All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
5-11-03
This will happen at work tomorrow...
Well, I'm a Mormon, and I raised all my boys to be good Mormons with strong moral values.
I wish she'd shut up.
It's nice to be superior.
Hmmm, should I tell her that I saw her middle son on Saturday night in Pacific Beach...
Mormon Mormon Mormon Mormon
...stumbling in front of my headlights, and so obviously drunk, he couldn't crush the beer can he just dropped?

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-03
I didn't see you in church this morning.
I have better things to do on my knees than pray.
Pardon my French, but you're a real pain in the ass.
It's not my fault you keep running out of lube.

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-03
When I drink, I go both ways. Get it? BOTH WAYS??? Oh, I need another beer...or a woman...or a man...hey, where are you going?

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-03
So how long do you expect to be up there?
Three days or so, if they don't stab me sooner.
You think you'll be needing that cross after they take you down?
Not at all, why?
Some spooks moved next door and I was hopin' me and my friends could burn it on their lawn.

 

by choadwarrior
5-11-03
So, why don't you take me up in that spaceship of yours...
and give me one of those anal probes I hear so much about?
Hmmm, can we start over, but this time you pretend you don't want it?

 

by choadwarrior
5-12-03
Hey, How did you end up in Heaven?
I died for everyone's sins.
I paid my bills on time.
I blew myself up.
I kept my mouth shut.
I excelled at a job nobody else wanted.
I'm not supposed to tell, but it involves a ping-pong ball, a stack of quarters, and the Pope.

 

by choadwarrior
5-12-03
Anything to drink?
I want a water with lemon.
I'm sorry, the lemons are just for iced tea.
If I don't get a lemon for my water, I'm never going to eat here again.
Yes, we will all miss going out of our way to make you feel better about your free beverage.

 

by choadwarrior
5-13-03
Oh my god, I just ate $53 worth of sushi.
How did you do that?
I was going down the menu, and everthing looked good so I just ordered a ton without realizing it.
No, I mean how did you cram that much raw fish and rice down your gullet?
I dunno, I guess my stomach is bigger than my eyes.

 

by choadwarrior
5-13-03
The things he makes me do for him...
I mean, who makes their best friend perform tricks for food?
He's totally taking advantage of me...
This is the last time, and I mean it...
Then again, I loooooove peanut butter.
Good dog...let me smear it on and I'll be right back.

 

by choadwarrior
5-13-03
Is this the Heston residence?
I think so.
Mr. Heston, the Democrats sent me here to take your guns.
Why you?
Something you said awhile ago about your cold, dead hands.
Damn, alzheimers is a bitch.

 

by choadwarrior
5-13-03
You'll have to make an appearance in court.
Do you think I can get off?
Okay, follow me, we can use my handcuffs.

 

by choadwarrior
5-13-03
Dude! Your furry suit rocks.
My name is Karl. Is this your first Furry Convention?
Glad to meet you. I'm Steve, and yes, this is my first Anthro-con
Hop in my pouch and ride me, Steve.
'Bout time--I've been here for twenty minutes.

 

by choadwarrior
5-13-03
Hey, I just wanted to thank you Karl, for my first furry sex experience.
You're welcome, Steve. I had a good time.
Hey, does this make me gay?
You are no more gay than you are bunny.
That's what I tried to tell my dad.

 

by choadwarrior
5-14-03
What pet name do you have for your genitals?
The resurector
The Gates of Venus
Sir Probes-a-lot
Anything but pussy.
Mr. Gacy...I mean, Mr. Happy
Loretta

 

by choadwarrior
5-14-03
I still can't believe you ate $53 worth of sushi.
At least the asian chick who packaged my order was polite about it.
By not laughing when she handed it to you?
No, by giving me three sets of chopsticks.

 

by choadwarrior
5-14-03
As your eternal torture, you will be pressed under glass and served at Chinese restaurants over and over and over.
That isn't very creative...what else you got?
From now on, people when people make duck noises, they will say , "AFLAC" in Gilbert Gottfried's voice.
Oh, Christ.

 

by choadwarrior
5-14-03
Hello, sir, I am selling candy to help keep kids off the streets.
I don't understand.
Well, the money we earn goes to programs that provide activities for teens...
And how do they keep kids off the streets?
They take us off our streets and drop us off on yours to sell candy.
Thats what I thought.

