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Don't get your hopes up.

 

While You Were Out 1 by ivytheplant 1-19-07
1,000 miles away from home... When I went to feed the cats, I noticed that the ceiling was raining water. What should I do? Let me call the emergency plumber.	"You have reached the voice mail for the fucktard who's supposed to be on call in case of an emergency. He's fallen asleep and doesn't hear the phone."	"Please leave a message."

 

While You Were Out 2 by ivytheplant 1-19-07
1,000 miles away from home... Well, now what do you want me to do? Let me call the landlord and see what to do.	"This is your landlord's voice mail. He isn't going to answer the phone so you might as well give up."	"His cell phone isn't picking up either."

 

While You Were Out 3 by ivytheplant 1-19-07
1,000 miles away from home... Ooookay, now what should I do? Call the non-asshole plumbers and get the water shut off.	Next morning... This is your landlord's wife. How dare you shut off the water to the house! The girl in the back doesn't have water now!	And how dare you leave your apartment locked while you're out of town! I can't get in because I'm too ditzy to find the master key!

 

While You Were Out 4 by ivytheplant 1-19-07
1,000 miles away from home... All of your furniture, audio/video equipment, books, important papers, and computers are soaked.	Also, the mold in the ceiling is now in your furniture and it's been so humid nothing is drying. We can't turn on fans because the outlets have shorted out.	Also, this town has no renter's rights.

 

While You Were Out 5 by ivytheplant 1-19-07
1,000 miles away from home... It's three days later. They turned the water back on and supposedly fixed the problem but the ceiling is still raining. Sigh, let me call the plumber's emergency line again.	"You have reached your plumber's emergency number. We decided not to answer the phone again."	"We're probably out having sex with cows."

 

Concerns by ivytheplant 1-20-07
Hi, I'm your wife's mother's cousin-in-law. I'm sorry to hear you were sick. Um, okay...	Hi, I'm the 20-something minister that will be performing the memorial service. I hope you're feeling better. GOD RULES! Thanks?	Hi, I'm your wife's grandmother's caregiver's errand worker. Feeling better? Not any more.

 

Concerns 2 by ivytheplant 1-20-07
Why do all these people I don't know ask how I'm feeling? I think a couple weeks ago I might have told mom in passing that I had a cold and you were fighting it.	So why are they talking to me about it? I think we need a flashback to my childhood.	1989 I heard from your second cousin who heard from your first cousin who heard from your aunt who heard from your grandmother who heard from your mother that you have swimmer's ear. Get better. Who the hell are you?

 

Memorial by ivytheplant 1-20-07
I'll be performing the memorial services and let me tell you, I am just so excited about GOD!	Here's an interesting antecdote about the deceased cleverly worked into how GREAT god is!	Now let's all turn to page 279 and sing about how great Jesus is! I wonder if anyone told her that grandma didn't like the church.

 

Memorial 2 by ivytheplant 1-20-07
Let's all turn in your hymnals to page 178 and recite the Nicene Creed. Uh oh, I feel another flashback coming on...	1995 Why weren't you doing the recitations or singing hymns in church today? Because they're affirmations of a faith that I don't have.	I don't care what you believe, it's disrespectful to not follow along! So you want me to lie while in church?

 

Misheard on the Radio

"Brought to you by Nigger Meyers Chrysler." I'm not going to turn around.

by ivytheplant, 1-20-07

 

While You Were Out 6 by ivytheplant 1-21-07
1,000 miles away from home... Our furniture and belongings are ruined, we have no money to replace them and thanks to this emergency trip, we can't even pay rent. Don't forget you essentially won't have a home to go back to for a while and you can't afford to stay in a hotel.	How about a Plan B? Well, you could always hire an attorney and hope to somehow win a lawsuit against one of the richest and most powerful men in the state.	I don't think any of those are acceptable solutions. Have you thought about plastic explosives?

 

While You Were Out 7 by ivytheplant 1-21-07
1,000 miles away from home... The plumbers need to get in and fix the pipes on Monday.	They will probably have to take apart the ceiling.	And of course we'll make sure you're responsible for cleaning up the mess. Golf club...

