All comics by Externalization

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by Externalization
2-22-05
Rest in peace, everyone says to me now. Has human civilization finally sunk so far down the spiral of dumbness that the only way left to achieve peace is to blow your head off with a fucking shotgun?
Which one of these winged bastards do I have to blow to get a Scotch around here?
Finally I spotted the pig who's supposed to be in charge of the joint. I wanted answers and I was going to get them from his mouth come Hell or bong water.
Jesus has the hairiest body I've ever seen! That must drive the underage chicks wild!
I let every venomous rant left in me spew out at once, expecting it to go over like an abortion in church. But it turns out, as Toby Keith would say, "It's all good." Luck be a lesbian tonight!
Did we sell ourselves out, or were you stacking the deck for the enemy all along?
Sorry, man, I've been, like, really really stoned since the 60's. What's going on now?

 

by Externalization
2-22-05
Once we were able to establish a coherent dialog, this authoritarian peckerhead went on about how he gave us all infinite potential only so that we could repress every bit off it for his sake.
But isn't that like taking half a piss?
It is my will. That is enough.
He wanted everything clean, sterile, lifeless, boring. He said to think of his ideal world as Woodstock without all the rain and mud. I tend to think of it more as Woodstock without Jimi Hendrix.
So you do a half-assed job to begin with, then want us to completely misinterpret your world the same way you have? That's doubly half-assed!
Doubly half-assed? Wouldn't that just be ...an ass?
So what I'm asking is, who needs any of it anymore? The way I see it, the wages of sin are freedom, and "death" is just another word for nothing left to lose.
What's one measley act of deicide going to set me back on the karma scale anyway?

 

by Externalization
2-22-05
I needed a new place to hide out, as far away from that hellhole as I could get. I never wanted to be that close to so much self-righteousness again.
I could wear shorts forever in a place this warm.
What are you in for?
I've still got work to do. I'm hoping that if I can get a story published claiming that Heaven has oil, Bush will bomb the living bejesus out of the place.
I'm here voluntarily. Got any smokes?
Hey, aren't you that crazy journalist who used to ride with the Hell's Angels and shit?
Other than that, all I've got to do is kick back and wait for the Rolling Stones to finally find their way here so I can hear some decent tunes.
Yeah, that was me. I had one hell of a trip in life.
Dude, you fucking rock! Have some weed and a couple of brews. It's on me, brother.

 

by Externalization
2-23-05
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Fuck it.

 

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by Externalization
2-24-05
What's the difference between Indonesia and the past two days on stripcreator?
The flooding in Indonesia was funnier.

 

by Externalization
2-26-05
Welcome to France, President Bush.
Thank you, President Chirac. I wanted to meet with you because I feel it's time for America and Europe to put aside our past differences, such as those over Iraq.
Past differences? But your war is still going on. How is that in the past?
What I mean is, we need to unite as one against our common foe.
Our common foe? Is this another reiteration of the whole "You're either with us or you're against us" thing?
Damn. I thought you people would fall for it if I left out the "Yipee ki yi yay" part this time.

 

by Externalization
2-28-05
Thou hast entered the enchanted cavern. A wyvern approaches.
Okay... so I guess I should hit it with my sword or something.
Thy attack inflicts 14 damage. The wyvern attacks inflicting 36 damage.
All right, uh... I'll hit it again.
Thou hast missed.
You know there's no chance I'm ever going to let you touch me as long as you keep wearing that ridiculous costume, right?

 

by Externalization
2-28-05
The wyvern chants the spell of "heal."
Then I swing my sword and chop the fucker's head off. Game over.
Thou hast dropped thy sword. The wyvern attacks inflicting 43 damage.
What? This is bullshit! What kind of lousy District Manager are you, anyway?
Dungeon Master.
Whatever.

 

by Externalization
2-28-05
The wyvern hath stolen your magickal gauntlet. The wyvern doth now flee.
I see. The gauntlet was the only thing that destroys hydras, right?
A hydra approaches.
Let's be honest here. You're a 28 year old virgin and this is your petty revenge for all the girls who wouldn't give you the time of day.
You must concentrate on your quest, Elfstar.
I don't want to be Elfstar anymore! I want to be Debbie!

