All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Are those all our bills?
I'm trying to figure out how we're going to send both kids to college, help them get their first cars, and save for our retirement as well.
Is it possible?
Maybe. But we'll have to convince our daughter that she's a lesbian.
Why?
That way we don't have to pay for a wedding.

 

...and a pony, and a helicopter ride, and 20 friends on a party bus, and...
She said she wants all of that for her birthday? We can't even afford just one of those things. What are we going to do?
I'll figure something out.
Great news sweetie! We're now Jehovah's Witnesses!

 

DOOSH! DOOSH! DOOSH!
David! We do not say those words in this household! It's innappropriate and offensive!
Oh no, mom. I wasn't saying that word. It's the sound effect I use when I shoot the grenade launcher on this game.
Oh. Sorry about that. Carry on.
Okay. Now where did you go you fucking little douche? DOOSH! DOOSH! DOOSH!

 

I hear you're dating a witch.
Yep.
Gone all the way yet?
Just foreplay.
How is it?
Finger Wiccan good.

 

Dad, Bill's family is going all over the country this summer and doing cool stuff for their summer vacation. What are we going to do?
One word: Staycation!
What?
It's like a vacation, but you stay home.
I thought the point of a vacation was to get away from the home.
And I used to think that getting married was a cheap way of getting laid every day, but then you and your sister came along so welcome to your Staycation sucker!

 

So on a Staycation we do things at home and just pretend we're doing them somewhere else.
Yep. I've put up a tent in the yard so you and your sister can go camping.
Are we allowed to build a fire to cook our food?
No. There will be stale donuts, green bananas and cups of waffle mix that you'll use to make your own waffles for breakfast like at a hotel.
This was mom's idea to get out of cooking again wasn't it?
Now you're catching on!

 

What do you have in that box?
It's a snake I found on our Staycation safari exploration.
Staycation safari exploration?
We traveled though thick jungle and saw rabbits, mice, a turtle and a whole family of snakes.
See? I told you it wasn't necessary to ever mow the back yard.

 

You okay? You don't look so good.
I feel sea sick after I took the Staycation cruise.
What cruise?
I took some reading material and hopped up on Mommy's water bed. She made the waves and I enjoyed the cruise.
God, you're an animal today!
Fuck me harder! Smack my ass with this Teen Bop magazine I just found!

 

This would be the time on a real vacation that I would ask you for arcade money because I'm bored. I can walk there. So can I get 20 bucks?
Fine. Your sister already asked for some arcade money earlier.
20, 40, 60...
Where did you get all that cash?
I set up a Staycation arcade and charged the kids 20 bucks an hour to play their X-Box. Now I'm going Staycation shopping with Christine.
That's it! Staycation's over!

 

Dad said you were really sick when you were pregnant with me.
Oh, the morning sickness was the worst.
I spent every day in front of the toilet puking and staring at the "Conner" logo on the underside of the toilet seat.
Wait. Was I named after...
Now settle down, Conner.

 

Hey man. Are you okay? I know it's none of my business but I thought I saw you crying.
Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. My grandfather just died and I was just thinking about how I always wanted to be like him.
Aw. That's sweet. Let me give you a hug.
Uh, okay.
Did you just grab my ass when I hugged you?
It's what grandpa would have done.

 

So were you fired because you killed the kid?
I didn't kill him.
Well the jury at least found you not guilty but you still killed him.
No, I did not.
With this verdict do you think you'll get your job back?
For the last time, I'm George Zimmer. You're looking for George Zimmerman!

 

Alternative fuels are now using canola seeds, which are sometimes referred to as rapeseeds.
Rapeseeds?
That's right.
Why do they call them that?
Shut up and take it all bitch!
No! Stop! Help!

 

What's up with the band-aid?
I accidentally cut myself while shaving.
What's up with your band-aid?
I accidentally shaved myself while cutting.

