hi. I'm fifty years old and still live with my mum. Also I'm fat and stupid and no one likes me. I think I'm going to kill myself.
Ha ha! Fifty and you still live with your mum? What a loser! Next!
Hello. My fifty-year-old son refuses to leave home. I'm tired of looking at his ugly face. It's driving me to suicide.
I think I might just have solved your problem.
Hey, was that a gunshot?

 

by andydougan
4-03-03
Andy Dougan off the "Evening Times", and Russell Crowe off "The Insider"
Hey, good luck for your wedding on Monday, man.
I know we've had our differences. You see me as a disgusting little geek and I consider you a conceited thug, but I still wish you every happiness.
It was you who sent me the blood-filled syringe, wasn't it?
No! Where would I get hold of HIV-positive blood?

 

by andydougan
4-06-03
Stag night (or "Buck's party" as they say down under)
So you want to purchase a "trick", eh? Not a cop, are you?
Fuck off! I'm Russell Crowe, famous celebrity!
Oh, yeah. From Romper Stomper, right? Well, I can fix you up for two bob.
No, you misunderstand. I don't have to pay to use prostitutes.
You drive a hard bargain.
That reminds me. Give me free Viagra.

 

by andydougan
4-07-03
The wedding of the millennium
Russell Crowe. Do you take, er, whatever her name is, to be your wife?
Uhhh...what was I drinking last night...hie thee hither, death...
I'll take your silence as the affirmative. And do you take Russell Crowe to be your husband?
First I'd like an explanation of where he got that cystitis.
That's it. I'm going back to doing paedophilia strips.
Who are these people?

 

by andydougan
4-07-03
Russell Crowe on honeymoon
Okay, get the togs off!
Er. I just had sex with someone about half an hour ago, so I need a bit of time to recover...
But it's okay! I'll just think about myself for a while!
Must be frigid.

 

by andydougan
4-09-03
Can you be just "from" Compton, or do you have to be "straight outta" it?
If you're gay, you can't be "straight outta" Compton.
I'm "straight outta" Dennistoun.
No you're not. It's impossible to be "straight outta" anywhere in Scotland.
Can you be "straight outta" places in Canada?
I'll consult my map.

 

by andydougan
4-09-03
Did you know cat urine glows under a blacklight?
So does person urine.
I found out when I pissed all over my Uriah Heep poster.
Meanwhile...
Ha ha! Some guy who shot his face off and survived! I love rotten.com!

 

by andydougan
4-11-03
cyb3rcooze: yuo sound hott!! i bet your musculer and have v big penis ;)
I love the internet. People actually talk to me on it because they don't have to look at me and I can disguise my real personality.
cyb3rcooze: But hang on. There's an incongruity here. Why would a muscular person with a big penis chat up 14-year-old schoolgirls on the internet?
Uh oh. She's onto me. Better change the subject.
andydougan: avril rulz0rs cyb3rcooze: omg avril is teh best!!!!1
Crisis averted.

 

by andydougan
4-14-03
Do you support our troops?
Do I support our troops? I'm not sure.
You spit on the stars and stripes.
Is that right?
As rain.
As rain?

 

by andydougan
4-14-03
I support our troops.
Really?
Nah.
What are they, exactly?
Soldiers.
That's the first time anyone has told me that!

 

by andydougan
4-14-03
I like spaghetti.
Yeah, that's interesting. You're not the first person to have said they like spaghetti.
I like coffee.
Yeah, other people have told me they like coffee too.
I like sex with iguanas.
Whoa. Enough about sex... let's move on.

 

by andydougan
4-14-03
You're gay.
Wow. You've said that a few times already. Obsessed much?
Yes.
Well, you should mind your own business.
Sorry.
OK.

 

by andydougan
4-14-03
I have a crush on Russell Crowe.
I've heard of Russell Crowe. What do you think of him?
He has wonderful pecs.
What?
You know. Pectorals.
Know pectorals? You think I know pectorals?

 

by andydougan
4-14-03
What is the capital of Canada?
Here's the information you requested about Canada: Capital: Ottawa
What is the capital of Scotland?
What's the capital of scotland?
What is the capital of England?
Here's the information you requested about the United Kingdom: Capital: London

 

by andydougan
4-14-03
Those were the worst Inane Conversation strips I've ever made.
Yay!
I take that back.

 

by andydougan
4-15-03
Another election looms. Who shall win my support? This being the safest Labour seat in the multiverse, my first vote isn't going to make any difference anyway.
On the list vote I'm inclined to go for whoever is most likely to deprive Labour of seats: but they wouldn't be eligible for any list places anyway, so that too doesn't count much.
As for the council vote, that redefines "non-starter". Without PR, Labour's Glasgow City Junta is unshakeable.
It's good to see you're not voting negatively.

 

by andydougan
4-15-03
Hi! I'm a young Tory cutting his teeth on an unwinnable constituency before going to a safe seat in Oxfordshire. Can I count on your vote?
That you have the cojones to go around Dennistoun canvassing for the Conservatives in an Eton accent almost makes me want to vote for you.
But unfortunately I despise everything you stand for.
Could we hurry this up? I have a baccarat game in half an hour.

 

by andydougan
4-18-03
I don't understand why certain shit things can be liked ironically while others can't. Why is it possible ironically to like Broken Arrow, but not Exit Wounds?
Why is it possible to like "Minesweeper" ironically, but not "Solitaire"? S Club 7, but not Westlife? Russell Crowe, but not John Cleese?
I wonder if my comics can be liked ironically.
It's your only hope.

 

by andydougan
4-21-03
Rate the previous comic out of 10.
7. I liked the premise, but I thought your examples sucked.
Anyway, I'm off to have sex with a woman.
Much later
I'd've said at least 8...

 

by andydougan
4-25-03
The weekend before my final exams - and the election. The night smells of laburnum as the spring rain dries on the grass. In the north-west, the sun sets behind the purple crest of Ben Lomond.
The rat race seems worlds away. Who cares about academia? For what is politick? I'll be unemployable whether I get a 2:1 or a 2:2, and the country will be shit whether Labour or the SNP govern it.
It's enough just to be here with you.

 

by andydougan
5-03-03
"Is it true that X is consistent and X|=A if and only if X¾{A} is consistent, where X¾{A} is the set whose members are the members of X together with A?"
WHAT?!?!?! I took Philosophy so I could bullshit my way through exams! I'm an Arts student! I don't actually know stuff! How in the cunt am I meant to answer questions about set union?!
I hope I didn't say that out loud.
Please leave now.

 

by andydougan
5-03-03
Jack McConnell and Tom McCabe, niggas from the west coast
Hooray! Once again Scotland spreads its cheeks for us like a $3 rent boy!
In addition, the Tories won some constituencies, so we can continue to exploit the voters' fear of Conservatism!
You know you're not dealing with the brightest cards in the pack when they re-elect Gordon Jackson! I mean, Gordon fucking Jackson!
That reminds me. My old chinas on Glasgow City Council are going out for celebratory drinks, kindly paid for by the city's pension funds! Want to come along?
You know, I hope there isn't a benevolent God who will one day judge us on our actions in life.
The evidence speaks against it.

 

by andydougan
5-08-03
Spare any change, pal?
No, sorry, I'm too mean.
Fuck the Young Partick Cross! Bunch of underfed schemie bawbags who need a fuckin' wash!
Er. I'm not in the Young Partick Cross.
But even so.

Showing page 14.

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