All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
6-03-05
Bell bottoms are back in style.
No, bell bottms went out of style a long time ago.
Yes, but then they came back into style.
Yes, but then they went back out of style again.
But maybe they've come back into style now.
You're just trying to trick me into wearing pants.

 

by Scyess
6-05-05
I'm going to the natrual food store. Want anything?
Oh, you're still doing that huh? I guess it's just a little out of fashion...
What do you mean? Nothing's more in fashion than natural food!
I personally do all my shopping at the supernatural food store. It's so much better.
I am the ghost of that burger you just ate!!!
Great! Fetch me a Sprite, willya?

 

by Scyess
6-06-05
How would you feel if someone said something offensive to you?
Great! It would give me an excuse to do this!
GAH!
I don't know if sensitivity training is doing you much good.
It's cheaper than buying a heavy bag.

 

by Scyess
6-07-05
Hi. Are you the guy who writes those insipid little messages they put into fortune cookies?
Kindness can move mountains that armies cannot break.
I STRIKE A BLOW IN THE NAMES OF INTELLIGENCE AND CULINARY AUTHENTICITY! HAAIIIYYYA!!
SUCCESS IS FOUND BY THOSE WHO SEEK IT!!!
Look... I'm trying to help, but "You will come into a great deal of money," is not a proper answer to "Where does it hurt?"
Wisdom is not gained through experience, but through learning.

 

by Scyess
6-07-05
Do you think you're going too far with this natural food thing? There's a jar of pickles in here "with no preservatives."
I don't like preservatives in my food.
THEY'RE PICKLES!!!!!
Okay. Maybe just a tiny bit too far.

 

by Scyess
6-08-05
Can I help you?
I'd like a ticket to Nome, Alaska.
Certianly. Any special requests?
I request you tell everyone that if I hear any jokes about my height while I'm going to Nome, I'll rip off their head and hunt down their entire family.
I'm fairly sure that's against FAA regulations.
What is that? Some sort of short crack?

 

by Scyess
6-09-05
Yo, Jon. What's new?
I'm thinking of taking a long vacation away from all the wierdos I hang out with.
You hang out with wierdos?
Not if you don't count pink cattle, demonic subcreatures, aliens, and pedophilic cowboys.
That's distrubing.
This from a 9½ foot tall dick ventriloquist.

 

by Scyess
6-09-05
I wonder how Darwin would explain pink cattle.
Easy. Pink bulls eat meat. We evolved to be soft and cute and pink to lure other bulls to try to mate with us. Then we eat them.
Oh! I guess that's a pretty good gig, then.
It is. Unless, of course, the other bulls succeed.
Ouch.
We're hoping the next stage of evolution will involve metal grating around our buttocks.

 

by Scyess
6-10-05
~~blah blah blah~~
**munch munch**
WHY THE HELL AM I JUST SITTING HERE? I WANT TO WRESTLE ALIGATORS! I WANT TO CLIMB MOUNTAINS! I WANT TO CURE DISEASES! I WANT TO EAT EXOTIC DISHES OUT OF NATIVES' AMPLE CLEAVAGE!!!
All that stuff is on channel 237.
*click* ~~blah blah blah~~
**munch munch**

 

by Scyess
6-10-05
I've invented a toilet which solves once and for all the splashback problem!
Really?
Oh, yes. As a bonus, the bowl never needs cleaning and it's guarenteed never to get clogged!
This is an outhouse.
I prefer the name "Toiletron-5000".

 

by Scyess
6-13-05
Doesn't it suck to work around ultimate evil all day?
Nah. You get used to it.
There's the paperwork, the conference calls, the unnecessary layers of management...
That only sounds moderately evil.
Did I mention the lukewarm bulk-purchased coffee?

 

by Scyess
6-13-05
I've made a bet with Samantha that I could come up with ultmate evil which is more ultimate than her ultimate evil. Any suggestions?
Check behind you.
'sup, dawg.
That's your idea of ultimate evil? A mouse that speaks bad gangsta slang?
I spent the rest of this month's evil budget on ham salad.

 

by Scyess
6-13-05
So you're going to represent me in the contest for the ultimate evil, huh?
Word.
What's so evil about you?
If I bite'cha, it hurts like a beeyoch and ya gots ta get a rabies shot, yo.
You call that ultimate evil?
I'll settle for pentultimate.

