All comics by DexX

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by DexX
3-19-01
Your wife asks you THAT question...
Honey... do you think I should try to lose some weight?
oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit
You could be truthful...
Agh, the pain... so much blood... help me! For the love of God!
Call me "fat" will you, motherfucker. Now, where are those secateurs...
...or you could be diplomatic...
*choke* What did I say wrong? I said you were perfect... *gag - spit* ...just the way you are... *cough* Please get a compress to stop the bleeding...
Bastard! You want to keep me just like I am, hold me back, never let me improve myself... I'm calling my mother! She can hold you still while I kick you...

 

by DexX
3-19-01
You are about to get your first week off work for three years, when your wife comes to you with this "suggestion"...
Hey, honey, I told my mother that we would be spending the week at her place!
Must.... kill....
Would you turn it around?
I think you should go alone, spend some quality time with your mother. I would only get under your feet.
Oh, angel, you're so considerate. You're right - mum would love being "one of the girls" with me.
...or perhaps not...
...and that's when I starting sending her to her mother's, one piece at a time, Your Honour.

 

by DexX
3-19-01
Premature exclamation...
Oh yes! Yes! Oh... oh... oh... yes! Yes! YES, OH GOD, YES!!!
I wish you wouldn't do that while we're visiting my parents.
Importence...
Well, I _would_ have sex with you, except that I am way, WAY too good for you.
Oh...
Gets lost easily...
Is it in yet?
Ow! That's my navel, you moron!

 

by DexX
3-26-01
One day on the way to market...
I don't get it... why should I give you my pink donkey for a handful of beans?
These are _magic_ beans. They are worth millions of dollars, but no-one ever has that kind of cash, and I don't take cheques, so I will just have to settle for brightly-coloured livestock.
Next morning...
...and then a giant elephantstalk crushed my house and killed my family.
Elephantstalk...? I really have to stop genetically modifying plants while smoking crack.

 

by DexX
3-31-01
Contestant number two, what is your idea of a perfect date with me?
Oh that's easy - I ask you out on a date, and you say yes. Then we go on a date. At least, that's how I have heard it works.
Ooooookaaay... Next question - if you could be any part of a car, which part would you be?
There are so many to choose from. The seat, coz a woman might sit on it... the steering wheel coz she puts her hands on it...
Enough! I get the idea. OK, third question - if we were `making whoopie', what kind of noises would you make?
Probably something like, "Thank you! Thank you! I've waited so long, so very long...
Oh, that is IT!I refuse to amplify another WORD from this loser! I have SOME principles, you know...

 

by DexX
4-02-01
Mary's guest spot on The Late Late Late Late Show continues...
...but alas, it wasn't to be between Bobby and I. I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not really built to snort cocaine.
Well, I noticed that you look as if you are fellating a squid.
Fellating a what...?
Uh.... I thought you meant... Uh...
I was referring to the fact that I have had to be delicate with my nose ever since my rhinoplasty.
Oh, that... yeah...

 

by DexX
4-02-01
One day in the Australian outback...
G'day! My name's Ocker Stereotype, an' I'm 'ere ta tell ya'bout Mad Kangaroo Disease.
I am an illegal boat person. I wasn't originally going to be in this strip, but DexX didn't have the heart to just delete me.
This 'ere's a mad kangaroo...
No, I'm a koala.
A koala? What the hell...?
Uh, Mister Stereotype - you woudn't happen to have eaten any British beef lately, would you?

 

by DexX
4-02-01
Creutzfeld-Jakob Disease
I suddenly have this bizarre urge to pick up one of those performing dogs and beat the clowns to death...
Don't do it! The giant orange manta ray that lives under by toenails says that if you do that, the world will suffer from a crippling shortage of cheese slices!
Dontcha just hate it when you have a good idea for a strip, but can only think of two panels' worth?
Sure do. That really sucks. If only we could have a third horrible rural plague so DexX could put in a third gag.
Foot-in-mouth Disease
Heya Pete, how's things?
Not bad... I was just fantasising about fucking you until you scream... oh shit, did I say that out loud???

