All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
4-01-07
Hey, Sanna. Have you signed up to buy my daughter's Girl Scout cookies yet?
Why should I buy your daughter's cookies when every other parent your age is selling the exact same cookies?
Well...
Go on. Sell me.
Because you like guys with goatees and glasses?
Strike one!

 

by Scyess
4-01-07
I'm sorry. I refuse to buy people's daughter's Girl Scout cookies at work.
But why?
Because isn't the whole point that the girl goes out and sells them herself?
Go out? In the world? MY DAUGHTER??? Are you nuts!? There are people out there!!!!
I see...
So can I put you down for 200 boxes, then?

 

by Scyess
4-01-07
Don't you think you're sending the wrong message to your daughter by selling her Girl Scout cookies for her?
I'm sending the message that you'll never get anywhere in life unless you already know people in high places.
It's still the wrong message, dammit... even if it's technically correct.
So I can put you down for 200 boxes, then?

 

by Scyess
4-01-07
I don't believe you've gotten this far in life and never kissed a girl.
Well, there was once...
Uh... that was great... but I've just decided to become a lesbian.
Does that mean 2nd base is out of the question?
I could lend you a sympathetic ear, but I think I'd rather make fun of you forever.
Someday, 2nd base... someday...

 

by Scyess
4-03-07
I love you, Grenda.
Oh really? Why don't you leave your wife and marry me?
I will. I promise.
What! I couldn't marry a guy who would leave his wife for another woman!
We seem to be at an impasse.
Let's compromise. How about I storm off in a huff and blackmail you forever?

 

by Scyess
4-03-07
Hello. This is The Man, Inc. Can I help you?
Yes. I'm interested in working for you.
Certainly! What position would you like to apply for?
I'd like to apply for a position as "The Man." Do you have an opening?
I'm sorry, not right now. I only have openings in "insignifiant peon" and "temporary gopher."
But I can work my way up, right?

 

by Scyess
4-06-07
Jon... is that you? Gad! I never pictured you as the sporting type.
You're right. I'm not at all into sports. But this is a golf course.
Are you implying that golf is not a sport?
Are you implying that it is?
I am inferring that you're not here for the pleasure of the game.
No. I'm here to find out why rich people like to do boring things.

 

by Scyess
4-07-07
Hey, Tataki. I saw your boyfriend on the golf course yesterday.
What were you doing on a golf course?
Oh, shit. Whatever I say, she's going to think I was spying on them...
Ha! Your silence reveals to me that your only intention was to spy on us!
Damn, Jon. What the hell happened to get both legs up your own ass?
Golf injury.

 

by Scyess
4-07-07
Someday I'll learn what a man needs to know about sexually satisfying a woman.
Here's a good start: Don't machine-gun sneeze during cunnilingus.
Rough date last night?
Just a bit.

 

by Scyess
4-09-07
You know, Sanna, as long as we've been roommates, it's amazing we've never hooked up.
Not really. You're a huge dork with no muscle tone or hygene habits. And you're kind of creepy.
...and those just the types of flaws that will endear me to you as a person.
You tried to have sex with my toaster.

 

by Scyess
4-09-07
Violence doesn't solve anything, you know.
Yes it does.
No, it do- AWK!
DOES!!!!
Does.
Okay, it does.

 

by Scyess
4-09-07
(What a dummy.)
Hey! Who're you calling dumb!!?!
No, really. Who? It isn't me, is it? Certainly I'm not dumb. Er... am I?
I guess I'll never know.

 

by Scyess
4-12-07
Hey! Streena, right? Remember me? Jon? We had a date a few years ago.
Ah, yes.
Oh, man. I remember something embarassing happened, right? What was it?
I set you on fire.
Oh, yes! Haha! Well, if you're over the embarassment, would you like to go out again?
It was on purpose.

 

by Scyess
4-12-07
Excuse me... I ordered the huevos rancheros.
So?
So this is a club sandwich.
Oh, sorry. Our cook doesn't speak Spanish.
You're not going to convince me that I ended up at the one restaraunt in America whose cook doesn't speak Spanish.
Okay. It's really because we hate you. Next!

 

by Scyess
4-12-07
Okay. Fine. So we're on a date.
But just because I agreed to go out with you, don't think I'm in any way obligated to carry on a conversation, or look at you, or ever see you again.
So basically I just signed up to pay for an extra meal and some animocity.
I'll have the surf & turf and a bottle of Opus I. To go.

 

by Scyess
4-13-07
Yet another celebrity made racist remarks this week. The entire country dropped what they were doing so they could act indignant.
You know the problem with this country? People care about too much stupid shit. I'm going to devote the rest of my life to promoting apathy.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
A few months later...
You'd be amazed how hard it is to organize the apathetic.
So?

 

by Scyess
4-13-07
I'm going down to enter the amateur greased crocodile wrestling contest!
That doesn't seem very wise.
I didn't get where I am today by being wise!
And where are you, exactly?
Uh... unemployed... no girlfriend... and about to wrestle greased crocodiles.
Well, hey. Don't let me swipe your gusto.

