All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
7-11-01
Daddy, what does "goatse.cx" mean?
Er, um, I don't know. Why do you ask?
Because you were masturbating over a so-named website last night. I took pictures of this nauseating scene and sent them to everyone you know.
And finally...a small child's corpse was found in a food mixer today. John Pienaar is on the scene. John!

 

by andydougan
7-11-01
I'll give you ten quid if you hammer a nail into the part of your brain which governs memory.
You're on!
Now, hand over my...er, what was I going to ask for again?
If you didn't see that one coming, you've got nails in your head.

 

by andydougan
7-11-01
John Stuart Mill claimed in "Utilitarianism" that all action could be reduced to the pursuit of pleasure.
But it was a revisionist version of Jeremy Bentham's utilitarianism, which had claimed that all pleasures were of equal worth.
That's so. Mill held that intellectual pleasures were superior to merely sensual ones, and that "it is...better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied".
Nevertheless, is it not demeaning to mankind to say that we have no nobler aim than personal pleasure?
Well, it's been fun. I'd better get back to spitting in the Chicken Royales at Burger King.
Okay, see you later. I've still got a few hours until my temping job in William Hague's willy-waashing shop starts.

 

by andydougan
7-13-01
Michael Ancram MP
Sob! I came last in the repeat of the first round of the leadership election! Even David Davis beat me!
Michael Portillo MP
Yeah, nice going, posho. Davis has dropped out too, and both your supporters will back Iain Duncan Smith! At this rate I may not make the final ballot!
Nothing for it! Let's drown our sorrows!
Think that fat bastard Clarke would give me a place on his cabinet?

 

by andydougan
7-13-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
People mysteriously die after drinking Red Bull! John Pienaar has a stupid moustache! John!
I'm here in Sweden with the CEO of Red Bull Corporation. So, who's been a naughty boy, then?
Not me! It's not the Red Bull that makes people die. It's the vodka they put in it, which is the only way they can bear the taste. Rd Bull contains taurine, which is very nutritious.
Okay, so you'd be willing to let your daughter drink a can on international television?
Well, yeah, as long as I'm not actually in the vicinity when she opens it. Those fumes could level a city.

 

by andydougan
7-13-01
I made a typo in the last strip. It should be "Red Bull", not "Rd Bull".
I'm so glad you've succumbed to the dark side, David Davis!
Yeah, well, I wasn't exactly going to win. And I'm sure as shit not going to support Portillo.
I'm just what's needed to bring the Tories back from the wilderness! A right-wing, Europhobic slaphead who beats Ken Clarke in a leadership election!
Is it too late to change my mind?

 

by andydougan
7-13-01
Jesus?
What?
I've got a Madonna/Whore complex.
I think Madonna's a whore! Lol!
Ah.

 

by andydougan
7-13-01
Mill said that everyone who had experienced both intellectual and sensual pleasures would prefer the former.
Which is a sweeping statement for a start. Many's the student who retreats from academia to the familiar comforts of instant gratification.
Mill realised this: "many who are capable of the higher pleasures, occasionally... postpone them to the lower". But they would still be aware that pleasure of the mind is greater.
All this smacks of intellectual snobbery. It would seem to me that Bentham's utilitarianism was too radical for Mill, hence his more acceptable version.
By the way, I got the sack. Got caught spitting in the Chicken Royales. Now I clean up sick outside the Great Eastern Hotel.
Yeah, I've got a new job too... Hey there big boy! You lookin' for a prime piece of ass?

 

by andydougan
7-13-01
The speech bubbles in this thing look strange. The tails aren't joined on to the main body.
Don't mind me...
And thought bubbles are supposed to be shaped like clouds, not rectangles. Also, if someone talks for too long and there's a narration caption, it completely throws the whole thing out of alignment.
There was another stripcreator idiosyncrasy I was going to point out, but I can't remember what...

 

by andydougan
7-14-01
Michael Portillo MP and Peter Lilley MP, smokin' a bowl
Hey, this is pretty good shit.
If you let me be on your cabinet, there's plenty more where that came from!
What if I don't win the leadership?
I considered that, so I'm hedging my bets. I've also given Iain Duncan Smith a quarter kilo of crack.
Far out.
Which reminds me, I need to get that bag of black tar heroin back off that loser Ancram.

 

by andydougan
7-14-01
Haw! Hippy!
Kappa-wearing ned?
Yes?
Piss off.

