All comics by TooMuchCoffeeGuy

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Good work my minions! Our work here nears completion! Soon we move on to Nevada, Colorado and Kansas! We will divide and conquer!
Damn Aussies. Toomy forgot Utah.
It's only Utah, fuck 'em.

 

Meanwhile...
help... me... i'm... dying...
urk.
Three days later
Alright! A dead guy with his pants down! Score!

 

The Robotic legion pushes ever Eastward from Los Angeles.
You'd better call me like you promised...
No dice. You will die!
Crushing every human in their path.
Where do I put the money in?
I am not a Poker Machine! Die Flesh-Bag
Some put up very little resistance.
Heavenly father will save us!
No, you're pretty much fucked.

 

Back in L.A.
Hey sailor. Looking for a good time? $20 for my buddy here.
I don't know, he looks kind of decomposed and fly covered.
What? Haven't you seen "Weekend at Bernie's"? He's fine.
Is that a maggot coming out of his nostril?
Alright, how about $30, I'll do him, and you can watch and jack off?

 

I need more units to complete my conquest.
Hurk-Urghhk *FART-Plop, Plop, Plop*
Deep within Vision's bowel.
We just got an order for 2000 more units.
Alright, you get some wing nuts, I'll get the Ex-Lax.

 

Soldiers came and died.
Soon all of North America had fallen.
Only Canada stood between Vision and global domination.
Well chaps, it looks like we're fucked.

 

Just as success seemed imm... imminet. Immint. Inevitable!
Sir we've hit a snag.
What? No! Nothing can go wrong!
Sir something has been killing our robot army. Even Pikmen warriors are disappearing.
I'd better check this out.
Shortly after...
What's in there?
We don't know. Nothing comes out of there intact. I made it to the door, and barely came away alive.

 

I'm going in.
Alright! I'm here you bastards! Come get me.
What the FUCK are YOU doing here?
Hey baby.

 

How! You're dead! I saw Toomy molesting your lifeless corpse.
You've forgotten me already???
P2KD2?!? But Pika's Crabs infested your system? You should be dead?!? What have you done to my robots?!?!?
Your failure was your own genius. You made me too much like Pika. Now I keep the Crabs as pets.
And my robots?!?
Yeah, baby, yeah.

 

Such destruction. Why? Why must I fail! Yet another scheme thwarted!
It was perfect, the Pikmen armies, the robots, everything... now all dead.
One of these days I WILL succeed. With GOD as MY WITNESS I WILL FUCK PFF, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!

 

I've got my manager breathing down my back, I'm three weeks from settlement on buying my house, I'm completely out of sick leave,
It's busy as hell at work and doesn't look like it'll let up for at least a month.
The only good thing I have going is that VOI hasn't tried to fist by butt in the last week.
Slowly...

 

Oh, yes, that's it, Larry is trying to tap out and submit, understandable desperation really, as his eyeball has just popped clear out of his head!
Jim, also in trouble, is turning BLUE, as we see the handlers from the Melbourne Zoo getting ready to tranquilize Coco, just as soon as the 2 men are finished off!
Well there, we have it Julie, Coco wins his sixth fight, and for the second time will be crowned the PFC's, "Champion, of the Cube".
Such a superb show of superior athleticism, it's no wonder that Coco, is number 1.
He truly is the people's champion.
So stay with us folks, we will have the highlights just after this message from our sponsor, and finish off with an interview Coco's trainer.

 

Why is it that all Final Fantasty females look to be about 12 years old? Is it that hard to get the art to look normal?
For that matter even the male characters look like 12 year old girls.
*Click*
Fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap...

 

The following day at work...
Oh, sweet Tidus! I can resist your soft boy-flesh no longer!
*Click*
Fapfapfapfapfapfap...
*Click*
Jim?!? What the hell do you think you're doing?!?

 

Dammit Jim, what have I told you about going onto FinalFantasy.com during work?
Uhhh...
Is that Lulu again?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, it was Lulu...
For Christ's sake, at least do up your fly so it looks like you're not going to go back to that when I leave.
Alright, but only if you wipe the drool from your mouth, so we can at least pretend you're not going to watch when I do.

 

Dammit Jim?!? Twice in one day?
*Zip*
Don't tell me it's still Tidus?
Tidus? What? No! It really was Lulu, see!
Why is it a close up of her moogle?
Uhhh... I must have bumped it over from her breasts?

 

Step out of the car please sir.
What seems to be the problem officer?
Sir, please slowly remove your penis from the doll and hand it to me.
I was only petting it, I swear.
You're fine sir, but I'm going to have to book the doll for prostitution. Move along.

