All comics by deathtoradio

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by deathtoradio
1-12-08
Masharraf, you have turned the people of Pakistan into America's hand puppet.
And you don't seem to get it. So brother Fareed has prepared a visual aid. Enjoy.
Hi. I'm Pakistan. What can I do for you George W. Bush?
Oh forget it, Fareed. That wasn't very good. Can I talk to you about a future in suicide attacks?
::gulp::

 

by deathtoradio
1-15-08
Are you enjoying the laptop we gave all you savages?
Food. I just want some food.
What's that? More bibles?
Food, asshole. We just want some food!
Don't worry there ::click-click-click-tongue-click-smacking sound::, we have another shipment of bibles on the way.

 

by deathtoradio
1-16-08
Scientists create the worlds blackest black. A material, they say, absorbs 99.9% of all light.
Researchers have tentatively named the color: 'Ol Dirty Bastard.

 

by deathtoradio
1-17-08
J-7
Miss.
G-9
Miss.
H-5
Arrrrr, you sunk my battleship!

 

by deathtoradio
1-19-08
In this corner we have the world heavy weight champion: the Manhatten Mangler.
And because no one is dumb enough to challenge the Mangler, tonight, his opponent is this bomb.

 

by deathtoradio
1-21-08
Sir, I represent the FBI, please explain what you saw in the sky that night?
It was one o' those flyin' saucers. And it wasn't just in the sky that night.
It landed?
It landed, and some little green negro got out of it. All that flyin' must'a made him a might sick.
Did anything else happen?
That little green negro grabbed my wife, stuck a finger in all three of her lady holes, swung her like a bowlin' ball and then left, laughing hysterically.

 

by deathtoradio
1-23-08
I don't know how you guys do it. I'd go postal if I was stuck in the same place for 8 hours a day. What's your secret?
Well, yesterday we taped some money to a tree outside the office and watched some idiots try to get it down. It was quite entertaining
Did anyone get it down?
Yes. And one can only hope that twenty dollars in one dollar bills will help pay for the horrific head injury he sustained on his way back to terra firma.
Ouch.
We should probably feel bad, but I think we created a hot new prospect for the special olympics.

 

Does this tie make me look fat, or do I make the tie look skinny?
The second one.
by deathtoradio, 1-23-08

 

by deathtoradio
1-25-08
Maxim Magazine headquarters...on some ship, somewhere.
Alright Corg, here's the plan. We make a magazine with the hottest earth girls on the planet.
Will Adriana Lima be in it?
Focus Corg.
Anyway. This magazine will be so powerful, that all earth men will be held hostage by their own penises.
So, she's going to be in it?

 

by deathtoradio
1-26-08
Ok, on this next delivery, the customer wants you to ring the door bell. He even had me write it on the box for you.
::cough::
::blink::
Well fuck. I was gonna throw a brick through his window to let him know I was there. But fine, I guess I could break with tradition and try the bell.

 

by deathtoradio
1-26-08
So someone just called trying to get us to deliver to the projects.
Please tell me you said no. There have been shootings there every night for almost a week now.
That's exactly what I told her.
Thank god!
Yeah, but then she goes on to say that I'm just being racist.
Holy shit, Joe, you never told me you had the ability to see the color of someones skin over the phone!

 

by deathtoradio
1-26-08
Hi there. What can I get for you.
It's my wife's birthday, and I was wondering if you could make me a special pizza.
Mmmmk.
I want a pepperoni pizza, but I want the pepperoni to form a heart.
Wow, that's sweet. And a little bit retarded.

 

by deathtoradio
1-27-08
Bro, you suck. Put the controller down.
There's a new book out, they wrote it just for you. It's called "Wii for wii-tards."
That was weak.
Not as weak as...uh...
Yeah go get me that book. Pick up "Heckling for Dummies," while you're at it.

 

Little Ronald Reagan comes face to face with his first red menace.
by deathtoradio, 1-28-08

 

by deathtoradio
1-28-08
I just vaporized someone with my fucking mind! Frickin' sweet!
Oh, hey, what's up boss?
I just saw what you did. That was amazing! I'm putting you in charge of killing...er, uh...I mean "laying off" people around here. But first I want you to meet my whore of a wife.

 

by deathtoradio
1-28-08
Ever read the ingredients on a pack of twinkies? It's no wonder they last forever.
Yep. Oddly enough, none of the ingredients sound like food.
I'm ok with yellow #5, but for some reason yellow #6 scares the shit out of me.
Mmmmmmmmmmm, yellow #6.

 

by deathtoradio
2-12-08
...so then my mom was all "if your friends all went out and got their arms stuck in an abandoned building, would you go and do it too?"
I guess we know the answer to that one.

