All comics by iconoclastic

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We don't need no darkie in the band!
Of course we don't, but he'll make a fine metronome! Ha ha ha ha ha!
by iconoclastic, 1-06-12

 

by iconoclastic
5-02-12
I'm leaving us.
Then we'll have to kill the children.
Again?
C'mon, let's get it over with.
I can hardly wait to break up again.
They tasted great, didn't they?

 

by iconoclastic
5-02-12
I'm leaving us.
Then we'll have to kill the children.
Again?
C'mon, let's get it over with.
I can hardly wait to break up again.
They tasted great, didn't they?

 

by iconoclastic
5-06-12
I was really nervous man. It was my first hit you know. I'm still buzzing.
Okay, but did you get her?
No man. It's embarrassing!
Bummer.
The bullet hit the bench right between her ankles, and she hauled ass!
Oh bad luck!

 

by iconoclastic
5-14-12
Suck my corns mama.
No man, I don't suck no corns. You want head, or what?
I want my fuckin' corns sucked! Now suck 'em!
I'm outta' here! I ain't suckin' no corns no how!
Employees say they heard her screaming "I don't suck no damn corns", as she was being kicked to death.

 
by iconoclastic, 5-23-12

 

by iconoclastic
5-26-12
Uhhh, how ya doin'? My name's Jack.
Jack The Turd-Kicker.
Jack The Turd-Kicker...Bond.
Sweet, and yourself?

 

by iconoclastic
5-27-12
Hello Dr., I'm...
You're Jack. I've reviewed your paper work Jack, but frankly I... I don't understand your problem.
Well, I'll try and...
Thank you, explaining it would be very helpful.
Okay... so if I see a turd (no matter where I am), I approach it, very casually (so as not to draw attention), and then I...
Get to the point Jack! Then you kick the turd. You kick it because of an inner 'turd animus' which has wreaked havoc with your attempt to marry another upside down walking circus freak midget, right?

 

by iconoclastic
5-27-12
We're on the scene with Jack the Turd-Kicker, and he's agreed to answer some questions.
You don't need to ask! I killed the son-of-a-bitch!
Then it was you who kicked Dr. Buttinksy to a bloody pulp. Why'd you do it Jack?
It made sense to kill him! Thats why I did it. You wouldn't understand!
Try me Jack.
At first everything was going fine. Then he just... he just started acting like a turd.

 

by iconoclastic
5-27-12
So you kicked Dr. Buttinski to death because he was acting like a turd. What kind of turd was the Dr. acting like?
I can't answer that question.
You've already confessed to the killing Jack. Why won't you answer the question?
It's too personal.

 

by iconoclastic
5-27-12
Jack, the world wants to know how you view your impending imprisonment.
It's going to be tough. I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
But prisons have toilets. There won't be any freestanding turds to vent on. How will you manage?
Huh?
How will you manage when the problem of 'turd paucity' raises it's ugly head?
You're really askin' for it aren't you?

 

by iconoclastic
5-27-12
I apologize Jack. I'm just trying to do my job.
I know, but you were starting to sound like Dr. Buttinsky. Just ask your questions like an ordinary adult.
Thanks for the 'feets-up'. I'll give it a go. So...
You're cruisin' for a kickin', aren't you?
What?
"Feets-up?"

 

by iconoclastic
5-27-12
Let's see if I can do this right. How will you manage to survive in prison when there will be no ca-cas for you to kick?
DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT?!!
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO JACK THE MOTHERFUCKING CA-CA KICKER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT?!!
I'm so sorry Jack
OH YOU'RE GONNA' BE SORRY ALRIGHT, WHEN I PUMMEL YOU TO DEATH WITH THESE JACK THE FUCKING CA-CA KICKER BOOTS!

 

by iconoclastic
5-27-12
So substituting the word 'ca-ca' for 'turd' is out? Are you saying that you're just too damn sensitive to...
That's it motherfucker!!!
*kick kick... kick... ka kick kick... kick... kick kick kick... ka kick kick*

 

by iconoclastic
5-31-12
Idiots like you should eat fruit, and stay away from young meat.
Well, okay.
Could you not have said "Eat only ripe fruit" Lord?

 

by iconoclastic
6-14-12
I always wanted to be in the army, ever since I was a little kid.
They said it would make a man out of me.
I'm not sure, but something may have gone wrong.

 

by iconoclastic
6-14-12
Although it's not a requirement for enlisting in the army...
...you will benefit greatly from any pre-enlistment experience in anal sex...
...especially as a recipient.

 

by iconoclastic
6-14-12
The benefits of military life are really great. They're beyond your imagination.
For instance...
...you can't imagine how bad your butt's gonna' hurt!

 

by iconoclastic
6-14-12
The army has changed over the years.
Used to be, the phrase "Get down and gimme' 50" meant 'push-ups'.
Now it means 'head-bobs'.