 

by choadwarrior
5-14-03
Say it.
No, it's too obvious.
C'mon...
Everybody's heard that joke, it's not even funny anymore.
SAY IT!
Any cock'll do.

 

by choadwarrior
5-14-03
The two Asian girls act out my favourite childhood cartoon
Ancient Chinese secret
How do you get your clothes so clean, Mr. Lee?
We need more Calgon!
Stupid cunt
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

 

by choadwarrior
5-15-03
Look, just cuz yer my boss don't mean you know what yer doin. What makes you think you know how to do my job better'n I do?
Well, at Wharton, I did my thesis on assessment of technological competencies and formulation of strategies for high-technology market venture creation and growth.
So just cuz you went to college you think yer better'n me?
I thought that's what I just said. I'll try to talk down to your level next time.

 

by choadwarrior
5-15-03
I understand you think I lack credibility since I haven't actually worked in a factory, so I've brought in a consultant.
Oh, great, another college boy on my back.
She has no college degree, but she's worked in factories her entire life. She's just like you, except motivated.
You work or no rice ball!

 

by choadwarrior
5-16-03
I'm going out to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for dinner tonight.
I heard a steak at Ruth Chris's costs $90.
Their menu at Ruth's Chris is pricey, but it's worth it--the steaks there are incredible.
I can't see myself ever going to a Ruth Chris's and spending that much on a meal.
If you call it Ruth Chris's one more time, I'm going to fire you.

 

by choadwarrior
5-16-03
Are you going to be long? I have to piss like a racehorse.
I just have to pee, I'll be right out.
Hurry up! What's taking you so long?
I'm done, I just have to wash my hands.
The employees at Rubio's handle fish tacos all day, and they don't wash their hands after each one.

 

by choadwarrior
5-16-03
You're my favourite action figure.
I'm not an action figure, I'm a doll.
No, action figures are for boys, dolls are for girls.
It's okay, dude, your parents wouldn't buy you dolls if they didn't already know you are gay.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
Father, I've been having impure thoughts.
It is a sin to be lustful.
I keep having this fantasy of being deflowered by a much older, possibly bald, man.
Would you like me to help you purge those sinful thoughts?
Yes.
I'll be on you like white on rice.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
Johnny, soon you will notice changes in your body...
For example, your voice will deepen, and you will have hair where you never had it before.
What are you saying?
I've found someone else.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
Ashley, what have I told you about wearing your skirt too high?
That I look like a little whore.
Yes, I'm afraid I'll have to paddle you to teach you a lesson.
Okay, but harder this time.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?
Is this the Home of the Whopper?
Yes.
And is your Whopper big, thick, meaty, juicy, and covered with a creamy special sauce?
Yes, would you like to order one?
No, I have to go jerk off now.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
I'm really excited about this new job. I'm going to work really hard and try to fit in.
You realize you aren't wearing any pants, right?
Hey, you all have your definition of business casual, I have mine.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
On behalf of my clients, we seek exclusive worldwide licensing rights to your name and likeness.
For what purpose, my child?
The usual--to gouge the poor, control governments, justify wars, etc.
And what do I get in return?
We propose that upon my clients' death, you won't have to let the bastards into Heaven.
Done.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
Welcome to my church, we offer salvation to all who accept Jesus as their lord and savior.
Oh, bless you, dear.
Our fee is 10% of your income.
But I live on Social Security, I can't afford to give you that much.
Stop jerkin' me around, lady, do you want to die and spend eternity in Hell or not?

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
Hey, Jesus, you've been up there a long time, can I get you a drink of water?
Bless you, please.
To reward your kindness, I shall grant you one wish.
I guess I should have been more specific.
I hope he has a big one.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
Just like you, Jesus, I love the little children. All the children of the world.
Red and yellow? Black and white?
Whatever. They're all pink on the inside.

 

by choadwarrior
5-17-03
I really don't appreciate how you treat me.
What do you mean?
Well, like in that last meeting, you kept interrupting me. It's so disrespectful. You're unprofessional and I don't appreciate it.
And I don't appreciate having to stare at your middle-aged camel toe all day. Jeez, get some looser fitting jeans why don't ya?

 

by choadwarrior
5-18-03
So tell me about this furry fetish again.
I like to dress up in plush costumes, pretend I'm the animal, and have sex with other men, preferably also in furry costumes.
Thank you.
For what?
For the first time in my life, I feel normal.