 

by Externalization
2-28-05
The hydra is chasing you through the cavern.
All right, then I used all my mad skillz to make gun powder out of the limestone rocks in the walls and blow him up.
Heavens to Murgatroid! Did you just reference my favorite show? That's so cool!
MacGyver? Yeah, he's hot!
Oh. I was thinking of the time Captain Kirk fought the Gorn.
What the hell is a Gorn?

 

by Externalization
2-28-05
Thou has vanquished the foul hydra, m'lady, and thou hast impressed me greatly.
Yeah, well my spider-sense is telling me that it doesn't take much to impress you.
You are truly a rainbow in the dark, and I want to be your holy diver.
If this is where you try to get me to wear that stupid Lady Galadriel dress again, I'm leaving.
I think you'll find that my lair is not so easy to escape.
We're in your mother's basement, loser. I'm going home.

 

by Externalization
2-28-05
Hey, did you end up scoring with that hot chick from the anime club?
Alas no, my good muggle. Twas not fated by the Elder Gods.
She kicked your ass and ran away like all the others?
I wasn't expecting her right hook to have a frelling +5 attack!
You want to jerk each other off again?
Verily.

 

by Externalization
3-02-05
I wrote this erotic fanfic where Gordon and Linda from Sesame Street have a steamy affair.
It was inspired by the scene in Follow That Bird when they were cuddling by the fire listening to Olivia sing.
Linda's head resting on Gordon... his arm around her... his wife hundreds of miles away... I've often speculated...
Of course, it's kind of kinky considering Gordon's sister is right there watching them, so I had Grover and Cookie Monster drag her into the woods and keep her busy.
The problem is, I was so excited about sharing my story with everyone on the internet that I resorted to spamming. Am I going to Hell?
I swear to Batman's tits, I love this job!

 

by Externalization
3-04-05
I had the dream again last night.
The one where you and Ash Williams are riding horses through Discworld looking for naked Jewish women to paint?
Yeah, only this time Shannon Hoon was there trying to explain Schrödinger's equation to the Geico lizard. It made me want to lick myself.
Are you sure that was only Advil you took before you went to bed?
Before I knew it, Bushwick Bill and some other angry midgets showed up and started throwing apples at us.
Finish your corn and get the fuck out!

 

by Externalization
3-05-05
I need something to read on the toilet.
There's a copy of the Post Digest on the table over there.
Sounds good. Thanks.
Wait a minute...

 

by Externalization
3-09-05
This land is your land, this land is my land, from California to the New York Island.
From the Redwood Forest, to the Gulf stream waters, this land was made for you and me.
Ever wonder why some of us find this less inspiring then others?

 

by Externalization
3-09-05
How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
We'll let you know when we get there, all right?
But I wouldn't hold my breath, if you know what I mean.

 

by Externalization
3-09-05
You've heard of AWOL, alcohol without liquid? It inspired me to invent a line of inhalable candies and cakes.
You're cashing in on all the junkfood addicts who want to lose weight?
Why not? Now you can indulge in all the sweets you want without any of the fat, carbs, or guilt.
Hmmm... flavored air replacing tasty snacks?
Or FARTS for short.
Any chance you'll let me suck one for free?

 

by Externalization
3-13-05
Do you own the woods that border your farm?
Nope. Thems huntin' grounds. Folks hunt deer out there.
Do hunters ever mistake your cattle for game in the distance?
Yup. I gotta paint the word "cow" on the side of every cow in big red letters so as they won't get shot.
Then I guess if you've ever got an old cow you don't want anymore, you just have to let it go into the wild, huh?
Yup. I paint "deer" on those ones.

 

by Externalization
3-15-05
Did you hear that Korn lost their guitarist Head?
Yeah, the nut went all into hyper Jesus mode. He'll only make music in the name of Christ now.
Sickening, huh? Now he's going to be all over the media trying to infect the youth with that shit.
Another idiot brainwashed into joining a looney freakhow and making an ass of himself in front of the whole world.
Still, I guess it is better than being in a suckass band like Korn.
But couldn't he have at least had enough self-respect to join a suicide clown cult or something?

 

by Externalization
3-16-05
I finally found Jesus, like you always recommend.
That's wonderful! Have you formed a personal relationship with the Lord?
Yes. I don't call him "Lord," though. I call him "Chef."
Why is that?
Because he tossed my salad like a pro.

