All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
6-16-06
What would you do with a million dollars?
I'd change it into nickles and put them in a big sack.
Er, why would you want 20,000,000 nickles?
Because I could load them on a helicopter and drop them on the head of the first person who asked me an inane hypothetical question.
How anyone ask you inane questions if you're in a helicopter?
Dammit... the only thing worse than a stupid question is a stupid question I can't answer.

 

by Scyess
6-16-06
What would you do with a million dollars?
I'd change it into nipples and put them in a big sack.
Why would you want a big sack of nipples?
No! Wait! Nickles! I meant NICKLES!
Can we start this conversation over again?
Too late. I'm already aroused.

 

by Scyess
6-18-06
"Your team has just won the World Cup! Is there something You want to tell the world?" "No, not really."
"Um, you don't get your multi-million dollar advertising contract if you don't pretend right now that you want to tell the world something."
"Uh, we rock?" "Try again."
Just shut up and tell me what I should be buying already.

 

by Scyess
6-19-06
Hey, Jon. Have you remembered to pay the gravity bill lately?
What the hell, the "gravity bill"?
You know, the fucking gravity bill.
They could've at least sent a cut-off notice.

 

by Scyess
6-19-06
Wow. The Earth is so beautiful from up here.
It sure is.
So you've got about three minutes to get us the fuck down from here before I put my foot through your head.
Does this mean our romantic moment is over?

 

by Scyess
6-19-06
Hi, Jon. How've you been?
Fine, Mom... except my house has broken free from the bonds of Earth and is now in a degenerating orbit about 15 miles above you.
Are you high, Jon?
Ya! About 15 miles up! Hello!

 

by Scyess
6-19-06
Do we seem to be plumiting more and more rapidly back to Earth?
Probably.
I called the gravity company and arranged to pay my bill over the phone.
Perhaps we wouldn't be currently burning up upon reentry if you had refrained from compairing the operator's lineage to slime molds.
Hey, you have no proof that I was wrong.

 

by Scyess
6-19-06
Holy shit! We're about to crash land back on Earth from 15 miles up! How can you be so calm?!
Well...
What the... how did...
I sometimes skimp on my gravity bill, but I always renew my comic license.

 

by Scyess
6-19-06
My lord, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Her skin is like milk. He hair is like honey. Her eyes are limpid pools. Her lips are like roses. She will be mine!
And I was almost to second base before I realized "she" was just a dairy spill at an apiary after a rainstorm on Valentine's Day.
Does she have a sister?

 

by Scyess
6-20-06
Would you like to add delivery confirmation or insurance for a little extra charge?
What? Wait a minute?
Are you telling me that even though I'll pay you to send my package, I'll have to pay even more to assure you actually do it?
You'll find the Post Office is full of little eccentricities.
For example, we like guns here, but not back-talk.
Are you really going to shoot me or does that cost extra, too?

 

by Scyess
6-21-06
Man! What a rip off! I just sold my old stereo on eBay for $80.
$80? How is that a rip off?
Well, I don't trust PayPal, so I gave it a fake bank account number to pay.
So... you're telling me in order to avoid fraud from your transactions you've made it so you can never possibly recieve money?
Why does it sound stupid when you say it that way?
Stupid things tend to.

 

by Scyess
6-22-06
My new girlfriend is so hot! She has an awesome rack!
She has a fever, doesn't she?
And a gun rack.
I plead the fifth.
And apparently also the second.

 

by Scyess
7-10-06
How about a little radio...
*click* Next up on the oldies station, a bunch of songs that were popular when Jon was in high school!
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell was that?
From the distinctive pitch and duration, I'd say it was early to mid 30s.

 

by Scyess
7-10-06
Ya de-dah dah! Dum de-doo doo!
You're uncharacteristically happy today. What happened?
Oh, nothing. Just celebrating another successful day without venerial disease or paternity suits!
There's nothing quite so pathetic as a virgin looking on the bright side.
I don't want to look, but I can't help it. Like a car accident.

 

by Scyess
7-12-06
Oops... hangnail.
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it just me, has Jon been a little moody lately?
You should've seen it when he dropped a contact lens.

 

by Scyess
7-13-06
Oh, man. I lost literally a ton of extra weight last month.
GAH! "Literally" means it actually happened! But you're using it as hyperbole! My brain is about to explode!
I wasn't using hyperbole. My sumo-wrestler friends were visitng me, but now they've gone.
You did that on purpose, didn't you?
I like it when your brain explodes.

 

by Scyess
7-14-06
Hey, Tataki! You'll never guess what happned to me today!
You're right. I never will.
I could give you a hint...

 

by Scyess
7-21-06
Bar and grill... bar and grill... why is it always "bar and grill"? What property is intrinic to a bar that compells people to include a grill?
And why is it called "grill," anyway, since everything is invariably deep fat fried?
If I ignore what you're saying as your mouth moves, I can imagine we're having a stimulating conversation.
It isn't always about you.

