All comics by AngryAmerican

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by AngryAmerican
7-10-06
I was workin in my shop with hammer and vise, when i slipped with the hammer not once, but twice. It didn't feel nice.
I was flying through the trees over a ranch when i flew too close to a tree and snagged my yambag on a branch.
I went to the vet just past dawn. i woke up hours later and my danglers were gone. But if it was my boys they did take, why does my furry coinpurse still ache?
I rescued this cat who was stuck up a tree. Oh why did he bite my sack and scratch the shit out of me?
I was skipping through the woods in search of honey sweet, but when i found it the bees stung my potatoes and meat.
There was new guy today on the farm. I thought it odd he only had one arm. He tried to milk me, and don't that beat all. Oh my achin balls.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-19-06
So you're tellin me that i just walk down through that dorr and THAT'S the time machine you invented?
That's right. Its chock full of quantum stuff.
Fuck it. I'll give it a whirl. Set it for 5 minutes in the past so i can warn myself, will ya?
Consider it done chrononaut. I'll see you in 10 minutes.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-19-06
Holy shit! It works!
I fucking can't believe it either!
...
...
Let's fuck the shit out of each other.
You got it.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-19-06
these scenes of two 290 lb identical looking men having loathesome, grunting gay sex has been pixelated to protect the squeamish.
however if someone were to invent a time machine, DVD's would soon become available.
They would feature titles like "Lummoxes Gone Wild" and "Huge, Bald Freakfest 4"

 

by AngryAmerican
7-19-06
Christ! That was the greatest sex i've ever had.
That wasn't sex. That was masturbation. We were having sex with ourselves, right?
Huh. Never thought of it that way.
Ready for that blowjob?
Thought you'd never ask.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-25-06
Its weak, but i'm sober and in a hurry. You get the idea...
But Sir, the rebel army is THAT way! If we don't intercept them, Gettysburg will fall!
Listen soldier, I'm the general here *hiccup* and I say when we move and where to. Is zat understood?
But Sir....
No buts, soldier! Now have our scouts found where they're makin that *hiccup* tasty bourbon yet?
Sigh....Yes sir. Right over that hill.
Sound the Charge!

 

by AngryAmerican
7-25-06
Jesus Christ! Look at that horde of mindless noobs. Did someone lift the hunting ban or something?
I know! Its like they have no natural predators and unlimited food. They're everywhere. Christ i found one in my underwear drawer yesterday...
Let's feed em someone before they get in here and eat us. Who should we give em?
How bout Angry American? He's thick witted and meaty, plus he's strong enough to fight em off a bit, probably be fun to watch....
Sounds good to me. I never really got him anyway. Its like OK, they're vikings, we get it. Ya know?
"Hey Angry, i got some beer, c'mere a sec..."

 

by AngryAmerican
7-25-06
Some beer right now would be gnarly. Where's the brews?
Oh, silly me. I left them just outside the front door. Would you be a dear and go get them?
Fuck. I'd drag my balls over fishooks for some beer, no problem.
That's right you great shambling drunk. Go get your beer...
"i am teh gr8test lolz" *What the fuck, get off me!* "i pwn u u all suck" *ARGHH I TOUCHED A CROATIAN* "die u bitch omg lolz" *THERE'S TOO MANY LET ME BACK IN!!!!!"u die now pomg lolz teh rulerz
Well the food supply just got significantly stretched.

 

by AngryAmerican
7-26-06
Hi, AngryAmerican here with a bit of an epiphany. It seems some folks don't think I should've won ANY contests, much less the very controversial 'Time Travel' contest.
With a few desultory comments still burning in my soul, I have realized they are absolutely correct, and that my drinking is nearly out of control.
As a result I vow that starting tomorrow, I'm going to work on becoming the full blown alcoholic I know I can be. Thank you dissentors, you have shown me the light.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-03-06
Hello. I am here to talk to you today about the F.P.D. The Federation for the Pummeling of Dipshits.
As you know, stupid people are a plague in our great nation and indeed, the world. Life can be challenging enough without the added frustration of dealing with the common-sense-deficient.
It has been somewhat scientifically proven that kicking the living shit out of morons every now and then makes them more receptive to to thoughtful action and helpful advice.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-03-06
We at the F.P.D. need your support. Just a few dollars a month can forever change an idiots life and make the world a better place to live in for all of us.
Just think, for the price of a couple of cups of coffee a month, your donations can keep our 'fucktard counselors' out of jail and out there making a difference every day.
But don't take our word for it, listen to some success stories from some former shit-for-brains...