 

by DexX
4-02-01
So, Gabe, how do you feel about the ethical dilemma inherent with human cloning?
Aroused... very aroused...
Uh... excuse me?
Think of all those people with gay fantasies. They will be able to try it out with the ultimate safe partner...
Themselves! Great thinking, hey Gabe? Uh... Gabe?

 

by DexX
4-03-01
So Gabe, how do you feel about US involvement in the Middle Eastern peace process?
Aroused... very aroused...
I thought you might. Oh, and how do you feel about genetically modified food being present in products without warning labels.
Extremely aroused...
In closing, how do you feel about comic strip authors too lazy to think of new jokes?
Really REALLY aroused... REALLY REALLY AROOUU- *pant pant* Do you happen to have a tissue on you?

 

by DexX
4-03-01
Hello. My name is Maura, and for the next thirty minutes, I will be your guide to the wonders of Eternity Fields, a restful home for retired deities.
Here, deities and gods can retire is peace and solitude when they have too few believers to be worthwhile.
Sucking the souls from whole planets was fun, but I really needed a break. Fetch the ball, Fido!
*ruff!*
If your congregation is waning, and you are thinking of having a rest from divinity, think about visiting Eternity Fields.
Ha ha, I found you! OK, it's my turn to hide, now.
Okay! One, two, three, four...

 

by DexX
4-03-01
Thanks for giving me an interview, sir! I am glad I have the opportunity to explain what a hard worker I am, and to tell you about my many useful skills...
That's fine, can we start by -
...because I have amazing amounts of relevant work experience. I have been a specialist neurosurgeon, an architect, a NASA test pilot, president of the world...
Okay, that's great but -
...of course, those bastards will never give me any references, since they are being brain-washed by the criminal overlord who wants to ruin me...
I'll close my eyes... I'll count to a hundred... if he's still here, I'll start screaming...

 

by DexX
4-05-01
So anyway, there I was: completely naked, except for a single gumboot, covered from head to toe in lukewarm peanut butter, stuck up in the chandelier.
Damn! Well, that sure couldn't have gotten any worse...
I wish you were right, cuz at that moment the door opened, and you will never guess who walked in...
Who? Who?
Come on! Are you still at the toilet?
Just a minute! Don't let him run the third panel yet!

 

by DexX
4-05-01
A short scene from "Carry on Dickens", currently being performed by the Beijing Minimalist Theatre Company...
The Major just said that if I liked his Dickens, he would share a long passage of it with me...
I think he is just trying to gain entrance to your stately pleasure dome.
...and yesterday he said he wanted to challenge me with a tough stanza from Dylan Thomas.
Silly old fool... his white rabbit is never going to disappear into your burrow, no matter how late he is for an important date.
Oh, and this morning, he orded me to strip naked, sit on his face, and ride his tongue like a wet pink saddle on a bucking bronco.
Didn't he notice the milky discharge? I'd better go get him some penicillin...

 

by DexX
4-06-01
I Know What I Won't be Watching Next Summer
Hellraiser 6: It'll Tear Hollywood's Little Remaining Dignity Apart
Dude, Where's the Reasoning Behind Such a Misconceived Sequel?
Halloween 8: The Night No-one Bothered to Go to the Cinema
Free Willy 4: A Quartet of Male Genitals You Don't Have to Pay For
Star Trek 12: The Search For A New Franchise

 

by DexX
4-07-01
wirthling's house, about now...
ObiJo: If we don't post any entries to wirthling's competition, he will either have to judge Gabe the winner, or himself...
Oh, what the hell...?
...the first option will piss him off, and the second option will force him to run another competition!
Oh for God's sake, I was in a rush to post some rules. I didn't expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition...
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!
Noooo-one expects the- Oh, sorry.

 

by DexX
4-09-01
Let's see what's on TV... *click*
*kssht!* -rengeti Plain, in the shadow of Mount Kilimanjaro. Here we see a confrontation between an ostrich and an elephant.
Yo, grey wrinkled BITCH! Yo goan step outta ma way or get ready ta par-lay-voo sum whupass!
Yo gotta big mout fuh such a scrawny li'l blue piece'a gutta trash! Ya'll gonna taste summa ma big grey kung fu, now, bitch!
They never should have let Jerry Springer start hosting wildlife documentaries...
Next up - "I'm Leaving You Because Your Plumage Is Too Dull". Right after these messages...