 

by andydougan
7-14-01
Wow! A site where you can make comics! Pure dillion, man!
I'll make a lot of comics where people say things like "all your base are belong to us" and talk about bestiality. They also won't be funny. I bet no one's thought of this before!
Hours later
Ph3ar m3! I = l33t hax0r. Yuo = @$$ f4g0t.
Fockin' geeky cunt. Get ma big couzhin up. Boot fuck.

 

by andydougan
7-15-01
Michael Portillo MP
Uh oh! Channel 4 is showing "Amanda Platell's Secret Diary, Featuring Ronnie the Three-Legged Cat"! It's supposed to dish some real dirt on me!
Portillo is a backstabbing careerist who is uncommitted to the principles of Conservatism. He also has a quiff.
So what? There's only one person in the world who ever believed otherwise, and he's of no significance.
Michael! How...how could you?!

 

by andydougan
7-16-01
This is it!
This ballot paper ain't big enough fer the three of us!
By the end of tomorrow, one of us won't be left standing!
Unless there's another draw, of course...

 

by andydougan
7-17-01
Michael Portillo, Conservative...nineteen-thousand, one hundred and thirty-seven...
Stephen Twigg, Labour...twenty thous...
Whuh?! Where am I? ... Phew! I just had a really terrible dream!
Mr Portillo! We just heard, the leadership election results are in!

 

by andydougan
7-17-01
Congratulations!
Well fought! Sure was a close one, eh? Ha ha!
MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by andydougan
7-17-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
The elephant is dead! Andrew Marr is on the scene! Andrew!
So much for you, then. Think you'll ever make a comeback?
No. Definitely, categorically not. This is it. I'm washed up. Finished. I am no more. I have ceased to be. I am an ex-front bencher.
Of course, you also said a few months ago that you'd definitely, categorically never run for leader.
Yeah, but I mean it this time.

 

by andydougan
7-19-01
Which "common values" of the "working man" are you defending? The notion that kids shouldn't be taught about homosexuality, because as we all know that'll turn them into benders?
The idea that "Big Brother" is the antithesis of all morality? And I'm not an SSP supporter, but I think you'll find that a greater proportion of their membership are "working men" than the Tories.
Yes, I'm questioning the verdicts of the Dando and Lockerbie trials! It's too convenient that George was Dildo's neighbourhood internet-obsessed loon...
...as it was in the case of Lockerbie: one guy got convicted, one guy got let off, thereby reaching a happy compromise between both the victims and Gaddafi.
But rest assured I'll have some strips slagging off Muslims, Jews and Proddies very soon!
Watch this space!

 

by andydougan
7-19-01
Wise man he say, strip with no dialogue in last panel never funny.
Oh yeah? Then check out arrandildocompany's "Cheap Des Pun"!

 

by andydougan
7-19-01
Jeffrey Archer, convict
I am supported by Margaret Thatcher, former Prime Minister!
I am supported by John Major, former Prime Minister!
And I am supported by William Hague...the next Prime Minister!
Thanks, Jeff! You're a real vote-winner!

 

by andydougan
7-22-01
I was shocked to hear that half of the country's population are of below average intelligence! What's the world coming to?
You're a creationist, aren't you?
How did you know?

 

by andydougan
7-25-01
Huh?!?! Wh-who...?
What the...?!
Greetings! We're the new characters.
You look more like the real Andy Dougan than I do. Couldn't you have shown up a bit sooner?

 

by andydougan
7-25-01
Hey, I don't recognise that lanky weirdo! He must be an illegal immigrant!!!
No, Mr Hague, that's just one of the new characters. *I'm* an illegal immigrant! And what you gonna do about it, you reject?
*sigh*
Hey, I don't recognise that baldie weirdo with the funny accent! He must be an illegal immigrant!!!

 

by andydougan
7-25-01
Tch. I'd like to make a strip starring the new characters called "Fresh blood", but I can't think of any way to make it good.
Don't worry. Just put me in it. No matter how crap it'll be, my star presence will save it!
Why do I have an uneasy feeling about this...?
C'mon, it worked for Proof of Life, didn't it?

 

by andydougan
7-25-01
So you're the new characters! Hi! I'm Russell Crowe. The strips make fun of me fancying myself because the author is jealous of my fame and fortune.
Hello, Russell! I'm dexx. I look like Ben Vost, David Baddiel and also, apparently, Andy Dougan.
And who's your friend here?
I'm johnny. I look like Tom Green and am anorexic.
And...and...er...
The name's sickobunny. Dunno who I look like, but I predict lots of jokes involving Huw Edwards in future...

