All comics by nicejohnson

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by nicejohnson
3-19-04
At the school where I teach, things aren't very clean.
I found AIDS on the potty Ms. Nelson
Show me where he touched you on the doll.
...
Open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a big surprise.

 

by nicejohnson
3-24-04
They were playing hide the salami.
It was rumored that Joyce Barndhardt liked large dogs.
Lula, a 200 pound former black 'ho.
My father opened one eye and farted.
"oops," grandma said,"someone stepped on a duck."
My undies floated to the floor.

 

by nicejohnson
4-01-04
Oh poor Dcom. What's wrong?
I love you like a sister. Keep your damn hands to your self.
Do you need a backrub?
NO! NO! NO BACKRUB!
Ok then, maybe a cookie?
TAKE ME NOW!

 

by nicejohnson
4-02-04
I went to the mall and, like, we were sitting in the food court and you know like, Billy showed up and I thought I was going to like die or whatever? So then um he was all like hey and I was like omg
I just wanted to know where the bus stop is...
So then me and my girlfriend were you know trying that new S&M thing or whatever and I tried to get Mr. Winky in but it got stuck. What do you think happened?
*dies*
Dude, I was taking this monster ass-shit and it was so gross, I had eaten this 5-cheese bean burrito and broccoli with sunflower seeds and all this Vietnamese food and it smelled like barf and rotten
You aren't what I expected.

 

by nicejohnson
4-02-04
It's school time. How many things have made me uncomfortable today?
Well I ripped my $15 fishnet stockings on a chair made by only the finest cheap labor
I have to go to the bathroom, but if I do I'll miss the video of people dying from Ebola.
Suddenly: A bitch
Um Lauren? Your breath smells. Like, REALLY REALLY bad. Go find someone else to sit with. JK!
*cries*
The channting begins
Hey Lauren is a witch! BURN HER BURN HER SHE FLOATS!!!
I hate the Crucible...!

 

by nicejohnson
4-13-04
Hi. My name is Dom. I'm a punk.
He is super hard core. Do not mess with his awesome madness.
Hi. My name is Dom. I'm a punk.
Hi. My name is Dom. I'm a punk.
He will destroy you.

 

by nicejohnson
4-13-04
EY OH EY OH OI OI OI SEX DRUGS ROCK EH!!!!
HELL YEAH!!!
EY OH EY OH OI OI OI I DONE IT ALL EH!!!!
FUCKING SCREW YOU YOU GOT INTO MY HEAD!!!
And my soul, like a beautiful butterfly floated down on a cloud of light and hope. She glowed with a radiance that was unearthly.
*sob*

 

by nicejohnson
4-14-04
No one else will understand this comic.
I'm a cheap stand-in for Brandon Lee. You know, from "The Crow."

 

by nicejohnson
4-15-04
My little brother.
goo goo ga ga gee *DESTROY*
TINKY WINKY! DIPSY! LALA! PO!!! *burn down the house* TELETUBBIES TELETUBBIES!!!SAY! HELLO!
My 9 year old sister.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
BREAST ENHANCEMENTS!!! NATURAL!!! ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SILICON!!!!!! "When I got the ginkgo biloba breast enhancements it changed my life."
My stepmother.
Hmmmmmm....
Having trouble trying to ruin your stepdaughter's life and soil her rep forever? Then call 1-800-ntrl-slctn so we can have one of our hired hitmen take out that little whore for good! *jingle*

 

by nicejohnson
4-15-04
Destruction the Demon is busy answering email in the cave he shares with his friend Agony and his wife, Beatrice.
Let's see...Who should I send spam advertising the cure for male pattern baldness to next?
Suddenly: A disgruntled wife
Errr....
Where were you last night? I was worried sick! This is the last time I'm dealing with your crap! I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the Marvin Gaye cd's with me!
Editor's note: Although Beatrice was a rather whiny bitch, she was in no way immortal. She died, in case you didn't notice.
Don't TOUCH my Marvin Gaye, behotch!

 

by nicejohnson
4-26-04
We enter the world of Lauren's dreams....
AMUSE ME, OH LOWLY SERVANTS!
*appear*
Who are you?
I'm MikeyG! In my true form! With breasts!
She quickly changes her mind, though. To be continued...
Please god let me wake up....
Wanna look at gay porn?

