All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

Lets play the biscuit game again. Im hungry.
No , wait. I have a better idea.
What the Fuck?
KER-TRANS-FORM
KKP is not mentioned. Clearly he never does anything memorable enough , just rips off other peoples ideas.
Decepticons!
No , Doctor Who. And im here to advise you against playing the biscuit game.

 

Get out of my fucking way you fucking muggle. Dont you know who the fuck i am.
Erm , Dunno. Im Bobby Davro. Pleased to meet you.
Davro? That sounds like a fucking faggot name. Are you a fucking Faggot Davro?
Actually , im a well known comedian and impressionist. And if you dont shut up , ill mock your voice in a high pitched whine.
Wow. You can do that?
Yeh. Sounds like my nuts are in a vice , but i can live with it.

 

Right Davro , you fucking fag. Im a fucking all powerful wizard , and you better do what the fuck i say.
Thats a bit harsh. I see my mockery hasnt scared you. If youre such a powerful wizard , how come you wear such shitty clothes.
These clothes are fucking designer label you fag. I look like Brad fucking Pitt.
You look like a McDonalds employee thats been shopping at Oxfam.
This cunt is good.
*High Pitched Voice* And thatll be £5 for the shirt and tie set Mr Javier.

 

Right. Fuck this. Ill make you a deal. You fuck someone over for me , and ill make sure you get a Christmas TV Special
Youd do that for me? Oh my god. Javier. Darling. My own TV special.
Cut out that fucking faggoty darling shit. You fuck this guy up for me , and ill pull strings with Mr Grade.
Mr Grade? Oh , a Channel 4 special. Thats the best christmas present ever.
Itll be Davie Grade from the Dog and Whistle that does porno for Channel 5. Best keep schtum there though
Ill show them all. Graham Norton was never a patch on me.

 

Hi there. Im popular 90's impressionist Bobby Davro.
My names Potter. Im a wizard you know. Got my own movie , merchandise , doll , and im having a baby with Cameron Diaz.
Arent you the kid whos voice broke at the world premiere of his movie?
Who , Me ? No , im sure youre mixing me up with some other multi million selling fictional wizard.
**Gruff Voice** Oh wizard. Lets go on some magical adventures around Hogwarts
**Sob** You heartless bastard. Im going to get Robbie Coltrane onto you **Sob**

 

POong poong poong poong poong "Poong poong poong poong poong poong poong poong poong "!
Poong Poong Poong!
Poong poong Poong Poong Poong Poong Poong?

 

Well , it appears this joker has decided to overstay his parking. Thats cause for writing a ticket i think.
Doctor Who!
Thats right. And im here to tell you not to try and write a ticket on for that parking offence.
Why? Because its an unmarked undercover narcotics squad car?
No. Because your pen is out of ink.

 

Well , its almost 6 hours since my last one. Time to write another Doctor Who comic.
Doctor Who!
Thats right Kramer. And im here to tell you to stop doing comic strips based on me zapping in and out and telling people not to do things..
Why? Because its likely to cause a hole to rip through the space time continuum?
No. Because people will remember that i was once Colin Baker.

 

So lemme get this straight. Youre breaking up because youre not ready for a relationship this intense.
Basically , yes.
That would be the "Intense" relationship that has involved me giving you space for the 4 months since we started because you didnt want an "Intense" relationship
Basically , yes.
Heres a thought. Buy a dog.

 
Lifes been Kinda shit since he hit Puberty , hasnt it Woody.
*sob*

 

Political Negotiation
You cant Control your militants.
You cant control your seperatists.
Social Commentary
Youve got Troops in Kashmir. It Belongs to Us.
Youve got troops in Kashmir , its belongs to us
Military Bluff and Double Bluff.
PH33R US. WE HAVE NUKES
PH33R US. WE HAVE NUKES!