 

by Scyess
7-30-06
Pres. Bush today announced a new government project to make the North American continent turn into a giant robot.
Israel announced plans to erect a giagantic penis so that America can physically stroke it while claiming to be neutral in the Middle East.
When asked what he planned to do about the Canadian part of North America, the president said, "It will make a nice hat."

 

by Scyess
7-30-06
There's so much war and poverty and hatred and oppression in the world today...
It's enough to make me want to spit into my diet half-calf soy mocha latte.
But then I figure, "Hey, I'm not going to get the rural Chinese a living wage by ruining my tasty beverage."
I heard that excessive drinking can stop the genocide in Darfur, though.

 

by Scyess
8-01-06
Hello. Feral Penguin Department.
Um, is this tech support?
No. All I'm authorized to do is snarl and peck at the phone.
That idiot operator must've transfered me wrong again.
You can't tell, but I'm snarling right now.
How can I get a job like that?

 

by Scyess
8-01-06
Hi. I'm here to apply for the job of "feral penguin."
We usually only accept penguins for those positions.
I think if you look at the 1976 Anti-Discrimination Act you'll find it's illegal to refuse me work because of my --
**SNARL!**
And you just gave up? What a git.
I couldn't help it. I was overwhelmed by his ferality.

 

by Scyess
8-12-06
This pair of shoes is killing my feet.
Does that make them your ARCH-enemy?
I dunno. TAKE A LOOK!
GAH!
I think my mouth is my arch-enemy.
It does seem to attract your foot.

 

by Scyess
8-12-06
Do you find it difficult to be black these days?
THESE DAYS, most people say "African American." My skin isn't literally the color black, is it?
No. But have you or any relatives you've ever met ever even been to Africa?
Well, no... but...
So in abscence of any technically correct terminology, I opt for the one that wastes the fewest syllables.
It's kind of freaky, but you are literally the color white.

 

by Scyess
8-12-06
Do Caucasians feel threatened by the increase in minorities these days?
Why do white people have to be "Caucasian" and not "Caucasian American" like black people are "African American"?
Because "Caucasia" isn't a place.
Actually, the Cacuses ARE a place.
I guess you don't get the "American" because Americans can't find the Caucuses on a map.
Most Americans can't find Africa on a map.

 

by Scyess
8-12-06
How're you doing, my African American friend?
Actually, I'm Canadian.
WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO KNOW PEOPLE'S NATIONALITY TO CLASSIFY THEM BY RACE?!??!
It's seriously impeding the vitally important task of lumping people into categories.
Technically I'm Arabic African Canadian with Left Handed Tendencies.

 

by Scyess
8-12-06
Okay. So black people from Canada are called...
...African Canadians.
So what are black people from Africa called?
Um... African Africans?
What about white immigrants from South Africa?
You're giving me a headache.

 

by Scyess
8-12-06
You've been on a racial-classificion quest?
Yes, my Bovine American Fuchsian friend.
What the hell is that? I'm a cow.
Yes, but "cow" can be considered slanderous speech! It even implies you're of the opposite gender!
As long as we both know what you're talking about, who cares?
THAT'S CRAZY TALK!

 

by Scyess
8-14-06
In the news: more footage of children killed in the current war in the Middle East.
You can't tell whose children they are from the photos, so we'll tell you they're the children of the side we most favor.
Though you have no proof even that these photos are from the current war, you'll be forced to denounce the side we dislike because they kill children.
Refreshingly direct.

 

by Scyess
8-14-06
In further news, more killing in the Middle East.
That's not new! It's happened every day for longer than I've been alive. I thought "news" was supposed be "new!"
Okay, so whadda ya want?
I want to see footage of George Bush parachuting nude into rally supporting gay Arab immigrants!
That would be new. It would also be totally fake.
It's okay. I kind of assume most of what you tell me is fake, anyway.

 

by Scyess
8-16-06
Hey, Sanna! Look at this hilarious skull-fucking site I found!
Maybe it's about time you went out and made some GUY friends, who might actually be interested in your twisted puerility. But leave me out of it.
Hey, Cowdjinn. Want to hear some skull-fucking jokes?
Only if it involves cud.

 

by Scyess
8-18-06
Dammit, why does this stupid web page take so long to load?
Well, that page uses a Java applet, which requires it to download and install an entire JVM onto your computer and...
Um, I didn't want the actual technical answer to that question.
Oh. Then it's because God hates you.
Much better. Thank you.
That's also why you look like that.

 

by Scyess
8-18-06
I can't give you the stuent price for this movie, sir. Your student ID says your graduation date is in the past.
That assumes a four-year degree, but mine is a five-year degree.
It's ten years in the past.
Um, and now I'm a grad student.
According to the photo, you're also a heavyset black woman.
Just give me the ticket! You're not supposed to look at the ID!

 

by Scyess
8-29-06
My theory is that bullets and missiles and planes are shaped the way they are is because war is about men trying to project their penises on each other.
My theory is that they're shaped that way because vaginas aren't very aerodynamic.
Not that you've ever seen a real vagina.
IT'S JUST A THEORY!

