All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
7-25-04
Impressing the lesbian flatmate
So what's it like to have sex with a woman?
'Sall right.
You know what I hate? When I search for pr0n, wank to it, and at the crucial moment notice that the title of the page is "She-males".
Secretly I kind of like it, but I won't tell her that so she thinks I'm macho!
I said we shouldn't have replied to a flat ad that was attracting flies, but noooo...

 

by andydougan
7-26-04
If your penis got severed, would you deliberately remove your balls too?
I don't fucking know!
Well, you should probably make plans in case it ever happens.
If your head got severed, would you stop asking stupid questions?
Are you aware you're not wearing any trousers?
No!

 

by andydougan
7-26-04
Things are finally going my way! My cap-smoking flatmate has left to be replaced by two Irish lesbians who share their magic mushrooms with me! Only downer is I'm out of money.
I suppose you'll have to move back in with your mother, then?
Hours later
Yeah, so he's still stood there. Makes a good hatstand, actually. You want to come round and see?

 

by andydougan
7-30-04
Senator Kerry at the Democratic Convention
I supported the war in Iraq. So if you oppose the war join my campaign!
That is a pretty stupid argument.
Also I'm not George Bush.
Where do we sign?

 

by andydougan
8-03-04
Crisis for Christian Slater at the Edinburgh Fringe
I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel my appearance in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I'm sick, you see.
Yes, we know that. You get your kicks out of snorting crack cut with ground glass and then going out to beat up women. That's why we cast you.
I meant physically sick. I have chicken pox.
Sissy.

 

by andydougan
8-13-04
Visiting the old flat
Hi! I've got an interview in Edinburgh tomorrow, and I thought, well, why not stay with my old gash-gobbling flatmates!
Who are you?
Andy. I used to live here until a fortnight ago.
Oh, yeah, right, the one with the fish heads. C'mon in.
So have you managed to rent out my old room?
We're still waiting for the decon squad.

 

by andydougan
8-13-04
Visiting the old flatmates
Okay, I'm off out to have fun. You know where everything is. See ya.
Wait, can't I come?
Not really.
Okay.
...illions die in Sudan...
Ach, bloody repeats.

 

by andydougan
8-24-04
Hunting new accommodation
I can't believe I'm actually considering renting a room in a priest's house. Okay, what are your ground rules?
No drugs, no sub-letting, no blasphemy, no homos, no bitches, no guests after 7pm, no ham shanks, no pr0n, and no loud music.
Thank God you didn't mention autoerotic asphyxiation.
Watch your language!

 

by andydougan
8-25-04
You're big in the film industry. Perhaps you can tell me. Why in the shit would anyone go to see a Jennifer Aniston romcom? Seriously, why?
They're "date movies". You're supposed to get off with your "date" at bits where the characters get off with each other.
So people need to be told by Hollywood when to get off with each other?
Welcome to Gen Y.
I mean, I could understand why one or two people might go along if Aniston got her minge out. But she never does!
She just doesn't have your artistic sensitivity.

 

by andydougan
8-27-04
Have you seen The Bourne Supremacy? It's pretty Gene Hackman.
What are you blithering about now?
"Gene Hackman". It means neither good nor bad. The etymology is that Gene Hackman has been in as many great films as terrible ones.
That's the worst colloquialism ever.
You mean it's quite Russell Crowe?
Fuck you.

 

by andydougan
9-09-04
I don't want to stop looking at you/Ten million years in your presence would be insufficient...
I remember when Aerosmith were a rock band. Now all they play is kissing songs for 13-year-old girls. It makes me ill.
I long to stare into your cunt until the END OF TIME BAY-BEE oh yeeeeaah
What happened to the bands that used to bite the heads off giraffes and vomit into each other's eyes?
And now with their new Roger Whittaker cover, here's Slayer...

 

by andydougan
9-21-04
At a party
I never paid attention in logic class.
I never attended logic class. BECAUSE I COULDN'T GET THROUGH THE GATES!!!!!
Eh? Eh?
I like to eat toenails.