 

by AngryAmerican
8-03-06
I was stuck at a red light blocking 2 lanes of traffic instead of pulling up a bit and letting at least one lane through when a FPD activist pulled me out of the window of my truck
and punched me in the face til i passed out. After i got out of the hospital I realized we all have to share the roads and my actions were inexcusable and frustrating to those around me.
Thank you FPD! Even though i'll never see out of my left eye again because my optic nerve was severed, you showed me the light.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-03-06
I used to work the burger line slaving over the hot grill. Then one day i put extra pickle on a burger when the order clearly said NO pickle.
Lucky for me that sandwich was for a member of the FPD, who proceeded to drag me over the counter and stomp me into a coma.
When i woke up 6 months later, my boss was so impressed with the maturity i acquired while hanging between life and death that he put me on the front counter! Thanks FPD!!

 

by AngryAmerican
8-03-06
I was always too busy getting fucked up in school to pay much attention, so admittedly, i was pretty dumb. Well this one time i tried to get into a bar with a fake ID, but fortunately for me,
the photo on the ID was the wrong race and sex and the doorman just happened to be a member of the FPD. Long story short, after the doctors reconstructed my face and my arms were fully healed i went
back to school and got my GED. Now i'm readin at a 7th grade level and have a promising career as a busboy. I donate a bit of my check every week to the FPD cuz they turned my life around. Thankey!

 

by AngryAmerican
8-03-06
So you see, we're out there on the front lines making a difference every day. Sometimes our clients require multiple beatings to become the productive members of society they've always wanted to be.
And let's face it, lawyers aren't cheap. We just can't do this without your generosity. Remember our motto, "We Give Til It Hurts You"
We're all in this together, if you do your part to stamp out stupidity, we'll do our part to stomp it out. Thank you, and good evening.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-25-06
Dogs respond extremely well to oral sex.
Its not an act that occurs in nature very often. Or at my house.
Ha-ha. Just a little joke there. Seriously though, your dog has the healthiest set of testicles i've ever had the privilege to suckle gently.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-25-06
So can you save my llama's life or not?
Sir, i have to be honest with you. I have very compelling reasons to believe that someone has been sexually abusing this animal. Do you know anything about it?
I always buy dinner first.
You're a sick, sick man. Now let me show you how to locate her clitoris.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-26-06
Well it seems your mule is resisting treatment. I fear we're gonna have to attempt fellatio next.
What's fellatio?
Oh, Amish. Right. Um...Fellatio's an ancient treatment technique utilizing the healing power of ejaculations frequently combined with peanut butter.
What's ejaculations?
*Sigh.* Just give me five minutes alone with your mule, OK?
You're the vet....

 

by AngryAmerican
8-26-06
OK, who's a good doggy? Now hold still while i give you this shot of thorazine then touch you in your bad places...
grrrrrr
Oooh, smart doggy understands what i'm saying. OK boy, who wants to lick peanut butter off my straining manhood then?
hruh....?
Ah-ha! I didn't think doggy was all that smart...Crunchy or smooth?
ruff!

 

by AngryAmerican
8-26-06
Well, I've had enough to drink, do you want to start the brawl or should I?
Uh, I started the last two I think...
Ok. I've been itchin to stab that Dane over there all night. We got enough cash to cover some weregild?
Weregild? I'm not payin a dime for that great useless bastard. But since we're gonna start the fight, I'll throw in that toothless crone I got from Eire. For traditions sake.
You mean Matilda? But she gives the best damn head I've ever had! Why her?
Cuz she's been dead for three days and her mouth hole is all dried up and tough.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-28-06
I'll take a dirty vodka martini, extra filthy.
Sorry pal, last call was 10 minutes ago.
But i'm the Son of God, help a brother out here...
Listen man, if i had a dime for every guy that came in here nailed to a cross claiming to be the Son of God, i woulda paid off my camry by now.
But.......i died for your sins.....
I'm a buddhist. Security!