 

by nicejohnson
4-26-04
We return once again to the land of Lauren's dreams...
Sooooooo, you're leaving now right?
No I'm going to stay here FOREVER!!!
In your DREAMS! AH HA HAHA AHAHA HA11111
Owwww my seared and burning flesh!
Now what?
Sucky sucky five dollah?

 

by nicejohnson
4-26-04
Here we are again. You know the drill.
I'm lonely. I long for companionship of extremely hot men wearing very little.
I'm xxausrottenxx because this is your dream/fantasy and this is how my soul looks anyway.
It's me, Dcom. I've got the hottest arm you've ever seen a picture of in your life.
Hmmmmm....
So, why aren't you naked and feeding me grapes yet?

 

by nicejohnson
4-28-04
Listen up you old farts! Today we'll be going on a field trip to the circus! And I don't want anybody shitting on themselves this time, got it?
I have to go...
She looks in the shed.
Well, here we are at the fucking circus. Now go off and look elderly or something while I fuel my drinking problem.
This doesn't LOOK like the circus...
To be continued....
HELP ME! OH GOD HELP ME!!! THE ANGUISH! NOT THE POLE AGAIN!
LETUSOUTLETUSOUTLETUSOUT

 

by nicejohnson
4-28-04
What in tarnation...?
Please help us! We've been stuck here for so long, I never though anyone would find us!
She leaves.
Oh thank God! Now untie me so I can help the others!
Oh I'm afraid I can't do that, dear, I'm too old. My brittle and ashy hands would turn to dust if I even touched you! Besides, it's time for my sedatives. I do believe I'm hallucinating again!
Scary alkie enters.
I'm so lonely *hic* MY husband left me for a 2-cent whore, my parents hate me, and I have this weird rash on my-
OH GOD COME BACK OLD LADY COME BACK!!!! HELLLLPPPPP!!!!!

 

by nicejohnson
4-29-04
Hey guys, what's up?
Not much. You know Lauren, we never see you with your hair down. What does it look like?
Oh its not that great, but I'll show you. *SHAZAM*
*snicker* It looks great (and by great I mean fro-tastic), Lauren! You should wear it down more often!
Back in the classroom, while admiring her makeup...
WAITAMMINIT! My hair looks like SHIT! It's all poofy and lopsided!
Dammit....I've STILL got it.

 

by nicejohnson
4-30-04
I thought I lost my cd player today.
WHy the hell am I suffering through two hours of bio again? Wouldn't it be great if I could...Hey, where's my cd player?
Wah wah wah wah wah wah woh wah woh wah wah
I went to every teacher I had today, asking if they had seen my MOM's cd player. Sweaty and gross, I gave up and went back to class.
Have you seen this cd player? *holds up handmade sign*
No dear. Even if I had, some ghetto black kid would have stolen it by now. Remember, if you like it, lock it down. We're not in suburbia anymore!
Do you smell that? That's the smell of fear. From running. End.
Oh my God...I left my cd player at home! I just remembered!
Why is Lauren hitting herself with that book?

 

by nicejohnson
5-06-04
In bio at the beginning of the year we always used to have this joke...
Hey Andrew, don't eat the cookies! Mrs. Scott put mind control serum in them! Why else would she give them to us? *snicker*
I know, dude! Seriously, I'm never gonna even touch them! *snicker*
But then...
I'm kind of hungry...But Andrew is kind of cool so I don't want him to think I'm some kind of hypocritical freak. But I love chocolate! But...
Whoa, her eyes just rolled back into her head!
SO I ATE IT, OK? SUE ME I WAS HUNGRY!
*gobble*
Dude. Did you just eat one of the cookies? Poser.

 

by nicejohnson
5-07-04
Old mutha Hubbard was kind of strange.
I predict a great musical comeback of the 12th year in the new millenium for Meredith Brooks....
I predict that I will have killed and eaten you before you make anymore crackpot predictions.
Have you seen the Christmas lights dearie? *this is asked at five minute intervals
I WON'T SUCCOMB TO YOUR PSYCHOTIC WHIMS YOU OLD BAG OF DUST~!!!
Editor's Note: Although it may have seemed that I foolishly tried to use a tv as a cheap sub for a mirror, I didn't, and she's that crazy. Jeez, you guys are so stupid.
Oh no! WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?I'VE TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE RARR OH GOD I CAN'T SEE MYSELF IN THE MIRROR!