 

by iconoclastic
6-17-12
What's up Uncle Sam?
Did you ever think about operating some of the world's most sophisticated weapons systems?
You mean like the kind that take out a whole bunch of guys all at once, from a mile away?
Yup.Say, w hy don't you come down to the office, and we can talk about which branch interests you the most.
You got an olive branch?
Uh... no we don't, but that's a great idea... what with each olive bein' a bomb! Good thinkin'!

 

by iconoclastic
6-17-12
I've come all the way from the Great U.S.ofA. to take home the body of an American Hero. I hear he's in a cave somewhere.
Yes Mr. Sam, I can take you there.
What? There's no body, just his guts on the wall?
Yes Mr. Sam, but he died defending his unit, who all escaped to safety.
Listen now, just between you and me, I came for a body in a bag, not to scrape no guts off a cave wall. Mrs. Sam wouldn't like that. Mission aborted. Back to the airport, chop chop!!!
Chop chop?!! WTF? He don't know China's asshole from a cave in Afghanistan!

 

by iconoclastic
7-01-12
Meeting all your siblings was an incredible experience, but I'm having a little trouble believing that you have 32 blood siblings, of every culture possible.
It is quite unusual.
To say the least! One woman having 32 children of all persuasions.
Well, just between you, me, and more Jack Daniels...
...my mother worked her whole life as a low-down, dirty, cock-sucking whore for the U.N. She was executed in secret after giving herpes to Idi Amin.

 

by iconoclastic
7-04-12
I have a confession to make before I can marry you.
I thought everything was settled!
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but... I'm really Jesus!
That's okay as long as you're willing to convert to Islam!
Well, at least I got to do you once in the rear while you were still warm..

 

by iconoclastic
7-19-12
Okay troops, fall in behind me and wait for my orders. Shortly I will lead you to the promised land!
Sir, I can't go... I... I shit my pants.
You don't even wear pants soldier!
No sir, I'm sorry sir, the truth is... I shat my shell!
Again?!!God knows you 'hermits' are the scum of the earth! You give crabs a bad name!
Yessir. *scuttle scuttle*

 

by iconoclastic
7-21-12
I know it's an odd request, but could you tell me if I shit my pants?
Umm, sure... I could do that. You'll have to turn around though.
I don't want anyone to think somethin' funny's goin' on, so I'll just stay like this.
Okay, if you say so. Uh, I can feel something , but I can't be sure if it's a shit-log or uh...
It's okay, just keep tryin', you'll figure it out. Oh, and thanks lot, I appreciate it.
No problem bro'.

 

by iconoclastic
7-21-12
I just asked you to scrape it outta' my pants for me, not eat it!
I know, I know, but when you get into the world of poop, strange shit starts to happen.
Quick, stand up! Somebody's comin'!!! Act like nothin's happening!
Alright, I'm standin' up!
How 'bout them Dodgers?
Dodgers? How 'bout them Cubs?

 

by iconoclastic
8-02-12
Contestant #1
How ya'll doin' tonight? Anyone here from Bethleham? Let me tell you why I should win this 'Savior' competition.
Huh?!! I thought this was 'Ca-ca Stacking'.
In addition to my ultra anal and updated 'Chuck Norris' beard, I'm sporting a 'cross-free' bodice with a fine tapered red sash.
Could somebody please guide me to the 'Ca-ca Stacking' venue?
Although my looks righteously appeal to all faiths, non-christian believers will still go to hell.
Never mind everybody, I'm okay now!

 

by iconoclastic
8-02-12
Contestant #2
What a phony contestant #1 was huh? A beard and a fucking sash! What a loser! Check this shit out...
You should've seen the shit I just finished cleaning up!
Please remember, I have been prohibited from bringing a cross onstage
That is strange, isn't it? You can bring your dick, but not your cross... go figure!
*bap bap bap* Is it bleeding yet?
Hey! Next year tape your cross to your dick, and they'll never know!

 

by iconoclastic
8-02-12
Contestant #3
I am 'AUTOMATON JESUS'!!! Bow down to me on your scabby bleeding knees!!! Scraping is also encouraged.
Sorry A.J., I think we all left our scrapers at home!
You best do what I say, or hell awaits. I'm the man, and you are NOT! Gimme' your money! Kill in my name! Indulge in spiritual bigotry!
Slow down A.J. I'm trying to write all this down!
Do these things in my name, and a little sodomy's cool, as long as you don't inhale! LULZ!!!
Quick! Look up 'sodomy' and tell me if I want to do it!

 

by iconoclastic
8-31-12
There was a fetus named Cletus...
Hi, my name is Cletus! You left me swimmin' in placenta at your stinkin' feet, that's right! I'm your aborted fetus!
EEEK! What do you want?
...who knew if he stayed...
I just wanna' live, I just wanna' travel! The mysteries of life...? I wanna' chance to unravel!
OH MY GOD! It's talking to me!!!
...would be dead meatus!
Love to stay, be your friend, but gotta' watch out for myself in the end... BITCH!!!
Somebody Kill it!!!

