All comics by deathtoradio

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by deathtoradio
2-11-09
How Hitler sold Germany on the Holocaust.
Are you a jewish person with A.D.D. or A.D.H.D.?
Do you find it hard to concentrate on even the simplest of things?
Boy, do I have a place for you...

 

by deathtoradio
2-16-09
I got kicked out of a christan chat room for talking about sex.
That's nothing, I got kicked out of a hardcore raunchy sex chat room.
How'd you manage that?
I talked about religion.

 

by deathtoradio
2-16-09
I know what happens when you dial 911...so lets see what happens when you dial 912.
What the...
Ok, I'm here for whoever called me.
Uh...it wasn't me. My kids must be playing with the phone. Let me go get 'em for you.

 

by deathtoradio
2-21-09
What's with the saddle, pookie?
Well, remember when you said that you loved me?
I'm not wearing the saddle.
Whore!
Deviant!
Cum dumpster!

 

by deathtoradio
2-21-09
...and in conclusion, it's important in times like these to have faith. Up next, brother Michael will say a few words.
Go ahead brother.
Hi everyone! I'm George Michael and I have faith....
...in cock.

 

by deathtoradio
2-24-09
You know, pretty soon you won't be able to get a signal with those things.
Huh?
The signal. You won't be able to get the signal.
What the hell are you going on about, old man?
Those rabbit ears. Everything's going digital. You'll have to get one of those boxes.

 

by deathtoradio
2-24-09
Some guy tried to rape me last night. Even after I told him I had AIDS and herpes.
Oh my god.
He kept comin' at me. So then I was like "son, it's me, your momma, you can't rape your momma."
Did that stop him?
Nah. He said that sort of thing isn't frowned upon in Kentucky.
Oh, right. I forgot about that.

 

by deathtoradio
3-02-09
Can you believe some people give me crap for being wiccan?
Wiccan? That means you're a witch, right?
Yeah.
Ok. So if you guys fly on brooms, what do you do with vacum cleaners?
Well we don't...
That must be like a fighter jet to you guys. Vrooooooom!

 

by deathtoradio
3-06-09
Wanna try some of my Penis Brittle?
Don't you mean Peanut Brittle?
No.

 

by deathtoradio
3-10-09
What's up, nigga?
You know, if you didn't listen to hip hop, I'd swear you were racist.
Pssssh...I ain't racist. I've got a colored tv at home.

 

by deathtoradio
3-10-09
Hey Zombie. Get your ass over here. My calculator ate it, and I need help with some math.
...cause...you know...you're asian. Oh and bring your abacus!
Where's your abacus?
Fuck you round eye.

 

by deathtoradio
3-14-09
Man, I'm so sick of delivering pizza to black people. They never tip!
Yeah, you might want to keep that on the down and low. From now on, we're going to refer to black people as "Canadians."
And instead of calling it the "ghetto," we'll be calling it "Saskatchewan."
God damned "Canadians!"

 

by deathtoradio
3-17-09
There's some guy in the bathroom selling snickers bars for a penny!
What's the catch?
They are already unwrapped.
And they seem to have corn in them.
When did snickers start putting corn in their bars?

 

by deathtoradio
3-20-09
Well...we smoked most of the weed. Now what?
We could watch tv, play some video games....or
...or we could go fuck up Mrs. O'Leary's cow! Yeah! That things been giving me the evil eye all week. Like, just because it makes milk, it thinks it's better than us.
I don't know. It is bigger than us. Maybe we could just wait till it's sleeping, and then push it over.
After years of being violated by farmer O' Leary, the cow's finely tuned "spidey sense" alerted it to the presence of two invading stoners.
Moo?!!

 

by deathtoradio
3-22-09
Man, that was some great weed. How does your dealer get it to you so fast...and at the office no less?
The pizza delivery dude is my dealer. If you ask for "extra sausage," that's the secret code for "bring me some fucking weed, before I wake up and realize what a cluster fuck my life is."
Isn't that what they order in porno movies when the chick wants the delivery guy to come over and bone her?
Fuck! That's right, the code word is "anchovies."
...but that would explain why he had his cock poking through a hole in the pizza box.

 

by deathtoradio
3-29-09
On this edition of Man vs. Wild, we go into the heart of the urban jungle.
Uh, oh. Gotta watch out for these darker colored city dwellers. They usually arn't dangerous unless they are in a pack, or if they have a stinger(gun).
What, fool?
Juveniles, like this one, can usually be distracted with loose change, or chicken wings. Just toss some on the ground and watch them scramble for it.
Yo' momma!
If all else fails, simply find a body of water and wade in up to your neck. Don't worry, these little guys won't follow; they can't swim.
Gimme all yo money, bitch. Don't make me axe you again.

 

by deathtoradio
4-02-09
How's it feel to know that god hates you?
You're kidding, right? Look at this sweet tuxedo he gave me.
Yeah, but he gave you arms so small you can't even reach your own cock.
You're wife's mouth found it, okay.
Come again?
That's what she said.

