All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
3-27-02
ELEPHANT STAMPEDE!

 

by kaufman
3-28-02
WANT TO PLAY A GAME, ROGER?
What's that, Tobor? Play a game instead of you assraping me? That's a relief. What did you have in mind?
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW CORN IS A VEGETABLE, AND MY PHALLUS IS MADE OF STAINLESS STEEL ...
Uh, yes?
WELL, THE NAME OF THIS GAME IS ENEMA, VEGETABLE, OR MINERAL!!!
Yikes!!!!

 

by kaufman
3-28-02
In case of fire, g
Well, Mr. Mayor, do you still feel it was a wise cost-cutting measure to contract all our sign-making to teenagers with attention deficit problems?

 

by kaufman
3-29-02
Keeping a friendly workplace atmosphere: [094] days without an awful pun
Keeping a friendly workplace atmosphere: [094] days without an awful pun
Keeping a friendly workplace atmosphere: [000] days without an awful pun

 

by kaufman
3-29-02
Lather
Rinse
Repeat

 

by kaufman
3-29-02
CAUTION: Transmogrifier 1.5 Panels Ahead
What's that? Let's go see.
glnkrrhungg!

 

by kaufman
3-30-02
________ Under Construction ________ ___________ Bridge Out _____________ __________DO NOT ENTER! __________
How's it going, Dan?
Not bad, Brad. I just figured out a can't-miss investment strategy. It goes like this:
Whoa, that does sound great. I won't have to worry about financial security ever again.
And as a bonus payoff, neither will any of our readers who follow those simple instructions.

 

by kaufman
4-01-02
Hey Roger, there's a big, red, assraping robot behind you!
There is?
Ker-Transform!
Where?
APRIL FOOL!

 

by kaufman
4-01-02
o/` Oh, Puff the magic dragon
Lived 'neath the ground.
And when he ...
HHHRRRRAAAAHH!
breathed upon us three, We were fully browned...

 

by kaufman
4-02-02
In a world where comic strip creators pour so much time into building long-winded narration boxes and agonizing over their content, adding and editing for hours and hours and hours on end
until their spelling sufers they make runon sentenses until finaly thier energy gives out before they've even changed the default characters and they fall asleep and there heds hit the send buton:
Zzzzzzzzzzzz

 

by kaufman
4-02-02
In a world where animals tyrannically rule humans .....
This ice is two degrees too warm. That will be 80 lashes!
Oh, please, no!
Only one person can save humanity ......
Out of here, buddy. I'm tired of sleeping in the refrigerator!
This summer, you won't want to miss SORRY MOM, CAN'T PRACTICE PIANO, I NEED TO GO KILL SOME WHALES!
C'mon, kid, empty your pockets.
No, motherfucker, you empty yours!

 

by kaufman
4-02-02
In a world where giants walk the earth ....
Oh, come now, look at the curvature. Either that planet's too small to hold him and he should go flying into space, or he's too big and the square-cube law says he can't survive!
and intelligent kangaroos run ruthless crime syndicates ...
Ok, the intelligence I can buy. But opposable thumbs? NO WAY!!!!
Woody Allen and Kathy Ireland are trying to raise a baby in the feel-good hit of the summer, DADDY'S BOY. Rated PG-13, people with IQs over 13 must be accompanied by a pedant.
On second thought, let's go to something a bit more realistic, like Collateral Damage II.

 

by kaufman
4-02-02
In a world like MEMENTO ....
Hey Slim, what's that tattoo on your arm say?
It says, "E = MC cleaved."
where no one can remember a darned thing ......
What the fuck are you talking about?
I have no idea. I can't remember what it means, or why I got the tattoo!
people will be flocking this summer to see ... GLITTER: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT. Complete with 43 minutes of never-before-seen footage.

 

by kaufman
4-03-02
In a world where beneath a dormant volcano, on the western shore of the western continent, the darkest forces have forged an artifact of ultimate evil,
o/` Ope oin twun, Weelee trun! Ope oin twun, Weelee trun!
The world's fate rests on one small group.
Are you sure, Gandalf?
The fire runes confirm it. This is The One, the source of all misery since the end of the Second Age. Tell him, Aragorn.
Coming July 3rd, LORD OF THE CLIPS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF CLIPPY.
He's right, Frodo. You must put together a small team and toss this foul artifact into the fires of Mount Rainier, whence it was forged.
It looks like you're trying to corner the software market with inferior products. How can I help?