 

Will you Sell your soul for cash. A box of cookies , or a pound of hash?
I will not sell for cookies or cash. I dont do drugs , i need no hash. I will not sell my soul young man , i will not sell it , Son of Stan.
Will you Sell it for cream tea. Or Buttered Almonds. Or Ali G.
I will not sell for Ali G. To live in Staines is just not me. And almonds and Cream Tea , god no. To the bathroom it makes me go.
Will you sell for a pound of chocks. Or crack cocaine in 8 ounce rocks.
Oh alright Stan , youve won i see. For chocolate is my bane you see. And that sweet hit of Crack Cocaine. It fills me up. I feel no pain.

 

YOU ALL HATE ME. AND I HATE MYSELF. AND NOBODY LOVES ME. I AM A TEENAGE GOTH ANGST QUEEN
I wish i had been born covered in chocolate. Damn this game.
I DO NOT SUCK DICK!
Erm , you do. And i could prove it if Kajun wasnt stalking me.
RAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE ERIC!
I have starred in every generic comic strip. I chug so much cum , im a one whore biscuit game!

 

When you hear that firebell Chime , Fireman Sam is there on time.
*hic* Late for my shift again. Thatll teach me to down MD 20/20 until 4 in the morning.
Putting on his coat and hat . In less than seven second flat.
JEEZUS. How do you find the arms in this thing. Oh god , i forgot i was sick in the pockets.
Hes always on the scene , Fireman Sam , and his Engines nice and clean. Fireman Sam.
Oh fuck. I took this drag racing down the strip last night. Wheres the fucking hubcaps?

 

*hic* Whats the problem little girl.
Fireman Sam. Help us. The village church is on fire. And the Orphanage. And the off-license.
THATS TERRIBLE. I shall fire up the engine right away. Come with me little girl.
Wow. I really get to ride the fire engine . Thanks Fireman Sam.
No , i just want you to "polish my firemans helmet"
I was taught how to do that by the nuns at the orphanage. Lets go Fireman Sam.

 

That fire looks really bad. Quick , get the hoses on it.
Fireman Sam , we dont have any hoses , we walked here because you cant find the keys for the fire Engine.
Ah fuck it. Nobody goes to church nowadays anyway.

 

Oh god. How am i supposed to save the Off License without any water.
I know. Ill piss on it. My god im a genius.
Note : Never let an alcoholic piss on a fire.

 

Right Folks. Todays lesson will be "How to get your character noticed and used in the most strips". Firstly you must have a catchphrase.
DragonXero is Pure Hate!
Good , good , now , how about you crabby.
I DO NOT SUCK DICK!
Superb stuff. Now that just leaves Fuzzyman. Erm , has anyone seen fuzzyman?
Here i am mistar. Sucky Sucky Five Dollah.

 

Sloth
Hi Tobor. Im like , well , at a loose end. Would you like to ....
No. Tobor simply cant be arsed.
Envy
Well , i mean , what if i dressed up as Gabe and ....
No. Tobor unhappy because Gabe has bigger cornholer than him
Anger
Well , how about it if i just ......
TOBOR WOULD LIKE IT VERY MUCH IF YOUD FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW!.

 

*Somewhere , over the rainbow , skies are blue*
Jeezus Bitch. Youve got no singing talent whatsoever. Its like listening to a strangled cat,
*Where troubles melt like lemon drops , away above the chimney tops*
Fuck me. Someone get this bitch a throat specialist. Sounds like shes been gargling with Joe Cockers semen.
There must be an easier way to make a living.
Fuck me. It talks too. What a mouth. Bet you could swallow me whole baby.

 

*Nessun Dorma , Nessun Dormaaaa*
Oh christ. Who let this fat fuck on the stage. Get a life you pasta gobbling cunt.
Excuse me. Can i get someone to fix this microphone. Its clearly not working.
Im not working? Christ , with a voice like yours , im amazed youre working. Try the F plan diet mate.
How dare you. Im a serious performer.
Youre a serious pain in the fucking arse mate. I bet you have 6 portions of everything. Sod off you fat fuck.

