All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
10-13-05
Yes?
YOU TEWW ME TO DWOP DAT FUNK? I PITY DA FOOW WHO DANG DA SPAM CAN WIGHTWY!
Okay, so... that was the weirdest thing I've ever...
Hi. Sorry to bother you, but could I borrow a cup of bile?

 

by Scyess
10-17-05
Look at that. Why would someone put a sign outside their house that says "OLD PEOPLE LIVE HERE!"?
What sign. All I see is a sign that says, "Rupert Loinahandel for Alderman."
True, but who the hell votes for alderman except old people?
Uuhhhh...
It could be Rupert Loinahandel's house.
LOINAHANDEL, YOU BASTARD! WHY HAVEN'T YOU REPLACED THAT STOPSIGN AT BALL STREET!??!??!

 

by Scyess
10-17-05
And what makes you think you're qualified to be a physician at this hospital?
I think my CV says it all, don't you?
I don't think being a champion at dart throwing and mud wrestling really qualifies you.
That's okay. I'll take anything that involves making people remove their pants.

 

by Scyess
10-17-05
Holy crap! Is my house on fire?!?!
Not yet. We just came by to make sure.
GOOOOSH!!!
I guess I should admire their proactive approach...
Hi. I stopped by to let you know that as long as you have legs there's a chance you might one day get gangreene.

 

by Scyess
10-17-05
I was thinking. What if there is no Heaven or Hell? What if morality is just an arbitrary set of rules passed down for the amusment of the higher power?
That's ridiculous. I'm from Hell. I know what I'm talking about. It's a horrible, tortuous inferno of pain and misery.
Oh, that's right. Sorry.
Well, I've got to be getting back.
You haven't been talking the the media again, have you, Reginald?
Don't be silly, Samantha. How hurry along or we'll miss the nude volleyball game.

 

by Scyess
10-17-05
Um, can I help you?
Sorry, I'm sort of at a loss here. Would you mind terribly running away screaming?

 

by Scyess
10-17-05
I don't like it when men fart in my presence.
HAAAIYA!!!
Hey! Nobody farted!
I was changing the subject.

 

by Scyess
10-17-05
I got a call about a 1039. Kitten stuck in a tree?
No! It's me! I've been nailed to a tree! Get me down.
No, that would be a 1049. I'm here about a 1039.
WHAT THE FUCK! I'M NAILED TO A GIANT CROSS! WHY DON'T YOU GET ME DOWN?!
You insenstive bastard. What happens to the kitten if I spend all my time on you?
I didn't think of that. Nevermind.

 

by Scyess
10-18-05
Trick'r Treat, Jon.
What the hell are you doing, Frank? Halloween isn't for two weeks, you're drunk, and you don't even have a costume.
I do too have a costume.
You don't have a costume. You have a beer.
I know. I'm Frank 'n' Stein.
You're about to be Punched-in-the-Head 'n' Stein.

 

by Scyess
10-20-05
Damn. You look like shit.
I know. I was up all night finishing the book I was reading.
Why? You said it wasn't that interesting.
I know! But I had to find out what happened! I couldn't stop myself! I stayed up until I turned the last page.
Next time we'll have to buy a microwave with a thinner instruction book.
Turns out I was right about the ending.

 

by Scyess
10-21-05
All right! My own genie! My first wish is to be a world-class Olympic runner!
Your wish is granted... if you do me one tiny service.
Uh, what would that be?
You must run for eight hours a day every day for the next eleven years.
That's stupid. I could do that on my own.
Then why the hell are you bothering me?

 

by Scyess
10-22-05
Why is there a roadblock, officer? Are mass murderer on the loose?
No. We're doing alcohol screening for drivers going down this street.
What the fuck?!! Why are fucking people so paranoid about alcohol?! Christ, more people die every year of heart disease than drunk driving, but I don't see you bastards staking out McDonalds!!
Man. Traffic is killer out there today. There must've been twenty cops stopping people at every fast food joint.
We're all doomed.

