All comics by boorite

Profile

 

by boorite
8-28-03
Would you like to try our new Radioactive Value Combo?
Isn't that a bag of assorted cabinet hardware shat upon from a dizzying height?
Nope. It's an angry wasp trapped in a cardboard box served on a bed of shredded tax documents.
OK, then.
Now what?
I fly up your shorts and sting you repeatedly in the balls.

 

by boorite
8-28-03
Would you like to try our new Homestyle Fecal Abomination?
What would Jesus do?
I'm leaning toward "no."

 

by boorite
8-28-03
Would you like to try "sausage?"
What the hell is it?
It's pig intestine scraped with a blunt edge and filled with ground pig parts.
I think I need to lie down on the floor.
Next!

 

by boorite
8-28-03
Maybe you should try our 99 cent Uber Bargain menu.
You mean I can get some kind of animal meat sandwich for 99 cents?
Nope. For 99 cents, our Assistant Manager parks his Chevy Nova at your table and forces you to lick dead bugs off the radiator grille.
Do you have anything less horrible?
I have leprosy.
I'll take that.

 

by boorite
9-02-03
President McKinley! I've come from the future to warn you. You're about to be assassinated!
BANG!
See?

 

by boorite
9-02-03
Greetings, man of the past! I am from the year 2003!
Crikey! Another city boy wanderin' around with no britches.
That's because pants can't go through the time machine.
But you're still wearin' them underpants, and that shirt, and them army boots.
OK, I took off my pants to let my knees breathe a little, and BAM I was back in 1901.
Should I shoot 'im now or wait 'til his back is turned?

 

by boorite
9-02-03
I can prove I'm from the future... with my impossible foreknowledge of events yet to happen!
Okey-dokey.
Shit...
Who won the Super Bowl in 1901?

 

by boorite
9-02-03
In 2003, practically everyone will travel around in "automobiles."
Well any damned fool could tell you that!
Fine. But these automobiles are equipped with enormous gramophones!
What the hell for?

 

by boorite
9-02-03
Well then, Mr. Future Britches, why don't you give me some future knowledge I can use? Like some ultra-modern farming methods.
OK! In 1958, we discovered that application of magnesium oxide will quintuple your yields. Pumpkins the size of Volkswagens!
What the hell's a Volkswagen?
What the hell is magnesium oxide?

 

by boorite
9-02-03
It's getting chilly, and I'm starved. Got any room in the farmhouse for a man from the next millenium?
Depends. Can a man from the next millenium do anything remotely useful?
I can rig the whole place for wireless ethernet. Just get me to the nearest Best Buy.
Can you muck stalls?
I can muck stalls like the dickens.
This way, please.

 

by boorite
9-02-03
I'm about to introduce you to my daughter. But if'n you so much as look at 'er, I'll castrate you with a grape hook.
Not to worry. In 2003, we males are castrated at age 30 for population control.
C'mon, then.
Surely that thing about the grape hook is just a figure of speech.

 

by boorite
9-02-03
So you're the proverbial farmer's daughter.
You sure talk funny, future man!
Your father tells me your mom died giving birth to you.
Poor mama. I'll always remember the night our Lord took her home.
You what?
I was just eight years old.

 

by boorite
9-02-03
So you're the farmer's daughter, and I'm the stranded traveler, and your father's out there harvesting hay. You know what has to happen next, eh?
Yeah. You gotta muck them stalls before Daddy comes home, or else he takes your balls off with a grape hook.
Right! Where's that shovel?
Dumbshit.

 

by boorite
9-02-03
I'm done mucking the stalls! What's for dinner?
Hardtack and raw potaters!
Christ. Maybe I'll just go to bed.
Tuberculosis!
Er, I mean I fixed you up a straw bed on the floor there.

 

by boorite
9-02-03
Minutes earlier, 102 years in the future, which is now
I got the time box all set to go back to the 1901 Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, moments before McKinley is shot.
So you can save him and alter the course of history?
Hell, no. I just want to see the look on his face.
Godspeed, you sick fucker.
Hey, you left your keys in your... damn!

 

by boorite
9-02-03
Meanwhile, 102 years earlier...
This the Pan-American exposition? You seen a skinny dude running around with no drawers on, asking for McKinley?
What a picturesque young buck! Happy as a big sunflower! You must be looking for The Old Plantation.
The WHAT?
The Negro Exhibit.
THE! WHAT!
You know. All de niggahs with weird guttural sounds... de scrapin’ of de fiddle and de old bangjo. It's right over there.

 

by boorite
9-02-03
If you hurry, you can still pair off with one of your thick-lipped African maidens for de old time dances!
You AIDS-ridden cock jockey! Be glad I don't rip your damn head off and beat your momma with it!
What a charming savage.

 

by boorite
9-03-03
I'll have a double cheeseburger, hold the meat...
....hold the cheese, hold the bun...
....extra ketchup!

 

by boorite
9-08-03
And now your host, Burt Reynolds!
Come on down! You're the next contestant on "Who Wants to Shoot Jerry Lewis!"
YAY!
What a nightmare. That's the last time I eat a sqid and mayonnaise pizza and fall asleep on the Game Show channel.
Burt, I'd like to shoot Jerry Lewis BEFORE the quiz round!
GAH!
Ha ha! Sorry, you have to answer the questions first.

 

by boorite
9-08-03
Ferdinand's revenge
This Wendy's chili goes right through you.
They don't call it "fast food" for nothing.
May I help you?
Yes. Why does every single McDonald's smell exactly the same, and no other restaurant smells that way?
Clown farts.

 

by boorite
9-09-03
Onomatopoeia for $800
The last "word" of tightrope walker Karl Wallenda.
What is
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
A stately pleasure dome decree
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May
Just think of the money he saved!

