All comics by ivytheplant

Profile

 

by ivytheplant
9-23-06
Tasteless and insensitive comment.
Shock and horror followed by admonishment.
Confusion as to nature of offense.
Attempt to reconcile issue of free speech with sensitivity to others.
Inference that you are a deviant.
Witticism about your mother's gender and/or sexual habits.

 

by ivytheplant
9-25-06
I'm trying to think of a way I can't have this Ridgid heavy-duty table saw.
Maybe if you were a hobo.
It's portable.
Maybe if you were a hobo with no arms and legs.

 

by ivytheplant
9-25-06
Did you see that kick!?
No, I was looking at S&M on Wikipedia.

 

by ivytheplant
9-25-06
Congratulations, as of last week, you're now officially a Wyoming resident.
Excuse me a moment.
My good lady, where might a young gent find himself a spot o' prairie cow, cheerio?

 

by ivytheplant
9-26-06
True story...
Damnit, if these people don't clear the union, I'm going to beat them with a live carp.
It's wrong to injure a poor animal just so you can be comfortable!
It was just an expression.
You're still perpetuating a culture of hostility to non-human beings by using those words!
Why are you wearing a leather belt?

 

by ivytheplant
9-27-06
You should try my garlic baked garlic.
I'm allergic to garlic.
Oh, try it. I'm sure you'll love it!
I'm allergic to garlic.
You just haven't had it the right way.
Nuke from orbit...

 

by ivytheplant
9-28-06
My recurring dream...
I have brought you a check for $10,000. Also in my van is dozens of packages, filled with wonders, just for you.
HOORAY!!
Reality...
Here's the weekly K-Mart flyer.
ARGH!!

 

by ivytheplant
10-05-06
My brother just made a joke about me dating an older man.
Tell him it's not like you ask to see my birth certificate when my cock is in you.
He said "I hate you" and logged off.
I thought you wanted to get rid of your relatives.

 

by ivytheplant
10-20-06
Yay! It snowed on my wedding day!
Hooray!
I'm so glad the weather did what I wanted it to.
It's October in Wyoming. That's like asking for a sunny day in the Sahara.
Leave me to my fantasy of mutant powers.
Hot mutant sex...

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-06
Do you think you could do us a favor and stop blocking our driveway in?
Why? It's not like you ever drive the car parked there.
We can't because you keep blocking the driveway.
I don't see you use it that much.
It's our fucking driveway you cunt.

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-06
Max is offering to throw you a bachelor party with the full entertainment.
I'd just rather have sex with you all night instead.
We should go find a kinky place to do it that will annoy people.
But who would possibly be annoyed by that?
Think you can break into Scyess's car?
Boorite gets teh scr0e!

 

by ivytheplant
10-27-06
Monday...
I am making a super-special most wonderful dish and I need shallots.
As the comic representative of every store in town, I regret to inform you we have no shallots anywhere.
Thursday...
Again, I, the comic representative of every store in town regret to inform you that we have no shallots.
Oh well, I guess I can substitute something, but my super-special most wonderful dish won't be the same.
Friday...
Shallots are on sale.

 

by ivytheplant
10-27-06
Now that you're married, you should think about having kids.
Oh I did think about it.
And?
I'm going to rip out my ovaries.
And nuke them from orbit.

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-06
I need to find something for the kids to watch. Why, this Robot Chicken show is rated "family/children." Let's watch that!
CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!
Mommy, why is that robot sodomizing Herbie the Love Bug?
Go to your room.
God, I'm so horny now.
CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-06
Buttsecks?
Buttsecks.
Buttsecks!?
Buttsecks.
BUUUUUTTSEEECKS!
Buttsecks!

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-06
Buttsecks?
Buttsecks!
Buttsecks.
Buttsecks.
Buttsecks!
...buttsecks?

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-06
El Buttoseckso!
Ja Büttsëcks.
°Ð¶âÐÔ
Buttsecks indeed!
Coi-'a az-ir-kh'-ar
BtSxz.

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-06
I'm disillusioned about the election.
Who isn't?
The Democatic candidates are morons.
They're all morons.
I'm going to have to vote Republican.
Democrat, you say?

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-06
According to the House's Libertarian candidate's website, both the Republican and Democratic candidates say they have "Libertarian views."
He suggests we vote for him so we'll get "a whole Libertarian."
A-hole Libertarian?
I have a feeling you aren't voting today.
I'd just be randomly pushing buttons.