 

*Stop. Collaborate and Listen. Ice is back i got a brand new invention*
Who the fuck let you in here. Whats with that fucking 80's hairstyle? Get a job loser.
*To the extreme i rock a mike like a vandal , light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle*
HA HA HA. Mate , your career came to an end when Suge Knight hung you out of a window. Go back to selling motorbike parts you useless fuck.
*sob*
And Another thing. How come with all that money , you still couldnt score on the rap scene. I bet youve got a fucking shrivelled cock.

 

Look , Mike. Weve had complaints. Were going to have to let you go.
Youre not letting me go. I quit. I fuckin hate showbusiness anyway. Got another job lined up.
Well , good luck in your next endeavour then. Your wages are in the post.
Ill use them to send you a parcel of dog shite by FedEx , you useless cunt. Im working for the worlds biggest company from here on in. No more small fry
And Mike does indeed work for a big company now.
And ill have a Big Mac , Large Fries , and a Large Strawberry Shake for Tobor.
Why dont you walk into the fucking store and order. Do i look like a fucking waiter to you.

 

My god man. You look terrible. Whats happened to you.
*hic* Well captain , i was jusht minding my own business , operating the graviton rotater , when i heard a loud noise.
Please , continue.
Well , i turned around , and some cowboy hit me with his saddle , muttering something about Rotor Turbines.
You mean our rotor turbines arent generating gravitons by themselves?
Yes , but he poured manure into the machinery. Now theyre generating gravitons of horse shit.

 

Fucking hell. $483 billion dollars to pay off my bandwidth costs. Lemme see. After federal , state , county and city taxes , thatll leave me with about $30.
$30. Hmmm. You could invest in a second hand copy of photoshop and create a forum for Photoshop images.
Nice idea. But you realise that getting Wirthling a prosthetic body made from an old Barbie doll would be $29.99
Yep. But getting Fuck a spellchecker would also cost $29.99. As would a double penetration dildo for Spankling.
Just out of curiosity , why would he need one with double penetration?
He said something about "Practise makes perfect".

 

WELCOME TO AL QAIDA PRETZEL COMPANY.
HELLO. AFTER YEARS OF ISSUING FATWAS , WE HAVE DECIDED THAT , SINCE IT DIDNT WORK WITH SALMAN RUSHDIE , WE NEED A NEW APPROACH.
THATS RIGHT. ORDER NOW FROM OUR DELICIOUS (AND FATAL) RANGE OF PRETZELS. GUARANTEED TO LAY LOW EVEN THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.
ORDER 10 BOXES , AND GET A FREE ANTHRAX WHOOPIE CUSHION. ALLAH AKBAR!
You think this is worthy of a spot in "Crappy Comics"
I doubt even Crabby himself could improve upon it.

 

Them damn terrorists tried to kill me with pretzels Daddy. I know they did.
Son , you just choked on a pretzel. It wasnt the arabs. Just calm down.
I know it was Daddy. There was a slight error on the side of the packaging that i saw just in time and spat the pretzel out.
A slight error on the side?
Yeh daddy. It said "Ma Brady's good old american Pretzels. Made in Richmond , Virginia , die you imperialist pig dog. May contain nuts.
Hmmm

 

Howabout this one. Its a movie about a guy who owns an Army Surplus store , and has to sell almost all his stock in a sale.
That sounds nice.
Set against the background of the second world war.
Nice , a war drama.
Its called "Now is the winter of our discount tent"
Thats its. Youre license plates.

 

I am Elrond. King of the Elves. I feel now , old friend , that we have no choice but to destory the one ring.
Goshdarnit , youre right Elrond. We must find a champion worthy of taking this ring to Mount Doom.
I think my champion , Legolas , should take the ring to the Mount Doom. There , it can be destroyed.
Never will i allow a dwarf to take the ring. Someone else must carry it.
Then i champion you with this task young hobbit. You are middle earth's last hope. What was your name again?
My name is Frodo Baggins sir , but my friends call me Neo.

 

GRAAH! Ezlebium pluribus annium kerzomoglu testicularis.
Perfumanium elpasosuckium gabus aneurysmus abbawaterloonius.
Well?
Doesnt sound like your phone a friend was much help. Would you like to ask the Audience? This is for £32,000.