 

by AngryAmerican
8-28-06
Wait, i don't want any trouble...
You have no idea how long i've been waiting for this day.
You wouldn't hit a guy nailed to a cross, would you?
Fuck yeah i would. Repeatedly.
Sigh. Well at least you don't have a lance...
No, but if you've got a minute to spare, i can whip you up a crown of urinal cakes.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-29-06
Captain, I'm happy to announce that your tribble is going to be fine. She came through the surgery with flying colors!
Thanks doc, that's a relief. But how can you tell if its a female or not? They appear to be nothing more than semi animate balls of fur.
You have to lick teasingly in concentric circles all over the tribble in question. If after an hour or two there's no discharge, it's a female.
...
Or you can attempt insertion....
Security team to bridge.

 

by AngryAmerican
8-29-06
Let's see here. Ingrown toenail, huh? All right, this is what we're gonna do.
I'm going to take my pants off and place one foot on each tusk and assume a squatting position. I then want you to slowly work your trunk into my bumpy starfish. Understand?
Uh oh.
Due to the disturbing and graphic nature of this panel the creator of this comic elected to self censor. Thank you.
That's a good pachyderm...
(insert 'panicked elephant' sound effect here)

 

by AngryAmerican
8-29-06
Ma'am, i'm afraid your daughters hamster is dead. It just...it just stopped moving.
Oh no. She's gonna be so upset.
Yes. She will. The little guy was a fighter though, to the very end. It took me by surprise because i was sure i packed enough trail mix in my ass,
and i really thought that i'd worked all the bugs out of the tiny set of scuba gear...

 

by AngryAmerican
9-01-06
I'll be bock.
I must break you.
I'll be bock.
I must break you.
I'll be bock.
I must break you.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-01-06
Officer, i'm happy to say that your horse is gonna be just fine.
Whoo! That's a relief, i was worried about ole Feisty.
Yup, it turns out that some soulless person shot him with a tranquilizer gun.
Dear God if i ever catch that person, i'll make him wish he'd never been born...
...EEyeah, what a horrible, horrible man....the good news is that he wasn't raped.......much....
My horse is a catamite!?!

 

by AngryAmerican
9-05-06
You see children, there are people who are jealous of our wealth.
That is why i purchased you from your respective governments and brought you here. To aid fellow world econonomies. And do my small part at popumalation control.
Now come over here and i'll show you how much better off you were in your homeland...

 

by AngryAmerican
9-06-06
Oy! I'm disguised as a typical male frat bar goer in order to infiltrate the lair of the elusive Southern Austrailian Downtrodden Barwhore. Gotta be careful, they can appeah outta nowhere...
Oy! There's one now! Oh she's beautiful! Notice the harsh, unnatural chemical hue of her luxurious pelt! And her 'confederate flag' markings! Crikey! What a gorgeous speciman!
Uh-oh, sh'e noticed me...i'm gonna stand still and look broke and desperate. I'm hoping she won't charge me. And adult female SADB can reach speeds of 10 MPH or more when provoked.
Hey baby! buy me a drink. I'll blow ya.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-07-06
Hello, I'm the Archangel Gabriel, your host for the new Fox series 'Ironic Celebrity Deaths'. In this the first episode, we talk with Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots.
This is one great hallucination...
Hi Scott! I understand you died from quitting heroin. Pretty ironic, huh?
This is some very good shit. I love my ceiling.
Is there any particular reason you're dressed as a pirate?
Who quit heroin?

 

by AngryAmerican
9-07-06
So tell me Paris Hilton, how do you feel about your death?
Well, like i never thought that sewing a quilt would ever be so dangerous.
Did it ever occur to you the grizzly bears DO NOT have body hair that can be made into wool?
Fuck no. The producers of my show, The Simple Life, told me that Scottish knit sweaters right from the bear...
Well I for one am shocked... Join us next week when we find out if Rosie O'Donnell could tell the difference between a tuna cannery and a lesbian bar....
We're still on for a third season, right?

 

by AngryAmerican
9-12-06
Miguel, this is crazy! What am i supposed to do now?
The way i figure, it there's only two options...
One: stop being s skank ass whore, or,
get on your knees and suck the wrinkles outta my sack while i'm dressed as a superhero.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-12-06
Hmm. I guess i'll go with 'B'.
You made the right choice, slut. Now get to work. This scrotum ain't gonna smooth itself out.
Mmmmmummmph. *gulp* Glummmph. Ulp, pfffmphfftt.
Do it quieter. Bitch.
mmph, fapfapfapfap, mmmmm
Tongue ironed a few applebags in your day, haven't you? Skank.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-14-06
Sports heros deserve every bit of money their oily agents can get them. After all, i don't throw my hard earned cash at fat, balding owners, do i?
No sir! But i will gladly cough up $150 for a jersey with my favorite players number and name on it. And i willingly surrender $6 for a hot dog and another $6 for a cup of shitty beer.
Because i worship semi literate athletes and wish i was one...they bring the only joy to my sad, empty life...
You're a fucking tool. Want to borrow my huge foam finger?