 

by Scyess
10-25-05
The Post Office has invested billions of dollars to perfect a dual-space transportation system to make sure you get your mail AS SOON AS IT HITS THE BOX! Have a nice day.
Wow. All that AND I may already be a winner.

 

by Scyess
10-25-05
You shameless bastards. It isn't even Halloween yet and you already have your Christmas stuff out!
I guess I won't be showing you our stock of stuff for New Year's '07.

 

by Scyess
10-27-05
US GDP growth slipped .4% in the third quarter...
...but stocks nevertheless rallied today on predictions of 17000% growth in the singing plush animatronics sector in Q4.
Hm. Must be Christmastime.
The industry predicts massive materials cost savings this year by digging last year's dolls directly out of the landfills they were dumped into in January...

 

by Scyess
10-28-05
I've got a problem, doc. It burns when I pee.
Hm... are you sexually active?
No...
Then my diagnosis is that your dick is on fire.
I'd recommend not wearing anything polyester until your condition improves.

 

by Scyess
10-31-05
...so I said, "Your hair is so pristine, I'd love to run my fingers through it."
And did she let you?
She started to, but then she freaked out.
That's odd.
I thought it might happen, but those chicken fingers were too greasy to eat without wiping them first.
Jon, Jon, Jon... did you learn nothing from the Slurpee incident?

 

by Scyess
10-31-05
Why do you spend so much time on the Internet?
I like the anonymity. No one can prejudge you there.
No one can tell that I'm white, or that I never comb my hair, or that my socks smell like landfills.
But everyone can tell you're an asshole.
Holy crap! Look at how this moron spelled "there!" Now I get to make fun of him for several pages.

 

by Scyess
10-31-05
♫ It's a dead man's party... ♫ Leave your body and soul at the door ♫
These 80s lyrics are silly. If you leave your body and soul at the door, what's left to come to the party?
Maybe your shoes.
That's stupid. It's not like there were all sorts of footwear jamborees twenty years ago.
Meanwhile, back in the 80s...
I don't get it. If you leave your tongue and sole at the door, what's left?
Maybe your laces.

 

by Scyess
11-01-05
What's the most important thing to a woman in a romantic relationship? Great sex, stability, mutual respect, or fun?
Honestly, I think the most important thing in a romantic relationship is that it not be with you.
The more information I get on this subject, the less helpful it is.
Also important is not trying to initiate one by lacing sappy, hypothetical questions with pathos in hope of sympathy.

 

by Scyess
11-02-05
Hey, cool! A robot! Who are you, little guy?
I AM THE THAI BOT
Right on. What do you do?
PRIMARY FUNCTION: TO FLUCTUATE MODERATELY AGAINST THE DOLLAR RELATIVE TO OTHER SOUTHEAST ASIAN CURRENCIES
Man... they shouldn't let robotics engineers dabble in currency trading.
NOW I HAVE A YEN TO PUT ON A FEW POUNDS AT DINAR. EURO K BY ME; YUAN TO JOIN ME? I'LL PESO WON YOU COME?

 

by Scyess
11-03-05
Do you ever worry about the future? Do you ever have the desire to leave your mark on future generations? To be remembered so your name lives forever?
Why? Whether my name is remembered or not, I'LL still be just as dead.
That man has no sense of history.
I leave my mark on future generations by urinating on elementary school kids.

 

by Scyess
11-03-05
Someday I will be rich... and famous... and POWERFUL!!!
You DO realize that will take some effort on your part, right?
I sense an all night Bubble Bobble marathon looming.
I get to be the blue guy!

 

by Scyess
11-03-05
How shall I kick thee in the face? Let me count the ways...
ONE!
TWO!!
I find I'm not enjoying our chats as much as I used to...

 

by Scyess
11-03-05
Some people might say your constant desire to hurt me stems from the frustration of a deep-down attraction you're afraid to admit to.
PSYCHOANALZYE THIS, SIGMUND!
Oh, yeah. She wants me.
This going to hurt a lot, but please understand I'd rather swallow a live hedgehog than date you.