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-06
We're so desperate to get Republican control away from the house and senate even I'll vote Democratic this time.
I'm glad you're making the sacrifice.
I miss the days when I voted for whoever I wanted.
Who would you vote for?
Batman, duh.
...I'm Batman.

 

by ivytheplant
11-07-06
The first time I was old enough to vote in a presidential election was 2000.
Mine was 1984.
I was five.

 

by ivytheplant
11-08-06
Guess what! I just got a part on Star Trek!
Who do you play?
A junior navigation officer that's suddenly assigned to the ship for...
ARGH! My career is already over!
I'm sure you'll get a guest role as "alien #2" in a space bar scene.

 

by ivytheplant
11-09-06
Well, Marion County voted to become wet. Your hometown can now sell booze.
I'm sure the little old ladies are thrilled.
I was thinking about opening a liquor store right across from the Baptist church.
You have my support, Dad.
Bah, there's a rule that they can't sell booze within so many feet of a church.
Tell them you were selling bottled water, but Jesus came into the store.

 

by ivytheplant
11-09-06
Whoa, I haven't seen you for a while.
Did you realize your third SC anniversary was a month ago?
How time flies. Year one I terrorized the world, year two I worked at Wal-Mart. And year three I married boorite.
And you say your life has improved?
Now I remember why you aren't in my comics anymore.
Thank god for that. I can never wipe the boorite and Ivy sex comics from my brain.

 

by ivytheplant
11-10-06
Lewl

 
by ivytheplant, 11-16-06

 

by ivytheplant
11-19-06
The homeowner's association has decided not to allow dilapidated appliances in front yards. We're fining your family for violations.
We only have a cherry tree in our front yard.
Nonetheless, I have been informed that your family is the ringleader of the anti-beautification movement and must be fined.
But there's nothing in our front yard except a cherry tree which was planted to satisfy the beautification rules.
Trust me, that cherry tree was intended to be a broken washing machine.
How about I intend to put my foot up your ass?

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-06
I'm glad to tell you that now that you're married, you are an actual person.
Your family, clerks, secretaries, and even the mailman will now treat you as if you actually exist as a member of society.
Of course when you ask for information, no one will give you any substantial information until they talk to your husband. Because you're still a woman!

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-06
I was going to make disparaging remarks about your purchases like I usually do, but now that I know you're married, it's okay for you to buy whatever you want!
I was going to ignore you completely while you wait in line for hours, like I've always done, but knowing that you're married means you exist to me! I'll even file your paperwork on time!
Well, daughter, since you're married now and have attached yourself to a man, I'm going to treat you like a human being for once in your life. Marriage means respectability. Woman power!

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-06
Now that you're married, your opinions are completely worthless and you are no longer your own person.
Be prepared to futilely and eloquently argue your points but be completely ignored because you are married and not worthy of holding your own opinion.
Everyone knows that people don't get married to someone who has similar ideals or opinions. That's just crazy!

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-06
Unexplained-Mysteries Forums
You are a very thoughtful person and genuinely know a lot about the subject at hand. I value your opinion!
I just found out that you have a relationship with another poster on this board. Therefore, your opinions shall be completely disregarded since you are obviously mimicking this other person.
It doesn't matter that you post in different forums about different subjects. You are no longer a person and shall henceforth be treated as such.

 

by ivytheplant
11-20-06
Stripcreator Forums
Since you're married to another user that I don't like, anything you say on this forum can be completely discarded as not important!
I don't have to listen to you at all, because your opinions are not your own. In fact, you're not a whole person at all, just one half of an entity.
All married people band together and gang up on us helpless singles. Let's face it, even if the two of you disagreed, you are still legion and certainly not a person. Congratulations!
Murderdeathkill...

 

by ivytheplant
12-14-06
Why is there a "notice of intent to impound abandoned vehicle" on my car?
"Any vehicle is presumed abandoned when left unattended on or along a highway or on private or public property without express consent."
So, whose consent do I need to get to park IN FRONT OF MY OWN GODDAMNED HOUSE!?

 

by ivytheplant
12-15-06
So, how would I keep my car (that is parked in front of my house) from being towed as "abandoned?"
Does it have a license plate on the back with current tags?
Yes.
Then you should be fine.
What makes now any different from before you marked my car as abandoned?
*click*

 

by ivytheplant
12-16-06
You're making comics. What gives?
Despite my successful avoidance of SC, I couldn't let the stupidity of the city of Laramie pass without marking the occasion.
Besides, I'm going to be visiting my family for Christmas.
I suggest Prozac.