 

by Externalization
3-20-05
I'm from the government. I'm here to confiscate that gun for your protection.
Isn't it better if I'm able to protect myself with this? Then I don't need you occupying my territory at all.
But what about when we decide to criminalize you later? If you're not unarmed and defenseless, we'll have to kill you.
Hmm, maybe I am too primitive and incompetent to be trusted to act on my own.
I'm afraid I'll have to requisition the carrot, too. We only want unhealthy peasants who die on schedule.
You'd never treat me like this if I had a gun.

 

by Externalization
3-21-05
Remember how paranoid we got after 9/11?
No shit! I was so stupid. I kept looking for all the Iraqis who I thought were hiding in every shadow waiting to kill me.
Me too. I'll never let the media rile me up like that again.
Who needs it? There are enough real things in the world to be afraid of.
Like Iranians, right?
No, you idiot. It's the Syrians who hate our freedom.

 

by Externalization
3-30-05
So what do you think of last week's school shooting?
I think Marilyn Manson must be feeling really disappointed right now.
Yeah, the poor guy didn't get blamed this time.
Looks like nothing's going to resurrect that lukewarm career, huh?
You never know. He might get smart and pull a Kurt Cobain on us.
Hmm... Suicide is a good career move for the marginally talented.

 

by Externalization
3-30-05
Actual news item: Faced with a diminishing army, the US military deploys robots to fight in Iraq.
Thanks to the Pacbot, there's no need for us to risk human lives any more.
Except the human lives they're specifically programmed to take, of course.
Now keep in mind George can't control when the wars begin or end... (la la la)
Enemy target located. Klaatu barada nikto.
Curious how the government came up with this idea shortly after Arnold Schwarzenegger went into politics, huh?
...because he used those special parts to make his robot friends.
What is that thing attacking my village?
It's a Diebold machine with an NRA membership! Run!

 

by Externalization
4-05-05
Today was a good day. I didn't have to pull out my AK.
You know what I really hate? When men come up with nicknames for their cocks.

 

by Externalization
4-12-05
So you're bottle feeding him now? I thought you had decided against that.
Well, I was breastfeeding for awhile, but... I had to stop.
She gets freaked out too easily. I tried to tell her nothing was wrong.
Why? What happened?
My darling baby was throwing Mardi Gras beads at me every time he saw my tits!
Our boy's a prodigy! You should be proud!

 

by Externalization
4-15-05
I'm helping the cops eliminate dangerous public nuisances like Ruben Salazar and Amadou Diallo.
I'm funding the legislation of our morality.
I'm financing the bombing and occupation of other sovereign nations.
I'm paying Leonard Peltier's rent.
Taxes? What are taxes?
Ah, time to go on a gambling binge---I mean, strengthen Social Security.

 

by Externalization
4-20-05
To join my hip hop fan club, you just have to prove that you're a hip hop fan.
Okay, test me and see what I know.
Who said: "Bow wow wow, yippee yo yippee yay?"
Twiztid!
... and he didn't let me join his club.
This is clearly a case of racial discrimination.

 
by Externalization, 4-21-05

 

by Externalization
4-25-05
What do they call the alter boys at the Vatican?
Pope smokers!
Oh, come on! You know it's funny!

 

by Externalization
4-28-05
Since moving to Germany, I haven't gone one day without seeing the New York Yankees logo on at least two hats. What's the big appeal?
Oh, they probably just like the way the symbol looks. I doubt anyone around here actually knows who the Yankees are.
Yeah, they probably just saw K-Maro wearing one in a video and now they think it's some rap gang sign.
Hee hee! Exactly.
So what type of music do the Yankees play, anyway?

 

by Externalization
5-02-05
Do you play any musical instruments?
Yeah, I play the socialist harp.
What's a socialist harp?
It's like an ordinary harp, only the strings are all the same length and play the same note.

 

What's the point in having an instrument that only plays one note?
Well, I can still play most Godsmack songs.
by Externalization, 6-01-05

 

Frankfurt's playing Hamburg next week. Who do you think will win?
Who cares? Those are our two wurst teams.
by Externalization, 6-01-05

 

by Externalization
6-01-05
There's a newsletter being circulated around campus called The Bi Weekly.
It caters to the bisexual community.
Damned if I can figure out how often it's published.