 

This one's dirty, can I get another?
by deathtoradio, 2-12-08

 

by deathtoradio
2-12-08
My girlfriend is such a freak in bed. She makes me call her Wonder Woman while we're doing it.
Please. My girlfriend has yours beat, hands down.
How so?
The other day she put on an owl costume and told me she needed to know how many licks it would take to get to my "tootsie roll center."
How many does that make?
42.

 

A-ha! Caught you red handed!
by deathtoradio, 2-13-08

 

Oh shit. Fred, I think that's a wild fire headed this way.
Quick, someone call a hippy!
by deathtoradio, 2-14-08

 

by deathtoradio
2-24-08
Now I know it's around here somewhere...
There my aborted baby is.

 

I had the craziest weekend, bro. We snuck into mexico for a weekend of debauchery. I woke up with a condom in my ass, and I think I'm missing a kidney.
by deathtoradio, 2-24-08

 

Scientists have now confirmed that moments before the Big Bang, there was the Big Awkward Silence, as depicted by an artist, below.
by deathtoradio, 2-28-08

 

by deathtoradio
2-29-08
Sir, the humans are coming.
Quick, Korg, lets disguise ourselves as some of these water bowls. The humans must be coming to drink.
20 minutes later...
Where the hell were you?
Taking a marathon smash. I feel ten pounds lighter.
Aaaaaaaaack! He sat on me, and then started to inject some brown matter into my mouth.
I know. It was delicious! We must find out where we can get some more.

 

by deathtoradio
3-03-08
1 ah-ah-ah, 2 ah-ah-ah, 3 ah-ah-ah
I love you.
I love you, too, ah-ah-ah
Whoa, there guy. I was talking to my BEER.
...oh...uh...yeah, I was talking to your beer too.

 

by deathtoradio
3-14-08
Our copier just ate it today, so I've come up with some alternative solutions for making copies.
Oh, this should be good.
A: We import some of those cute little chinese kids, and have them write everything out by hand.
I think that sort of thing only flies in China.
Plan "b" it is. From now on we'll be making copies with the silly putty I stole from my kids.
Gunning for father of the year again, I see.

 

by deathtoradio
3-23-08
It hurts so good!
Come on baby, make it hurt so good...
Fuck you, John Cougar Douchencamp. I'm here to return you to the 80's.
Don't hate.

 

by deathtoradio
3-28-08
Hi Melvin.
So, Chen, what are you doing in my back yard?
Freak solar eclipse.
Wtf? Why'd you hit me?
Oh...my bad. In the absence of sunlight, you kinda looked like an angry black dude coming to loot my house. I was scared, all I could see was your teeth and the whites of your eyes.

 

by deathtoradio
4-04-08
Ok, lemme get this straight. You were on the Senate floor and you couldn't find one soul among the bastards?
What? I would never buy up all their souls and forget to tell you. Come on Death, we're tight like that.
You know what, I think I recall...uh, yeah...if I remember correctly, politicians hide their souls in their asses. They are shifty like that. You're gonna need some gloves.

 

by deathtoradio
5-07-08
Yo, where's my check. You guys said this was the welfare line.
I love me some fried black man.
He still thinks he's here for a check?

 

by deathtoradio
5-13-08
Jeff is gonna be soooo surprised when he sees all of us here for a surprise birthday party! I can't wait to see the look on his face.
Shhh, I think I can hear him out in the hallway. On the count of 3, hit the lights. 1..2..
Surprise!!!!
Oh, god dammit! Can't you people ever call ahead?

 

I hope this isn't too forward Melvin...but I've been waiting 40 years to feel up your prostate.
You had me at "prostate."
by deathtoradio, 5-18-08

 

by deathtoradio
6-05-08
Hola. How was your weekend trip to the beach?
Friggin' sweet. I've never seen so many Sea Gulls in my life...it got me thinking. Why don't people eat them? They seem so much more abundant than chickens.
Are you kidding? Those things are like rats with wings!
So what? Get out one of those outdoor deep fryers...fry the shit out of them.
Those things are riddled with diseases!!!!!!
You mean, riddled with delicious.

 

by deathtoradio
6-07-08
What...the...hell...is...that?
Oh, well, that's NASA's new Phoenix Mars lander. It's here to look for signs of life.
What's it doing?
It's preparing to bake, then sniff the soil.
Oh man, I think that's right where I took that marathon smash last week. They'll probably find pieces of corn or something.
Why is there always corn in your poop? We don't even have corn here!