 

by ivytheplant
12-17-06
For this ritual, write down something in your life you want to get rid of and throw the paper in the fire.
*scribble*
What did you write down?
ECW and the mouse that lives in our ceiling.

 

by ivytheplant
12-18-06
Lily, stop batting at my crocheting.
Then stop making it move so temptingly.
It's a scarf, not a cat toy.
That's the worst scarf i've ever seen.
Fine, it's a cat toy.
Score!

 

by ivytheplant
12-18-06
When creditors call...
Hello, may I please speak with Ivy ThePlant?
I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name.
When former classmates call...
Hey, is Ivy ThePlant there?
I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name.
What they never think to ask...
You didn't happen to change your name recently, did you?
No habla ingles.

 

by ivytheplant
12-18-06
Nightmare 1: Media mixups
Here's a copy of the videos I took of the whole family. Make sure grandma gets a copy.
What the hell happened to my lesbian porn?
I don't remember all those naked cheerleaders at Christmas supper.

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-06
I need to turn in this form/payment/letter to take care of a financial/business/ legal/educational problem.
Here are incomplete instructions/information/ paperwork that has no actual bearing on the process.
I would like to check on the status of my form/payment/letter.
I'm sorry, but the girl who left at 3 must have it locked in her drawer/office/safe/ mailbox/vagina. Come/call back tomorrow/next week/Thursday.
Since you your form/check/money order/ letter didn't get processed in time, you'll have to fill out all this paperwork/jump through hoops/suck my dick and try again.

 

by ivytheplant
12-19-06
I know people think I have these "stupid obsessions" about the weather...
Let's see, the high today is going to be -11.
Tomorrow will have a wind chill of -30 to -45 with 35mph sustained winds and 70+ mph gusts.
You try explaining to your insurance company why the radiator is a block of ice with a high coolant-to-water ratio.
With any luck, on Thursday my fuel line should freeze again.

 

by ivytheplant
12-20-06
1979-1997
Great, another brown Christmas in the south. I'm moving north so I'll finally have a white Christmas!
1997-2005
Great, I'm in the north and still no white Christmas.
Guess what!? It snowed for Christmas in the south! Wish you were here!
2006
This is the last chance I'll have to see my grandmother before she dies, so I'm driving to Iowa for Christmas!
There's a blizzard that's covered three states and all the roads out are closed. Looks like you finally got your white Christmas.

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-06
The great thing about dry snow is it drifts like sand dunes.
Where the fuck is the car?

 

by ivytheplant
12-24-06
*ring!* "This is mom. We're 40 minutes from Grandma's."
Okay. *click*
What was the point of that?
I stopped asking that question years ago.

 

by ivytheplant
12-25-06
"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse--"
Actually the mouse was probably scarfing down anything left out.
Is that gouda?
"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there--"
We don't have a chimney so we hung them on the piano with jerry-rigged rope counterweight thing.
Note to self: Gnaw through ropes.
"The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads--"
Can I have an iPod instead?
I want nuts.

 

by ivytheplant
12-25-06
"And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap--"
I can't sleep. Let's watch TV.
Do we have the food network?
"When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter--"
Zzzzzzz
Zzzz
"Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash--"
I think the windows have been sealed shut since 1947.
I came in through a crack in the foundation.

 

by ivytheplant
12-25-06
"The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,--"
It's another brown Midwestern Christmas.
Those presents look tasty.
"When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer--"
Is that the UPS man?
I'm going to gnaw on some wires.
"If you're going to keep ruining the narrative I'm going home. Screw you."
Merry Non-Denominational Wintertime Gift-giving holiday to you too, motherfucker.

 

by ivytheplant
12-25-06
What the hell? All the dishes we just washed are covered in a layer of ham grease.
Did you use the organic, biodegradable, environmentally friendly, phosphate-free, non-lathering dish detergent I bought?
I'm beginning to see the problem here.
I'm going to go recycle the toilet paper.

 

by ivytheplant
12-25-06
You should eat nothing but organic food from now on.
You're right, I love paying $2 a pound for apples that won't last a week before going mealy.
I brought organic broccoli.
So that's what the festering pile of brown shit is in the basement.
My fleece shirt is made from recycled materials.
And it took twice as many resources to recycle it as it did to make a new one. Congratulations, you're destroying the environment.

 

You should eat nothing but organic food from now on.
Is that why you stash cans of Dinty Moore in your car?
by ivytheplant, 12-25-06

Showing page 30.

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