All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
12-27-04
Shit... my gum is out of flavor but there's no trash can around here, and I can't just spit on the ground...
Gah! It's got the flavor and texture of cardboard! Should I litter where someone might step on it? Or just wait... but it's so awful... AAAAAAAAHHHH
Eventually, I was forced to mold it into the likeness of a man on a horse and pretend it was a park statue.
Another disaster narrowly averted.

 

by Scyess
12-27-04
Hi!
GAH!
YOU RACIST FUCK! HHAAAIIIIYA!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?
Oh, sorry. What were you saying?

 

by Scyess
12-28-04
Jon! I've found it! I've rediscovered the true meaning of Christmas!
Christmas is over, Jim. It's almost New Year's.
Oh. In that case, my resolution for 2005 is not to drink myself into a five day coma.
*sigh* How about a new resolution this year?

 

by Scyess
12-29-04
Let's see... how can I get the leaves out of my driveway without having to do any actual work or pay any acutal money?
One pile of leaves. Spread out. As-is. Provide own shipping arrangements. 100% organic oak and maple. May include acorns. May include images of Jesus on one of the leaves. Starting bid: $5
Man, how did anyone get anything done before e-Bay?
The Jesus thing was a nice touch.

 

by Scyess
12-30-04
Hello? Guiness Book of World Records? I'd like to submit my name for the record least amount of physical contact with the opposite sex.
Oh yeah? Good luck.
Don't believe me, eh? Try this on for size: ZERO!
Hey, buddy, I've got news for you...
Apparently, I'm tied with most philatelists and networked game players, not to mention every single member of the Kirk Cameron fan club.
Wow. Even your pathos is pathetic.

 

by Scyess
12-31-04
Oops. I think I tapped your bumper a little bit...
YOU CLUMSY JERK! THAT CAR HAS DEEP EMOTIONAL VALUE TO ME! I'LL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE! I'M GOING TO SUE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU OWN!!
What, my Englbert Humperdink 8-track collection? You're welcome to it.
Damn. Why can't I ever get deep emotional scars from Bill Gates?

 

by Scyess
12-31-04
If you could have anything you want, what would it be?
Your head on a platter.
C'mon. I'm being serious.
Yeah, you're right. As long as your head isn't attached to your body anymore, it doesn't matter where it is. I guess I'll just take the platter.
This little get-to-know-you session has turned out to be less charmingly romantic than I'd hoped.
But maybe I could carve your skull into a matching gravy boat.

 

by Scyess
12-31-04
Happy 2005!!
Yay!
GAH!
HAAIIIYYYYA!
So far, it's a lot like 2004. And 2003, 2002...
Ohmigowsh I drank so musch at that party... wheresh th pashient? I think he needsh CPR or a cathadader or sumthing...

 

by Scyess
1-01-05
*DING DONG!*
H...
...i...
Um, tell me you're not the "svelte, athletic, double-jointed blond" from the ad.
Oh! Excuse me Mr. 6'3"-Muscular-Build-Viggo-Mortenson-Look-Alike.

 

by Scyess
1-01-05
Hey, you know this reality TV craze that's going around? I think I've found a way to take it to the next level...
Surreality TV! I'm thinking of a show called "Hamburgers Lunch for Brown" in which two celebrities and a chimpanzee compete for blankets and linoleum.
Round One would be the challenge to see who can first type a letter using only tapioca and tube socks.
Throw in something about a talking pink cow, too.

 

by Scyess
1-02-05
There's nothing on. I should go get some exercise. Or at least clean up the house.
I could start my novel! I could take up kick-boxing! I could learn the tango! I could start a company and make a billion dollars. I could become arm-wrestling champion of the world!!!
But then again, this couch is pretty comfortable...
Uh oh. Looks like someone has a case of TV Inertia.

 

by Scyess
1-02-05
I think Jon's come down with a case of TV Inertia. Can you go check on him?
**drool**
Nah. There's only about a quarter inch of dust on him.
Maybe we'd better fake a power outage, just in case.