 

by andydougan
7-26-01
You thinking what I'm thinking?
You mean...
Yes! These new props are really going to improve future Fist of the North Star strips! Hokuto Meteorite Face Breaking Kick!
Shame THERE AREN'T GOING TO BE ANY FUTURE FIST OF THE NORTH STAR STRIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then, isn't it?
Aw.

 

by andydougan
7-30-01
In A.D. 1989 war was beginning...
We need to translate "ZeroWing" for the English-speaking market, but I don't want to have to pay someone extra to do it. So you, the graphic artist, can do it as a sideline.
Hmm...I dunno...
Just do it! You'll be fine!
Well, all right...
Doc-tor Pepper! What's the worst that could happen?
Here, use this George W. Bush-penned English dictionary to assist you.
What you say !!

 

by andydougan
7-30-01
Here, have a can of Dr Pepper! After all, what's the worst that could happen?
Ok.
Gagh! The pain!
Oh, sorry, that was actually Red Bull.
I GUESSED!!!

 

by andydougan
7-30-01
Well, that's the steel girders laid across the railway bridge. Care to stay and watch the resulting carnage?
Do I!
Ah, the carefree caprice of youth! I'm glad we're making the most of these precious years!
I wish these days would never end!
...and the police made us apologise to the passengers' families later! Ho ho!
You're so stuffy, grandad. We have Pokemon now.

 

by andydougan
7-31-01
Well, that's my first-ever entry for a comic contest complete! A sure-fire winner!
Uh oh. It seems kaufman has also entered, and his strip is considerably better than mine.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, I don't have a joke for this strip. This just isn't my day.

 

by andydougan
7-31-01
A TV show causes controversy! John Pienaar = on the scene! John!
"Brass Eye" is TV's lowest ebb! It makes light of paedophilia and is extremely insensitive to abuse victims! It should be banned and Channel 4 should lose its broadcasting licence!
How ironic that a media satire has provoked such a reactionary response from the press! "Brass Eye" is to be applauded for highlighting the hypocrisy of society today!
Neither of you have seen it, have you?
Uh...
...No.

 

by andydougan
7-31-01
...So that's our plan for this evening! Any questions?
Just one...
Why do you want to write the abbreviation for File Transfer Protocol on Parkhead stadium?
Also, what do Fetch Target Queues have to do with Ibrox?

 

by andydougan
8-02-01
I wonder what happens if you play this video backwards...
!?!!!elihpodeporcen/elifed I dlihc daed ruoy/tsegni I eciuj dercas eht/ssec gniweps erop lanA !!!LWORG
That's a disgrace! What would I say if my four-year-old asked me what "elihpodeporcen" means?
.ti yojne uoy epoh eW ."tnuC s'nigriV a morf deppiR sliartnE" dellac s'eno sihT

 

by andydougan
8-02-01
EMI, London
Ring!
'aaaallo?
It's a disgrace! If you play "We're Going to Ibiza" by the Vengaboys backwards, it says "Worship Satan"! Your company should be shut down!
Ho ho! You bought a Vengaboys song?
Der...um...ah...er...it was a present.

 

by andydougan
8-02-01
Polygram, Hollywood
Ring!
How can I be of assistance?
It's a disgrace! In "The Usual Suspects", you see a person getting shot! What if my four-year-old saw that?
He'd be emotionally scarred for life, his childhood innocence lost forever.
Oh, right. Thanks.

 

by andydougan
8-02-01
Hello, you're through to Black Heath Software. For sales, press 1. For technical support, press 2. To say "It's a disgrace" and make knee-jerk complaints about the content of our games, press 3.
3.
You've selected 3. We'll have a cocksucking operator which you in a motherfucking minute, you cunting shiteater.
And I'd better not be kept waiting!

 

by andydougan
8-02-01
Hell
Uh oh. I'm in a strip. I need to think of something amusing fast. I'd better put a splitter in the next panel to buy me some more time!
Okay, so you've got Michael Ancram, right? And he's thinking "Well, that's old baldie finished with. Now, should we have another holding operation, or just cut to the chase and get Portillo in?"
Hang on, that's one's already been done! Argh! And I'm almost in the last panel! Okay, Einstein dies and goes to heaven. And St Peter says "How can you prove you're really Einstein?"
So Einstein explains the Theory of Relativity to him. St Peter is convinced and lets him in. Then Picasso arrives at heaven. St Peter says "How can you prove you're really Picasso?"
SoPicassopaint sapictureandthi sconvincesStPete rwholetshiminan dthenDubyaarrive satheavenandStP etersays"Howca nyouproveyou'rerea llyDubyaandDubya sa...aw, nuts.