 

Well , i guess if im gonna run this right , im gonna have to appoint some staff. Lets see. Secretary of defence ..... i think Tobor.
TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE BIN LADEN ...and anyone else who fucks with us.
Ill need a vice president who will run things smoothly so i dont have to work .... Hmmm. Gabe seems reasonable.
Hey , do i get a monthly allowance for Donkeys? Can the secret service suppress that for me?
Oh. And i need someone viciously corrupt and immoral to take backhanders for me so it cant be traced directly to me.
You called?

 

Erm , Gabe. Can i ask a hypothetical question?
its not like im stopping you.
If you had your penis stuck in a glass bottle , how would you go about removing it?
Id wait until my bladder is full , then id piss in the bottle and smash it against a wall to equal the pressure inside and out.
ARGH! Godammit! Motherfucker!
Im guessing your covered in blood , urine and broken glass right about now.

 

Haw , Andy. Ya dobber. Im gawn doon tae the arches wi mah mates tae get bladdered. You up fur it?
Dunno Perm. I really have to write a positive review about "A beautiful Mind". The boss says ive been far too harsh lately.
Haw Haw. Yir whipped boy.
Hang on. You were brought up in Cumbernauld and Motherwell. Where did you get such a deep Glasgow accent from?
Shhh. Dont say that so loud. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make people round here believe im really Scottish?
I would have thought the constant references to Partick Thistle and Buckfast would have done it.

 

Christ. Im so horribly underused here. I mean , i have a PHD from the Stan Laurel school of silent comedy.
Well , why dont you show me some of your best stuff. I mean , if you can make me laugh , im sure the users will use you more.

 

Look , im telling you. They sell 32 million chicken sandwiches every day.
and they sell around 17 million Filet-O-Fish. Something has to be done about those bastards!
Well , what are we going to do about the bastards?
I have the very solution.
RAAR! ECUED WILL CORNHOLE RONALD MCDONALD!.
Oh shit. Youre not the 12 yr old hooker i ordered!

 

One of those N'Sync people ,whos names i cant be bothered to look up.
This is really unfair.
When Lucas promised me a Cameo.
He didnt say "Youre the guy who dies horribly at the hands of AquaTobor the Hutt,
RAAR!

 

So , uh , Perm. Why dont you play Planetarion anymore.
Its shit.
And uh, why dont you criticise my movie reviews anymore.
Theyre bland.
And , uh , what are you going to do now youve stopped playing Planetarion.
Necrophilia.

 

A Jedi must know no hate. No fear. And No love.
Except with me.
Oh god youve got a tight ass Anakin. Squeeze those cheeks for me.
Master Yoda , you truly are a master of the force.

 

Hello , Microsoft Tech Support.
Hi. Can you help me. I recently bought Windows ME for my system. Im upgrading from Win 98 and i ...
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Wha? Whats so funny. I phoned for Tech Support , not abuse.
Im sorry Sir. You willingly bought Windows ME. There isnt a person in this building who isnt laughing just now . "Where_Do_You_Want_To_Go_Today" . HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Well , at least he didnt call me a fucking moron like the AOL Tech Support guy did.

 

Hello , Spankling Tech Support.
Hi. I wonder if you can help me. This double penetration dildo i bought simply isnt giving me enough pleasure. I mean , it barely reaches the parts Its suppoesed to , and theres no instruction manual.
Well Madam. We have tested this product thoroughly and can guarantee it can penetrate far enough to tickle your spleen.
Its just too wide. I can barely get it in a couple of inches.
Have you attempted to use the pointed end Madam?
Pointed End?