 

by Scyess
1-02-05
*PFFT!*
Oh Jesus! The power went out... there's no TV!! Wait!! Wait... don't panic... remain calm...
AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
I think you watch too much TV.
Quiet, woman! Can't you see I'm busy panicking!?

 

by Scyess
1-02-05
There's no TV! How am I going to know what people on the street are saying? How am I going to see wildlife?
How am I going to stay informed? How am I going to keep track of fashion trends, local events, or weather information?!??
You could go outside.
Outs-... I don't follow.

 

by Scyess
1-02-05
*PFFT!*
Okay, the power's back on, but don't celebrate just yet. No more TV for you. You have to go out and actually interact with other actual life forms.
Aw, man.
*sigh* Hey, Earl.
Hey, Jon.
So did you catch that episode of Raymond the other night?
Hell yeah! That Raymond is da bomb! Didja see Drew?

 

by Scyess
1-02-05
This... is your brain...
This is your brain on TV.
Hey, everybody! I just flew out of Jon's skull, and boy are my lobes tired! **laughtrack**
Any questions?
That is some seriously fucked-up shit right there.
No kidding. Your duodenum was much funner last week on Leno.

 

by Scyess
1-04-05
I am the all-powerful demonic sub-creature. The universe is at my fingertips. I can create life and destroy it. I can warp space and time at will.
I can caputre the souls of the living and twist them into my image. None exist who can hide their true spirit from my all-knowing gaze. With the slightest...
Hey, Samantha! Want to play Monopoly(TM)?
I guess I can always do all that stuff later.
All right! Park Place! Uh, can I borrow 150 Monopoly bucks?

 

by Scyess
1-05-05
'scuse me. Can I have a quarter for the soda machine?
No! You may only have a NICKEL! You're so close, but your thirst will continue to plague you! MUAHAHAHA!!
Aw.
No offense, but do you think you've gotten a little soft on the whole "demonic" thing lately?
Watch what you say, Jon. I've given out some mean wedgies for less.

 

by Scyess
1-06-05
I'm so bored.
Wanna go get drunk and kill some hookers?
I can't believe I was actually considering that.
Me either! What's to consider? Let's go!

 

by Scyess
1-08-05
Hi, Jon. How're you?
Woah! What can I say to that kind of question?
My personality is more complex than that! I have a personal life, a romantic life, my hobbies, my work, my internal self!
How can I answer such a question in any reasonable amount of time?! I can't! It's too much! I need time to compile my answer! I can't take the pressure!!
Actually, could I just withdraw the question?
Too late. I think I need a drink.

 

by Scyess
1-08-05
I need a vacation.
From what? You don't do anything but complain.
You're right. Maybe I need a vacation from that...
I'd say we all do. In fact...
My lord! Who bound and gagged Jon and threw him into the closet?!
You could say we arrived at the decision together.

 

by Scyess
1-08-05
Mom, you finally get to meet your new grandson, Hubert.
What an adorable child! I only wish you had enough love in your cold, wasted heart not to name him "Hubert."
Don't worry, Granny. I spend every day of my life plotting sweet revenge. And sucking my toes.
I guess I could name him after his great-grandfather Smegly...

 

by Scyess
1-08-05
Okay... for the spelling bee championship, spell "tintinnabulation"
Um... T-I-N-T-I-N-N-A-B-U-L-A-T-I-O-N
Um, right.
What? Did I win? What's the problem?
Well, to be honest, we're not really keen on having our school represented at the state finals by a kid named "Hubert."
Dammit, Mom! Was something like "John" just too difficult a concept?!

 

by Scyess
1-08-05
Holy shit! That bulge is huge! Let's get it on!
You know it, baby!
*click*
Not that it matters, but what was your name again?
Hubert, baby. Hubert McDinglefwat.
*click*
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
IT'S... MY... NAME!!!! DAMN YOU, MOM!