 

I hate it when Dragonis wants to fight.
That was fighting? I thought it was foreplay. That's why I joined in, I was hoping for a three-way...
You need help.... lots of help....
Yeah baby, you know the help I need...
Toomy, that's just sick. You really need Doctor Phil's help.
Hey, whatever floats your boat. He can join in too if you really want. But I draw the line at Oprah.

 

The following series of comics are based on real products.
Wow this company actually sells washable menstrual pads.
I have seen the products and they can be viewed on their website: http://www.moonpads.com.au/
They also have menstrual cups called "The Keeper", that looks like a plunger.
These people are freaks…
Now I know EXACTLY what to get my mother-in-law for her birthday...

 

The following series of comics are based on real products.
Hmm… The passion mat.
I have seen the products and they can be viewed on their website: http://www.moonpads.com.au/
"A 50x60cm mat to trap the juices produced during coital activities."
These people are freaks…
Now if I can just find where Milky keeps hers, I can stop sniffing these panties I took off her clothesline.

 

MoonPads customer service, how may I help you?
Hi, I just wanted to give you some positive feedback on the "Passion Mat"
My wife sprays like a hose, so after sex it's so soaked it's just like a Slip 'n' Slide.
The kids love it!

 

MoonPads customer service. How may I help you?
Uh, yeah, hi. I was hoping you could tell me how to remove a Passion Mat from my ass.
I fell asleep afterwards, and when I woke up it had dried and hardened, and all the little hairs are stuck inside.
I would recommend using our all natural solvent distilled from after-birth juices.
Industrial solvents it is!

 

Merry Christmas honey! You're growing up to be a young lady now, so I bought you a very special present.
Is it a training bra?
No, I bought you the MoonPads Young Women's pack! You can be mature and still save paying the Goods and Sales Tax from regular menstrual pads.
I hate you.

 

Hey, nice top. Is it new?
Not exactly.
It used to be white.
Oh no! What happened? Did you leave a pair of socks in your whites or something?
No, it was one of Mum's MoonPads.

 

"The Moon Pouch- A discrete purse with waterproof lining."
"Convenient for the woman on the move. Holds two pads in separate pockets."
Hey, I could put my sandwiches in one pouch, and leave my dirty pad in the other!

 

Hey, Ron?
Can I borrow a few dollars to get a sandwich from the vending machine?
Why? Did you forget to bring your lunch?
No I accidentally put it in the wrong section of my Moon Pouch.
Here, you can have mine, I won't be eating for a while.

 

Here, I'll pay for lunch.
Actually, would you mind paying today?
Why? What's wrong?
Well, I just hope my Moon Pouch is covered by some sort of warranty.

 

Hey I just swiped some lady's handbag!
Alright! I hope there's some cash in there!
Alright we've got a...
@_@
Blurrrggghhhh!
@_@

 

What do you do when your girlfriend makes comics that aren't funny?
Do you tell her they're not funny and risk upsetting her, or do you lie right to her face, despite the fact that it goes against your principles?
Uh... just do whatever you have to do to get into her panties.
Nah, too much foreplay.
I'll do it!

 

Tequila! More Tequila! Oh, hey Mum.
What the hell are you doing?!?!
We're drinking slammers from these little rubber shot glasses.
Those aren't shot glasses, they're my keepers!?!
Really? Tequila and Menstrual Blood. We've gotta name this bad-boy!

 

You will sleep with Vision. You will sleep with Vision. You will sleep with Vision.
You will sleep with Vision. You will sleep with Vision. You will sleep with Vision.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm super-imposing my voice over the Shrek soundrack, to make a "Mixed tape" for Pff.

 

It was nice of VOI to make me a tape.
I saw her face, now I'm a... *SCREEE* Noisiv htiw peels lliw uoy, Noisiv htiw peels lliw uoy...
Noisiv htiw peels lliw uoy, Noisiv htiw *SCREEEE*, doof akip gnirb lliw ouy, doof akip gnirb lliw ouy...
Hello?
Sreknaw citehtap das uoy neppah ot gniog ton!!!

 

Milky suicided? God dammit! I was *this* close to getting her to sleep me.
Does anyone know if the corpse is still fresh?

 

Milky suicided? God dammit! I was *this* close to getting her to sleep me. Hey, maybe the corpse is still fresh!
Damn it VOI, you know I hate sloppy seconds.
I wiped her out as best as I could, but some of the cavities were hard to reach.

 

Alright, it'll have to do, but I'm going to remember this, and if pff dies and I find out before you do, it's payback time!
That's just mean.
Oh well, I can still laugh when he finds out I used his toothbrush to clean her.

 

VOI, what have you done to my toothbrush? It tastes funny.
I used it to clean the depths of Milky's corpse's vaginal cavities.
*Click*
Fapfapfapfapfap...
Fapfapfapfapfap...