 

by choadwarrior
5-18-03
Kum ba yah, my Lord, kum ba yah...
Yeah, I hate that song too.

 

by choadwarrior
5-19-03
My husband seems to spend a lot of time out in the garage.
Except to eat or sleep, he's never in the house. I can't understand why he's always out there. I was hoping to get your take on it.
I'd say he hasn't learned how to effectively tune you out like I have.
He'll come back in when he starts to lose his hearing.

 

by choadwarrior
5-19-03
Well, I'm not going to let this go. A husband should spend time with his family, not hiding in the garage, sneaking beers.
Tonight, I'm going to go out there and hang out until he tells me why he'd rather sit in a dark, dirty garage all night instead of inside our house with me and the kids.
If he closes the door and starts your cars, don't fight the urge to fall asleep.

 

by choadwarrior
5-20-03
So God killed you when someone masterbated, huh?
Yeah, what's up with killing kittens? How come he can't make people blind or give them hairy palms like he used to?
Perhaps he's cutting humans some slack because cats have nine lives.
Goddamn circle jerks.

 

by choadwarrior
5-20-03
What's wrong, Karen?
I'm feeling not so fresh. In fact, Dan broke up with me because he said I have a stinky pussy.
Oh, you have to go home and take care of that shit.
This isn't the first time I've lost a boyfried because of my stinky pussy--I'm going to get rid of this problem permanently.
When you hear the tablets drop in the water, wait five seconds and take a deep breath--you'll go quicker that way.

 

by choadwarrior
5-20-03
What pet name do you have for your partner's genitals?
Seven of Nine
Anaconda
Friskies Buffet
Crusty tube sock
Hatchet wound
The glory hole

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-03
This is the best gift ever. Are you a wise-cracking robot like Rosie on the Jetsons, or Twiki on Buck Rogers?
No, I'm a sex-bot, like Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner.
You don't look anything like Daryl Hannah.
I can be re-programmed to play chess.
Just remember to turn on my self-clean cycle every now and then. It ain't pretty when I get backed up.

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-03
Don't get me wrong, I like being a sex-bot, but honestly, humans can be so frustrating sometimes.
Yeah, so insensitive. And they never care about our needs.
Just once, I'd like to have sex with someone who treated me like an equal.
So....have you ever thought about...you know...um...other robots?
Whoa...I may have my issues, but I'm definitely hetero.
Sigh.

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-03
Look, I really wish you'd stop calling yourself a doll. For my sake, can't you call yourself an action figure?
I'm comfortable with who I am, and I'm not going conform to some label society has branded on me.
You need to come to terms with who you are, and you'll be much happier.
And just who do you think I am?
A boy who plays with dolls.

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-03
It says here that serial killers tend to be male, white, 25 to 34 years old, lower to middle class, intelligent, charming and charismatic.
Fascinating.
You know what else they have in common?
What?
They all started out small.

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-03
So tell me, what do you do all weekend, you never tell us.
I'm writing a screenplay.
REALLY??? What is it about?
How working with a bunch of pre-menopausal women is hell because they're all on the same menstrual cycle.
Aww, c'mon, I thought you bitches love period films.

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-03
See, television is all part of the Jew conspiracy to control the world.
Jews such as Michael Eisner run Hollywood, so they only allow programs on TV that support their Jew philosophies.
Coming up next on ABC...the Country Music Awards!!!
Nevermind.

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-03
The employees are threatening to strike. I want you to take care of it for me.
What do you want me to do?
Bring their leader back to me...
Ummmkay
FLY, MONKEY, FLY!!!
I knew he was a "Friend of Dorothy."

 

by choadwarrior
5-22-03
Will you sign our petition to keep Starbucks from moving into our neighbourhood?
We're trying to send them the message that we don't want their corporate coffee.
So the message is that you prefer coffee made by employees who earn lower wages, and have no benefits or opportunities for advancement?
I think the 23 people who signed our petition in the last week would see it differently than you.
And how many of them are named "I.P. Freely?"

 

by choadwarrior
5-22-03
Do you wanna play "Buddy Cop Movie?"
How do you play that?
I'll be the by-the-book rookie, you'll be the loose-cannon veteran. You make wise-cracks, violate suspects' civil rights, and shoot a lot of people.
What else do I have to do?
After turning in your shield and gun to our black captain who is getting pressured by the mayor, you have to avenge my death.
Sounds like a blockbuster.

Showing page 2.

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