 

by Scyess
1-08-05
Oh my lord! Hubert... is that you?
Yes. This is your doing, Mother. Going through life with a name like "Hubert" has driven me over the edge.
I've been laughed at, beaten up, skipped, and reviled, but never chosen, honored, or laid. Thanks to you.
But at least in college you could always tell your monogrammed towels from everyone else's.
Wow. You're right. I never thought of that. Boy, that would've been confusing!
That, and I made a pile off the other moms betting on whose kid got beat up first.

 

by Scyess
1-10-05
What kind of car are you going to buy?
I don't know yet. First, I have to put together a list of what I can afford.
Judging by the look on your face, you're not going to be able to afford the Ferarri.
I think I'm going to have a hard time affording the list.

 

by Scyess
1-11-05
If we're going to be able to afford a car, we're going to have to save money.
News flash: since you keep me chained to the closet, I don't really even have the chance to spend money now.
Not to mention the fact that there's not much to spend it on, being chained to a closet and all.
What about those crates of dry-aged steaks and cow porn that keep arriving here every week?
Um, coincidence.

 

by Scyess
1-11-05
Okay, okay. I get it. I can read the writing on the wall.
Can you? I've always found it to be pretty much illegible.
Well excuse me, Mr. So-Easy-To-Write-With-Opposable-Thumbs!
Oh, and that reminds me. STOP WRITING ON MY WALLS!!!

 

by Scyess
1-11-05
Guess what? I'm saving up to buy a car!
Why? You hate cars.
You never go anywhere, anyway. When you do, you ride your moped. And if that doesn't work, and there's no bus, I drive your no-car-havin' ass.
Dammit! I'm an American consumer, and I can't survive without an ludicrously-oversized SUV that gets 4 miles per gallon!
I think you should spend your money on something more sensible, like sending me on an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.

 

by Scyess
1-11-05
Oh, shit!
It's the fuzz!
Run away!
You assholes! It's none of your business whether I shave my legs or not!!

 

by Scyess
1-11-05
Holy crap! What're you doing?!
I am practicing the ancient Indonesian art of kwok-kak-deo.
Wow. That sounds exotic.
Yes. You find it appealing because it is ancient and exotic. You can't wait to do it, too, because it will make you seem cool.
Damn right! How long 'til I get my black belt?
Idiot.

 

by Scyess
1-11-05
Hi, Michele! It's been a wh-
Dammit, Jon. It always has to be about your penis, doesn't it?
Well... yeah.
Men!

 

by Scyess
1-11-05
Hey there. What if I told you I could be the man of your dreams?
I'm an insomniac.
Okay... right. So... I'm probably not literally the man of your dreams, per se...
... and a lesbian.

 

by Scyess
1-12-05
You're probably wondering why I called you here. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is right in this room. Is it his wastrel son, Lord Bunbury, Jr., who needed his inheritance to pay off debts?
Is it his upstairs maid, with whom he shared one night of love thirty years ago that resulted in issue? Is it that issue, who arrived here just last night on a boat from Inja? Is it Lady Marbury?
Is it her brother, the Duke of Earl, or one of the rent boys he regularly hires? Is it Rickets, the chauffeur with the shady past? Is it Pierre LeCirque, international art forger and blackmailer?
Or was it, mayhaps, someone else? I think the answer will surprise most of you just as much as it surprised me when I realized it. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is-- GREAT SCOTT! THE LIGHTS! AAHH!!
Just kidding. It was me all along.
*cough* Next... time... just... fucking... kill... me...

 

by Scyess
1-12-05
You can't shoot me with that. I am Death itself!
Oh, yeah?
Well, this is an interesting situation.
Mortal! I will take your sou-... Hey! What the....?!

 

by Scyess
1-12-05
You can't be Death! I'm Death!
Oh, yeah? My scythe would like to argue otherwise!
CHOP!!!!
Well, this is an interesting situation.
Well, this is an interesting situation.
Mortal! I will take your sou-... Hey! What the....?!