 

How did we ever end up in the custody of the Romans anyway, Christ?
We were double crossed, Brian.
by Externalization, 6-18-05

 

by Externalization
6-24-05
What a disappointment Audioslave has turned out to be.
No shit. The music fails to live up to the legacies of Rage and Soundgarden, and where are the radical politics I crave in commercial pop metal?
But Tom Morello is still political with his solo project, right?
You know, I've never actually heard any of his solo material.
Me neither, but it's great.
Oh, I know. I'm a big fan of it.

 

by Externalization
7-04-05
So they're supposed to be adding that flag burning amendment to the Constitution any day now, huh?
That's right. My copy here granting me freedom of speech and expression will be out of date soon.
What'll you do with your Bill of Rights once it becomes nothing more than a worthless scrap of paper?
I don't know... wipe my ass with it?
Howdy. My name's George Dubya Bush, and I approve of this proposed course of action.

 

by Externalization
7-04-05
How was your 4th, sir? Enjoy your barbecue?
Sure did. How was yours? Spend the day burning flags or something?
No, I don't bother with meaningless symbols. It offends me that soon I won't have the right to make that choice, though.
Ha ha! Take that, hippies! The terrorist threat of flag desecration shall soon be over!
I think you should know, sir, having sex with the flag is also considered an act of desecration.
WHAT? They want to take my rights away?

 

by Externalization
7-08-05
My friends in England, I have some words to carry you through this time of tragedy and despair.
Invest in Bibles, flags, and bumper stickers displaying trite empty rhetoric or vaguely racist slogans.
I'll never forgive myself for not making a mint after 9/11.

 

by Externalization
7-09-05
The US just spent $333 million to fire a projectile at a passing comet, causing a large explosion on it's surface.
All right, we give up. Where the fuck is bin Laden, then?

 

by Externalization
7-09-05
NASA has been speculating that the data collected from the Tempel 1 experiment could answer questions about the origins of our solar system.
Or, disrupting the magnetic properties of a comet and releasing a huge cloud of methane gas could have wiped out all life on Earth.
You know, if there's one thing Superman II taught me, it's that blowing things up in outer space is NOT a good idea.

 

by Externalization
7-09-05
Does it annoy you at all that people keep refering to the G8 leaders as "The Great 8?"
Kind of, but at least it's better than the originally proposed name.
What was that?
"The Fantastic Four Times Two."

 

by Externalization
7-11-05
Marina Bai is suing NASA for "moral trauma" after their Deep Impact mission successfully shot a probe into comet Tempel 1.
This alteration of the cosmos interferes with my work as a professional astrologer. Our horoscopes could all be distorted now!
Hmm, so do you think this experiment could have any adverse effects on the lives of sane people?
The change in the karmic properties of the comet could have affected mobile telephony on Earth. If your phone stopped working, get in touch with me.
Would you prefer smoke signals or talking drums?
Can I have my $300,000,000 now?

 

by Externalization
7-11-05
If you could have any one super power, what would you want it to be?
I'd want to be able to ejaculate nuclear bullets.
What? Why in the name of all decency would you want that?
So I could fuck Wonder Woman to death.

 

by Externalization
7-11-05
In light of the recent calamity here in the UK, do you feel less safe than you used to?
Yes. I keep thinking... it could have been me.
What would happen to my wife and kids if I ended up being the next victim?
The truth is, none of us are really safe as long as he's still out there on the loose.
You are, of course, referring to Osama bin Laden?
What? I thought we were talking about George Bush running down British bobbies with his bicycle.

 

by Externalization
7-19-05
Let's see, Schooly D, Ice Cube, Dr. Dre...
Tupac and Big Poppa, obviously.
Of course. BDP, Ice T, Eazy-E...
Snoop Dogg, Busta Ryhmes, P. Diddy...
P. Diddy? How the fuck you gonna put him on your gangsta list?
When word got out that I didn't register to vote, he put out a contract on my ass!

 

by Externalization
7-20-05
Religious fundamentalists need to realize that sex is not a "dirty" thing.
Unless it's with Courtney Love.
Which it usually is.

 

by Externalization
7-20-05
You know that juggalo rap group Twiztid? They've got band shirts that say "Fat Kid Representin'" on them.
Well, I guess it's good that they're letting all the little fat "homies" feel accepted that way.
Yeah, but the weird thing is, I keep seeing these really skinny kids wearing them.
Oh, man, I hate those poseur fat people!

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