 

by deathtoradio
4-05-09
Is that Pine-Sol I smell?
Uh...no.
Well, it sure as hell isn't Lemon Pledge.
What the fuck smells like Pine-Sol?????
We live in a fucking log cabin, moron.

 

by deathtoradio
4-06-09
...so then we decided to try slathering it in maple syrup and wouldn't you know it, it worked like a charm!
Sir, I'm sure you could have gotten the dog to lick it's own cock without the maple syrup. It's a dog, that's what they do.

 

by deathtoradio
4-23-09
How's that new business venture going?
Oh, you mean the gumball machines full of crack cocaine that I put on street corners in low income neighborhoods?
Yeah, that'd be the one.
Fuckin' great! That shit really is addictive. And you'd be surprised how many famous patrons I have, too.
Like who?
Flava Flav...Gary Busey...Richard Pryor's ghost.

 

by deathtoradio
4-23-09
Aren't you afraid kids are gonna get a hold of that shit?
Nah. I disguise the crack rocks as black jelly beans.
Nobody likes the black ones. No one.

 

by deathtoradio
5-01-09
Hey man. Whatcha eating?
An Elvis Krispy Kreme Special.
Yeah, what's that?
It's a bacon cheeseburger with banana...and instead of a bun, a Krispy Kreme donut on either side.
Jesus. Got some room for some pickles in there?
Pickles? Come on now, that would just be fucking ridiculous. It could stand to be deep fried, though.

 

by deathtoradio
5-08-09
Zombie and I got into an arguement the other day over which zombie films were better, the old, slow ones, or the new fast as hell ones.
Ah, the Dawn of the Dead vs. the remake arguement.
I likened the old ones to a sit-down restaurant with very slow, shitty service. He likened the new ones to fast food...fast as hell, but in the end, completely unsatisfying.
But who's scared of a zombie that has a maximum speed of 2 miles per hour? My grandma can do at least 5 if you tell her Murder She Wrote is on.
That's what I said! Then he bit me in the ass and things got weird.
I guess he likened your ass to a rack of lamb or something. Can I have your cubicle when you turn?

 

by deathtoradio
5-16-09
I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to tell you.
Fuck! It's cancer. Isn't it? Give it to me straight, Doc. I can take it.
You're pregnant.
Pregnant? But I'm a dude.
Have you come into contact with any toilet seats lately?
Only like every time I take a smash.

 

by deathtoradio
5-21-09
What's that?
It's the trail register. People sign it incase they get lost. They usually include the date, name, and a short commentary on the hike.
Anything juicy?
It's mostly your standard hallmark hippy bullshit. "What a wonderful day to be alive and hiking," or "This is the best trail ever!"
Boring.
Wait, here's a good entry: "5-20-09 I think my feet have sifilis. It burns when I walk. Fuck this trail. -Isaac"

 

by deathtoradio
6-14-09
Okay, kid. Are you ready for your first day as a construction worker?
Hell yeah. When do the Lego's get here?
The Lego's?
Yeah.
Why would we be waiting for Lego's to get here?
You know.

 

by deathtoradio
6-16-09
In 2005, the country of Angola had the highest infant mortality rate in the World with over 187 deaths per 1,000 births.
That's sad.
Yeah but it makes me feel better about sending billions of my little soldiers to their certain doom in a sock.
You use a sock?
Yeah. Why, what do you use?
Your coffee cup.

 

by deathtoradio
6-29-09
Ok, who will blow up building this time?
I blew up last building.
Rock, paper, scissors?
No no no. Let us draw fuses.
Short fuse loses?
Yes, short fuse ALWAYS loses. Boom!

 

by deathtoradio
7-09-09
Is that...
Yep. Even as a Zombie he craves the sweet flesh of little boys. Don't do it Michael!
Looks like he's got Macaulay on the ropes.
Stop! Michael, remember the Alamo! I mean Neverland!
mmm...brains....brains...sweet young brains...
Captain EO?

 

by deathtoradio
7-27-09
Where are all the virgins?
I blew up the infidels. Where are my virgins?
What's a virgin?
You dreamt you martyred yourself and there were no virgins? Keep your nightmares to yourself, Habeeb.

 

by deathtoradio
7-30-09
It's Friday night. To the bar we go!
I can't, man. My wife has plans for us.
Where does she keep your balls?
Down at the bank. In a safety deposit box.
I am so disappointed.
What? She lets me go see them on my birfffday.

 

Holy shiite! Look at the head scarf on that one, Habeeb.
by deathtoradio, 8-05-09

 

I can't make a Pineapple Upside Down cake to save my life. Which is ironic, 'cause I can make a Pineapple Rightside Up cake like nobody's business.
by deathtoradio, 8-18-09

 

by deathtoradio
9-03-09
How dare they say I look like too much of a pedophile to be the mall easter bunny!
I'll show them. I'll show them all.
I'll cut them into little itty-bitty---oh hey honey! Who's daddy's little girl? You are!
Bunny!
Very good, honey. Yes. Bunny. Future mall bunny. Now run along before I get the urge to touch you.
Daddy bunny.