 

While You Were Out 8 by ivytheplant 1-22-07
1,000 miles away from home... Why did you have the water turned off? Because it was dripping through the ceiling.	Next day... Why did you have the water turned off? Because it was dripping through the ceiling.	Next day... Why did you have the water turned off? Because it was dripping through the ceiling.

 

While You Were Out 9 by ivytheplant 1-22-07
1,000 miles away from home... Even though it's a hardship to the girl who lives in the building behind you, we're going to allow you to have the water turned off so the ceiling will stop dripping. How kind of you.	Next day... Your friends turned the water back on and screwed up our carefully laid plans. I assure you, they only turned the water off.	Well, we had a new valve installed so the other girl can have water while yours is turned off. I can't believe you didn't read our minds so you could anticipate this. Why do I have a cell phone if all people do is call to complain about something they should have called me about sooner?

 

While You Were Out 10 by ivytheplant 1-22-07
1,000 miles away from home... Jabber jabber jabber complain complain complain whine whine whine! WHAT PART OF "1,000 MILES AWAY" DON'T YOU FUCKERS UNDERSTAND!?	It's your responsibility to coordinate the efforts of six different people in getting your apartment repaired from my negligence. YOU'RE THE FUCKING LANDLORD AND I'M IN ANOTHER TIME ZONE!	Right, so you need to call your friend to open your apartment, then call the plumber and tell them the apartment is open, then call me and tell me the plumbers will be in the apartment then... AAARRRGGGHHH!!

 

While You Were Out 11 by ivytheplant 1-22-07
1,000 miles away from home... So I called your plumber's main office, but there was no answer so I called the emergency number.	He said he wasn't working today and to call the main office and get the pager number from the machine message.	The pager number is the same as Mr. I-Don't-Have-To-Work-Today. Suggestions? Nuke from orbit.

 

Seen On A Sign Today 3

HARD & WIRELESS!! So, I hear you have a "hard" option... For the last time, that's the DSL options in the motel rooms!

by ivytheplant, 1-23-07

 

Randomly Appearing Snowman in Muggified! by ivytheplant 1-24-07
Time to hand me that laptop. Um... no?	YOU'RE A MORON!	So, about that laptop... Let me get my camera. I'm going to put this on Youtube.

 

While You Were Out 12 by ivytheplant 1-24-07
Back home again... Yeah, so we've been waiting all morning for you guys to come fix our plumbing. We thought you'd call us when you were ready.	We were told you'd call us first thing in the morning. We'll be over right away.	2 hours later... Jihad...

 

While You Were Out 13 by ivytheplant 1-24-07
3 hours later.. I'm here about the plumbing. So let me ask you: Where is your office located?	Four blocks down the street from here. So would you say it takes three hours to drive four blocks?	No, that's just stupid.

 

While You Were Out 14 by ivytheplant 1-24-07
So we never actually fixed the leak. We have to find it first and that might not be finished today. Right.	You'd better move your furniture so it doesn't get damaged. You mean more than it already is?	I wouldn't know about that. That's right, none of you answer the emergency line.

 

While You Were Out 15 by ivytheplant 1-24-07
So there's nothing more I can do. You were here for 25 minutes. You didn't do anything.	We'll be back sometime tomorrow to start fixing things. Can't even give you an approximate time of day. Of course.	Oh, and you're liable for that valve there that you broke trying to do the work we neglected. Have you thought about a career as a human cannonball?

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek by ivytheplant 1-26-07
I think I'm going to make some soup in the middle of a battle.	ARGH! The panel exploded!	Well that was stupid.

 

Pizza Delivery by ivytheplant 1-26-07
It's the blue house across the street from you. Uh, you do realize that we charge $1 for delivery.	And? You could always walk across the street and pick it up for no delivery charge.	You haven't been in this country long, have you? No, why do you ask?

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek 2 by ivytheplant 1-26-07
Hey, it's dark in here. I think I'll turn on the light.	ARGH! The panel exploded!	Well, at least the light's on.