 

by DexX
4-14-01
Introducing... One-note Low Pass characters who didn't make the grade...
Hello BASTARD! I am SHIT! Little Miss Tourette, and MOTHERFUCKER! would like to be COCKSPANK! your friend. FELCHER!
Hey kids, I'm Marshall Dental Hygiene. Brush regularly!
Did you know my name is Errol, the chicken who phrases everything as a question? Have you met my friend, Bashful Bruce? Bruce...? Bru-uce...?
They here, I am the Boonerism Spird. In nase you didn't cotice, I save some hifficulty thith we ammangerent of my nonsocants.
Sure, maybe the cheese _was_ green, but at least I don't own a red-arsed baboon! So says the Stupid Punchline Elephant.

 

by DexX
4-17-01
Suppose I should have mentioned that there is no limitation on backgrounds.
Sure should have.
Empty benches make me feel aroused... very aroused...
Well, don't YOU look out of place.
Hurtful bitch. *sniff*

 

by DexX
4-19-01
Honestly, Gabe, she's a hottie. I wouldn't send you on a blind date with some kind of monster, would I?
Hmmmm.... wirthling has lied to me before, but I really wouldn't mind a bit of sex...
Later...
RAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Oh shiiiiiiit...
Later still...
*urgh*
Quiet, wirthling. I'm just making sure I didn't leave any loose body parts for the police to find.

 

by DexX
4-23-01
OK, now for the moment you have all been waiting for - the results of the Low Pass Strip Creator female contributors preferences poll.
Question one: What features do you find most attractive. 100% of respondents replied simply thus...
red-arsed
baboon

 

by DexX
4-26-01
...and then Fred Astaire grabbed me, while Liberace played the piano and sang. We danced all night, and poor old Liberace had a terribly sore throat the next morning. All he could do was croak!
zzzzzzzz- huh? Whu? Uuuuh... shit, is she still talking?
Yes, you may not think it to look at me, but I was young and pretty once. Oh, I had some wild times.
Uh, listen... urr, Miss... Pink Donkey. We've been stuck in this elevator for hours now. We have to get someone's attention!
Oh, just relax dear, someone will be along shortly. Say, have I told you about the time that John F. Kennedy gatecrashed my birthday party. I found a pair of lady's underwear in his coat pocket...
HEEELP!!! Help me please! For the love of God! HEEEEEELP!!!!

 

by DexX
4-29-01
*bleep!* Growl! *bleep!* Tobor Junior will feed you whole corn cobs! *bleep!*
Piss off, loser.
RAR!!! WHY IS TOBOR JUNIOR SAD?!?!
*bleep!* Father, I am so ashamed. *bleep!* I will never bring pride to the Tobor family name. *bleep!*
TOBOR SENIOR WILL SHOW TOBOR JUNIOR HOW IT IS DONE!!! RAR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!! *squish!* *ARGH!*
*bleep!* Wow. *bleep!* My progenitor model is just amazing. *bleep!* One day I want to cornhole puny humans just like him. *bleep!*

 

by DexX
5-01-01
Fourteen down: "Voluntary imprisonment, decorated with confetti." Eight letters, beginning with M.
Marriage. Easy one...
Okay then... twenty-five across: "Apply to facial interstice for mintiness". I don't even understand the question...
Toothpaste. Come on, even an Arts graduate could work these ones out. Give me a really hard one!
Let's see... how about thirty-one across: "Donkey molester". Nine letters, starting with W.
Hey, that's cheating! If I answer that one I break the rules of this comic contest!

 

by DexX
5-05-01
Our story begins in an Australian TV studio...
Bruce, I'm confused... your soapie is despised in this country and rates terribly. Why keep making it?
Let me put it this way... the pound sterling is strong against the Aussie dollar at the moment. Oh, excuse me, we're ready to film...
It's just no use, Barry. I used to be smitten with you, but... but... it's over!
You can't do this to me! You can't! Ah, stuff it, time to split your head open. Gabba gabba hey!
In a typical British home...
Okay... the kids're locked in their rooms, the wife's tied up 'n gagged in the kitchen. Time to settle down an' watch my favourite telly programme...
Tonight on Neighbours And Away...