 

by kaufman
4-04-02
In a world where Asian film pirates make inexpensive ripoffs of American blockbusters as soon as one of them hears the title ...
No, please don't take me; I'm too young to die!
Relax. I don't want to kill you, I just want to give you a kiss!
You've got to help me, doctor. I've got no energy, and I have these big sores around my lips.
Ok, let me give you a few tests.
It was inevitable that they would be foisting DEATH TOO SMOOCHY on us.
Well, Doc, what's the story?
You have mononucleosis and herpes simplex 1. Haven't I told you to lay off the promiscuous kissing?

 

by kaufman
4-04-02
In a world ... literally ....
Is anybody there? Help! Let me out of here!
Hey! The film broke. Projectionist! Wake up!

 

by kaufman
4-04-02
And thanks to the search function, I've determined that I'm the only person to use the "U" word in a comic. I've done it three times.
That's better than I've managed with the "L" word -- I've only worked it into two of my strips, but fear not, I won't gratuitously use it here.
But I didn't say I wouldn't torpedo boorite by using HIS word here. Now where's that purple bovine?
Have you finished unguleating yet? Can I use the past tense?
Christ, this is only the fifteenth time you asked me in the last ten minutes. How do you expect me to unguleat when you're asking me these pointless questions?

 

by kaufman
4-05-02
Hah! Humanity dead at last. We roaches shall rule the planet!
Or, I guess I could use my radioactively mutated intellect to resurrect the race ...
Peanuts? Pretzels?
On second thought, let them rot.

 

by kaufman
4-05-02
No, that one is too big, darn it!
Sheesh! Night and day I work to bring back humanity, and keep failing. But I am doomed to keep trying, till I get it right.
Damn you, Dr. Asimov, Damn you!

 

by kaufman
4-05-02
How is it? Can I look?
It works! We can bring back humanity!
Hmmmm, all things considered, that shirt is inappropriate. And get rid of the beet-colored hair. Then we'll activate him.
So, how does it feel to be alive and awake in this post apocalyptic era?
I got 2 words for you: gluteal splinters!

 

by kaufman
4-05-02
It's amazing that we were rescued from our own folly by the cockroaches.
No kidding! It's preposterous that we'd have ever done the same thing for them.
They really deserve a tribute. A memorial to their service to humanity.
Are you kidding? The president will never go for us erecting an 80-foot bronze cockroach!
And that's when I knew we'd need the wooden badger.
What if we start by paying tribute to some other species, and then building up to that? ...

 

by kaufman
4-05-02
We have completed the restoration of humanity, Master.
Excellent, is everything back the way it was?
Almost. We intentionally didn't bring back Charles Manson, Russell Crowe, Detroit, Dr. Dre, "Three's Company," Burger King, ...
Burger King?!? Report for reprogramming immediately! You were supposed to bring it back and leave out McDonald's!
I know, but in the name of maintaining some semblance of Scottish culture and cuisine, we decided it was better this way.

 

by kaufman
4-05-02
The robot is sent to survey humanity on the quality of this brave new world. The response is unanimous.
What do you think? Is the new Earth not perfect?
Oh, no question at all. You folks did a kickass job!
Until one interviewee expresses discontent ...
Well, it's almost perfect. But that one wirthling fellow really sucks.
But why? How can he suck? We filtered out the major suckage!
Well look at him! He even looks thin in horizontal stripes. I'm SO jealous!

 

7
by kaufman
4-05-02
Why do you want this job?
Fashion consultant's a position for yours truly. I know not to don horizontals!
Did you finish school? At what instituion?
MFA at RISD. I know my stuff. I was a co-author of a book on pants.
THAT pants book? Can you start Monday? Our firm pays in clothing, not cash. Ok?
No difficulty with that. I look just awful in gr$$n.

 

by kaufman
4-06-02
A small radio studio
Hello again. you're listening to the radio. Today I am speaking into a microph...
is taken over by that notorious villain:
Ok, away from the mike. I'm taking over this show!
You are commitng an illegal act as part of a large-scale evil plan.
Dr. Singsbeatlessongsbackwards.
Yalp ot tuo emoc uou t'now, ecnedurp raed. Uoy era os dna lufituaeb s'ti. Eulb si yks eht. Pu si nus eht ...

 

by kaufman
4-06-02
Ha ha, Super Britainman, I have folded you into something completely different. What do you say to that?
Sacre bleu!

 

by kaufman
4-06-02
My workers don't need cash Christmas bonuses. Bra, handbag! I'll give them lingerie and purses.
Hello, I am de ghost of Bob Marley mon. Tonight you be visited by three ghosts, so get reggae for a night of little sleep, mon.
All right, who are you three?
I am the Ghost of Fashions Past. I will show you the uncomfortable clothes you used to make.
I am the Ghost of Fashions Present. Do you realize how tacky and faddish your current line is?
I am the Ghost of Fashions Future. If you think they're bad, wait and see what happens if you don't change your ways!