 

by Scyess
4-13-07
Can I ask a dumb question?
Ask! There's no such thing as a dumb question.
Oh, wait... there's no such thing as a stupid question. I guess there could be dumb ones.
If I eat a lot of Spam, will I gain the ability to sniff out artificial truffles?
Excellent example.

 

by Scyess
4-14-07
Oh my gosh! Who are you guys?!
We are the seven deadly sins! Behold, the Robot of Greed! The Dachshund of Envy! The Chicken of Gluttony! The Professor of Pride! The Snail Darter of Wrath! The Marmot of Lust! And the Sloth of Sloth!
Sloth of Sloth? Man, you must have been a shoe-in for that job.
No shit! The rest of us had to work like bitches to get this gig.
Sounds like the Dachshund of Envy is well qualified.
Stop changing the subject! There is a reason for our visit! Which way is your bathroom?

 

by Scyess
4-16-07
Incarnations of the seven deadly sins stopped by yesterday, including the Marmot of Lust.
What's a marmot?
It's like a large, ground squirrel.
You mean squirrels are like small, tree marmots!
And apparently, they decided to stay.
You're out of toilet paper!

 

by Scyess
4-20-07
Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill.
Not only did he have the nerve to say something that painfully obvious just for a sound byte, but we, the American press, stroked him off by actually reporting this bullshit.
And you, the American public, are actually listening to it! How's that for a steaming pile of crap, folks?

 

by Scyess
4-20-07
Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill.
This brilliant epiphany came in the wake of the shooting of 38 students at a US university.
In other news, in the time it took to report that last story, 3000 people were raped to death in Sudan.

 

by Scyess
4-20-07
Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill.
When asked what we should do with all those guns, the candidate said, "I dunno. Maybe we could hand them out to children so they can protect themselves at school."
When our reporter moved in to ask another question, Obama pulled out a Bowie knife and said, "backoff, nigga! ima cutcha!"
Fo' shizzle!

 

by Scyess
4-20-07
Presidential contender Barak Obama today said that guns should be kept away from the mentally ill.
In protest, the lobbist group Firearms for the Unstable donated $250,000 to Hillary Clinton.
Obama then retracted his statment and personally handed a loaded Baretta to a psychotic. He's expected to recover from his wounds in time to resume his camapaign.

 

by Scyess
4-20-07
Down with cannibalism! Eat food not dudes! Keep the "man" out of "Manwich!"
What the hell are you talking about?
I have information that someone in this house has been visiting cannibalism web sites!
Oh, Christ! I clicked on that by mistake! Go away!
How can you click on a canniblism site by mistake?
I misread it. It really said "Hot girl on grill action."

 

by Scyess
4-22-07
Here at Crapco, our goal is 100% customer satisfaction. So if you're not 100% satisfied with our product, we don't meet our goal.
Tough luck for you and us, then.
But mostly you.

 

by Scyess
5-01-07
My old job at the factory was so stressful I wanted to cry.
I hate seeing a grown man blubber.
Now I work in finance.
You're so well rounded! I guess you know all about inflation...?
Are you lobbing thinly veiled fat cracks at me?
No way! I'm bigger than that! Besides, you look swell.

 

by Scyess
5-02-07
Why so glum, Hal?
I'm trying to write a rock song about my girlfriend.
...and it's not going well?
No. I love the way she walks, but unfortunately I'm not a huge fan of the way she talks.
I can see how that might be a problem.
She's re-tiling my bathroom now. I'm just screwed if I don't love the way she caulks.

 

by Scyess
5-02-07
How's the rock song about your girlfriend going?
I still love the way she walks, so I sang it to her even though I don't love the way she talks.
...and...?
She balked.
Did you love the way she balked?
REWRITE!

 

by Scyess
5-03-07
I don't find anything funny lately.
Well, some define humor as the assertion of the unexpected. Therefore...
NARF NARF NARF NARF NARF!!!!!
FOOMA BOOMA ROOMA TOOMA SOOMA LOOMA!!!!!
I totally saw that coming.
Rats.

 

by Scyess
5-15-07
Hey! I just scored tickets to the Indy 500!
I didn't know you were interested in inhaling exhaust while watching a bunch of rednecks drive around in a big circle.
I'm not! But my friend won a free ticket, and they're really hard to get.
So you're going to pay to fly to a place you don't really want to go to to watch something you're not interested in because it's a rare opportunity?
Why do you make everything I do sound stupid?
I might ask you the same question.

 

by Scyess
5-17-07
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
SLAP!!!!
Why is Jon lying face down on the floor?
I think it's some sort of Zen meditation.

 

by Scyess
5-17-07
Hey... My scooter broke down about a block back. Can you help me?
No, but be at peace knowing that at this present time, your scooter's existence is at a place where it no longer runs.
I thought you people were supposed to be good at fixing shit.
Just motorcycles.

 

by Scyess
5-22-07
Still stuck on the rock song about your girlfriend?
Yes. I love the way she walks, but not the way she talks.
Bummer.
Yeah. She kind of lisps.
What if you write a blues song about her?
No good. She hasn't cheated on me, and I never wake up before noon.