 

by andydougan
10-23-04
Iraq
Look what those infidel occupiers have done to our country! We ought to teach them a lesson!
You're right! Let's go and kill them!
Eh, nah. They might hurt us. Let's instead kidnap and torture an aid worker who's spent her life helping Iraqis.
Yeah! Tony Blair will lose a lot of sleep over that! WE ARE GOD'S SOLDIERS!
How about her over there?
Hmm, let's go for one with no limbs. No sense taking needless risks.

 

by andydougan
10-23-04
Karl Rove and George W talk campaign strategy
We could do with another half-percentage point. How about if we send a few British soldiers to die in Baghdad?
'Kay, I'll phone up whatsisname and arrange it.
Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon breaks the news
...so that's what you get for joining the army! But thanks, though, lads! Hope it isn't too protracted!
I like this job. People call me "minister" when I go to the office.
If we had guns that actually fired, I'd shoot this cunt.

 

by andydougan
10-23-04
Steven Seagal, action man
I hope that I can be known as a great writer and actor someday, rather than a sex symbol.
Actual quote.
They're showing Under Siege at the UGC. Want to go?
Sorry but I need to stay at home and file my nipples down with a cheesegrater.

 

by andydougan
10-26-04
So where have you been all this time?
I got sent to the bin for alcoholism.
Oh. Well, want to go for a drink?
Sure.
You're...you're my besht friend...I love you, man...
We're not even at the bar yet.

 

by andydougan
10-29-04
Rudy Giuliani, occasional dabbler in incest
It's the troops' fault, not the President's, that no weapons have been found in Iraq! Did they search carefully enough? (ACTUAL QUOTE)
Why can't those lazy soldiers be competent like us bureaucrats?
Gah! Someone cut this imbecile's mic!
I tell you, George, keeping all these GOP retards from wrecking your campaign fair takes it out of a man.
I just snorted heroin out of a hooker's anus on national television.

 

by andydougan
10-29-04
Abu al-Zarqawi still can't get it up
Unless our ridiculously arbitrary demands are met, we'll dismember someone who's nothing to do with anything!
Yep! Cos we're martyrs! Allah rules the school!
Now c'mere and give me a kiss.
"Martyr" used to mean "someone who sacrifices himself for others". Now it means "a gullible psychopath who commits atrocities to gain access to an afterlife of decadence".
Oops, forgot to turn the camera off!
I've heard of language evolving, but this suddenly?

 

by andydougan
10-31-04
So it turns out that, before the war, the Pentagon was going to blow up a training camp in Iraq containing Abu al-Zarqawi.
Only I can be trusted to take on the enemies of America!
But the administration nixed the plan because the camp was in an area of the country not controlled by Saddam, and they were afraid that drawing attention to it would undermine the case for invasion.
My opponent would permit the terrorists to get away!
Now they say that Fallujah has to hand over al-Zarqawi or face annihilation.
9/11!

 

by andydougan
11-03-04
Welp, I guess that's the end of Iran, then.
We have become the country that pulls a dry cleaning bag over its head to play astronaut.
You're just mad because the New England brahmin lost.
The wrong Yaley blueblood won, yes.

 

by andydougan
11-03-04
I look forward with slavering lust to how low your abortion-banning, draft-running country's stock will be in the world in a few years.
You're forgetting something.
What's that?
We have an enormous stockpile of weapons.
Be a shame to let them just sit there.

 

by andydougan
11-03-04
How about if we do absolutely everything you tell us? How's that for a compromise.
Okay, but your Prime Minister can't go around saying "I had to. They left me no choice." He has to pretend to believe in what he's doing.
I'm not sure he can pull that off. He's not very accustomed to lying.
Then you will have to find a weasel to be your PM. Where would one find a weasel in British politics?
Looking high, looking low.
They all look like upright men of principle to me.

 

by andydougan
11-03-04
Ralph Nader said in a speech today that the only causes worth fighting for are those that you lose, and lose, and lose, until finally you win.
I think he forgot a few hundred "and loses".
Lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and
lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose and lose.
He also forgot to omit "and win".
"Until finally you lose some more".