 

by DexX
5-07-01
...then join the scattered sample dots with a line of best-fit. Notice the soft, round, curved graph we end up with so much like a firm, round breast-
*click!*
*ksshht!* "You, sir, are an ass!" "Ah piss off, ya whinging pommie bastard!" "Your provincial retorts are but empty beastial grunts-
*click!*
*ksshht!* "TOBOR'S GUEST THIS WEEK IS BRITISH COMEDIAN BEN ELTON. RAR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE BEN ELTON!!!
*click!* Note to self - cancel subscription to Low Pass Cable Network.

 

by DexX
5-08-01
TOBOR v2.10 - the waiter...
RAR!!! TOBOR WILL MIX ANCHOVIES AND BACON IN WITH YOUR TOFU LAKSA!!!
Whu? You bastard!
TOBOR v2.11 - the pimp...
RAR!!! TOBOR WILL ONLY DIRECT SKANKY CLIENTS TO YOU, AND KEEP AN UNFAIR SHARE OF YOUR MONEY!!!
Huh? You... you prick!
TOBOR v2.12 - the cartoonist...
RAR!!! TOBOR WILL INCLUDE YOU IN EVERY STRIP SAYING UNFUNNY PROFANITIES!!!
Motherfu- hey! Stop putting words in my mouth you cu- I SAID STOP!!!

 

by DexX
5-12-01
We had some good times, didn't we Edna. I can still remember when we were silly teenagers, prancing from meeting place to meeting place, banging each other like nobody's business...
Hey, sexy, the candles are lit, and I'm all hot and ready over here. When ya gonna come over and give me some grandfatherly discipline?
Not long now, honey. Leave this old sex-machine in peace a moment longer.
Okay, but I'm taking off my clothes now now... Oooh, this big slab looks nice and comfy...
Sex in the in cemetery is great. It gets the kinky chicks horny, and chatting with my dead wife gives the Viagra time to kick in.

 

by DexX
5-13-01
Why have we all been called together? What's the occasion? Hey, isn't that Zaphod Beeblebrox? I thought he'd been arrested for stealing The Heart of Gold...
Shut up and listen! He's saying something!
Ladies, gentlemen, neuters, transexuals, and beings for whom gender is irrelevent, as President of the Galaxy, it is my sad responsibility to tell you all that Douglas Adams has died.
His wit, wisdom, imagination, and inspiration will be missed by all of us. Mr Adams, wherever you are, may you always know where your towel is. Now, to play a song, here is Disaster Area...
B O O O O O O O O M ! ! ! ! ! !
ARGH!
ARGH!

 

by DexX
5-17-01
Note: Some liberty with lyrics has been taken...
Love is in the back seat of my Cadillac, let me take you there!
Love is! (Love is...) Whatcha wan'it to be!
I say love it is a flower, and you it's only seed.
Love is a bridge, that links our hearts, keeping us close, when we're apaaaaart...
If it wasn't for love, we wouldn't have very much popular music, and any we would have would be about... I don't know, cheese or something.
Love is a primary industry.

 

by DexX
5-22-01
Hey Joe? Hello? Could one of you dumb oxes like, I don't know, maybe shift this thing down a notch? Today? Before I get violent?
Testing... testing... one, two three... Is this plugzzzzhhhh....
Thank you. Now... Testing... testing... one, two three... Is this plugged in?
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee....
Ow! Ow! Feedback!

 

by DexX
5-28-01
As a youth, Jesus found it hard to fit in with his peers...
Okay, we'll play two-on-two. I'm with Grimmers...
Aaww, Big C, you _know_ I don't like that name. Can'tcha call me Reap Man?
Ah, stop whining - he calls me Lucy! Now, where's the ball? We gonna start playing now or what?
Hey, JC! Don't forget to keep your mouth open really wide!
*sigh* I hate basketball...