 

by AngryAmerican
9-14-06
Ya know Tim, i really hates me some niggers. Unless they're helping my favorite team to victory. Then i adore them.
It's ironic Hal, but i feel the same way. Any other random nigger, and i'd be the first one with a rope looking for a high branch. But there's just somethin about a fast runnin black with a ball..
I know what yer sayin. It gets me hard too. Seein em on that field in those tight pants all tacklin each other and endin up in piles of sweaty manflesh...
Bein all rough with one another. Huge angry black men in jockstraps bashin the crap outta the other team. Just the thought of it makes me wanna....well, you know.
Pay too much for endorsed products, inferior quality vittles and suds followed by ragingly gay sex with steroid enhanced darkies?
Ayup.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-15-06
Stop right there filthy jihadist! The Righteous Freedom Squad is here to save Iran from itself!
Mohammed fucking Prophet! Its the capitalist puppet hero, Captain Alabaster! You have no right to be here! Go home!
Oh were it that easy my lice ridden, heathen friend. But unfortunately your mad dictator of a leader is planning to develop a huge nuclear arsenal to obliterate my homeland. That's scary.
But we have the right as a soverign nation to pursue a nuclear program with nothing but peaceful intentions.
That's where your wrong my false religioned chum! Only countries with enough of an economy to make armageddon distasteful have the right. We won't use them cuz we want your money. See?

 

by AngryAmerican
9-15-06
WE INVADIN....da....I. RAN. YOU NO NUKEY. GLOB SMASH NOW!!
Allah! These american superheros are everywhere! WAIT! I'm not your enemy! I bear you no ill will!
YOU WANNA NUKEY 'MERICA. DESTROY MALLS. KILL BRITNEY! ME SMASH ALL CAMEL PEOPLE!!
I don't want to nuke America, I have family there arrrgh!
AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

 

by AngryAmerican
9-15-06
Soon those crazy americans will be filling the skies with their bombers. What will become of my goats?
Look, there's one now! You know what to do...
Rabbit Twin Powers Activate! Form of an enraged wererabbit with a fireman's axe!
Rabbit Twin Powers Activate! Shape of a Candarian Demon!
Damn! Why the hell do i always say 'enraged wererabbit holding an axe?'
Beats me. I just figured , you know, it was all you could do or sumthin. I wonder if their souls taste like baba ganoosh...?

 

by AngryAmerican
9-17-06
Stop where you stand, power mad Korean! Your days developing rocket science have come to an end! The Righteous Freedom Squad is here!
I do not understand. I am Chinese. This is China. There must be some confusion. Who is the righteous freedom squad?
Nice try, but America doesn't make mistakes, eater of doggies! The RFS is an elite team of freedom loving superheroes who live to crush the dreams of dictators everywhere!
I find amusement in the ironic nature of that statement...
Take me to Kim Jong Il, or prepare to defend yourself, cat ka-bobber! I have a black belt in 17 different disciplines!
From Mcdojo no doubt.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-17-06
All right. Let's make Fulijah look like fucking Disneyland.
I'm going to suck his balls out through his eye sockets, skullfuck him, then pack the gaping holes with with steaming hot lentils.
due to the intense violence, sexual mutilation and the fact that they are minors on this site who must be protected at all costs the RFS has chosen to delete this scene for the good of the world.
Man, that's one dead terrorist. He'll never know the sweet, omnipotent feeling of controlling a genocide grade nuclear arsenal.
His soul tasted like Kix cereal. Odd.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-20-06
Dear fellow Americans, are you tired of every convient store you go into looking like something out of an Al Queda Social Integration Training Manual?
Or having valuable grocery store shelf space being taken up by hummus and baba ganoosh, forcing out your favorite soft cheeses?
Or arrr, being afeared of encountering the most daunting beast on the road, the harried-arabic-minivan-driving mother?
Or listening to Arabic being spoken on TV? Or anywhere in your vicinity?
Or at having to look at swarthy people who are far less attractive than you?
OR...GLOB NOT KNOW...GLOB HATE BOMBY PEOPLE?

