All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
1-21-02
Golly, Jesus, you sure made short work of those legionnaires!
It was nothing, young Peter. I just turned the other cheek and let their inertia do the rest.
So where are we heading now?
I'm not sure. We could go to Bethlehem for a bit, see how John the Baptist is doing...
...or we could find ourselves in a life-and-death struggle with Caesar's Blue Knight.
Have at thee, Jesus!

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
All right, Jesus, I'll leave, but I'll be back! And next time you won't be so lucky!
Go in peace, my son.
Nice work, J.C. Where to now?
I'm a little tired. I understand that there's an inn a few miles up the road where we could get some sleep.
Isn't that the brothel where Mary Magdalene works?
Coincidence. Sheer coincidence.

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
Greetings, my friends!
Well, if it isn't the son of God. How's it hanging, J.C.? Oh...sorry, poorly worded question.
I forgive you, Mary Magdalene. So are you, uh, busy tonight?
I'm afraid so. This is the night that a gang of legionnaires usually busts in, drinks all the beer and forces us to commit unspeakable acts.
What do you mean "usually?"
They went bowling last week.

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
Special Guest Star: Bruce Campbell!
Turn back, legionnaire! Tell Caesar these women are no longer his!
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about, Mr. King of the Jews?
You give me no choice. By the power of Yahweh... I....HAVE... THEPOWERRRRRR!!!
Your parlor tricks don't scare me, Je--
It is done. Praise be to God.
Why...why do I feel so short?

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
Well, I don't think you'll be having any more trouble from them, Mary.
Way to go, Jesus! How can I ever repay you?
Oh, I merely serve the Lord. No thanks are necessary.
Aw, come on, there must be something I can do...
Uh...do you have any more of that foot balm?
I've been warming it up all day.

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
Today is Martin Luther King Day. In observance of this great man and his works, there will be no stereotypes in today's comics.
*cough*bitchass muthafuckas.
HEY!

 

by deucepm
1-22-02
Hollywood Video, 1/21/02, approximately 4:15 pm.
Hey, let's rent this.
I don't know...didn't we see this?
Did we? I don't remember. What's it about?
Uh...you know...about this guy...what's it called again?
"Memento."
Maybe we DIDN'T see it.

 

by deucepm
1-22-02
Good evening, and welcome to "Sucky Sucky Fi' Dollah," the show that gently explores today's issues like the soft caress of a tongue against your man-staff.
Today we're discussing the fact that K-Mart has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, endangering thousands of American jobs.
True enough, asiangirl2, but on the other hand, K Mart was fined several times for overcharging customers at the registers. Some might say this is simply its karma coming full circle.
What of the families that will now suffer as a result of this bankruptcy? Is this their karma, or were they cruelly used by the higher-ups?
I have no idea. But I've never found you to be sexier than you are right now. Let's go home and do wicked things to each other with ballpeen hammers.
Your point is well taken, my sapphic companion. Join us next time on "Sucky Sucky Fi' Dollah," when we will probably be derailed like this again.

 

by deucepm
1-22-02
The world famous poet takes the stage and surveys his audience. Ah, they are a bright-eyed lot, clearly here to let his verse wash over them.
He takes a deep breath, allowing the anticipation to build. The tension is almost unbearable. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, they are under his spell.
But will he be rushed into performance? He most certainly will n--
DO SOME LIMERICKS!

 

by deucepm
1-23-02
Date me, Grace?
I've got mace!
Hope erased.
Shave your face!
Burma Shave! Ace!
ALL YUOR BASE!

 

by deucepm
1-23-02
Okay. Let's stay calm. There is nothing lurking in the closet that wants to attack you.
Your mom checked. Your dad checked. There are absolutely no horrible creatures in the closet that want to molest the hell out of you. Not in the closet.
It's moved under the bed.
RRRARRRGH! SURPRISE!

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
Well, it's official. Kaufman hates our guts. Clearly, our only choice is sweet death. Meet me in the garage with a hose.
Au contraire. We shall win his love by learning his special interests and showing that we share them. To his home page!
Due to illness, the part of the PC will be played by boom1.
...the fuck is orienteering?

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
So this is the list of kaufman's interests? What's it mean?
Beats me. I recognize the words "Grateful" and "Dead," but that's about it.
I dunno, man. After seeing this, I don't know that I particularly WANT to win this guy's love.
Well, hey, it could be worse.
How?
His home page might be a blog.