 

by Scyess
1-12-05
Every time I die, another of me comes to take my soul... and there are three of me here now... which means...
CHOP!!!
Game of bridge, anyone?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Mortal! I will take your sou-... Hey! What the....?!

 

by Scyess
1-12-05
Though on second thought, maybe strip poker wasn't such a hot idea.
Flush, jack high! Who's ugly now, bitch?
CRAP! I can't believe I lost with three nines!

 

by Scyess
1-14-05
Damn you, LFooaC Man! You've foiled my evil plans for the last time!
Why? Are you going to retire or something?
Yeah. It's getting harder to work as the cancer spreads.
Man. I've got the lamest super-hero nemises of anyone I know.

 

by Scyess
1-14-05
You may not realize it, but you've taught me much of what I know about love.
Only if you equate love to physical abuse, you loser! HAIIIYA!
GAH!
Oh, wait... I forgot about the mental abuse...
No, I knew about that part before.

 

by Scyess
1-18-05
What've you got against ducks?
I love ducks. They're beautiful animals. Their colorful and graceful flight is a joy, and their cheerful quacks are sonorous and soothing.
So much for loving ducks.
I love ducks in general... not necessarily those particular ducks.

 

by Scyess
1-22-05
Can I help you?
I doubt it.
Can you make my job stop sucking? Can you motivate me to get a life? Can you make the girl of my dreams love me??!
No, but I can give you a "value meal" and save you $1.28.
*sigh* I guess that'll have to do.

 

by Scyess
1-22-05
You know, Tataki, if you don't start treating me better, you just might lose me.
Why should I worry about "losing" something I never wanted in the first place?
See? It's just that kind of hurtful remark that will be the end of this relationship.
And it's that kind of remark which could end this relationship with a homocide.

 

by Scyess
1-23-05
So are you the glass-is-half-empty kind, or the glass-is-half-full kind?
For $2.50 a pop, you'd better bloody bring me the whole glass.
No, I mean, are you an optimist or a pessimist?
Neither. I'm just thirsty.
What sort of beverage does this Rorschach blot look like to you?
I swear, this is the last time I eat at FreudenBurger.

 

by Scyess
1-23-05
I think I'll regail you for several hours with long-winded accounts of my personal problems.
Ha!
You think you have personal problems? I have no nose and no ears! That's 40% of the senses that I'm completely lacking! How's that for a personal problem?
Um, excuse me, but I believe we were talking about ME, here.
Sorry. Do go on.

 

by Scyess
1-24-05
Can you believe someone actually published a book claiming that Abraham Lincoln was gay?
Of course. A book claiming a great American hero lived a socially controversial lifestyle will sell millions of copies, allowing the author to retire wealthy.
But... the evidence...
What part of "retire wealthy" didn't you understand?
My lord. I just realized that Harriet Tubman was a flaming pedophile!
Sure, but can you turn it into 1000 pages?

 

by Scyess
1-25-05
I'm sorry. Nothing you can say can convince me to support a case for genocide.
Chihuahuas.
...okay, nothing else can...
Texans.

 

by Scyess
1-25-05
You're pathetic. Look at you. You have no excuse for being so wreched.
It really gets on my nerves, how depressing you are. It almost makes me want to cry, if I weren't so disgusted.
Maybe you should consider a career as a "before" picture. Or maybe a demotivational speaker.
Dude... just bring me the fucking Happy Meal.

 

by Scyess
1-26-05
Bro, I got some problems, I think I kinda might need help.
I'm gonna let you in on the secret of my success as a man.
Yeah? What's that?
Whenever I have my down days, and things get rough, I ask myself, "What would Michael Jackson do?"
I have a sudden urge to back away rapidly.
Relax, kid. You're a little old for me.

 

by Scyess
1-26-05
Man... I gotta go...
AAAAAHHH!!
Don't even think about it!
Um, is there any particular reason Jon is in the fetal position behind the couch in a pool of his own filth?
I've been telling him he needs to take up a hobby, but this...

Showing page 20.

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