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek 3 by ivytheplant 1-26-07
I think I'll go open a window.	ARGH! The panel exploded!	What the fuck is wrong with this place!?

 

Smallville in 3 Panels by ivytheplant 1-27-07
I'm beautiful, have a great life with a family and woman who loves me, and powers anyone would envy. I think I'll fuck it all up because I'm angsty. I'm going to create unneccesary drama and when someone makes a mistake, I'm NEVER going to let them forget it. Five seasons later I'll still be bitching.	I'm a character that's almost, but not quite, like the DC character you've all grown to love. I annoy all nerds and OCDs. My angst knows n bounds. I'm a lame DC character repackaged to be cool. It would work if they could just figure out what the fuck I can do that's not lame. I'm not angsty because that might make me too cool.	I'm never going to let you know which side I'm on, even though everyone knows I'm evil. I'll also make sure there's lots of angsty sexual tension going on. I have no super powers and they named me Shelby.

 

My Personal Hell by ivytheplant 1-29-07
You have to watch Evil In The Bayou for eternity. Meh, it's not so bad.	Okay, then you have to listen to John Tesh for eternity. I grew up around country music. I learned to tune things out.	Fine, you asked for it: You have to drive across Nebraska for eternity. You son of a bitch!

 

Solutions by ivytheplant 1-29-07
Mr. President, I propose we make Nebraska no longer stupefyingly ugly by carving it up into smaller pieces and renaming them. I'm listening.	Papillon to Kearney will be the Road to Hell, Kearney to Ogallala will be the Pit of Despair, and the panhandle will be Little Nebraska (aka Hell). What about Omaha?	Let's just merge it with Council Bluffs. They're practically the same town anyway. Do you hear something? It sounds like Iowa screaming in terror.

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek 4 by ivytheplant 1-29-07
I should get away from the stove. It's about to explode.	ARGH! The microwave exploded!	God, I hate this place.

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek 5 by ivytheplant 1-29-07
Could you turn on the light for me. Fuck no. It's going to explode.	Don't be ridiculous. The wiring is all brand new, state-of-the-art techno crap. It won't explode. Fine.	WOOSH! Oops. I hate you.

 

For Attitudechicka by ivytheplant 1-30-07
A Dollar Tree just opened. Sweet! Let's go!	Everything's $1 So...how much are these candles? Grrr...	She seemed a bit cranky. I didn't even get to ask if they fill up balloons.

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek 6 by ivytheplant 1-30-07
There's no bathrooms anywhere.		Hello improvisation.

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek 7 by ivytheplant 1-30-07
I'm Jewish by blood but I follow no organized religion. So you're like 7 of 9. Though she no longer follows the collective, she's still considered Borg.		Please kill me.

 

If Life Was Like Star Trek 8 by ivytheplant 1-30-07
God willing, I won't have to touch any panels today.		Oh good, I got sucked into space instead.

 

Comparisons by ivytheplant 1-30-07
Anywhere south, east, or west of here that gets above 80 F. Christ it's hot! What the hell do you people call this weather? Spring. Why do you ask?	This sucks. I'm going home. Call me when an ice age hits. Haha, you northerners are such pussies. Can't take a little heat.	Back at the ranch... Motherfucking hell! What do you people call ths -25 F weather? Spring. Why do you ask?

 

Climate Change by ivytheplant 1-31-07
What I tell everyone who comes to visit: Don't forget to bring a coat. Don't be silly. It's July.	What always happens: It's snowing Happy Independence Day.	I can't feel my testicles. I'll go find some socks.

 

Perspective by ivytheplant 1-31-07
Hooray! It snowed on my birthday! Hooray! It snowed on my wedding day!	Hooray! It snowed on July 4th! Hooray! It snowed on Thanksgiving!	Hooray! It snowed on Spring Break! Goddamnit, would it kill mother nature to give me a fucking snow day at school?