 

by deathtoradio
6-07-08
So, uh, shouldn't we worry about being seen by the new mars rover?
Nah, I'm pretty sure only nutjobs and visionaries can see us. And most of the time they are the same people.
Besides, we built that big fucking face here on mars and the jackasses at NASA are still walking around without a clue.
I mean, helllllooooo! Big fucking alien face!

 

by deathtoradio
6-09-08
Who are you?
I'm you from five years into the future. I'm here to warn you to stop eating red M&M's and living your life in accordance with "The Big Lebowski."
Eating red M&M's and living like "The Dude," did this to you...I mean me?
Hah! Just fuckin' with you. I just wandered in off the street.
Which way to the bathroom?

 

by deathtoradio
6-12-08
When the world gets in my face...I say...have a nice day.
Wow, Jon Bon Jovi. You've compeletly made me stop and re-evaluate how I live my life, just by listening to your super gay lyrics.
And, from now on, I vow to kill with a smile on my face. Starting with you.

 

by deathtoradio
7-06-08
Daddy, what's a soul?
It's your spiritual body, honey.
Do I have a soul?
Sure, it's stored in your body and then leaves it when you die.
Mommy says your soul is stored in your penis.
No, no, sweetie. That's where mommy says I store my brains.

 

by deathtoradio
7-12-08
Well, what is it doc? Tell me it's a boy, oh, please let it be a boy.
It's a...gerbil.
What??????
Look, I'm guessing your wife was a little bored, and wanted to experiment to spice things up.
Well, we did have a gerbil, but my wife told me it died while I was at work.
Oh, it's definitely dead. She wasn't lying about that.

 

by deathtoradio
10-20-08
Daddy, why is grandma crying out by the car?
Well, son, let's just say swingin' utters and closing car doors don't mix.
Wow...I'm glad that wasn't my boob.

 

by deathtoradio
10-20-08
::::toot::::
What the hell was that, doc?
Well, I managed to repair the tear in your brokeback asshole, but somehow turned it into a whistle.
You turned my asshole into a whistle?
It just kind of worked out that way. Try to lay off the beans I think you'll be ok.

 

by deathtoradio
10-20-08
Ever notice how, if you say a word over and over....after a while the word almost loses all meaning. Hell, it hardly sounds like a word at all, given enough repetition.
Get back to work Melvin.
Get back to work, get back to work, get back to work, get back to work.
Yes. Get-back-to-work.
See what I mean? That whole phrase is practically dead to me now.
Pack up your shit and get out.

 

by deathtoradio
10-26-08
Halt! Dust thou, come in peace, or dust thou come to harm thee.
Fuck yes, I come to harm thee! This is a fucking workplace, not the Golden Gate, you bridge smellin' motherfucker. Now step off!
Alright, I'll let thee pass this time.
That new office troll is a first class bitch. He didn't even ask me a riddle before he let me pass. What kind of fucking troll does that?
That's not an office troll, it's the bosses retarded step son. I can see where you get the "born under a bridge," vibe though.

 

Get back to work!!!!!!
by deathtoradio, 11-04-08

 

by deathtoradio
11-09-08
Can we build it? YES WE CAN!
Daddy, daddy, Bob the Builder is on!
Ha ha....no honey, that's just an old Obama campaign ad.

 

by deathtoradio
12-02-08
Sooooo...how'd you die?
Oh, I was a seasonal associate working at Walmart.
And?
I unlocked the doors on Black Friday and was trampled to death.
Dude. That's cold.

 

by deathtoradio
2-02-09
Satan's Public Access Cooking Show: Cookin' with the Devil
On today's show, we have a SPECIAL guest. Say hello to Rachel Ray.
Hi everyone! I'm a moron.
Today we'll be making a recipe, called "Back Alley Aborted Fetus Pot Pie."
Yay!
The first step in this recipe is to find some freshly aborted fetus's. Look for the ones with coat hangers still in them. That means they are REALLY fresh.
Yay! I have fingers.

 

by deathtoradio
2-04-09
You there! It's my day off, and it's a been a while since I've been to earth. I'm looking for a good spot to vacation. Know of any?
What ya into, bud?
I love the smell of sewage and salt water in the morning. And long walks on beaches littered with medical waste and hyperdermic needles.
Oh, well that's New Jersey.
How do I get to this "New Jersey?"
It's the armpit of America. Just follow your nose. When it starts to smell like a dead hooker, you're there.

 

by deathtoradio
2-05-09
Welcome to the Miss America Pageant. I'll be your host: Death.
Just between you and me folks, the organizers let me host, because instead of pay, I get to claim the souls of any of the anorexic bitches that die during the contest.
This year, instead of a crown, the prize will be...bacon! These girls could use some. Try not to throw it up ladies.
Eat me!

Showing page 3.

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