 

by Scyess
6-13-05
I'm looking for ultimate evil, here. Can you engulf entire worlds in seas of flame and feast painfully upon their souls for all eternity?
Naw.
You told me earlier you can engulf worlds!
I lied on my résumé.
That's unethical.
In the business, we prefer the term "evil."

 

by Scyess
6-13-05
Oh. Hi. Is it, um, time for the showdown of ultimate evil already?
Oh, you bet. I've got my guy.
"Dzrrdain here is in charge of engulfing entire worlds in seas of flame and feasting painfully upon their souls for all eternity."
Ggrrrrr...
At least we know whose résumé you copied.
Shiiit, dawg. I jus' remembered I gots an apponitment to get mah teeth gold plated.

 

by Scyess
6-13-05
So you're putting your pet mouse against my demonic overlord?
Uh... yeah.
What was the bet for again? Your soul?
It was for three bucks!
Uh... care up up the ante?
NO!

 

by Scyess
6-13-05
In the battle for the title of Ultimate Evil, we have Dzrrdain, Engulfer of Worlds, verses, er... a Mouse Who Speaks Bad Gangsta Slang
ROOOAARR!!!
Fuck this shiznit!
FIGHT!!!!
I swear I've never heard of a demon having to get a rabies shot before.
Stop whining and fork over my three bucks.

 

by Scyess
6-14-05
I met an areobics instructor today and I want to ask her out.
Give me your honest opinon. Do you think I have a shot?
Since she's obviously concerned enough with physical appearance to turn it into her career, I'd say you should forget about it.
Um, did you just subtilely call me ugly?
Sorry. I didn't mean to be subtle.

 

by Scyess
6-16-05
. . .
. . .
Any ideas?
Nope.
There's got to be something we can make out of this molehill.
Don't you think you're making too big a deal out of this?

 

by Scyess
6-16-05
Things are getting dull around here. What can we do to spice things up a bit?
>>>GRATUITOUS PUSSY-STROKING SCENE<<<
Rowr, baby!
Oh, yeah! Do it like that!
That wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
See ya. Puns like that give me intestinal cramps.

 

by Scyess
6-17-05
You know, it surprises me you actually care one way or the other about abortion rights.
I don't.
Well, why are there people with "Stop Killing Babies" signs picketing your house?
Oh, that. I had a little... accident at the nursery.
I thought it was just a smoke gernade! I swear!

 

by Scyess
6-18-05
Life® is like a box of chocolates...
How's that?
It gets devoured one piece at a time? If not stored properly it melts? It makes you fat and gives you tooth decay? You can give it to your girlfriend but she may just toss it in a drawer?
Uh... I was thinking that they both come in a box. I guess you didn't notice the little ®.
I guess I was too stunned at the blinding outdatedness of this joke.

 

by Scyess
6-18-05
Okay, Jon. Let's dig deep and find the source -- the very origin of all your negative energy.
MY GOD! THAT TALENTLESS HACK KEANU REEVES HAS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND BEVIES OF GIRLS WHILE I REMAIN UNEMPLOYED AND ALONE!!!
Okay... good. Now I will help you to cleanse away that negativity.
You'll buy me a gun and a ticket to LA?

 

by Scyess
6-18-05
Love is a many-splendored thing. Like the Hope Diamond.
... which you'll never have, either.
Why don't you practice for your Suicide Hotline job interview on someone else?
No... wait... love is like finding a billion dollars in a wallet on the sidewalk...

 

by Scyess
6-20-05
I turned into an ass the other day.
Was it some sort of Shakespearean curse?
No, but those were the worst directions I'd ever gotten.
Take my advice... if you ever want to get somewhere, don't ask a colon polyp.
I suddenly feel like driving my left foot up your parkway.

 

by Scyess
6-20-05
My kid's school play is this afternoon, but I have to work all night to close this EAS deal with Linda...
Just go! No one ever said on their deathbed, "If only I'd spent more time at the office!"
Hey, you're right! Screw EAS... that's my kid out there!
Yeah!
50 years later...
If only I'd spent more time at the office, I could afford health insurance right now.
Ask me for spare change again, bitch!