 

Ever used a telescope?
I used a telescope earlier this summer.
I was surprised on how clear Saturn's rings are with one.
I didn't know you were into astronomy.
No, Saturn- that chick that works at the tattooist's down on the corner. She lives over the street and often leaves her blinds open when she's getting dressed.

 

Yeah, I know how to fight, I do Boxing.
I practice Yoga and Crane style Kung-Fu.
Wow, so you can, like, grab people's tongues, reach around behind them, twist your body around itself, and pull their tongue out of their ass?
Yeah, but I haven't had the chance yet.
So far all that's happened is that I've had to be surgically removed from two arcade machines trying to get at the stuffed animals.

 

Ha ha! I kicked your ass wench! Now, you're one of my vassals!
Justin, I know it's hard without your Ritalin, but the chemist won't be open until Monday.
Make me a sandwich, whore!
One more word and I get the cuffs. Do you want to spend the afternoon in the box?
...

 

I'll give you $50 for a blowjob.
Yeah, I'll bite.
It's only Monopoly money though…
That'll do. I've had a game going with my little brother for the last fortnight.
That's one fifth of a hotel, Baby!

 

I'm getting a little jealous. So far Pff and even Starry have had comic series made about things in their ass.
Vision gets to have robot legions and armies of Pikmen coming out of his ass.
My ass just doesn't get the attention it deserves.
Look, you know I have a headache, there's no need to pout.

 

Sir, the Jesus army approaches.
What's your estimate?
It looks to be 3 Squadrons of StormPriests, and close to 500 Jesus Droids. They're led by General Luciveers.
Looks like we'll have to abandon the North Pole base. Prepare the evacuation.
But Sir, we can't possibly get all the equipment out.
Leave the heavier equipment, focus getting the Reindeer, Presents and Repeater Assault Cannon out safely.

 

Sir, we're almost at the base.
Excellent. Take on squadron of StormPriests and 100 Crucibots. Target the Main generator.
Sir, are you sure that's wise. It runs on Candy Canes.
Hmmm... Perhaps you're right. Make sure to power up all deflector shields.
Molten Treacle is a shit of a thing to get out of a uniform.

 

Dig in troops, here they come. Watch the flanks. We have to give the transports time to get away.
Protect the Ion cannon at all costs!
*The first transport is away. The first transport is away*
Hooray!
Christmas is saved!
*Enemy troops have reached the first marker. Enemy troops have reached the first marker*
We're all going to die!
Christmas is Doomed!

 

For hours the battle raged.
Kill all humans!
Roger roger.
Both sides took heavy losses.
Sir, we've lost nearly half of our StormPriests.
Fuck 'em. They're only Christians.
Ultimately the North Pole base fell to the vile Christian Empire.
Sir, the North Pole is ours. Santa has fled the system.
Excellent. Now the children will receive only bibles as presents. Let the worship commence!

 

Sir, we've successfully evacuated our forces. We took heavy losses, but we should still be at 80% operational capacity.
And your brother? Did he get out in the Milennium Sleigh?
Yes, he's going to rendezvous after he visits Dagobah.
What's he doing in Dagobah?
Visiting our uncle Larry. He's been living there pretending to be an old Jedi master for a while now, fucking with the apprentices.
Ah, that Larry. What will he do next? Ha ha ha.

 

Meanwhile, on Dagobah.
Uncle Larry! How've you been?
Good, good. Oh crap, hide behind that tree, here comes my "apprentice".
Master I have waxed your car and painted your fence. What must I do next to help me master the Force?
Uhhh... Stand on your head for 2 hours, and focus on levitating those rocks over there. Then get started on dinner.
Wow, you really CAN make them do anything!
Yeah! It's not just chores either, last week I made one eat a dog turd, vomit it back up, and eat the vomit!

 

Echo Base, the North Pole.
Sir, we are unable to find any clues as to Santa's destination.
Continue the search. Launch more probe droids. They must be found!
Home One, somewhere in space.
We're approaching the rendezvous point now, Sir.
Good. Arrange a meeting of the war council. We have to establish another base of operations.
The planet Dagobah, the Dagobah system.
What now master?
Continue licking my balls. I'll think of something else in a minute.

 

Gentlemen, we have to face facts. Echo Base is lost, and we have to set up another base immediately.
If we don't, then we won't have time to get our products in the stores in time for Christmas.
Our contracts will be under threat from Kenner, Fischer Price, even the people who make those fucking Sylvanian Families things could get in our action.
Those bastards.

 

Sir, our Bothan spies have found a potential location for our new base. It's a planet in the Pika system.
The Pika system? What's the planet called?
Dethsrectum. It's far out enough that the Empire aren't likely to have anyone there.
What's it like? Any beaches, sun, pristine scenery?
Sorry Sir, it doesn't look like it.
Another shit-hole, eh? Well, make preperation to depart for the Pika system!

Showing page 2.

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