All comics by arrandildocompany

Profile

 

"By not voting on Thursday, I'm making a statement. I'm saying, I don't care about my family's healthcare."
Oh yeah, that's right, blame me for your parties' total failure to engage the electorate why don't you! And why should I care about your family's healthcare, you slut?
"By not voting on Thursday, I'm making a statement. I'm saying, I don't care about the future of my children's education."
Got that right. I constantly seek to vandalise and terrorise my old school in new and imaginative ways.
"By not voting on Thursday, I'm making a statement..."
Fuck's sake, what the fuck is this, fucking South Africa man?!? I mean, FUCKING HELL!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK OFFFFFFF!!! FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK OFFFFFF!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH, I'M DYING!!!!!!!

 

Well? How did you vote then?
Er. Rather not say.
How?
Well, if I pretend I didn't vote Tory, my right-wing chums'll think I've gone soft. If I admit I did vote Tory, my left-wing chums'll think I've gone mad.
Let me guess... you voted Tory, didn't you?
No! Who said that?!?

 

Every time I close my eyes, all I see is this dark woman, holding her hands to her head and screaming horribly.
Ah. Clearly the terrible recent images of warfare have made an understandably powerful impact on you.
The Dildo Company of Arran would like it to be known that we are now offering out the irrelevant space between the first and third panels in future strips to commercial tender.
Interested parties should contact outsidebroadcasts@hotmail.com and ask for Chief Negotiator Rabadash, or phone +441418821971 and ask for Des and a good time.
Who said anything about the poxy war? It's just my way of dealing with exam fever. Here, you look like John Swinney, ya wank. Gettin' do'ed, half three.
You're a child of the nineties alright.

 

Q. 1. To what extent were philanthropic and legislative responses to the perceived problems of working-class adolescents in this period prompted by a concern for 'national efficiency'?
Easy. That's so easy, I'm going to think about something else for twenty minutes.
Fall, worlds! For I am the Empress Jadis, and with one Deplorable Word all mountains will shatter, all men will fall before me in eternal awe, all great cities will be laid waste as barren Charn!
Q. 4. To what extent did Charles Booth's survey of London and Seebohm Rowntree's survey of York merely confirm 'Victorian values'?
Two words, first word ach, second word sigh.

 

Alastair Campbell, governmental Director of Communications, and a dossier of Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction -
Aw, yeah... girl, Ah wohnnuh treet tchu righ'... Ah'm gohn tayk it reeeal slow...
Ah'm gohn sex you up, all night lohng...
And later, sans dossier, in front of the Foreign Affairs Select Committee or somesuch -
Read the hole in my face where my lips should be. I did not have sexual relations with that weighty manuscript.
Is that why we went to war, cos you couldnae get yer hole?

 

My comics have gone a bit stale since the end of the great diversion that was the Iraq war. I think I need to pep things up by introducing some new character, some blast from the past, a la Bill Mann.
Aye, great.

 

Uday Hussein, and a probably blasphemous representation of Allah -
Well well, you've met a sticky end. 'A sadist with a taste for cruelty extreme even by your father's standards' is how the Guardian described you. Explain yourself.
I know with every fibre of instinct and conviction in my body that history will forgive us.
History, eh? Well, I'm afraid that, despite your wholeheartedly secular efforts, I am not history but very much a part of the present, and you're up Um Qasr creek without a proverbial paddle.
Silence, else I'll have your legs cut off then lash the soles of your feet.
Oh, that's torn it. I sentence you to an eternity in the seventh circle of hell, where you will be forever 'grilled' by the Foreign Affairs Select Committee, with no wrist-slashing exit strategy.
Ach... Allah u not so hakbar after all...

 

There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail; there gloom the dark, broad seas.
My mariners, souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought with me - that ever with a frolic welcome took the thunder and the sunshine, and opposed free hearts, free foreheads.
You and I are old; old age hath yet his honour and his toil. Death closes all; but something ere the end, some work of noble note, may yet be done, not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
Aye, great.