 

by nicejohnson
5-14-04
Its tough being a freshman sometimes. You act like a nerd.
OHMYGODOHMYGOD
What's wrong, Lauren?
And you have weird nicknames for the guys you have crushes on. The current nickname for my favorite is "Commando."
Ok Rose. He's right. Behind. Me. DON'T LOOK!!! What should I do??? I know, I'll ignore him! That's it that's a perfect plan!
Why don't you just go say hi? I'm sure he'd like to talk to y-
To be continued
WHAT?!?!? And ruin the perfect balance of mystery when there's potential love in the air? I don't think so! You obviously don't know anything about boys, Rose...
So that's what I smelled..

 

by nicejohnson
5-20-04
I'm boy crazy, yeah I know it-Hi Jamie!-But its tough for me to survive without my daily doseage of boy.
Yo!
I mean, it isn't easy being funny, smart, and gorgeous. You would not BELIEVE how many boys I have to turn down because they don't meet my VERY high standards. They're like a swarm of bees. *winks*
H-h-h-h-hi Lauren...*trips*
Editors Note: This is all an incredibly inaccurate representation of myself. Except for the last panel, sadly. And the title.
But you know how it is, I always keep my cool. OH MY GOD ITS ROBERT I LOVE YOU!!!! *shrieks*
Uh...hi? Have we met?

 

by nicejohnson
7-20-04
I just lost the only girl I ever loved. I'll never get over her, NEVER! I'll never love another woman as long as I live....
Mi extremo se arde! Por favor denme agua!
Thanks Lupe, you always have a way of making me feel better.
Usted idiota, yo que va a morir del dolor!!!
20 viewings of My Fair Lady, 3 gay bars, and one operation later...
I did it Lupe, just like you told me to! Thank you so much!
De nada.

 

by nicejohnson
8-04-04
Plop plop fizz fizz get yo hands off my cheez whiz
Hell NAW
Twinkle twinkle Mr. Stinkle do you have to make a winkle?
*turntable noise* Rap rap rap rap rap!
Stay, go. Stay, go, do you think you're gay?
NO!

 

by nicejohnson
8-04-04
Plop plop fizz fizz get yo hands off my cheez whiz
Hell NAW
Twinkle twinkle Mr. Stinkle do you have to make a winkle?
*turntable noise* Rap rap rap rap rap!
Stay, go. Stay, go, do you think you're gay?
NO!

 

by nicejohnson
11-03-04
Yup, he won. Does the hand we're screwed by really matter much in the long run anyway? Nader is pretty hot.
The next few comic will be the product of my witty and charming brain, chronicling what probably will be the daily activities of George W. Bush.

 

by nicejohnson
11-05-04
You think you know, but have no idea.
This..is the diary...
Of George W. Bush.
Ya'll done judged me before you knew me, now it is time for you to see what my life is like. It's almost as hard as bein a international pop star, cuz there be so many haters!

 

by nicejohnson
3-02-05
Sometimes at school the ghetto black boys like to tell me I look nice.
HEY SHOATY YEAH YOU GURL YEAH YOU LOOKING REAL NICE MMMM MMM HEY YOU FUNNY THE WAY YOU PRETENDING YOU CAN'T HEAR ME
Oh god oh god can I outrun him
HAHAH YOU SO FUNNY WHATCHU DOIN ON THAT COMPUTER LET ME SEE OH WAIT STOP
mental scream

 

by nicejohnson
3-11-05
So I walk into chem today, and suddenly I overhear that Josh is sick. Josh is Allison's brother that I'm going home with today. SLUMBER PARTY
!!!!!!!!!*panic*!!!!!!!!
I NEED TO GO TALK TO ALLISON NOW
I ran to the art room in a panicked frenzy. Someone pointed her out, but there was one thing I had sort of forgotten.
fast running, barging into classroom
WHERE'S ALLISON?!?! I NEED TO TALK TO HER NOW
The teacher.
ALLISON OH MY GOD
Who the hell are you?

 

by nicejohnson
3-14-05
The problem
HOLY CRAP WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR NECK
What are you talking about I'm going to go look
The climax
Holy shit did I do that it is small like a tumor
gasp your first hickey
A satisfying resolution there's a standing ovation and only 3 refunds
over exaggerated laughter
melodramatic sigh now I have to wear a red scarf even though you are too incompetent to give a hickey in one place

 

by nicejohnson
4-20-05
The blue one.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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