 

Did you hear that Amanda Bynes was hospitalized in a mental ward?
The actress from Big Fat Liar?
Yeah. She set a fire in a neighbor's driveway.
Oh yeah, and then it caught her jeans on fire.
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

 

Wanna spoon?
Hell no! Get away from me pervert!
by four_legged_tripod, 7-29-13

 

Hey! My wife said you came over and fucked her brains out last night. She said it was the best fuck of her life.
Yeah, well...
I thought you tiny dicked Asians were bad in bed. Oh let me guess, you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express the night before.
No. I'm just hung like a fucking horse.

 

Kiss me, ya wench!
I'd rather not...
Then maybe I can play around with your floppy titties.
I'd rather not do that either...
I'm going to have to call you back mom. There's this chick here who won't shut up.

 

Kiss me, ya wench!
I'd rather not...
Then what would you rather do?
I'd rather just sit with you in my cabin and listen to my 1 Direction CDs.
So you threw her over board?
You wouldn't have?

 

Why do we have a receipt from the Holiday Inn Express? Brenda's been cheating on me again!
I've never performed an appendectomy on my way to work at McDonald's before, but I did stay the night at a Holiday Inn Express.
I'm telling you man, I don't even know a Brenda!

 

Kiss me, ya wench!
I'd rather not...
Why not?
Because when I kissed the captain, I swallowed him whole.
MARRY ME!
Oh sure. Just because I swallow sea men!

 

Celebrity crushes. I'll go first. Jennifer Aniston. Now you.
Quvenzhane Wallis the 12 year old from the movie Beasts of the Southern Wild.
What?
You know she's black, right?

 

What's up Nick?
Been prankin' people dude. After a big prank, I'll stand over them and yell "You've been Nick'ed!"
Just leave Dick out of it. You can go over board sometimes.
Sounds like a challenge man!
Sorry my friend couldn't come over with me. He's in the hospital. Dick got Nick'ed.
Daaaaaaammmm!

 

I just love outdoor weddings and this place is just so beautiful.
But there are just so many wasps out here.
Of course there are. It's a Country Club.

 

What is it?
It is what it is.
Yes, I know, but what exactly is it?
Look, you make fun of our school lunches every year and I'm sick of it. Honestly though, I'm not sure what it is.
If you don't even know what it is, then what am I supposed to do with it?
Just put it in your mouth. The whole football team says your good at that.

 

Randal? Are you in there thinking about sex again?
No, Gram, I'm not.
But I am now!

 

I haven't heard from my sister in five years and then she calls last night to say she just got a big promotion working for Cox.
The telecomunications company?
You know, she didn't specify.
How much work will you do re-grouting my bathroom?
I'll work an hour for every inch you can give me.

 

So the results of your physical came back and everything seems okay. I just have one question.
What's that?
Why were your testicles wearing a baby bonnet?
My girlfriend still is trying to figure out what it means to cradle my balls.

 

I was only trying to help the Jews.
Help them?! You damn near killed all of them!
It didn't start out that way. You remember when they were wandering the desert for 40 years?
Yeah.
I thought it was due to a lack of focus. So I created a place to increase their focus.
Concentration camps?!

 

You can quit staring at my tits. My eyes are up here.
Sorry. I have Aspergers and I find it hard to make eye contact.
You poor baby. Let me buy you a drink.
It worked?
Yep. Quick! She's coming this way. And don't worry about saying anything offensive. I told her you have tourettes.

 

I was thinking about our friendship.
Yeah?
It occured to me that I cannot think of a time when you were not in my corner.
That's because I've always been in your corner and always will be.
I'd just rather be in your box.

 

You're full of shit. You don't have Pinocchio Dick Syndrome. Your dick will not grow so much that it will go up your ass and come out your nose when you lie.
Trade places with me and find out.
I do NOT have Pinocchio Dick Syndrome. *sproing*
Oh my. Groovy!

 

So who did you vote for?
I, OF COURSE, VOTED FOR OBAMA! TWICE!
Why are you talking so loud? Oh! There's a black guy sitting at the table behind me isn't there?
Yep.
We should move tables.
Totally!

