All comics by CHUBBY

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
You have no authority here. I don't recognize you.
I'm Dubya!
I know who you are. I just don't recognize you.
Hey, what are you trying to do, set up an insanity defense?
"Order! Order!"
Scotch rocks for me and French horses for my men. See what the boys in the bathroom will have.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Aren't I entitled to a jury of my peers?
Why, do you know twelve other greedy despots?
No, just you.
Are you trying to show contempt for this court?
No, just you.
Your horror, I'm objectionable.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Are you going to give me a fair trial and then shoot me?
What makes you think you'll get capital punishment?
Are you kidding me? When you were governor of Texas, you execute so many people they replaced the electric chair with an electric sectional sofa! What am I charged with?
In America, diaperhead, a proposition is something we never, ever end a sentence with.
Oh. Excuse me. What am I charged with, ASSHOLE?

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Saddam, you stand before me accused of high crimes and misdemeanors.
Awright, I do that.
?

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
You are charged with 9/11!
I had nothing to do with 9/11.
Says who?
Says you!
Well, you can't believe anything I say.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
What about these Muslamic terhorsts? You know Al-Qaeda?
No.
Well, you know Jimmy Qaeda? Or any of the Qaedas?
No. Weren't you in cahoots with Al-Qahol?
Is that near Kennebunk?

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Weren't you in lieu with Osama Bin-Laden?
I would have nothing to do with him. Nor he with me. He is a Shi'ite.
Hehe, well, for once I agree with you there, but watch the salty language. Who do you think you are, "Dick" Cheney?
No, I mean we are of different sects.
Hey-- watch the S-word!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Osama Bin-Laden is a Shi'ite Muslim and I am a Sunni Muslim. You know Sunni Muslim?
No, but I know SUNY-Buffalo.
I no like that charge. I call the bank, they take it off my bill. Can I go home now? I want to see my boys, Uday and Qusay.
I guess I'm not the only world leader who doesn't read the paper.
No, I cancelled my subscription to the Baghdad BUGLE when the invasion started. All that moving around. And then I never resubscribed. What for? It's all bad news anyway.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
The charges are $100 million a day. No wait. You weren't democratically electorated. You've suspended civil rights. You discriminate against women and minorities.
You torture Iraqi political prisoners. You use your office to enrich yourself and your friends and family in the oil business. You invade sovereign nations without provocation...
Hey, that's not about me! It's about you!
Hehe, I knew it all the time!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Didn't you once want to assassinate my pappy?
Sure. Didn't you?
Hehe. More'n once, I reckon.
Actually, I try to assassinate you both.
Both?
Sure. You can't have an assassination without two asses.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Didn't you have WMD's?
I take the fifth.
Yeah, me too. This lawyerin' shore is thirsty work. Make it Crown Royal, and bring me the bag. I make 'em into puppets. Did you have killer viruses?
No, but we got killer weed, man. Iraqi gold. The best.
Awright, put me down for a nickel bag and meet me around back after the execution.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
I'm talking about state-sponsored anthrax-- state sponsored poison...
Ah, you craze. Red Bull sponsored Anthrax and Poison. I saw them live at Tikrit War Memorial Stadium. They really kicked ass, man!
I bet they blew the roof off the dump!
No, that was the B-52's.
Did you have nucular capabilities?
No, but we had nucular capabilities.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Don't change the subject! Didn't you have chemical weapons in 1983?
Sure.
Who sold 'em to you?
Donald Rumsfeld.
Hehe, you are crazy! Rummy's my Secretary of Defense!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Rummy defended my use of chemical weapons.
Didn't you use 'em to commit genocide?
Sure. We kill Jenna Bush, Jenna Welch, Jenna Jameson, Jenna Stern...
Awright, out of the gene pool!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
What about the Kurds?
Awright, I take a large order of fried cheese curds.
I mean, didn't you try to eliminate them? With gas?
Well, you don't want to be around me after I eat orange cheesy crunchy things.
One more outburst like that and I'll clear this courtroom!
If I eat orange cheesy crunchy things, you'll need to clear this courtroom!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
... and having explained my vision for this country and how I intend to achieve it, I hope you will vote for me and John Edwards on November 2. Thank you, and God Bless America.
Swift boats... only four months in Vietnam... lied about his war record... threw away medals... sensitive war on terror... terrorists will attack if he's elected... flip-flops... French...
I can't believe I'm losin' to this guy!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
My opponent only spent four months in Vietnam! He lied about his war record! He threw away his medals! He--
Hey. Asshole. Where do you get these fuckin' balls?
Do you buy these balls, do you rent these balls, do you find these balls behind a fuckin' dumpster?
Where do you get the balls to challenge my war record, you draft-dodging, deserting, drunk-driving, drug-using, half-witted pantywaist you?