 

by Scyess
8-29-06
Do you need any help with the menu, sir?
Not this time! I brought my Chinese-English dictionary.
Uh oh.
Let's see what this translates to... "typhoid"... "salmonilla"... "bacchilism"...
There's a reason we give you numbers to choose from.
Can I just have a pizza delivered to my table?

 

by Scyess
9-20-06
I don't know what to be for Halloween this year.
You could be someone who gets a real job and doesn't spend his time pondering what to do for children's holidays.
I was thinking more like a pirate. A space pirate. With tentacles and stuff.
Yeah. That's what I meant.

 

by Scyess
9-22-06
Hey, Sanna.
J-... Jon? Is that you? What the hell?
I have a curse on me that's rolled me back to ten months old. I don't really want to talk about it.
What do you mean you don't want to talk about it?! How did this happen? Who cursed you?!!
He did. Playing gin rummy with tarot cards.
I said I DON'T want to talk about it.

 

by Scyess
9-24-06
What are you going to do about being stuck in a 10-month-old's body?
Nothing. I'm kind of enjoying it.
It can't be doing much for your romantic life.
Actually, having the hormones of a 10-month-old has effectively put an end to my deisre for women -- which is the best thing that's happened to my romantic life in years.
Isn't it at least inconvenient? How can you, say, sit on the toilet?
Another non-issue. Which reminds me... fetch me someone with opposable thumbs.

 

by Scyess
9-26-06
I can't believe I work fifty hours a week and my husband still expects me to do the laundry!
That's nothing! I work sixty hour weeks and my husband has me do the cooking and the cleaning.
I wish I had it that easy! During my seventy hour week, my unemployed husband has me give him a two-hour massage after every meal I cook.
Ha! After my seven or eight naps, I'm catered to and cooed over by everyone who comes near me!
Now that I've won the conversation, how about a changey?

 

by Scyess
9-26-06
What a shitty day. Twelve hours of reading incomprehensable documents and cajoling clients.
Me too. I must've been burped, like, seven times and made half a dozen poopies.
Didn't you already do this "contrast real life to baby's life" comic? Why don't you fuck off and get some original ideas, you little shit.
... but... no... I mean... we're in a bar now... and... and...
Little shit.
WWAAAAAHHH!!!

 

by Scyess
9-28-06
Why are you so happy?
I'm playing with my yo-yo.
Having a yo-yo doesn't make you cool, you know.
True, but not having a yo-yo does make you uncool.
Hey, Sanna. Where are you going?
To the @#*!!^ing toy shop.

 

by Scyess
10-05-06
Your pathetic attempts at romance will never work.
Your pathetic attempts at violence will never work, either.
How about crossdressing?
I'm sorry. I won't tell you what happens in the season finale of Lost.

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
Hello, heathen. Let me save your soul by converting you.
Get lost. I don't believe in organized religion.
Don't worry. We're totally disorganized.
Oh, yeah? What do you believe?
I'm not sure, really.
Sign me up!

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
Welcome to the first meeting of our Disorganized Religion. Step one is to figure out what we belive.
Why don't we have a god? Or maybe several?
How about a father and a son?
Yeah! And a cousin, and then some puppies!
Oh, yeah. Definitely puppies. Puppies are key.
Worship the puppies!

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
All right! I've found a new religion, so we have to perform our pre-meal ritual before we eat.
Okay. What is it?
Uh, well... um... I kinda don't know yet.
I can see why you find this life path so much more fulfilling.
Hey! I said it was new, all right!

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
People are making fun of my newfound faith. I think I want out of your religion.
Before you make that decision, check out what's in that box.
PUPPIES! I'll never doubt again!
Hallelujah!

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
You heathen scum. You will find your false religion has not prepared you for damnation in the afterlife!
Well, maybe not. But my religion has puppies!
Puppies? That's your religion? Puppies?
Yep! Loads of them! They're adorable!
For some reason I find that irresistably appealing. But do you get to wrap ladies' underwear around your head?
Not yet, but we can bring it up at the next meeting.

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
A new religion is sweeping the world -- threatening to become the most popular movement ever. Our reporter Grape Levine interviewed its founder.
So what is your religion all about? =============== Uh, what? =============== That's it?
Puppies. =============== Puppies. =============== Maybe. We haven't really thought this through a whole lot.
So it's not so much a religion as it is a... "dogma?" Ha ha! OW! Hey! OW!!!
I've gotta sign me up for this shit.

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
In a move that shocked the world, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today announced that Iran was replacing Islam as its official religion with puppies.
"From now on, whenever the US does something stupid, we will simply smile and send them a fuzzy puppy," he said in a prepared statement.
The US immediately reported a huge increase in the number of southeastern Asian immigrants wielding forks. The administration denies any correlation.

 

by Scyess
10-09-06
We've got to do something to put an end to this new "puppies" religion. It's eroding my fundamentalist base.
Yes, Mr. President. What should we do?
We've got to do something that wins the hearts and mind of Americans and the world.
Let's slaughter all the puppies.
I knew he was going to say that.

Showing page 31.

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