 

Perspective 2 by ivytheplant 1-31-07
Hooray! It snowed on Election Day! Hooray! It snowed on Halloween!	Hooray! It snowed on Memorial Day! Hooray! It snowed on Labor Day!	Seriously, dude. 28 years and no fucking white Christmas. What gives? I've got to stop taking walk-ins.

 

I Think I've Done This One Before by ivytheplant 1-31-07
I'm going on a fabulous Caribbean cruise for spring break! What are you doing? I thought I'd relax a bit. Wander around and see what there is to see.	Due to the blizzard and three feet of snow in the area, all roads in and leading to the city are closed. Residents are adviced to stay in their homes and try to keep warm until the power is back onlin I wonder how long a TV can burn.	One week later...after the snow conveniently evaporated/melted... Gee, you seem pretty cranky for someone who just had spring break! Come closer. I have a golf club I'd like you to meet.

 

3 Conversational Mistakes I Should Never Make With Family by ivytheplant 1-31-07
Mistake #1 As soon as I can afford it, I'm getting my tubes tied. No you're not. You don't want that. I know because I'm older and smarter than you.	Mistake #2 But I don't want kids. Ever. Oh, you'll want them. That's what I said too, and since I changed my mind, so will you.	Mistake #3 Hey, guess who isn't in charge of my life. If you don't have kids, you're failing me and invalidating all the sacrifices made for you.

 

Ye Olde Randome by ivytheplant 1-31-07
		God, the service here is so slow.

 

... by ivytheplant 1-31-07
Tomorrow the temperature will be -24 with a wind chill between -30 and -40. I'll wear my scarf.	You'll need pants. Never! They can take our pants but they will never take our freedom!	Braveheart said that.

 

How To Talk To THEM by ivytheplant 1-31-07
Incorrect: I don't want kids. Oh you'll change your mind! Everybody does!	Correct: Financially, my husband and I are not at the point in our lives where we would be able to give proper support to a child. Oh, I totally understand! Good for you for being responsible!	Best results: I believe in spanking. People like you should be sterilized! I'm never speaking to you again!

 

Ye Olde Randome 2 by ivytheplant 1-31-07
Tamu banukem iyapie dehere namese pem. Mi ru nosewur: Jemis lavo une luyabieb bic nobom co rosiepop rocome afep.	Fepeno talik ewor varay iditive. Sohido tihide yic logi data noyielap bifu. Naguc badimam simolas bebem ese danara!	And that's US Tax Law. I'm moving back to Russia.

 

Fine Dining by ivytheplant 1-31-07
...served with a side of linguine in lobster-scented bernaise. "Lobster-scented"?	Oh, it's very delightful! A delicate scent that enhances the salmon. I assure you, it is the highest-quality! Sure, I'll try it.	Armand! We need you to fart on the pasta again! Yessir!

 

Double Randomnation by ivytheplant 2-01-07
Finally after a lifetime of work, I will find out if a duck's quack can echo! ...	QUACK! ...uh, quack?	AGAIN! You know, Mythbusters did it already.

 

It's A Swamp Thang by ivytheplant 2-01-07
We got our replacement modem today. Yay!	It has a lot more holes for water to get into than the old one did. That's a funny way to have to think about a modem.	We swamp creatures have to think about these things. Can we get a canoe?

 

While You Were Out 16 by ivytheplant 2-01-07
Last Thursday... So we'll give you a call on Monday and come back to finish fixing the leak. Yes, I would like to live in my living room someday.	Monday... No one called or showed up all day. Of course. Then they might have to work.	Today... "We're not here right now. Please leave a message and we'll get back to you after we're done fucking some cows." Hey cocksuckers...

 

True Tales of Ivy's Cats 22: I Took The Blue Pill by ivytheplant 2-02-07
It has come to our attention that it is too cold for our paws and noses. We need to do something about this. The humans give off a lot of warmth. Let's use them as a heat source.	But how will we get the humans to go along with this fiendish plan? We will create a false reality to make it appear as if we enjoy their company instead of using them as slaves.	Purr purr purr purr purr purr purr purr Ever have one of those days when you feel like you're in the Matrix?

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