 

Me and my mate Skeelo -
Hello / I wish I was a little bit taller / I wish I was a baller / I wish I had a girl who looked good / I would call her / I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat / and a six four Impala.
Er... hello / I wish I spent less time in the QM / then I could get a job / maybe like the PM / but not in the AM / cause then I like to snooze / then I booze / and cause mayhem.
I wish I was like six foot nine / So I can get with Leoshi / Cause she don't know me / but yo she's really fine / You know I see her all the time / Everywhere I go / etc.
What's a six four Impala?
I wish I was a little bit taller / I wish I was a baller / I wish I had a girl who looked good / I would call her / I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat / and a six four Impala.
You touch on one of the defining questions of our epoch - is it better to be three feet taller, or three feet shorter?

 

Freude, schöner Götterfunken / Tochter aus Elysium / wir betreten feuertrunken / Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
Deine Zauber binden wieder / was die Mode streng geteilt / alle Menschen werden Brüder / wo dein snafter Flügel weilt!
Aye, great.

 

Me and my not mate R Kelly -
I wanna see you move your body like a snake. Yeah, aiyyo, can y'all hear me out there? I-ight, now this is what I wanna see. I wanna see all of the ladies, line up right here, now.
What on earth for?
Well, we calculated that if I asked my fans to do anything provocative, politicised, socially conscious or at all independently minded, as black recording artists did in the past, my appeal to...
To what? Tell me, to what!
To the affluent white children who constitute my fanbase would rapidly disappear. So it's better if I stick to asking them to move their bodies like a snake, ma.
Speaking of children, why aren't you in jail?!? Here's a rhyme - I wish I was a little bit taller / Then I'd boot your balls / Er...

 

At the interview -
Ah, come in Mr Mayes - take a seat. Please, tell me more about yourself.
You expect me to talk?
Talk, Mr Mayes - talk? I expect you to die! NYAHANNAAHANAHHNNNAANAA ANNAHHHAAAAAHAAAANANNA ANNANAHHAHAAANNANANANANANA ANANANANNANHHHAANNNANHAHAHAH HANANANNNANAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHARRHARRHAR!!!!!!
Er... I'm not so sure I'm really suited to this line of work...
Later -
So they stuck his head on the top of Canary Wharf tower, and Fed Ex'd his torso and limbs to the regional offices in Frankfurt, Cape Town, Boston and Singapore.
Ach. I told him not to wear the three-buttoned suit.

 

Incoming British Ambassador Sir Emyr Jones Parry at the United Nations -
Israel's airstrikes in Syria were an unacceptable violation of the sovereign terrority of that state. No one member is above international law. The UN is the proper forum for dealing with this stuff.
Word up. Say, wait a second...
Meanwhile, in a suburb of Damascus -
What, you're telling me this is a terrorist training camp? You're joking. You think we'd actually hit something that might be useful, rather than just showing off?
It make more sense for you to keep on shoot children who threw pebble at you.
Whilst in Haifa -
What, this is an Arab/Jewish restaurant? Aw, I thought I was blowing up the Lib Dems conference in Brighton. I've got shit for brains, me!
That would explain why your brains are all over the toilets, then.

 

Famous goalkeeper and playwright Karol Joseph Wojtyla, and a young boy in tight trousers -
Hullo, laddy. Welcome to the Vatican. Now then - what is it you've not to do, eh?
Fuck folk whilst wearing a condom, Your Holiness. You know you can catch HIV / AIDS if you have sex with a condom on.
Good boy. Not only is that morally correct, it's also an easily recognisable scientific fact, actual quote, etc. What are you going to do instead?
Not fuck folk at all, papa. Clearly, abstinence is the only safe and healthy way for humans to live and reproduce.
Very good. Now pull down your pants and fondle my goolies. You'll have to excuse the shaking - I'm a very sick man whose time has very much come and gone.
Wow, and they gave the Nobel Peace Prize to that Iranian slut over you?!?