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Hey, "Dick"! I know you have better things to do, but the fact is you've had nine student deferments and now it's time to draft your fat lily-white ass into the army, you slacker!
Haha, you can't! My wife is preggo!
So long, loser!
But "Dick", I'm a lesbo!
Thanks for taking one for the team, hom.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
While I'm gone, Johnny will be in charge. If anyone misbehaves, write his name on the board, Johnny.
Hey, ASS-croft! After school, you are a dead man!
After school...
You guys will pay for this!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
As you know, Johnny, your opponent in the student council presidential race died in an accident last week.
I guess that makes me a lock then, eh?
Well, no, actually, he still won in a landslide!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You guys will pay for this!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Myrtle Mae, can I stick my tongue in your mouth?
No, Johnny.
Why not? All the other boys do!
I think of you as a friend.
WHORE! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Anyone who commits treason should be severely punished!
We shouldn't even have to charge them or anything! Just lock 'em away forever. Or kill 'em.
But the Confederates were ok, I guess.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
,,,and one is five. I am thanking you very much.
That was a sawbuck I gave you!
No, it was a five. See?
You lying, thieving sand nigger!
YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!

 

by CHUBBY
9-18-04
What're you in here for?
Possession with intent.
Hey, me too! Not for very long, though. My pappy's a very rich, powerful man. He's gonna get my conviction sealed.
What's his name?
George Herbert Walker Bush. Hey, I'll introduce you. What's your name?
L. Danforth Quayle.

 

by CHUBBY
9-18-04
Dubya:
The war on terrorism is our #1 priority.
Meanwhile, at the FCC...
Mr. Powell, I've drafted those regs that will ban untraceable cell phones! This will really hit those terrorists where they live!
Never mind that... we have an unconfirmed report that an overnight DJ in Fumbuck, FL, said "booger" three years ago. Get down there and check it out immediately!

 

by CHUBBY
9-18-04
Saddam Hussein, in an address to the nation, says the US plans an unprovoked attack on Iraq.
Tariq Aziz, at the UN, presents proof that the US has nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons of mass destruction.
A UN resolution condemns Dubya as a "usurper" and the "power-mad dictator of a rogue state". It condemns him for suspending civil rights and violating the Geneva convention, and calls on him to resign

 

by CHUBBY
9-18-04
Dubya angrily refuses to resign, saying he was "electorated to do a job." Proclaiming "If you ain't with us, you're agin' us", he declares martial law and jails thousands, including 3 Dixie Chicks.
A UN force consisting of all nations but France and Japan invades and encounters only token resistance, as the US armed forces are all overseas policing intramural squabbles.
Saddam lands on the deck of a US aircraft carrier, and to a cheering crowd of sailors and marines, declares "Mission Accomplished" as Dubya and his thugs have scattered.

 

by CHUBBY
9-18-04
"Dick" Cheney loads Air Force 2 with gold bullion. Told by the pilot the plane is overweight, "Dick" shoots him and Second Lady Lynne. The co-pilot then flies the plane to an undisclosed location.
Colin Powell, in a homemade video, apologizes for his actions as well as those of Dubya and the US. After standing thru a recording of the National Anthem, he eats a 9mm breakfast.
Rummy is summarily executed by partisan forces. His bloated carcass is strung up along 395, to the amusement of beleaguered beltway commuters.

 

by CHUBBY
9-18-04
Karl Rove takes his expertise to work for the Hussein administration in Baghdad, which executes him in two weeks because his views are too reactionary.
Thos. Jefferson X, of Charlottesville, VA, Amtrak conductor and Civil War re-enactor, spots John Ashcroft on the train headed to Canada disguised as a woman.
A routine traffic stop in Nacogdoches nabs Condoleeza Rice, aboard a bus headed to Mexico, disguised as a woman.