 

by Scyess
5-30-07
What's that smell?
I'm microwaving some pizza.
MREWROAWOOOOOOWWWRRRRR!!!!
And by "pizza" I mean "kittens."
I hope they're better than those Cool Ranch Capibaras®.

 

by Scyess
5-31-07
The US government decided to melt down all those state quarters today. Anyone with a full collection left at home is now rich!
Yes!
Ha! Just kidding! Collecting those things is just as stupid and worthless as it always was. Hahaha!
In other news, gullibility has been linked to longer lifespans.
Yes!

 

by Scyess
6-06-07
Uh, you guys actually have a menu item called "the world class burger?"
Yep.
What the hell could possibly be world class about a fast food burger-type substance?
Well, it's a burger good enough to be served in the world.
That kind of makes me wonder about the rest of the burgers.
It's not an accident this place is subtitled "Home of the Stomach Pump."

 

by Scyess
6-06-07
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
. . .
blah blah blah blah blah blah ... horse suppositories. Ready?
. . . * Uh... huh? What?
Ow.
You should really pay attention when people are talking to you.

 

by Scyess
6-06-07
What makes you think you're qualified for a job here?
Uh, well, I can write. Type, actually. And I have a spell checker.
Just answer me this question: how may pounds will Lindsay Lohan gain over the summer?
Uh... three hundred pounds.
Congrats! I heard you got a job with The National Enquirer!
Who's "Lindsay Lohan"?

 

by Scyess
6-06-07
Hi, little girl! I'm feeling silly today! You want to get silly with me?
Not really, Mr. Clown. I have terminal cancer and will die within the month.
Gee, that's too bad, little girl. I feel so bad, I'll give you a pony!
Yaay! Thank you, Mr. Clown!
Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery! haha! Isn't that silly, little girl?
You are so silly, Mr. Clown!

 

by Scyess
6-06-07
Well, hello! How are you doing, little girl?
Not so hot, Mr. Cowboy. I've got terminal cancer and will die in a month.
Well, shucks, little girl. It breaks my heart to see a girl die a virgin.
Gee, Mr. Cowboy. What's a "virgin"?
In about five minutes, not you.
Thank you! You're so nice!

 

by Scyess
6-07-07
Man... Bruce Willis looks so hot in his new movie with a shaved head!
Wait... a celebrity changed his hairstyle? This is breaking news! I've got a job to do!
The National Enquirer
This just in! Balding celebrity Bruce Willis flies to Thailand to get a hair transplant from an orangutan. "It worked for Donald Trump," he was reported to have said...
Um, Jon? Did you write a three-page exposé based on the offhand remark I made the other day?
I'm particularly proud of how I cleverly wove Oprah's weight into it.

 

by Scyess
6-08-07
You know, boss, it occurred to me that since I work for you and all, you should probably be paying me more.
Okay. How much am I paying you now?
Uh, nothing.
Ha! We'll pay you four times that!
Um, yeah. Let's start over.
"Yeah" sounds like a binding verbal contract to me!!!

 

by Scyess
6-11-07
Oh, man! I had such a crush on this girl in 9th grade!
Haw! Me too!
Who knew we had so much in common?
The difference is that I was also in ninth grade at the time, whereas yours was last week.
No, the one last week was a purely physical thing.

 

by Scyess
6-11-07
Why don't we go out for coffee tomorrow?
Sorry. You're too scrawny and your hair is silly.
What ever happened to "You can't judge a book by its cover?"
You're also insipid, crass, and boring.
You, um, can't judge a book by its contents.
And you're about to have a broken spine.

 

by Scyess
6-11-07
I've decided to only eat cruelty-free foods from now on.
That's great! What made you decide to do it?
Because he got sick of being beaten up by his mashed potatoes.
That wasn't a very nice thing to say. What's the real reason?
No. That was it.

 

by Scyess
6-12-07
I hate sitting on public toilets.
At camp as a kid, I once spent two weeks without crapping because I wouldn't use the cabin toilet.
Really? That's just... so...
Anal retentive?
You bastard.

 

by Scyess
6-13-07
Hey, Cowdjinn. What is that giant contraption in our back yard?
It's an oven. I've decided to sell Nazi-style beef jerky.
Nazi-style? What the hell is Nazi-style beef jerky?
It was nice of Cowdjinn to let us use his sauna, but is it getting a little too warm?
Help me with the door. I think it's stuck.

 

by Scyess
6-14-07
"Do you believe in evolution?" _______________ "Do I believe in evolution, son? Let me tell you what I believe in!"
I believe in impregnating as many relatives as possible until your family runion has more anthropologists and side-show scouts than actual family members.
You want mutations? I'll show you mutations, you sonofabitch!
Now we're getting somewhere!

 

by Scyess
6-14-07
So you believe in evolution, right?
No. Not at all.
What? How can you not believe in evolution?
Well, for one thing, this tired debate hasn't changed 150 years.
I meant do you believe in human evolution?
These days I find more evidence in the theory of human devolution.

Showing page 35.

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