 

by andydougan
8-05-01

 

by andydougan
8-05-01
So you think life should mean life, huh?

 

by andydougan
8-05-01

 

by andydougan
8-05-01
Sorry, but I refuse to have another one of those terrible strips, and it's pushing it even to call them that.
How about one called "The cast of Ally McBeal"...?
NO.

 

by andydougan
8-05-01
Andy Dougan, film critic, is invited to premieres, as befits a man of his standing.
I trust you'll be going to see "Toy Story 2"? It's the first fully computer-generated film ever, you know!
Come and see "Shrek"! It's the first fully computer generated film of all time!
You must see "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within"! It's the first fully comp...
Shut...up.

 

by andydougan
8-05-01
Russell Crowe, Oscar-winning ac-tor
Computer animation is all the rage these days! I could end up out of work!
Don't worry. Even assuming computer-generated films ever acheive photo-realism, they'll still need people to do the voices.
A small consolation, but I still won't get to show off my pecs!
Hey, you two! Guess who's been signed up to star in Gladiator 2?

 

by andydougan
8-06-01
Tony Blair, Prime Minister, and David Blunkett, Home Secretary
Crime is on the increase. I guess we'll just have to impose Draconian laws and curtail the right to trial by jury.
No, no, no. We tried that last time and it didn't work. We should do the very opposite, in fact: legalise everything.
What, everything? Murder, rape, genocide, drawing benefit when you've actually got a job...?
The lot. Think about it: it'll be physically impossible to commit a crime, we'll be hailed as an example to the rest of the world and, as a bonus, the lefties can't accuse us of being totalitarian!
Hey, yeah! And if a member of the government comes up with a stupid idea, you can burn them at the stake!
Exactly! Oh...wait a minute, maybe I haven't thought this through...

 

by andydougan
8-06-01
"Ask Tony Blair" with Jonathan Dimbleby
Here's an awkard question for you, Prime Minister: why do you think your government had such a great result at the last general election?
Ha ha! Obviously because of the way we've delivered on education and health, combining the best policies of the left with the best policies of the right!
You don't think it's just because the opposition are even worse?
Oh yeah, that's probably it, actually.

 

by andydougan
8-06-01
Kenneth Clarke, Conservative leadership hopeful, on the campaign trail
If I become Prime Minister, I may re-introduce student grants.
Note the "may". I put that in because I have no intention whatsoever of reintroducing grants, and am only lying to fool idiots like you.
I'm sold! You have my vote!
I love being in a party whose members are all senile...
Uh oh, I think I put Tiddles in the microwave again...

 

by andydougan
8-07-01
I think andydougan should win this comic contest.
That point of view is at best unpopular, at worst ludicrous.
Bah! Well...well...well, how appropriate! You fight like a cow!
Aw no, have we got another panel to fill up?
Ah, no, we're finished now.

 

by andydougan
8-10-01
Well, I've failed to win the comic contest for the second time.
It would seem these philistines don't appreciate my intelligent, incisive satire. They just want to giggle about donkey sodomy and such.
And, you know what they say...!
RAR! TOBOR MANRAPES CORNHOLES etc etc...

 

by andydougan
8-10-01
The Daily Rectum, Glasgow
Killing Firsat Dag was a bad thing to do.
Of course, but you have to remember that Dag was an illegal immigrant.
How's that relev...
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE RECORD?!?! YOU CHATTERING CLASSES! SO OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE ORDINARY MAN IN THE STREET!

 

by andydougan
8-13-01
The Daily Record, Glasgow
I see that a man who went through hell fleeing a tyrannical regime has been mindlessly knifed to death in Glasgow, the very place he came to escape that regime.
Bah! He was probably an illegal immigrant. And a con artist, too. So who cares?
Also, some ned has accidentally killed himself by sniffing lighter fluid.
Alack! He was no angel! Football-daft! We'll all miss him! We must hunt down the evil shopkeeper who sold him the lighter fluid!

Showing page 3.

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