 

by deathtoradio
9-05-09
My new phone's vibrate setting has some super hard vibrations. It's so good I found other uses for it. Go ahead, call me.
Call you? But we're talking face to...ooohhhhhh.
Hmmm. It isn't doing anything.
Maybe you wore it out.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Maybe if you bought it a drink first!

 

by deathtoradio
9-08-09
Zombie, we need to talk.
Something wrong?
Yeah. Look, we're missing an intern and i couldn't help but to notice the bag in the fridge with your name on it. You know, the one that takes up most of the fridge.
Yeah, so what? I'm brown-baggin' it today. What does that have to do with a missing intern?
Well, it's just that...whatever is in the bag responds to the name "Mike."
What's the problem? Can't a guy eat a fuckin' peanut-butter-and-mike sandwich without catching some shit?

 

by deathtoradio
9-12-09
Man, I hope I win that big Powerball jackpot. Bought like 5 tickets today.
What would you do with the money?
Buy my own tropical island and then put landmines all around it. Then I'd train some fucking dolphins to eat any of the sneaky fuckers who try to get on the island.
Dolphins? Why not just use sharks?
Come on man. Sharks are NOT team players. They kill, eat and fuck indiscriminately. They are the Chuck Norris of the sea.

 

by deathtoradio
9-12-09
I washed my paws five times today. They still smell like pussy.
Yesterday I licked the spot where my balls used to reside. I miss them.
Sometimes when he gets lonely, he lets me lick tuna juice off his cock.

 

by deathtoradio
9-18-09
Somewhere in New Mexico....
That's a pretty mean lookin' wild fire back there. I don't think water is going to cut it. We need to formulate a plan.
Maybe we could set a backfire. It'll burn up all the available fuel, thereby putting out both fires.
Nah. The wind ain't right for it.
How about we revoke it's greencard and deport it to Mexico.
You can do that with a wild fire?
Sure. We'll just claim it crossed the border under cover of night with Eric Estrada.

 

by deathtoradio
10-04-09
Fuck. Fuck to the fuckity-fuck. The moon eats my juice box. Don't ignore my sausage finger disco party. The pringles come from my dick hole, the unicorn pixel.
Your hamster tube subway makes my cherry pie sunday. Goo goo gajoob. I am the trashman. Give me some money.
And that's why we don't talk to the homeless, sweety.

 

Look, I know your all into the gay thing, Roy, but I just don't think I could find love in a mans hairy ass.
Have razor. Will shave.
by deathtoradio, 10-05-09

 

by deathtoradio
10-06-09
I think I'm going to change my name, honey. I'm sick of people mispronouncing it.
To what?
First name "That," last name "Motherfucker."
I ain't changing my name...Motherfucker.

 

by deathtoradio
10-06-09
Put down that hamburger. What, are you trying to get us all killed? Cows are detroying the earth with their cow farts.
Cow farts?
Yes! Every time they fart they produce greenhouse gases, which contribute to global warming.
Relax. This cow had to be killed for me to eat it. I'm saving the planet!
Oh, right. Have three more. Spread the word.
Saving the planet is delicious.

 

by deathtoradio
10-07-09
I'm going to kill you Ben.
Why?
Because I hate the number 99.
Just kidding. I just really hate black people.

 

by deathtoradio
10-07-09
Uuuuugh. My head is killing me. I feel like crap.
Hangover, huh?
Yeah, probably the worst of my life.
I have a two step cure. Step 1: you suck my dick.
Wtf? What's the second step?
Hold on. I'm trying to think of something creative enough to justify the first step.

 

by deathtoradio
10-08-09
...and the oil that was only supposed to last for one day, lasted for 8 days. It was a miracle!
Uhhhhh. Isn't it more likely that the guy who bought the oil was just a dumbass, and he just bought more than he had initially thought?
No. It was a miracle.
You're a miracle if you believe that story.
Anti-semite.
I'm gonna go look that up. And as soon as I figure out what that means...I may or may not be angry.

 

by deathtoradio
10-08-09
I'll take "Films starring Chuck Norris," for $800, Alex.
Grandpa. Where did Alex Trebek's mustache go?
Why, it went to Florida, swee'pea. That's where all the mustache's go to die.

 

by deathtoradio
10-10-09
Marco.
Polo.
Marco.
Polo.
...Marco.
...Polo.

 

by deathtoradio
10-13-09
Hey, whatever happened to, Robbage, from high school?
He's been hitching around the country and stowing away on trains and shit.
Sounds like a real Jack Kerouac.
Yeah. Kinda sounds cool. I asked him if he had any tips for train hopping.
What'd he say?
If the train you're on rolls into a military base.............HIDE!

 

by deathtoradio
10-21-09
Oh my god, your costume is the best!
No your costume is the best!
Dude, WTF? I thought we agreed you weren't going to wear that.
You agreed I wouldn't wear this, I however just nodded my head and told you to go fuck yourself...in my mind.
The punch is alcohol free! Who does that? This party blows.
Yep. I will list this as a grievance next Festivus.

Showing page 4.

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