 

Pardon my French but you're a #$%^ &*(^ who can go and #$%@ on my %$^*&^ you sack of %^&$#!!!
Sorry kid. I really didn't mean for you to hear all of that.
So first he's like "Mom, I learned French today!" and then he starts calling me a fucking cunt and tells me to suck his cock becuase I'm a piece of shit!

 

1095 AD
Don't think about it. Just do it.
Okay. Looks like it's time to go kill as many Muslims as I can!
2005 AD
Don't think about it. Just do it.
Okay. Looks like it's time to boycott as many military funerals as I can!
2099 AD
Father, the talking box told me that I have to stop having sex with you.
Are you nuts? That thing has been broken for 3000 years!

 

Heads up people! We have a "Clear and Present Danger" here!
Oh, stop it! There's no need to make jokes about the death of Tom Clancy.
He died?
I was just warning the staff that I ate a bean burrito for lunch.

 

Jane Molester?
You're getting the letters mixed up. It's Mosteller. Jane Mosteller.
Jim Mosteller? You must be Jane's brother.
No sir. It's actually molester. Jim molester. It's a nickname.
Oh.
By the way, can I get a pass to go to the kindergarten classroom?

 

Dad? The dog's in the living room licking his privates again.
I wish I could do that.
Uh...
You should probably ask the dog's permission first.

 

So the trash man just left and it appears you did not pull the can to the curb again.
Sorry. I forgot.
I thought you were taking those memory supplements.
Yeah, but I've only taken three.
But you started them three months ago.
I know. I keep forgetting to take them.

 

Problems with tough stains? Need something stronger? The makers of Ajax have added bits of metal and broken glass to help out.
One case of Atax please.
Coming right up ma'am.
Yeah... See Atax was made to take stains off of floors, not babies.

 

How come there's a condom on my banana?
I can't afford to get any of your banana cream in my pie.

 

Okay class, any questions?
Yeah. Is a cat vagina called a pussy pussy?
by four_legged_tripod, 10-22-13

 

Your daddy put his penis in your mouth?! That's child sexual abuse!
Not if he was wearing a costume.
What do you mean?
He always wears a rooster outfit when he does that.
So you sucked a cock cock.

 

Don't come in here demanding sex. We need to discuss all aspects of our relationship first.
Sure. Cuz that would be totally sweet.
So what happened?
To my surprise he gave me an ear full.
Isn't he supposed to #shootitinyourass?

 

Only you can prevent forest fires Timmy.
Really? Gee, thanks Smokey!
In other news, forest fires continue to rage out of control.
What part of "ONLY YOU" can prevent this shit did you not understand, Fucktard?

 

The mission is clear but it's just too scary down there.
You've got to keep going, but stay clear of the black hole.
The hole is sucking me in! Dear God! The cord has broken! There's nothing I can do!
Abort! Abort!
See? I told you performing abortions was more fun when we pretended to be Sandra Bullock and George Clooney!

 

Tobey, will you give thanks over Thankgiving Dinner this afternoon?
Hell Ma...what do I got to be thankful for anyway?
Tobey, will you give thanks over Thankgiving Dinner this afternoon?
Oh that's right. I'm thankful for your alzheimer's and the fact you will never remember what I did to the turkey in a fit of horny rage.

 

♫ Jesus is the answer for the world today ♫
♫ Jesus is the answer for the world today ♫
♫ Jesus is the answer… ♫
We'll be sending you daughter back to Kindergarten. She's flunking everything. Every answer on every test, she writes "Jesus".
Damn that Jesus!

 

He will ask for a glass of milk
You don't think this dry ass cookie you gave me is going down without milk do ya, moron?
Then he will ask for a straw
You see the size of my mouth, asswipe? I need straw!
When he's finsihed he'll ask for a napkin
You gonna let this milk sit on my face? Get me a napkin you ungreatful host!
One napkin soaked in d-CON coming up, you little shit!

 

Behind the scenes at the FTC
So what's the only good thing that's ever come out of Kansas?
Beats me.
I-70!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Well, should we get started on protecting people's identities?
Naw. That I-70 joke wore me out. I'm calling it a day.

Showing page 15.

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