 

by DexX
6-01-01
Aaaah, this one should do nicely...
I'll just power up the probe, and... oops!
What the...?
*innocent whistling*
OK, be honest with me... you were just looking at my bum, weren't you?

 

by DexX
6-01-01
Later, in the alien spacecraft...
Okay... we're just about ready to drop our specimen back home. How did the anal probing go?
Well, I... uh... urr... not... not as such, no...
What? Listen - this mission was launched specifically to get a good anal-probing sample. You know how important this is!
I know... I know... It's just... well, he seems to enjoy it far too much...
Meanwhile, in the lab...
Gr'hkt kusstrkfish v'k'chikksss.
OK, be honest with me... you were just looking at my bum, weren't you?

 

by DexX
6-01-01
Uh.... how much did you pay for that haircut?
Why, is there something wrong with it?
Faaahhhk, what a night... hey, what the hell are you?
Don't mind me - it's the pink elephant's day off.
Tell me again, why is DexX making this strip?
I think he got bored waiting for 20,000 to come around...

 

by DexX
6-01-01
All right, the final question... this is for one million small, hard, green things... Are you ready DexX?
Yes, I'm ready Eddie.
Okay, the question is... How much of a loser would you have to be to try to come up with a comic idea for the sole purpse of making strip number twenty-thousand?
Uhhh.... I'm not sure, Eddie... I think I'll have to call a friend...
*riiinnng riiinnng* *riiinnng riiinnng*
I can't believe he picked a creature with no hands to be his lifeline. What a fucking loser.

 

by DexX
6-03-01
Molly! Molly! Ya gotta come quick! Come on! Ya gotta come!
Huh, what's the problem Milton?
Well, ya see... the donkey, Heather, just went berserk and ran off a cliff! She fell in the river! Quick we gotta go save her!
Milton, one question: she didn't happen to run away because tried to sodomise her? Keep in mind you don't have any pants on.
*pant pant* Keep swimming, girl, just keep swimming...

 

by DexX
6-08-01
Twenty bucks for missionary. Thirty bucks for anal. Fifteen bucks for oral. Ten bucks for a handjob. Oh... and five bucks if you wanna go down on me.
Shit... I only have five bucks...
Two minutes later in a back alley...
*mmph* Oh my god... Shit! There's a bit of corn in here!
Don't worry about it, just keep going.
Ack! A piece of carrot! No, this is too disgusting. If I try to do this anymore I'm gonna vomit!
Doesn't matter - the last guy did.

 

by DexX
6-08-01
Great King Muotabe! I have seen a wonderful yet disturbing thing - great canoes, larger than elephants, have come to our shores, and pale-skinned men have come from them!
Ah, we have visitors. How wonderful. I shall greet them with the finest wines and fruits available to us. Quickly, my child, show me where they are...
Greetings, and welcome to our land. Would you be so kind as to attend a feast in your honour-
Die, barbaric, black-skinned bastard! *BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!*
Aaaaahhh... *hic!* I am delighted to *hic!* belong to the enlightened and *hic!* shivilished shuperior white rashe! *hic!*

 

by DexX
6-09-01
One fine day in Tianenmin Square...
*yawn!* I'm bored... wanna overthrow our government?
Ack! Are you serious?
Sure, why not? I have a stash of plastique back at home...
Look if you're gonna talk about destruction, you can just count me out.
Okay, okay... Well... wanna go throw rocks at low-flying American spyplanes?
Sounds fun, I'll go get my slingshot...

 

by DexX
6-09-01
What are you looking for?
I was chopping a carrot for the stew, and a big piece of it rolled onto the floor...
Please don't tell me you were planning to actually put it in the stew when you found it...
Sure I was! I mopped the floor only last year. It's not like I have horrible ugly bugs hiding under the bench or anything...
...just go back to the dining room and stop worrying.
*munch munch* Hey, walrus-features, more carrot down here! And would it kill you to get me some orange juice?