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
Okay. You start.
Right. *ahem* Why hello there, Indy Rock Pete. I just got back a Weird Al Yankovic concert. How are you?
Just fine! In fact, I just got back from analyzing some learning strategies! I analyzed the HELL out of 'em!
That's nothing! I just took a class on multistrategy learning while listening to a Grateful Dead album!
You know, if I ever meet somebody who's creating an integrated tool for education and research in machine learning, I'll marry him!
I'm orienteering like a MOTHERFUCKER!

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
Knock knock.
I'LL GET IT!
What was it?
It was a messenger with a letter from kaufman.
Really? Did we win his love?
Sure. If by "win his love," you mean "are no longer allowed to come within 500 feet of him."

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
kaufman took out a restraining order against us? That sucks!
That's not all. There's a special message in here to me.
What does it say?
It says that when kaufman gets his hands on me, he's going to rip my arm off and shove it up...oh, wait.
What?
This isn't for me. It's addressed to someone named "deucepm."

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
*sigh* We are unloved comic characters. Even Doctor Pedantic is more loved than we.
There's only one thing left to do.
You mean...?
Yeah. C'mon.
HA HA HA! STUPID BLUEFISH!
*sob* If only I had vocal cords to reply to their taunts...why? WHY?!

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
Well, hello there, Skippy.
GAH!
Kaufman! Are you here to deliver a terrible vengeance for the "Hard Sell" series of strips?
I was thinking about it, but when I saw that you posted part 4 nine, count 'em, NINE times, I figured you had enough problems.
Would you believe I was starting the race for strip #60000?

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
I told you before, Hannibal, B.A. don't fly on no fool plane!
Oh, of course, B.A. Here. Have a ham sandwich.
Well,all right. B.A. sure does love a ham sand--
THUD
ZZZZZZ...
Get him into the plane. Oh, and take off his pants and lube him up. I love it when a plan comes together...

 

by deucepm
1-24-02

 

by deucepm
1-24-02
No, it's not a pay phone...IT'S A PORTABLE PHONE!!!
No, it's not the Challenger...IT'S A FLAMING PILE OF DEBRIS!!!
No, that's not a skin growth...IT'S A MUTATION FROM CHERNOBYL!!!
Shit.

 

by deucepm
1-25-02
Okay, welcome to the first day of filming for "Star Wars, Episode 2: Get Ur Freak On." Would everybody introduce themselves?
Hi. I'm Drew Barrymore, and I'll be playing Queen Amidala's very friendly lady in waiting, if ya know what I mean, and I think ya do.
I'm Jake Lloyd, and I'm making a cameo as Young Boba Fett. NOW THAT'S POD RACING!!
I'm Brad F'n Pitt, and I'll be playing an old friend of Monica's who has lost a lot of weight and wants revenge against Rachel.
Uh...great to have you here, Brad, but this isn't the set of Friends. It's Tunisia.
Oh. ...then can I play Salacious Crumb?

 

by deucepm
1-25-02
Mr. Lucas, I'm with Cinescape. Excuse the lack of pants. Now that you've dropped N Sync from Episode 2, are there any other cameos in store?
Yes, actually. "Episode 2: Journey To Planet Playtex" will feature a cameo by a dear friend...
...someone to whom I owe every iota of my success. Without him, I'd be writing spec scripts for "Farscape" right now.
So, Natalie Portman...you gonna tap that ass?
You know it. Now, while I'm gone, keep tormenting the damned. Oh, and where's that script for "Radioland Murders 2" I had you write?

 

by deucepm
1-25-02
Meesa feelin' pretty scared, Annie-kin!
Don't worry, Jar Jar. You go that way, I'll go this way. And watch out for attack droids!
Oh, oh, Jar Jar no be likin'-- AIIIIIEEE!
YOU BET YOUR ASS TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Verrrry original.
Oh, shut up! You knew this was coming!

 

by deucepm
1-25-02
Look, George...I don't know about the new guys.
Why? What's the problem?
Don't you think the wacky antics of two Imperial Engineers will take away from the main story?
Ewan, I've got two words. E. Woks. If the audience will put up with that, they can handle these two.
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves." And then the Emperor killed me.
Ha ha! ...wait, what the fuck are you talking about?

 

by deucepm
1-25-02
...Oh. It's you.
That's right. We're here for the cameos.
I suppose I always knew this day would come...the constant references, the seeming obsession with my work...
That's right. Time to pay the piper.
"Episode 2: Chasing Amidala," scene 42, take one. Action!
Snootch to the noonch, Anakin!
...