 

by Scyess
11-03-05
Just once I'd like to have a chat with you that doesn't end in my getting the shit kicked out of me.
HAAIIIYYAAAA!
You're right. It's kind of refreshing to get that over with ahead of time.
Lovely. Shall we chat about where my nose landed?

 

by Scyess
11-04-05
For the last time, Jon! Clean out the damned sink!
You're so anal. The dishes have only been in there since Wednesday.
Wednesday? Which Wednesday?
Uh, Wednesday, September 7th.
Of what year?
I think she's on to me.

 

by Scyess
11-04-05
I've got it! What if -- insted of polluting the planet with landfills -- we just launch all our garbage on spaceships into the sun?
Well... for one that would eventually reduce the mass of the earth so much that we wouldn't be able to maintain orbit and fly off into space.
Erm... then... we could create a giant lasso to catch comets as they...
Just take out the fucking recycling already, you lazy bastard.

 

by Scyess
11-07-05
SCREEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
. . . !
FIRES! FLOODS! PESTILENCE! EXPLOSIONS! MURDER! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL YOU HOLD SACRED, GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE NOW! WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!
AAAAAAA!!!!
This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system. Had this been an actual emergency, I would've been gone a long time ago.

 

by Scyess
11-07-05
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM
Holy shit, Jon! What the hell are you doing?
"No pain, no gain," they say. So I'm slamming my head against the edge of the table until I gain from it.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM
I'm actually kind of surprised he can't see the flaw in that logic.
Even if he could before, I doubt he can now.

 

by Scyess
11-08-05
Next, on Generic Cable Network...
More reruns of shows that were cancelled decades ago because they were old and tired then.
What are you watching?
The slow but steady decline of civilization.

 

by Scyess
11-09-05
Hi there. My name's Jon. What's yours?
Um... No hablo Inglés.
I never realized how common that name was until I started dating.
No hablo Español, either... in case you do.

 

by Scyess
11-10-05
Tonight on the City Report, we bring sordid stories of local malpractice in the world of bikini modelling!
We'll have exclusive photos of the bikini-clad victims of this man, who is in no way our station president dressed in scrubs and covered in chocolate.
..and stay tuned for news at ten, where we continue our investigative report on the wealthy being vigorously licked in swimwear boutiques.

 

by Scyess
11-11-05
How do I hide all the porn on my computer?
Just change all the pictures to black & white. Then they magically turn from "porn" into "art."
Man. I love living in the modern age.
You can also turn the recycling into art by gluing it all together.

 

by Scyess
11-11-05
If Bush really cared about Iraq, he'd grab a rifle and be out there himself.
That's stupid. The leader of any organization needs to spend his time leading, not doing everyday tasks.
In ancient civilizations, the leader of the army would be right there in front, fighting with the troops!
Oh. Are you referring to the civilizations that don't exist anymore?
I didn't know you were a Republican stooge.
And I didn't know correcting faulty logic was a partisan endeavor.

 

by Scyess
11-12-05
Good news. The state of American gluttony is safe: I just drank an entire 492 oz. Coke Slurpee.
Did you know it kind of hurts when your urine is 90% undigested soda?
Why you don't write children's books, I'll never know.

 

by Scyess
11-14-05
So there's this guy I see every day at the coffee shop. He asks me how I am, I ask him, etc. etc. We chat for at least 5-10 minutes every day.
It's been going on for months, but I don't know his name, and I'm afraid it's too late to ask. What should I do?
Never leave the house again.
I meant what should a normal human being do, not what would you do.
I miss the sun. Damn that supermarket check-out guy!

 

by Scyess
11-14-05
Hi. My name is Lisa, but people call me Mistress Night. What's your name?
Uh, just Jon.
What? Don't you have a goth name?
Sorry, I'm not a goth. I'm just in black and white.
How delicious. Do you dispair over being cast-out for your unique deformity?
No, but occasionally I get a wicked sunburn.