 

by andydougan
11-04-04
Anyway, I'm off out.
No! You can't go and have a good time while I'm stuck here!
Don't worry. I won't be having that good a time.
You'll be smoking drugs! And banging hoors!
I'm going to the chemist to pick up haemorrhoid cream.
Your profligacy would shame Nero!

 

by andydougan
11-08-04
Why's your groin covered in grey matter?
I just fucked Hitler's brain.
Well, I guess you can one-up everyone at parties now.
So you climbed Everest? How interesting I FUCKED HITLER'S BRAIN!

 

by andydougan
11-10-04
Most vampires can be killed by wooden stakes. But for Muslim ones you need wooden hams.
What, like Kevin Costner?
Huh?
We Indians call him "Casts Self in Own Movie".
I wasn't even talking to you.
My Cherokee name is "Beats off with Oven Mitt".

 

by andydougan
11-16-04
Phew! Got a lot of Perl programming done today.
You call that programming? Perl's a glorified game creator! It's a girl's language. Real men use C, C++ or asm.
Or, as I call it, ORGasm.
You've never touched a woman, have you?
You can touch women?

 

by andydougan
12-23-04
...So Pilate's dithering over whether to buy Return of the King or wait for the boxed set, and his wife goes "Hurry up and decide!"
But Pilate thought she'd said "deicide"...so he did!
Though in hindsight the mix-up doesn't seem quite so amusing.
No.

 

by andydougan
12-26-04
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ends in panelt.
Ends in panelt who?

 

by andydougan
12-26-04
The amount of information a symbol contains is related to its probability of occurence, and hence its entropy. If you process a lot of text, you can work out the relative probability of the letters.
Once you know this, you can calculate their maximum possible compression. The perfect compression algorithm for the English language could compress a letter down to just over one bit.
So then I headbutted him in the crotch and ran away in tears.
You're an idiot.

 

by andydougan
12-29-04
Oh my FUCK! Did you hear? Richard Attenborough's granddaughter has died!!!
Why aren't you crying?

 

by andydougan
1-03-05
I visited a brothel the other day, but all the hoors told me they weren't that desperate.
Your Byronic unhappiness fails to impress me, and you should feel the same.
Thanks for the sympathy.
I have AIDS.

 

by andydougan
2-02-05
I want to die, but I lack the physical courage to commit suicide.
I wish I had cancer or something.
If you pay me I can arrange for someone to kill you.
I'm too shy to meet new people.

 

by andydougan
2-02-05
Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking to spend some money. Are you by any chance a prostitute?
Er...no.
But I just saw you fellate a limbless tramp for 20p.
Well, yes, all right. But I have to draw a line somewhere. I have my reputation to think about, after all.
It's remarks like that that make me want to hang myself.
Your whining isn't making you any prettier.

 

by andydougan
2-05-05
Well, every cloud has a silver lining. I may be unemployable, ugly, untalented, unfit and crippled by bladder infections...
...but at least I have a sympathetic friend like you to tell my troubles to! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Kill me.
Sorry, what? I wasn't listening to your prattle.

 

by andydougan
2-05-05
Oh, by the way, how'd it go the other night?
Uh, great! Yeah! I "banged" that "ho" and she loved it! Yes sir!
So you got turned down because you're repulsive.
Yep.
Maybe you're aiming too high. Was she good-looking?
It was hard to concentrate over the smell of her latest abortion.

 

by andydougan
2-05-05
Anyway, I've got to run. I'm meeting your mother to fuck her cunt, arse and face.
Okay doke.
Good luck with your love life and everything.
Thanks. That means a lot, man.
That means a lot.

 

by andydougan
2-05-05
Still, no need to be glum! A Saturday night spent with a litre of Scotch, a quarter of grass and some rape mpegs will soon turn my frown upside-down!
Wait! Get away from me with that thing! Nooo!
Seconds later
Maybe I could jump out the window? No: if I landed wrong I might just end up a spastic or something. And paracetamol is unreliable for the same reason...
Ah! Ah! Please stop! Stop! Ah! Ah!
God, no one has a life as bad as mine.
Daddy! Daddy! How can you do this to me?