 

by AngryAmerican
9-20-06
Then support W.A.R. The War Against iRan! The Righteous Freedom Squad will be spearheading the effort!
Let your voices be heard like the mighty buffalo who, before you nearly wiped them out, used to roam in huge herds across this great nation!
Eeyarrr, America can nay afford to have a bloodthirsty country of nearly vegetarian crazies blastin off nookler bombs us every ten minutes...
Think of the malls for Odin's sake. Think of the malls!
Yes WAR! Let my merciless eye beams be a shining path of death through the ranks of short, hairy people for the salvation of God's chosen country of residency, America!
GLOB KILL ALL WHO GLOB TOLD TO KILL!

 

by AngryAmerican
9-24-06
I am the first character in this comic by virtue of being the furthest left which is where all real cultures begin their sentences or dialogues.
Oooooh! Dialogues is a big word!
Yes! You, the second character to appear in this comic have just responded to me, the first character, thus confirming the natural order of the comic food chain progression.
Bitchin!
Ha! You just did it again, you clever girl! See how this works?
No. I are confused.

 

by AngryAmerican
9-25-06
I'm Willie Nelson. You may remember me from such hit songs as heartbreak hotel and On The Road Again.
The police pulled over my tour bus a little while ago and noticed a pungent odor of marijuana comin from it. So they searched it and confiscated my stash of weed and mushrooms. And my dang tour bus.
Hope they don't find those dead Thai boys strapped to the undercarriage...

 

by AngryAmerican
9-27-06
You can't keep me in here without any evidence!
Hey elfcock, how about not making me beat the shit out of you?
I didn't DO anything!
What about the 3 lbs. of plastic explosives shaped like a barbie doll?
Um...that was for recreational use?
Charlie, I'm gonna need the leg irons and your nightstick...

 

by AngryAmerican
9-28-06
I wish we had more female employees.
Bill, you're a registered sex offender, its not a good idea to let people hear you making statements like that.
But I can't help it if i just loved a duct-taped woman. There's something about a helpless bitch taped to a school desk I just can't get enough of.
Bill, there are some people who would say you need to be locked up forever.
I'm misunderstood. Underneath their ball gags, they're screaming for more. I'm a ninth degree balck belt in Rape-Fu.
Teach me, oh Master.

 

by AngryAmerican
10-09-06
What's wrong Olaf? You look depressed.
My wife said she wants a divorce twice already. All she has to do is say it one more time and by Norse law we're divorced.
Wow, that's heavy. What're ya gonna do?
Well I was thinking of having a feast and inviting a bunch of Swedes over. Then pretend to get drunk and let them steal her, and act all upset and stuff.
Not a bad idea. those Swedes will steal anything not nailed down...
Yeah, but I already nailed her to the floor, so I guess I should remember to leave a pry bar lying around too.

 

by AngryAmerican
10-10-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh---
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
Holy Shit! A robot!!!
TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE ADOLESCENT TIME TRAVELER. I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO RELISH THE SOUND OF SPLINTERING PELVIS. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR BUTTOCK COVERS...
You want to buttfuck me!?!
TOBOR PREFER THE TERM 'CORNHOLE', BUT .......YES.

 

by AngryAmerican
10-12-06
All right Chad from Nickelback, now you pay for your crimes against music and reason. I'm going to torture you death over the course of months.
Dear God, ay! What did I do to you!?!
You wrote that fucking song about 'been down, been wrong, been to the bottom of every bottle...'. You fucked up Chad cuz I CAN'T GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING SONG OUT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING HEAD!!!!
Dude, its just a song! I didn't mean anything, i just wanted to make money!!!
And I truly hope you enjoyed it. I sincerly hope it was worth the hellish nightmare I live everyday with those innane lyrics smashing about in my head. Making me crave death.
I knew i shoulda kept my job at the massage parlor...

 

by AngryAmerican
10-12-06
Now, first thing I'm gonna do is unman you. You're always singin about bangin chicks, so that's the first thing you'll lose, your ability to fuck.
Mmmmphhh, mumph-mmmmrrrr!
Duct tape tastes great, doesn't it? I'm gonna shove this glass tube up your urethra, which I understand hurts a great deal, then smash it with this hammer.
Unghnnnn, mumph fuffffft!
The inevitable urine burning through your lacerated wang will eventually give you septimia. But before you die from it I'll amputate your baloney-poker and nurse you back to health.
ulp.

Showing page 3.

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