 

by Scyess
11-15-05
Oh, hey, baby. You're so hot. I've got a huge boner for your sweet ass!
Oh yeah, big boy?
Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, huge in relative terms. As huge as it ever gets, anyway.
Dammit, Jon! What did I tell you about being overly specific?
I dunno. Something... I guess...

 

by Scyess
11-16-05
...so how about it?
Sorry. And by "sorry," I just mean to say "no," not express any sort of regret that that's the answer.
Damn! What's wrong with women these days?
How come every time you have a problem with a woman, you have to generalize her faults to my entire gender?
Well... how else could you explain the rejection of such a handsome, witty, intelligent, fun-loving, gorgeous, aromatic...
Men!

 

by Scyess
11-16-05
How do you like the song I just wrote? Pretty good, ya?
It sucked. I could write a better song by shoving a harmonica up your ass and force-feeding you a boiled cabbage.
I'm still curious where she managed to find a harmonica that big!
♫ hmmmphrtm ♫

 

by Scyess
11-16-05
...so you wanna go out sometime?
Go to hell.
Hey, Sam. I thought I'd come visit.
Nice to see you, Jon. You should stop by more often.
I'm back. So how about we go out sometime?
Um... Go fuck yoruself?

 

by Scyess
11-19-05
If you ever have kids, will you practice corporal punishment?
You mean spank them? No.
Really? That's nice.
Ya. Instead I would dedicate a room in the house as a tribunal to put them on trial. Each trial would be months of emotionally draining bureaurocracy.
Uh...
They would grow to fear that room more than anything else in the world. Hey, this is sounding pretty fun. Let's copulate.

 

by Scyess
11-20-05
Oh my gosh. Who are you? Where am I?
You're dreaming, and I'm your unborn child. I'm in danger of never being born unless you can stop being such a loser and get a date.
What? Really?
Yeah. Then I'm going to need you to change my diapers, pay for my education, put up with my shit in my teenage years, buy me a car, put me through rehab... all that stuff. So hop to it.
A vow of celibacy? What's next? A vow of oxygen consumption?
Laugh if you will, but rehab is expensive.

 

by Scyess
11-21-05
Would you rather be buried or creamated?
That's a pretty morbid question.
Still, it's something you gotta think about...
True, I guess. I guess I'd rather be creamated.
That's mighty fine. Now maybe we can work out a deal, seeing as how heating costs are going up this winter...
Wait... can I change my answer?

 

by Scyess
11-21-05
But could you look into the depths my mortal soul, you could thus glean how inifinite my capacity of love for you.
Alas, with earthly eyes I cannot gaze upon the ephemeral contents of a soul.
Yet with mine mortal foot shall I attempt to gaze upon the smooshy contents of thine skull.
If you find something that looks like a soul, you can keep it.
I think I just stepped in it. Is it smooshy?

 

by Scyess
11-23-05
How much does the pork platter cost?
An arm and a leg.
Uh, no offense, but could I get a different waiter?
Certainly, sir.
How much for the seafood special?
Expect to shell out a few clams.

 

by Scyess
11-23-05
What the hell is that pile of stuff?
Dust bunnies. I finally got around to sweeping under the bed.
That huge pile is dust bunnies?
Yes. And I think it might've been a mistake to pile them up in one place. I think they're beginning to evolve into an intelligent life form.
"Must... watch... Nip/Tuck... on... FX..."
There goes that theory.
I'm seriously considering investing in a vacuum cleaner.

 

by Scyess
11-26-05
You know, I was thinking... it wouldn't be too crazy if you, you know, being a woman and all... and I...
Sorry, Jon. We're destined to be "just friends."
Really?
Yep. Sorry.
YES! I HAVE A FRIEND!
Or maybe we should just be pen pals.

 

by Scyess
11-26-05
Emett! It's been forever! How've you been?
Okay, I guess. I work in Japan now for a big company. I make good money and get to travel all over Asia.
Wow! That's amazing!
Not really. I can still never acheive my dream of becoming a topless sixteen-year-old Japanese girl.
I only leave my house a few times a month...
Must... grow... breasts...

Showing page 27.

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