 

by kaufman
4-06-02
So we three ghosts are in the bedroom with her, when suddenly she starts screaming about a vision.
Something to do with getting everyone in Washington to wear cowboy suits and African death masks.
She's spiraling down, isn't she?
She is? You're the one who's paying a squirrel to psychoanalyze you, even though you're dead!

 

by kaufman
4-07-02
Ha ha! My superior intellect has brainwashed Explosive Diarrhea Man into submitting to my will. And what are you going to do?
I am going to contaminate the Stripropolis water supply.
That's right. And out in this boat in the middle of Lake Brad, no one can ... OH SHIT! It's The Human Campfire!
The jig is up, Head. Now I want you all to form a circle and sing.
o/` Someone's fouling the lake, my Lord, Kumbayah ...
o/` Someone's fouling the lake, my Lord, Kumbayah ...

 

by kaufman
4-07-02
Before I died I was a mailman who hung out in a bar.
Hey, another beer for me and Cliff.
Thanks, Woody.
One day this psychologist, Doctor Crane set me straight about a few things.
You seem so tense. Are things at work bothering you? You should let it out.
It was only after I died that I learned the meaning of the word "disgruntled."
Eat hot lead, suckers!

 

by kaufman
4-07-02
Ah, midnight Cheers reruns. Followed by ... Infomercials! Oh, I like this one.
Consider this. When you're dead and buried, you're going to look like the man on the left, being gnawed upon by the critter on your right. Not very appetizing, is it?
But fear not. If you buy this home crematory kit for the low installment price of $29.95 a month, you will never have to worry. Watch me as I use it on myself...
I feel great! No flies nipping at my corpse! Order before midnight tonight, and you'll also get our cherry-flavored enbalming fluid!

 

by kaufman
4-08-02
Okay, girls, take it from the top. Let's vizzle and skargle and make those critics hop!
o/` Oh, you say "tuh-may-toe", I say "toe-mah-toe"...
You say "cree-may-toe", I say "cray-mah-toe"...
I say "I'm yearning to stop this burning."....
You say "hack, wheeze, choke, gag, cough"...
I say this show is truly awful... Let's just call the whole thing off!

 

by kaufman
4-08-02
Here we are, two failed playwrights in ... uh, what town is this again, and what time is it?
Austin; 3:16. I really ought to have known better. I'm a doctor, not a choreographer.
My luck, we had to be performing in the Space Theatre, for you know in Space, no one can hear you scream.
So that dampens the effects of the sopranos, badda-bang, badda-bing, but what about the lower voices?
My altos and tenors were singing like parrots nailed to perches and pining for the fjords, but everyone else was nowhere to be found!
That's because all your basses are belong to us!

 

by kaufman
4-08-02
Here's the plan. Balancing Bitch, you raise a hind leg to The Human Campfire.
Bambo, draw first blood from Used Tampon Bola Woman
And you ... now that we've captured the tormentor of Steve the Leprechaun, slavery sounds right for him. Sickle, sell Amoeba!

 

by kaufman
4-09-02
It looks like you folks out there are confused about the stability of our software. So we've brought in a special guest. Could you tell us who you are?
Well, I'm a horse.
And where do you come from?
Troy, New York.
Right. What we have here is one of the many Trojan Horses Microsoft is well-equipped to house. And when you've designed a structure suitable for housing so many equines ...
Of course it's a stable system!

 

by kaufman
4-09-02
My Master seems sad; Are you longing right now for; some greasy fast food?
No, you nincompoop; I am dreading finding out; this strip makes no sense.
Good work, I am glad; You will gain a promotion; and fur coat bonus.
Boss, if I may say; this is now our14th strip; We can use the 'e'!
Yet the robot's right; I do need some cheering up; Read "Haiku Hamlet!"
Ghost says kill uncle; Am I nuts? I'm so depressed; Whoopie! we all die.

 

by kaufman
4-10-02
Ibor, I need a face and a hand for my Monster. Have you found suitable bodies?
Yes, Master, they're right over there.
SUCCESS! I HAVE CREATED LIFE! When The Priest walks, we shall have a religious figure to subject to torment and jokes!
Uh, excuse me ... am I chopped liver or something?

 

by kaufman
4-10-02
Look who we introduce in this comic!
We are Dion, Dionne, Deion, Dyonn, Dynne, and Deeyawn. DYN? We're sextuplets.
We were busted by the Fashion Police for wearing brown socks with blue corduroy shorts, and now we're on this chain gang.
We're hoping our sister Diane, and our brother Dwayne will bail us out soon.
Hey, quit pulling!
Wait a second. I thought I was Dionne, and you were Deeyawn. If he's Dionne, then what does that make Dynne?
Done.