 

by iconoclastic
9-09-12
Are you sure you're the doctor? I'm here for a pelvic exam, and I don't see how it could be administered from over there.
Please disrobe and lay on the exam table. I'll be with you in just a minute.
This seems odd to me Dr. and I feel a little uneasy.
It's okay. Everything is highly moral and ethical, and good too! It's simply...
...that I'm a little shy, and don't forget to spread your legs facing this direction.

 

by iconoclastic
9-09-12
Are you sure you're the doctor? I'm here for a pelvic exam, and I don't see how it could be administered from over there.
Please disrobe and lay on the exam table. I'll be with you in just a minute.
This seems odd to me Dr. and I feel a little uneasy.
It's okay. Everything is highly moral and ethical, and good too! It's simply...
...that I'm a little shy, and don't forget to spread your legs facing this direction.

 

by iconoclastic
9-30-12
I just finished talking to my mom.
She says you have to stop kicking me in the cunt.
I can't believe it!
Did you tell her I just got new boots?

 

by iconoclastic
9-30-12
She says she doesn't care if you got new boots.
What am I supposed to do now?
About what?
The boots!
You can't return 'cunt kickers'!

 

You know I disagree with what you're thinking.
What part? Killing her or eating her?
by iconoclastic, 9-30-12

 

One doesn't fuck on the corners one has just made! Does the 2nd child understand???
Yes maam, the 2nd child understands, maam!!!
by iconoclastic, 10-01-12

 

by iconoclastic
10-12-12
Look Hal, I really can't thank you enough for helping out.
Hey! Hey! You know it's my pleasure!
Okay, I'm inside the cunt and have discovered several mutant life forms! I've only enough oxygen to bring out a philipino fishboy trapped in here for 8 years.
Now you know who's been knocking on the walls for 8 years
Hal!!! We need your help! My bitch can't pop the kid 'cus she's got too much cunt hair.
Honey, the cocksucker just got out, turned around and swam back in!

 

by iconoclastic
10-18-12
There was a dude with a neighbor named Fran, who sucked his dick while he sat on the can.
I know it's kinda' crowded down there, can you get your mouth on it?
"Your dick smells like shit," said Fran in a hissy-fit.
I know it smells like shit. That's 'cus it's got shit on it!
Said the dude "Suck it clean, that's the plan."
Listen... I'm not lettin' you out 'till it's clean!

 

by iconoclastic
10-18-12
There was a dude with a neighbor named Fran, who sucked his dick while he sat on the can.
I know it's kinda' crowded down there, can you get your mouth on it?
"Your dick smells like shit," said Fran in a hissy-fit.
I know it smells like shit. That's 'cus it's got shit on it!
Said the dude "Suck it clean, that's the plan."
Listen... I'm not lettin' you out 'till it's clean!

 

by iconoclastic
10-25-12
From the grave came a curious sound...
?
*traf... traf... traaafffff...*
Visitors confirmed what the mice suspected.
He was such an asshole!
A dyslexic one at that.

 

by iconoclastic
12-01-12
Just imagine if you had a cunt.
I'd be fucked!

 

by iconoclastic
12-04-12
Go ahead, just imagine that you have a cunt.
What have I ever done to you?

 

by iconoclastic
12-04-12
What's the big deal? Imagine you had a cunt, and it'll all be over.
Dude... I'm over here!

 

by iconoclastic
12-04-12
It must have been horrible seeing your twin brother murdered right in front of your eyes.
I just hope in the years to come, that my brain will remain unaffected, and I can live a life somewhat analagous to normal.
Can you tell me what it is you saw?
I said, can you tell me what you saw?
Goo goo? Gah Gah.

 

by iconoclastic
12-25-12
So, what did Santa bring you this year?
An Action Set.
Sounds cool. What's in it?
Blindfold, cuffs and a whip.
Same as last year.

 

by iconoclastic
3-14-13
I just heard that a camel's coming to live here.
I've heard they're really dirty animals.
You mean like "porno dirty"?
Yup.
You mean they have long necks so they can drink bodily fluids from their own humps?
Exactly!

 

by iconoclastic
3-14-13
The pigs talk like they're all clean and shit like that.
You mean they're not?
You never heard of a "pig train"?
You mean where one pig sticks his poop sucking snout up another pig's ass and vacuums out all the pig poop?
You don't need to say "pig poop" because you already said the poop sucking snout was up another pig's ass. That's being redundant. Just say "poop".
Poop.

 

Has anybody seen the rooster???
by iconoclastic, 3-14-13

 

by iconoclastic
3-14-13
Swear to God! l acted like a rooster and she sucked my cock! Then she paid me!
You lying son-of-a-bitch! Let's see the cash!
She was out of cash, so I gave her a bill.
Can I smell it?
What do you mean?
Your bill.

 

by iconoclastic
4-13-13
I'm pleased to say you've got the job. However, if you ever come to work with a smelly cunt...
Hold on, I'm a dude!
In that case, make it a big, dirty, oversized, stinking rotten, fly-infested, (sun-baked for flavor) black dildo, used by 2 hate-filled midgets to murder overweight Mexican housewives who wear thongs.
Do the thongs have poop on them?
Of course!
Deal.

Showing page 2.

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