 

by CHUBBY
9-18-04
The UN begins to withdraw its forces after restoring the presidency to Al Gore.
Dubya is captured in a spiderhole, disoriented and covered in his own filth. Sentenced to capital punishment, he cheats the hangman by choking to death on a pretzel he smuggled in his anal cavity.
A standoff at Stetson's, a trendy U Street club, ends when Dubya's twins die in a fierce firefight.

 

by CHUBBY
9-19-04
Hey, "Dick", at Yale they teach us to wash our hands after we pee!
Well at Harvard, they teach us not to pee on our hands!

 

by CHUBBY
9-19-04
TRUE STORY: Recently, Dubya went to St. Cloud, MN, and made a campaign stop at Dick Putz Field.
Isn't this sort of like bringing coals to Newcastle?

 

by CHUBBY
9-19-04
"A Brief History of Palestine"
There is no such thing as Palestine. There is no such thing as Palestinians. Never was. "Palestinians" are just the thieves, beggars, and grifters that even the other Arab countries don't want.
At a campaign stop in Fumbuck, WV, "Dick" Cheney said John Kerry is an "opportunist", called him "a rich white man out of touch with you commoners", and called Kerry's war record into question.
Also, Elizabeth Edwards is a big fatso.

 

by CHUBBY
9-19-04
Yassir Arafat, the Palestinians are revolting!
They sure are. A bunch of filthy, smelly grifters, beggars, thieves, and cutthroats. Yecch!
No, I mean they're staging a revolt. They say the Palestinian authority is riddled with corruption!
What about my three billion dollars?
Safe in a Swiss bank, sir.
What a country! I love it!

 

by CHUBBY
9-20-04
2002.
Dubya, why do you want to invade Iraq?
They have stockpiles of WMD's.
2003.
No stockpiles of wmd's have been foound. Why did you invade Iraq?
They had programs to build WMD's.
2004.
No evidence of WMD programs has been found. Why did you invade Iraq?
They had the intent to build WMD's.

 

by CHUBBY
9-20-04
Hi, I'm Dubya.
Shut up bitch, and bend over!
Dubya learns another meaning of the word "mandate" from his cellmate, Darnell.
I never knew it could be like this!

 

by CHUBBY
9-21-04
I call this "Lottie Isn't Feeling Well". "miss prudent jo hitchcock admire footfall dryden offsetting stupefy din kant nymphomaniac dramatic gender. algiers larch inquiry assist beardsley housework.
This one is for Stefan. "Your Invoce #469699". "otnoshneniya. Kogdaona pervyyraz, yperedi Dmitriya v storonku, tyanuli napereboy zdravstvuyte, Nadejda Sergeevna Kurilshtiki odin za drugim brosali."
Here's my last poem for the evening. "Get Regalis, Also Known as Superviagra". "Your mailer do not support html messages. Get a better mailer."

 

by CHUBBY
9-21-04
I have nothing against people who have emigrated to this country making it and buying their own businesses. That's what this country is all about.
Yes, I would like to make a reservation please.
A what?
But why, in the name of God and all that is holy, would someone who neither speaks nor understands the language get into a business that requires constant phone interaction on a daily basis?
I would like a room.
What?
And mind you, I speak the King's English, unaccented, loudly and clearly. What happens when somebody calls from Toadsuck, Arkansas?
ME. WANT. ROOM.
What?

 

by CHUBBY
9-21-04
Flight 175, come in. Do you read me?
Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up sniffin' glue.

 

by CHUBBY
9-23-04
Dubya has finally been put in prison, where he has made a new friend, Darnell.
Hey bitch-- toss my salad!
OK.
My pappy brought me some endive and mesclun greens. Do you have any croutons?

 

by CHUBBY
9-25-04
Oh, noooooooooo!!!!!
What's the matter?
Monica Lewinsky was seen in an ice cream parlor yesterday!
So? What possible difference could that make to you?
I have her in my Fantasy Diet League.