 

by andydougan
2-07-05
GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY!
Sigh...that singer is so dreamy. And funny, too.
Bah. Chicks never find it funny when I say "gay". What's he got that I don't?
Do you want me to take your feelings into consideration when answering that?
Too late.

 

by andydougan
2-07-05
Yeah, I'll have a Scotch, please.
So you like drinking Scotch, eh? Well, baby, today's your lucky day!
Shut up and go away.
Right.
Oh, wait! I get it! "Scotch"!

 

by andydougan
2-07-05
If you could meet one person, living or dead, who would you choose?
The living one.
You must think I'm pretty stupid.

 

by andydougan
2-07-05
That was a pretty good comic.
Yeah. Even if it wasn't entirely original.
Shame you can't go back in time and claim that joke as your own.
Whoever invents the first time machine will surely be the funniest person in the world.
If God farts and I ever get syndicated, and I get to write a book with a foreword, I'm going to ask them to reprint some comics I wish I'd made. And that will be in it.
It might be easier to include comics you wish you hadn't made.

 

by andydougan
2-07-05
Hey, we've not spoken to Mathew in years. Why don't you phone him up and arrange for us to meet?
No! Why don't you?
Because I want to go and play Tiger Woods 2005.
Bah. Trust you to have a watertight excuse.
Hi, Mathew?
STOP FUCKING PHONING ME!!!

 

by andydougan
2-16-05
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail.
Personally, I want nothing more to do with either of them.
Music hater.

 

by andydougan
3-05-05
ART CUNTING ATTACK MY FUCKING ARSE
go get a new mullet you stupid fuck
this is an art attack...this is an art attack
well this is my fist you RED JUMPER WEARING CUNT

 

by andydougan
3-18-05
Baws! I forgot to make a comic about the Oscars this year! I'll have to rustle up something fast.
Er...I guess I'm high-pitched compere Chris Rock. Um, niggers.
I'm Russell Crowe. I won an Oscar once. It was for a shit film.
And I'm supposed to be famous Italian auteur Martin Scorsese. I have fewer Oscars than Russell Crowe. Apparently this just goes to show how warped the whole system is, as if it matters.
Another successful comic! Save!

 

by andydougan
3-29-05
I'll have the salade régurgitée with sauce à catarrhe and a croûte de sperme. Oh, and a side order of freedom fries.
Very good, sir. And to drink?
This is kind of a digression - but have you ever noticed that if you rub the crevice between your leg and scrotum, it feels a bit like a woman's vagina?
DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?!?!
I don't know. I seem to have mislaid the wine list.
Sir's skinny ass is sitting on it.

 

by andydougan
4-01-05
Mrs Cardwell? Mother of little Janie Cardwell?
Yes?
There's no easy way to say this, ma'am. So I'll just say it:
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Yeah, you really have to be careful with all those similar consonants.
Oh, and your daughter's been raped and killed.

 

by andydougan
4-10-05
Wow! Look over there! It's Academy Award-winner Russell Crowe!
Who?
You know, the shit one out of The Quick and the Dead.
Oh yeah! He seemed like a really nice guy in that film. Hey, let's get his autograph!
I hate eating in public. If anyone talks to me I'm going to cut their larynx out.
Now, dear. That's how you got your ass handed to you last time.

 

by andydougan
4-11-05
Excuse me, Mr Crowe? I was wondering if you could spare me an autograph. It's, uh, for my aborted son.
So I says "What do you mean Virgil's lyrical prowess surpassed mine in some respects? Haven't you ever heard of 30 Odd Foot of Grunts?"
Look, lady, could you fuck away off. I'm entertaining my wife with musings of weight.
Er, no! I'm willing to make the sacrifice! Why don't you talk to her instead? Preferably for several hours?
No offence, but your wife obviously correctly regards you as a waste of life. So how about that autograph?
That's it! I'ma autograph your dead skull!

Showing page 18.

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