 

by deucepm
1-28-02
...and I just wanna thank Jesus for letting us get all the way to the NFC Championships!!
Oy.
Hey J.C., any chance you could do something about this Kurt Warner guy?
Now, now. I know he's annoying, but he is honoring my name. Why would I want to do anything about him?
Because I have big money on the Pats for next week and I wanna make sure I cover the vig.
You bet on the Pats?! BAH HA HA! You poor, deluded fool!

 

by deucepm
1-28-02
Doo-dee-doo...o/O Poetry in motion...now she's making eyes at-- o/O
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?!
Uh...
FOOL! YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME! YOU'RE USELESS! USELESS!
And so THAT'S why it's so important to study hard, son.
When are Mom and Dad coming home?

 

by deucepm
1-28-02
So.
Yeah.
That last comic.
Yeah.
The hell was--
Fuck if I know. Let's just try and move on.

 

by deucepm
1-28-02
TOBOR IS BEST HIDE-AND-SEEK PLAYER EVER.

 

by deucepm
1-29-02
Okay. This is VERY SIMPLE. The Spell Check is under the toolbar...
I dont HAVE ONE!!!!!
Yes...yes, you do. See, it's the bit at the top that says "File, Edit, View," and so on.
YOU STUPID!! I WILL CUM DOWN THER AN START RAPPING YOU!!
Mr. fuck, if you're going to become abusive, I'm not going to be able to help you.
SUCK ME OF LAMER!!! ha ha

 

by deucepm
1-29-02
Tech Support, can I help you?
Yeah. I've been looking for a permanent job since June and haven't found one yet. What gives?
You know what I do nowadays? I get up at FOUR A.M.--that's in the MORNING, son--get on the train, then get on the T, and ride into Boston. I pay $13 a day to get to a job that pays $300 a week.
I'm a college graduate. I've been hired before, for good jobs that require intelligence, which I've held down for years, and I can't even get an interview, so What. The. FUCK?!
Uh...I can't help you with that, but do you have any computer problems?
Yeah. How do you get dried semen out of a keyboard?

 

by deucepm
1-29-02
I'm sorry, your computer is out of warranty. If you want me to help you, it'll cost both your legs.
But--
"But?" Did you just say "but?" Now it's gonna cost your first born, all your worldly goods and a big sloppy blowjob.
I--
Listen, bitch, you don't seem to understand. I am your God now. Now if you want tech support, you're gonna have to give oral to my mom and dad while wearing a frog suit.
Was money even a possibility?

 

by deucepm
2-03-02
Are you tired? Cranky? Listless? Are you lonely? Depressed? Suicidal? Are you anxious? Overweight? Unloved? Or are you simply carrying around too much semen?
Why, I'm all those things and more!
Well, now there's a product for people just like you. It's time to meet WHORES.
WHORES are women paid to endure your twisted, sticky romantic urges for a nominal fee. Snowballs, 69, even rimjobs are available through the miracle of WHORES.
Consult your local pimp to see if WHORES are right for you. WHORES: Take life by the hand and fuck the shit out of it! Call 1-976-5-DOLLAR for more information.
WHORES users may experience venereal disease, loss of natural immunity, bankruptcy and a feeling of utter hollowness. Visit Thailand for our other product, BOY WHORES!

 

by deucepm
2-03-02
Some people say they don't need Lojack because...
What's the point? If my car is stolen, my insurance will pay for it!
WHAAAT?! LIES! LIES! YOUR INSURANCE WON'T PAY! OH YOU BITCH YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH! DIE! DIE! DIEEEE!
Don't you see, officer? She was like the others...SHE SOUGHT TO DENY THE POWER OF LOJACK! BUT NOW SHE KNOWS! OH, YES, NOW SHE KNOWS!
Damn it...all units, I need backup! The Lojack guy's done The Bad Thing again!

 

by deucepm
2-08-02
Good evening, and welcome back to "Sucky Sucky Fi' Dollah," the news program that fills you up with truth like a well-lubed fist to the balloon knot.
Today, via satellite, we'll be speaking with Bongo, who, we're told, has a terrible secret he wants to divulge. Bongo, over to you!
I...I didn't intend to come forward with this, but...okay, I'll just say it. The Dog on a Ball killed Kennedy.
Dude, we knew all that. Didn't you read the employee manual?
Seriously. Join us next time on "Sucky Sucky Fi' Dollah" when we interview Feet-For-Ears about what it's like to be such a twisted, misshapen freak.