 

by Scyess
6-20-05
I bought a book entitled Successful Negotation Skills in Three Minutes or Less.
That couldn't possibly be worth reading.
It wasn't. The pages were cut out to hide the Colt 45.
I'm afraid to see what's in How to Capture a Woman's Heart.
That reminds me... I need borrow a meat cleaver. Think the library has a copy of Thin Thighs in Thirty Seconds?

 

by Scyess
6-21-05
Hey there, cutie. Not only will I rock your world, I've even brought my own protection.
HAAIIIYYYYA!
GAH!
I find your protection to be lacking.
Whatever happened to "No, thanks"?

 

by Scyess
6-22-05
I can't believe it. You're smart, funny, gorgeous, and willing to go on a date with me. Why isn't a girl like you already attached?
A lot of men are turned off when I tell them I'm a lawyer.
Oh. Well. I mean, that's not that bad, I guess.
Yep. Sexual harassment suits, mostly.
Great. Now I have to somehow go the rest of the evening without speaking or making eye contact. If only the men's room had a window!
Wow. You're still here! By now most guys would be trying to sneak out a window or something.

 

by Scyess
6-23-05
I'm thinking of travelling to some quaint little country for a vacation.
Aw, man! You've got to be careful with those little countries!
What? Why?
I once went to a country so small, they had to use iced tea for currency. I tried to escape to a neighboring country but their monitary unit was live ducks.
I think I'll be happy to go anywhere people don't inhale so much paint thinner.
I lost a fortune! I had no idea how much ducks like iced tea.

 

by Scyess
6-23-05
Having kids isn't so bad, once you get past the gesticulation period.
Don't you mean the gestation period?
Geez, mom! Stop talking to that guy and come ON already!
You're taking FOREVER! Hurry UP! I want to GO!!!
I said...
You poor, poor woman.

 

by Scyess
6-27-05
...and we guarentee the XTL-920 is the last car you'll ever need to buy!
Really? Is it that because it's so reliable...
...or is it because it has no bumper, air bags, seat belts, or brakes?
You bastard. I've spent five hours selling you this car! You're not supposed to read the fine print until after you buy it!
That's okay. I really just came in here to use your bathroom.

 

by Scyess
6-27-05
The employees here are sick of your heavy-handed, condescending rules! People work here! Not chattle! A pox on you and all your offspring!
I'm not heavy-handed or condescending. People love to work here. Who are you? Do you even work here?
Stop defying my stereotype of corporate America!
I'm calling security.

 

by Scyess
6-27-05
Oh! You must be a superhero, too! I'm Launches-Fish-out-of-a-Cannon Man!
What? That's your power? Shooting fish out of cannons?
Er, I also make a mean cucumber salad.
That's pathetic! Get out of here! I have real superhero work to do!
------------------------------------------*BOOM!!!*
Christ, any loser with a wierd fetish thinks he should be a superhero the days. Wait... what was that sound?
YYEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

by Scyess
6-27-05
My Launches-Fish-out-of-a-Cannon Man superhero alterego languishes. I need to find some hero work soon.
You could try cleaning out the disgusting muck that is our refrigerator.
Take this, foul appliance from the netherworld! **BOOM * BOOM * BOOM**
It occurs to me belatedly that the best way to clean out a refrigerator might not be to splatter it with dead fish.
Maybe you should find a damsel in who's in distress trying to teach her cat to fetch.

 

by Scyess
6-27-05
I must tread carefully... I sense evil in this cave...
Hi!
GAH! Who are you? Are you the epicenter of the evil I am sensing?
Who me? Nah. I'm just an ordinary girl who invented the ideas of little sweaters for pets!
My God... it's worse than I thought.
They threw me in here just before I could release my new line of stilleto heels for iguanas. Can you believe it?

 

by Scyess
6-27-05
Do you realize that every single woman you've ever seen, met, or talked to who has kids...
... yeah?
AT SOME POINT IN TIME, THAT WOMAN HAS PASSED AN OBJECT THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL THROUGH HER VAGINAL OPENING!!! DOES THAT NOT FREAK YOU OUT?!??!
Not really. Some of them might have adopted.
Oh... yeah...