 

by CHUBBY
9-25-04
You know, Principal, it wouldn't kill you to have a salad.
Blow me, clown.
I take the fifth.
Yeah, me too. Make it Crown Royal, and bring me the bag. I make 'em into puppets.
Siddown, Dick. I want to have a looong talk with you.
Oh, shit.....

 

by CHUBBY
9-28-04
1988- I didn't gamble. 1992- I didn't gamble on baseball.
1997- I gambled on baseball, but not the Reds. 1999- I gambled on the Reds, but not to lose. 2003- I gambled on the Reds to lose, OK?
2015- I killed JFK, RFK, and MLK 2023- 9/11: My bad! 2038- I was solely responsible for "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-millionaire" 2040- I cast deciding vote in Bush v. Gore.

 

by CHUBBY
9-30-04
Mr. Cheney?
Please, Dubya. Call me "Dick".
Hey, "Dick" (teehee), the Libyans are here. They're turning in their weapons of mass destruction.
Yeah, SFW? What are you telling me for?
They have the original receipts from Halliburton and they want their money back.

 

by CHUBBY
9-30-04
The hot line rings. .......... Ring.
Dubya. What? Have I checked on the polls? Hello?
Dubya. Hey, who is this? Hello?
Operator, what's the number for 911 again? You'll connect me? Thanks. Hey, 911, get it? Pretty cool. Hehe.
Hello, 911? Dubya here. Some joker keeps calling and he's all like, have you checked on the polls, and I'm all like, what, and he's all like, click, and whatnot. You'll trace the calls? Thanks.
Ring...........................Ring.........
Dubya. Hey, you, this call is being traced-- hello?
Dubya. Hey, listen-- oh it's you, 911 operator. (9/11-- hehe). What? The calls are coming from where? Inside the White House???

 

by CHUBBY
10-01-04
How can voters, after nine months, still be undecided? Is it that hard to choose between an upstanding decorated war hero who has devoted his life to public service...
and a venal, election-rigging, lying, thieving, draft-dodging, deserting, coke-sniffing, drunken-driving, smirking, incompetent baboon?
Next: The undecided voters polled! (And, boy, how I'd like to....)
I know that Dubya has brought the domestic and international situations to the brink of disaster, but I heard Kerry changed his mind once!
Sure, Dubya is the embodiment of evil-- but Kerry's French!

 

by CHUBBY
10-01-04
The undecided voters in swing states will decide this election and the future of the country. Who are they, you may well ask? They could be people you meet on the street...at McDonald's...
Which way, left or right? Hmmm...
Fries? Huh. Never thought of that. And then should I go for the supersize, or what?
in the checkout-- or your own home!
Paper, plastic-- I dunno. Is there a difference?
I have no idea what to wear today.
Some are even ex-presidents!
Pappy, come on, you're holding up the other voters! What's taking you so long?
Shut up, Dubya. I'm thinking it over!

 

by CHUBBY
10-01-04
Jay Leno has announced that he will retire from the TONIGHT SHOW-- in five years.
Leno is known in showbiz as nothing if not a man of his word...
...and he has other contractual obligations in 2009!
It wasn't enough that you steal the TONIGHT SHOW away from Letterman! Oh, no, you had to sell your soul to be number one! Take him away, and make him watch Carrot Top videos for all eternity!

 

by CHUBBY
10-01-04
NBC has announced Conan O'Brien will host the TONIGHT SHOW after Jay Leno steps down in 2009.
How did this young man rocket to the top of the heap in showbiz? A combination of luck, skill, talent, drive... and powerful contacts.
1992.
Are you kidding me? The Tonight Show gig for your soul? You know you're just a writer for cartoons, right? OK, look, there's a guy ahead of you, but you can have the job in 2009. Deal?
I'll also need a hot wife.

 

by CHUBBY
10-01-04
Good evening, and welcome to Faux News Network's coverage of the presidential debates. With me as always, is Ferdie. Any words of wisdom?
Thanks, Mort. Well, Dubya clearly the winner tonight! He stayed on message, he got his points across, he really showed something to those security moms. Kerry just flip-flopped the whole debate.
Uh, the debate hasn't taken place yet.
We can edit that out, can't we?

Showing page 2.

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