 

At home with the Duncan Smiths -
Good evening, wife. You know, they say a week's a long time in politics. But I'm not interested in who said what to whom or when. What's for dinner?
Er. Lamb bhuna with aloo sag.
Ah, I applaud your efforts to reach out to ethnic minorities. However, I must take you to task for all this slacking off you've been doing in my office. Thou single mother state scrounger type, thou.
Your breathtaking mixture of nepotism, chauvinism and low self-confidence can only be described as Iainian.
Well, we'll say no more about it. What's actually important here is that, after dinner, I fully intend to fuck you, at bedtime, which I confidently predict will be at half past midnight.
You're living in cloud cuckoo land. The complete failure of your cock to incline makes even your lacklustre rise in the polls look impressive. Do you still expect to be my husband by Christmas?

 

US troops in the Sunni triangle -
Looks like dem Beltway boorocrats decreed us some r'n'r bout hunderd klicks down in Koowait City. Let's go fishin'!
Woooop-woooop-woooop-wooop-wooop-woooop-woop-woop!
UK forces in Basra -
What what what what what's this, Jenkins, eh? Got your arm blown off in that minefield, have we? Well, I imagine it'll need medical attention, but not before you've warmed my toilet seat. Carry on.
Very good, Colonel.
And, of course, the Poles...
Vot this, you vaant to get into your house, down ze street, eh? I spit on your house! You think ve Slavs know fuck nothing about how to gets things done - I tell you, ve know fuck all!
Mehmet just wanting go online, read silly cartoon about Micheal Howard...

 

My grandad died in Auschwitz.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Yeah. He fell off the watchtower. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I hope that when you become leader of the Conservative Party, the press don't get hold of this and all your other strips.
Whatcha gonna do, get SinatraFonzarelli2 round to shoot me, eh? Eh?

 

At Buckingham Palace, HMQEII entertains POTUS G. W. Bush II -
You must be the first Republican I've met who doesn't want to cut my head off.
Oh, I'm not really the President - I'm a Daily Mirror reporter come to nosey around in your lingerie drawer.
Across town at City Hall, London Mayor, likely Labour candidate and notorious ornicidist Ken Livingstone -
I actually think that Bush is the greatest threat to life on this planet that we've most probably ever seen. And you can actual quote me on that.
Whilst in Trafalgar Square, a lone pigeon raises a lone voice...
...I beg to differ!

 

So there I was, O my brothers, your little droogy Rabadash, wasting my pretty on the old moloko plus in this like real cal mesto. I did viddy with my glazzies a bezoomny devotchka with great groodies.
I did itty to govoreet with her, and maybe a bit of the old in out in out, but this starry malenky malchick of hers did tolchock me in the gulliver. Lucky I had my britva, which I rammed to his gorlo.
And the old krovvy flowed from his litso, and O how I did smeck at that. And with each tolchock at his yarbles I did hear the jeezny slovos of the glorious 9th of old Ludwig van. I was cured alright.
Aye, horrorshow.

 

Me as an young boy -
Whit dae ye waant fer Christmas, son?
A massive statue of myself, atop the highest pillar in the land.
Me in the present day -
Who'd you reckon they should have on the empty plinth in Trafalgar Square? Nelson Mandela?
No. Me.
Me on my deathbed -
How shall we spend your fortune, father? How do you wish to be remembered?
Build great statues of me, peering towards the horizon, with a book in one hand and a sword in the other, and build them tall in every square in every city in Europe and throughout the world.

 

Hou, Nemo! Wherr the fuck ur yi?
Ah'm ouer here ya big dobber!

 

Whit the fuck diyi waant, shur?
Ehhh... aye, Ah'll hae wan ae yer fuckin' fish fillets byraway.
Aw fuck.
Aye, nice bit ae fuckin' fish fillet, that.
Much, much later...
Ehr, at'll teach yi 'ae fuckin' eat mah fuckin' son. Yi goat whit wiz comin' ae yi ya fuckin' cunnh'.

 

Our story begins in an old Soviet counter-broadcasting station in Siberia, where two musicians have taken jobs monitoring and intercepting Western radio signals.
Hey man. What you guys up to?
Oh, just jamming.

 

I'm doing a course in Probability.
Reckon you'll pass?
Probably not.

 

I also borrow jokes from Private Eye.
Nicky/Rabadash/Arran - mate - you're living in a fantasy world.
What did you say?