 

Hello , Siskel and Ebert movie review line.
Hi. I was wondering. I need to write a review for a local newspaper of "A Beautiful Mind" , but its embaressing asking for a ticket.
No problem sir. Simply use the word "Oscar" , "Masterpiece" , "Magnificent" and "Russell Crowe's Ass" , and youll be just fine.
Thats sounds far too much like my Gladiator review.
Its a Russell Crowe movie. What did you expect.
Hmmm. "They lodge An Oscar up Russell Crowes Magnificent Ass. Its a cinematic Masterpiece"

 

You know what. Im sick of being portrayed as "Thirsty Beatnik". I dont speak all in caps , and i dont drink water all the time.
Yeh , well , count yourself lucky. How in the hell am i supposed to develop a following as a Kangaroo with a machine gun.
I need Adventure. I mean , If i could get rid of these glasses , and this beard , and hat , and jumper....
Wow. Youd have such a great new look. I sense if we team up , we can make ourselves known throughout the SC.com universe.
Yet annoyingly , im Thirsty just now.
Well , thats blown your credibility out the water.

 

Right. Time to make ourselves known as Hero's throughout the land. This plane has been attacked by terrorists.
Ill go and shoot them all , and you sing Haiku's to the passengers to keep them calm.
Youre really not getting the whole idea of "Playing against the Stereotype" , are you.
Listen up Warhol. Its better than me thumping my tail at a bunch of kids because someone fell down a well.

 

Okay. Can we try and do this like "Saving Private Ryan" , huh?
Ok. Ill run through the battlefield , killing German soldiers , and you find Private Ryan and recite the complete works of Keats.
The longer this runs , the more i think i need a new partner.
The longer this runs , the more i think youre right.

 

Look , this one is simple. The pets from the local cemetary are coming back to life. We see them and we run screaming , ok?
Then i shoot them a lot , they all fall into little bits , and we have a beer and U2 play the theme song, right?
NO. FOR GODS SAKE. THERES NO FUCKING SHOOTING. WE JUST RUN AWAY AND SCREAM. GOT THAT.
You know , your old Thirsty Beatnik character used to shout all in caps as well.
I knew i should have just picked the donkey.
Why dont you just give everyone what they want and ask for a Glass of Water.

 

Ok. This one is real simple. Its from the Bible. Its about two brothers who fall out and one of them kills the other.
Sounds good. Lots of shooting in it. I can do that.
Ill be playing the part of Cain. Youll be playing his Brother , Abel.
Now , let me have the gun please.
HEY. WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE!

 

Mike , ive fucking had it with my fucking job , my lack of fucking cash and the fact all the women are fucking other men.
Word Javier brother. Its time we used your skills and my knowhow to make ourselves rich , and fuck with the world.
Now youre talking. What do we do , rob a bank , hit an armored car , what?
Thats strictly small time Jav , its time we fucked with the world on a global basis.
Does it involve me in some way fucking up the life of the cunt potter?
Damn straigh man. Were going to fuck up THE_SUPERBOWL!

 

Alright. Fuck it. Lets do it. Where do we start.
Ive already begun. Ive used your wages to place bets on the Philadelphia Eagles winning the superbowl.
The Eagles arent IN the fucking superbowl. How will we win the bet , unless ....
Thats right Javi , make those magic fingers work. You know you can.
Meantime , in the NFL Commissioners office.
23 Members of the St Louis Rams of Doping Offence. Oh Fuck!

 

And in Sports news. 23 members of the St Louis rams were today found guilty of doping offences. The NFL has replaced the Rams in the superbowl with the Philadelphia Eagles.
Rocking!
Didnt i tell you i could do it. Aint i the fucking man. Yeh. And that bitch who bought the Big Mac yesterday. You know she wanted me. She was thinking "This guy has the biggest pickle EVER!
You da Man Javier. Now , i shall put part two of my plan into operation. This ones for you. man. And i know youll "Run with the ball" here.
Meantime , in the Potter household.
OH MY GOD!. Harry , come quickly. Ive been invited to sing the national anthem at the Superbowl. And im floating again , so quit it with the fucking levitation spells , or youre on the sofa.

 

Fucking Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck. Thats a stroke of Genius. That specky cunt Potter will never suspect.
Precisely. Now , lets settle down and watch the match. Then collect our winnings , which i calculate will be around $2.2 billion dollars.
I earn $800 a month , and had enough left in the bank for Beer money. How the fuck do you think were gonna make $2.2 billion.
I called the bank , pretended to be you , and got a $5000 overdraft.
Oh
And i sold your car.

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