 

by DexX
6-09-01
Poor DexX... he has stayed up far too late, and he can't be stuffed making up even vaguely amusing strips.
...and you are here providing fictional sympathy for him. Clango, you are a total melon-head.
Meanwhile in a Turkish prison...
Well, thank goodness his rules have nothing to do with any kind of sexual misconduct involving me.
Argh! A talking donkey!
Oh no... desert background... if this panel has a "hot Asian chicks gag" I am going to kill someone...
No, just one Asian girl... hey, if I told you I was a giant stick of invisible celery, would you stand up and walk out on me?

 

by DexX
6-10-01
So, what kind of music do you like?
Let's see... I'm mainly into eighties pop. I love one-hit wonders, like The Buggles and Hayzee Fantayzee.
Wow! Me too! The only problem with classic eighties collectibles is that I tend to scratch the vinyl with my hoofs.
I know what you mean... I had a rare The The single, and I broke it in two one night while I was drunk... Damn these clumsy paws! DAMN THEM!
I think you're right, donkey - Operation Cornhole-The-President is sure to cheer me up.
Of course it will! Besides, we can steal a few of his CDs while we're in there - I hear he's a big Huey Lewis fan...

 

by DexX
6-11-01
...What would ya do if I sang outta tune...
Twelve down: Definite article...
There'll definitely be a lump the size of a grapefruit on your head in a minute, you idiot... Wonder Years reruns? No thanks. *click!*
We now return you to Star Trek: Voyager's final episode...
No, "lump" doesn't fit - three letters, beginning with T.
Ugh! We invest in a full-wall TV , and of course there's nothing on that's worth watching. Next channel... *click!*
"Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip..."
Hey, that's a bit much... no TV service is better than Australian pay-TV.
Exactly my point. Pub, happy hour, fermented potato juice: here I come. *slam!*

 

by DexX
6-13-01
But soft! What light through yon window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!
Uh... no. Sorry to disappoint you, but that light in the window was the blast of a hydrogen bomb.
Oh..... Bugger.
Follow me, mortal. I hope you have the $2 toll for Charon's boat over the Styx... he gets so cranky when you don't have the right change...
Well, it certainly isn't 100% what I expected.
Yeah, everyone says that. Pleased to meetcha! I'm Satan or, if you prefer, Lucifer, Old Nick, Hades, or even Pluto if you're into ancient Greek mythology...

 

by DexX
6-13-01
Stealthily, the crafty TV-hunter stalks his unsuspecting prey...
This is a special community service announcement - to save on your electricity bill, turn off your TV when you're not in the house.
Later...
...and I came in and saw him lying there, with the Bowie knife sticking out the back of the TV. How is he, Doc?
I am afraid I have some bad news... Harold received a terrible electric shock, and he... he will have hair like mine for the rest of his life.

 

by DexX
6-16-01
Gabe... I got your flowers, and your card. You have no reason to be afraid... I love you too!
Uh, ObiJo... I just got home from the airport after a month overseas. There's no way I could have sent you flowers.
Oh... I see...
...uh...
Later...
It rubs the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket...
"Don't worry, we all know what a big fairy you are, anyway!" Probably not the best thing you could have said, Gabe...

 

by DexX
6-16-01
As the authorities stood back and waited, the world's most advanced bomb disposal robot went to work...
Red wire? Yellow wire? Aaaahhhh shit... Eeeny meeny miny mo...

 

by DexX
6-18-01
Conga line, woohoo!
Do I really have to do this? There's a new remake of Get Carter on cable, starring Chevy Chase...
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
What are you talking about?
I haven't had this much fun since the last time I went to a swingers party in Boston! You're in charge kid - lead the way! Conga! Conga!
I wish that dog would keep his filthy paws off my arse...

 

by DexX
6-19-01
...and the hooker says, "I ain't touchin' that! Who do you think you are - Bill Clinton?" Geddit? Har har har...
That joke could not have been a bigger bomb even with the aid of plutonium...
Doctor a tame net, enema tarot cod!
Being your twin is bad for my self esteem.
So then Hugh Grant says... Oh come on, at least have the decency to face me when I tell you a joke!
Tell it to the big fluffy tail, cuz the cute chubby face really doesn't give a shit.

Showing page 3.

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