 

Me and Saddam - you might wanna turn on Arabic encryption (Windows) btw -
Well, this is a sorry end to your career. Found in a hole in ad-Dawr, the place of your birth, cowering like you might have done in the days when your stepfather would beat and humiliate you.
Seeing you bedraggled and bewildered like that, one almost feels sorry for you. But then I think of all the money and support you've given George Galloway over the years, and it makes my blood boil.
You know, you could be a bit more cooperative. That way they might not cut your head off and stuff.
ÊÐåÈ ÇáäøÙÑÉ, ÝÞØ Òãíá, ÃáíÓ ßÐáß ÃäÊ

 

Saddam, quizzed and quizzing -
What are you... an assassin? An errand boy?
I'm a... er... well I thought this might look good on my CV.
Er HUM. 'We are the hollow men, we are the stuffed men. Leaning together, headpiece filled with straw. Alas!'
Huh huh, yeah you must have had a head filled with straw to have invaded Kuwait before you'd finished your nukes.
By the beard of the prophet, you're getting on my tits even worse than that Jesus-praiser Tariq Aziz used to.
Here, see when you were, like, the President, did you get to like shag Miss Iraq and stuff? Coooool...

 

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; or close the wall up with our English dead. In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility...
But when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger: stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage...
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect; let it pry through the portage of the head like the brass cannon: let the brow o'erwhelm it as fearfully as doth a galled rock o'erhang and jutty his confounded...
Warmongering bastard! What have the French ever done to us?!? You just want to get your greedy hands on their throne, you racist tennis playing fuck! Plantagenet Plantagenet Plantagenet, out out out!

 

Gordie wants his hands on Tony's job - Nick just wants his hands on lots more knob!
Michty me... I'm in a tight spot, Brown Dick. I want to show Tone who's boss, but I don't want to bring him doon just yet with this university funding vote.
Ne'er mind aboot that the noo, Gordie. Can we no go up Clapham Common and find some wee boys? PLEEEEASE...
'Westminster's happy family that makes every family miserable'
Hmmmm... this gies me a plan. Tell ye whit, we can go up that Common if you call off your rebel backbenchers in the other Commons.
Braw, it's a deal! Jings, you're a real pal Gordie! Thanks a million!
Later...
Nggghhh... so, puff, turned out that Gordie strengthened his hand, and Tone got his bill through, nggggghhh, but only just, ooomph, and I got some wee boys up the Common. So a'body's happy! Aaaahh...
Me's only doing this to pay for me's variable top-up fees...

 

Here, do you reckon it's better to have sex with Ronnie Corbett or Ronnie Barker?
Definitely Ronnie Corbett. Think about it. For a start, he's smaller so he'd be tighter.
Yeah but surely Ronnie Barker would have better banter.
Perhaps, but he's also fatter so his dick would be smaller.
The implication being that having a big dick inside you is a good thing?
Ach, I hate not being on mushrooms.

 

So is it better to have sex with Ronnie Corbett or Ronnie Barker?
You touch on one of the defining questions of our epoch - is it better to have sex with Ronnie Corbett or Ronnie Barker?

 

sorry bout last nite. dont wanna b nasty 2 u or make this hard it's just that i really need 2 sort out what im thinking. dont wanna start making any decisions while my heads in the clouds.
hope ur ok and things r going well 4 u.

 

Hi i dont think i can c u 2day. nothing i can say can make u understand how i feel + anything we do say will only upset us both more. i think we both need some tim
Space. please understand this isnt me avoiding u. i think this is 4 the best. let me no what u think x
Fuck man, I could seriously do with a day trip to Fallujah right now.

 

Nickbo if a were pick would u hold myhair back? Nicky u r a Bit wilm ! I denv think i will see u again bad i dont want to see pinky really.I prese u to jamie if that is any consolackin. But t think u
can see with ur weep why this is so. U have clevs of blue .good ate fore ever pricky gayse i think i might continete to sent u caustite txts though . U will of goshts on beg queer.
Terrogoat au peterou bye bye.netiqe me nor eilidh fancy u soz skill on
I think she might be The One!

 

Sir, bad news. Russia's invaded Georgia.
Aw heck.
We'd better warn Alabama and Tennessee!

Showing page 4.

« Previous