 

by deucepm
2-15-02
Haaak...
HRAAAAAGH! KAAAAK KAK KAK KAK! WHAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ooog...
So...you still feel well enough to go to work today?
Take a wild fucking guess.

 

by deucepm
2-15-02
Answer me quickly, Rosenblatt! The microfilm! Where is it?
Snakes are crawling in and out of your skin, devouring your fleshy sweetbreads. Fear the marmosets if thou art wise.
We will return to the Four O'Clock Adrenochrome Movie right after this word from our sponsor, Twitchy Ian, your local dealer.
I love this show.

 

by deucepm
2-26-02
I need to find the man who killed my wife.
Here, I got a lead on him. His name's Jimmy Grantz. We'll lead him to--
Dude, what the hell are you talking about? It was you.
What? Uh...no it wasn't.
Sure it was! I walked into the bathroom and there you were crouched over my wife and--
Hey, will you look at the time? I gotta go.

 

by deucepm
2-27-02
...and so, madames et m'sieurs, finding zee killer of this man will be very difficult, but I am sure my little gray cells will--
I did it.
Merde.

 

by deucepm
2-27-02
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love!
Wait, my love, I'm all right!
Uh...you are?
Yes! Now we can be married and live happily ever after!
Ten years later...
...so the drama queen stands over me, doesn't even think to check for a pulse, and pulls out his bottle of poison...
Dammit, does she have to tell this story at every dinner party?

 

by deucepm
2-28-02
Missed the fly again, huh?
SHUT UP! I'LL SWAT HIM YET!

 

by deucepm
2-28-02
TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

 

by deucepm
2-28-02
Hello, and welcome to "Sucky Sucky Fi' Dollah," the show that delivers the stinging bitchslap of truth upside your pointy head. Today we pay tribute to Spike Milligan.
Milligan is considered by some the father of modern comedy. As creator of The Goon Show, Milligan influenced Monty Python, the Firesign Theatre, and pretty much everybody else.
To honor this great man, we wanted to have a 21-pudding salute, but our gas was turned off. The march of the 3rd Disgusting Fusileers also fell through. No word from the East Finchley Scouts.
Sure, we could do one of those weepy tribues full of highlights, but he would have hated it. So what should we do?
Lesbian orgy?
I think he'd appreciate that. That's it for this edition of "Sucky Sucky Fi' Dollah." Ying tong iddle i po!

 

by deucepm
3-14-02
Hey, Willow, is there any more orange juice left?
I'm a lesbian!
Will, have you seen--
I have sex with women!
Now, I will tear your very soul asunder, puny--
I EAT CLIT!

 

by deucepm
3-15-02
Good evening, and welcome to another edition of "Let's Light An Annoying Celebrity On Fire." Tonight, we're speaking with Academy Award nominee Ethan Hawke.
Good to be here.
So Ethan, how does it feel to be recognized for a career with such highlights as "Mystery Date" and "The Newton Boys?"
Well, it's AAAHHHHHH! MY FLESH!
Thanks for watching. Tune in next week when we interview Ben Stiller. Get here early. He uses a lot of hair gel, so he's gonna go up fast. G'night, everybody!
WHY?! O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN, WHYYYY?!

 

by deucepm
3-21-02
The mom from Fox Trot: Perhaps the worst, most strident mother figure in comics today.
Tofu. That's the answer. It's all down to tofu. And if they don't like it...THE TOFU BAT!
Cliff Huxtable: Foul-tempered, mind-game-playing bastard.
This pimp costume will illustrate to Rudy what a little WHORE she is! I'm such a good parent!
What If...
Hey, you're kinda cute. Wanna have some kids and crush their spirits?
Nahhh. I already have a thing on the side with the mom from Malcolm In The Middle.

 

by deucepm
3-25-02
...and the Oscar goes to Akiva Goldsman! Goldsman's previous work includes Batman and Robin and Lost in Space.
...
Soooo...you think maybe destroying all creation because of a really meaningless award was a bit of an overreac--
Read my lips. BATMAN. AND. ROBIN. LOST. IN. SPACE.

 

by deucepm
3-26-02
Where'd everybody go? I saw a bright light. I thought we were on.

 

by deucepm
3-26-02
Sure! I'd love to go to the Ozzy concert!

Showing page 2.

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