 

by boorite
9-10-03
I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to be, but it can't be legal.
Margle.
Are crimes to be punished but by other crimes, and greater criminals?
Look, you parked ON a fire hydrant, in a handicapped zone. I have to give you something.
I bear within a torture that could nothing gain from thine.
How do you spell "jaywalking?"

 

by boorite
9-11-03

 

by boorite
9-15-03
Leo Kottke must have studied jazz.
Oh, he's gay with it.
What?
He's queer for jazz.
Comprehension eludes me.
He's got a hard-on for Thelonious Monk.

 

by boorite
9-24-03
Aw, crap.
Hooray!
Aw, crap.

 

by boorite
9-29-03
What would you do if someone took your masterpiece and copied it and passed it off as his own?
That depends. How alike is his work to yours?
I'd put badgers down his pants.

 

by boorite
10-01-03
What are you watching?
Baseball.
You hate baseball.
Yeah, but this is the playoffs.
But...
Go Cubs!

 

by boorite
10-04-03
He's here again.
Don't move. Maybe he'll pick other characters.

 

by boorite
10-06-03
Maybe if I lie down and bang my head on the floor, the answer will come to me.
*thump thump thump*
Wow, look at all these cables down here.

 

by boorite
10-08-03
Schwarzenegger's going to win.
Schwarzenegger has won!
The Fed's going to raise the prime rate.
The Fed has raised the prime rate!
I'm going to get laid tonight.
A new Wal-Mart has opened in Odenton!

 

by boorite
10-14-03
May I take your order?
Let me guess. You're doing a tie-in with some sci-fi movie.
No. These are hazmat suits.
Oh.
I'll have a double cheeseburger with everything.

 

by boorite
10-14-03
I take offense, sir! I propose to fling poo at you immediately!
Hold that thought.
Carry on.

 

by boorite
10-17-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
Oh, that's right. My folks sold this place 20 years ago.
MOM!

 

by boorite
10-17-03
One parachute left! If we're going to get off this plane alive, we have to work together.
What you got in mind?
Help me put on the parachute...?
Fuuu-uuu-uuuuuck you!

 

by boorite
10-17-03
We both want the parachute. We have to settle this somehow.
How about a knife fight?
How about SAT scores?
680 Math, 700 Verbal.
How about a knife fight?

 

by boorite
10-17-03
Before we commence our knife fight, we have to agree on rules...
Yo, man, I saw Butch and Sundance, a'ight?
Great movie, but I could have done without the Burt Bacharach.
The point is, I am not gonna let you kick me in the balls.
Look, a baby wolf!
Saw that one, too.

 

by boorite
10-17-03
Forget the knife fight. Let's face off in comedy improv. I imitate you, and you imitate me. Funniest man wins.
Hold on a sec. I got to dress for the part.
Oh, that's much better.
Whitest gear I got on hand.

 

by boorite
10-17-03
Here we go. I'm you, and you're me.
Got it. Ready, set, go!
Say hizzo ah beez bussin' mah foot all up in yo azz in da hizzo-fizzuckin' house!
Greetings, I am a white man. Please disregard my awkward gait, as I am attempting to shell walnuts with my butt cheeks.
I do not walk like that!
"Hizzo-fizzuckin' house?"

 

by boorite
10-17-03
Wait. How we gonna decide who's funnier?
We let the people of America decide!
To vote for Pimp, call 1-900-PIMP
To vote for Jon, call 1-900-WIMP

 

by boorite
10-17-03
The results are in! I got 34,417,967 votes.
I got 34,417,942.
Yay! I win the parachute!
Hey, no hard feelings, right?

 

by boorite
10-17-03
Wait a damn minute. What was the margin of error on that phone poll?
Plus or minus 3 percent.
Shee-it! I only lost by 25 votes out of 34 million! Which means it's statistically just as likely that I--
WELL THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE TODAY, FOLKS!

 

by boorite
10-27-03
My dull countenance and thick-witted speech show me to be a regular man of the people.
Say there, Mr. Prezzydent. I'd like yer lovely daughters ta meet my son, Clem.
SECURITY!

 

by boorite
11-05-03
There can only be one!
I'm willing to go as low as five.
No!
You're supposed to make a counter-offer.
One!
OK, four, but I want you to know I'm not making a dime off this.

 

by boorite
11-05-03
There can only be one!
Force it up your maggot-chewed cunt flaps.
Two, then.

 

by boorite
11-05-03
There can only be one!
No, there can be as many as you want, as long as there are no carbs.
I'm not talking about a diet. I'm talking about chopping your head off with a sword.
Are there carbs in it?
I'm not sure, but it does have a full day's supply of dismemberment.
Peddle your stinking carbs elsewhere, carbie.

 

by boorite
11-05-03
There can only be-
Yes?

 

by boorite
11-05-03
I'm supposed to yell "there can only be one" and cut your head off with a bread knife.
I knew this day would come. So I had my head surgically removed as a precaution.
Nice thinking.
Thanks.
Say, would you mind scratching behind my ears?

 

by boorite
11-07-03
How much are these potholders?
They're a dollar.
And how much are--
THEY'RE A FUCKING DOLLAR!

 

by boorite
11-07-03
Will you marry me?
IT'S A FUCKING DOLLAR!
To marry you?
Sorry. What?
How much are these potholders?

 

by boorite
11-21-03
Let me take you down, 'cos I'm going to...
...throw up if I hear another Beatles cover?
Give me such a break! You epitomize the sucking!
He hates me! Yeah, yeah yeah.

Showing page 15.

« Previous Next »