 

by kaufman
4-10-02
I don't get it. You were told that if you and Dion were surgically joined at the back, you two would be released immediately, and you want ME to do it?
Absolutely. We know your reputation as a brilliant designer, and are sure you can develop something aesthetically pleasing.
Okay, but here are the rules: I have complete artistic liberty. You may not look in a mirror until one week after the procedure. And most importantly, I don't take checks.
Sounds great! Let's start.
One week later ...
I think a mirror's this way. Let's go.
Hey, quit pulling!

 

by kaufman
4-10-02
Bachelor Number Three: What is your favorite kind of ice cream, and what do you do with it?
Well, we need to get double-dip cones, my brother and me, and then he takes mine and I take his and we toss each other's up in the air and catch our own in our tentacles.
So I reversed a few things since I hadn't brought in any WIGUs yet. This should still obey the spirit of CC17.
I see. And what is your idea of a perfect date with me?
We would have dinner and see a movie, and then we would go home and make the creature with one back.
O-kay. If you could be any part of an automobile, what part would you be, and why?
The emergency brake __________________ No, the oil filter __________________ That's so stupid! __________________ Like an emergency brake isn't! __________________ Hey, quit pulling!

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
Moses! You have to do something. The Egyptians are gaining on us.
Don't worry about them; I'll just halt their pursuit with a Control-Sea.

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
LQQK!!!!11! Red Robot, good as new, must sell, fully functional, Cleveland, Ohio. Seller: wirthlingsux
What is the meaning of this, Gabe? Are you trying to get rid of me?
Look, Tobor, I'm going to be moving soon; I can't really take you out to Oregon. We'll find you a nice home.
It wouldn't have anything to do with this line, "Only used a little old computer geek on Sundays," would it?
What? It was supposed to say, "Only used BY a little old computer geek." Yeah, that's the ticket! eBay's got some really lousy copy editors, eh?

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
So you chose me over that two-headed thing to go on a date with you. Wise choice.
Yeah, I'm glad you can come with me to Las Vegas, and were able to get a nanny to take care of the kids. I know your mother likes it that way.
I really can't wait to hang out on the Strip and watch the Thor impersonators parading by.
And then we head out to Roentgen Flats State Park to soak in the rays ...
Uh, what kind of rays did you say these were? Everything is looking smaller!

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
Use your imagination. Of course her clothes ripped and fell off when she became colossal.
Okay, Alice. I've got the drug here that will shrink you back to normal size.
Thank goodness, Doctor. But will you please quit staring at my tits?
Hold on just a moment. Ok, about 5 Viagra tablets should do.
Viagra? Will THAT shrink me down?
Hell no, but it should get me to the point where I can take on your 12-foot box!
IS THER ANOTHER DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
Rock tools

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
Excuse, me, would you have sex with me? I don't care about the details, I just REALLY want to join the "Mile High Club."
You want to have sex with me no matter what?
Wait a minute. This is Scandinavian Airlines, isn't it?
Oh stewardess, I'd like a sex change, please!

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
.................................ZZZZZZZIIIPPP!
Good news. The operation was a success. Now be very careful when zipping up your pants. You don't want to catch your new ...
OWWWWWW! THAT BURNS!
Ok, Grandpa. I guess I understand now. But where did the "Kajun" part of your name come from?

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
There. I've shrunk you back down to normal size. Feeling better?
NO! I can't forgive you for what you did to me. I swear, I'm going to rip you a new asshole!
And now for something completely different: A man with three buttocks.

 

by kaufman
4-11-02
Okay, Andy. It's 7:00. You know what that means.... Movie Time!
Hey let's go to the Art Cine tonight. They've got a new Italian film in which a fat transvestite shoots jism all over a Russell Crowe lookalike.
No, Andy. You know the rules. We're seeing Battlefield Earth.
Again, Jesus? We've only seen it 715 consecutive nights.
I know, I know. Watch for the Travolta close-up ...
Hey, could you put your arms down? You just knocked over my popcorn. Do you think you're Jesus or something?

 

by kaufman
4-12-02
Jesus to Satan: Take the week off, Nick. I want to handle this damnation by myself.
...bartender gives him a suspicious look, and asks him if he's a string. And the string says:
"OF COURSE NOT. WHAT GAVE YOU THA SILLY IDEA?"
...Foo Bird craps on the head of the third man, who doesn't wipe it off, and lives happily ever after. And the moral of the story:
"WEAR A BIG HAT WHEN GOING OUTSIDE."
...looks at his mangled boots, kills the leopard with his bare hands, and takes it home. Dale Evans sees him and says:
"HEY, TRIGGER'S IN THE BEDROOM. LET'S HAVE A THREESOME!"

Showing page 15.

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