 

by Scyess
6-28-05
What's the prognosis?
Well, over the last few weeks, I've run every test I know on you, and a few I don't, and I've come to an inescapeable conclusion...
What? What is it?
I think there might be something seriously wrong with your health. You should see a doctor.
Mind if I keep the stool sample? I've got a collection.

 

by Scyess
6-29-05
I know you're trying to intimidate me into giving up my wallet...
...but my reality is controlled by my own perception! Your being is only fact within my consciousness! I can erase your existence by simply refusing to believe you exist!
I'd say his wallet was cut out with a sharp instrument, along with most of his ass.
I swear... if one more fucking solipsist gets his ass cut off around here, I'm transfering to the 037.

 

by Scyess
6-29-05
You may think you're going to kick my ass...
..but the image of you before me is defined for me within my personal reality!With the power of my mind, I can erase you from my conscious reality and make you no more tangible than a whimsical dream!
What was he saying before you beat the living shit out of him?
I don't know. Something about erasing his consciousness.

 

by Scyess
6-29-05
I suppose I should pay you for my half of the meal...
...but money and food exist only as I see them! Your individuality, purpose, are only as I perceive them! With the power of thought, I can change my reality so that you no longer want repayment!
Uh... I'm pretty sure that's not what I was going for.
You again? I guess I didn't kill you enough the first time...

 

by Scyess
6-29-05
You probably want to burn away my flesh for fun...
...but my flesh is part of my being, which exists only in my own mind! With my thoughts I can therefore erase you... um... I will era-... aahhhh... why aren't you being erased?
Sorry. Demon, you know.
Fuck.

 

by Scyess
6-29-05
Hi, Jon!
My own consciouisness shapes my world! I do not need to accept images as my mind presents them, but, having control over my mind, I can shape the images around me!
Sometime we need to discuss a simple list of valid responses to "Hi, Jon."
I can't believe that worked.

 

by Scyess
6-29-05
Dammit. It's my turn to pick, and I want to watch Hermaphrodite Heifers Hump Honolulu.
Your desires are only conveyed to me through the medium of my perception, which is unreliable! If I convince my mind that you are what you're not, then in my own reality, it becomes so!
Hey, what the...!
What? You think you're the only militant solipsist around here? Now let's watch some cow porn!

 

by Scyess
7-01-05
Did you know that some people's lives are so empty they're forced to live through the accomplishments of others?
Really?
Yes. Lacking any purpose or accomplishments of their own, they become overly empathetic on those who actually do things of note.
That's sad.
By the way, I heard the Pistons won last night.
FUCKIN' A YEAH!!! WE'RE #1!!!!

 

by Scyess
7-01-05
No one seems to know who will replace O'Conner on the Supreme Court.
I know. A woman.
That's not what people are talking about. They're talking about how conservative...
Yeah, because it's a given that a woman has to replace a woman. Otherwise it's somehow politically incorrect. It's a given. Our appointees are really decided by race and gender, not political views.
...not that you're cynical, or anything.
Now if a white man had retired, then we could all wonder whether he'd be replaced by a woman, a minority, or a minority woman.

 

by Scyess
7-01-05
Oh, to be young and foolish again!
But you're not old now. Or terribly bright.
I know. I just felt like being nostalgic.
I think you have to had some sort of actual past event in order to be nostalgic.
Man, those were some great burritos we ate last week.
Oh, to be full and flatulent again!

 

by Scyess
7-05-05
All those anti-drug campaigns make drugs sound really cool.
My friend, you have come to the right place.
What've you got?
Whatever you're into. I got stuff you can shoot, stuff you can smoke, stuff you can free-base...
Do you maybe have anything that doesn't require fire?
Uh, inhalant?

 

by Scyess
7-05-05
Did I tell you I'm an athiest?
Oh? I didn't know you were religious.
I'm not religious, you idiot. Athiests don't believe in God.
You have proof?
I don't need proof! It's OBVIOUS.
Believing something without proof sounds a lot like a religion to me.

 

by Scyess
7-05-05
Beware, doers of evil! I am The Human Firefly!
Awesome! What can you do? Can you fly around and throw fire?
No, not really.
Does your butt light up?
Actually, I throw sonic waves. But all the good names were taken...
SURELY I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE GETTING SICK OF THIS PARODY-SUPER-HERO SCHTICK!!

Showing page 25.

« Previous Next »