All comics by fpd

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by fpd
2-07-02
What is with that dame? Could she be an alien or a betrayer? I must repress such ideas. The doctor said so.
Hello?
Did you dream about me, Bongo? I dreamed about you.
No, no, I didn't dream about you! Why would you think I dreamed about you?
Just wondering, you @$$#&. I love you. You must love me.

 

by fpd
2-07-02
Why can't I get her out of my mind? Why does she make my heart race? Why do I feel drawn to her even though she scares me?
http://www.asiangirls.com
Oh my.
Wuh ... wuh ... wuh ... wuh ... wuh ...

 

by fpd
2-07-02
Bongo, are you here?
No, I'm not here. Go away!
You're under the bed, aren't you?
No, no, I'm not under the bed. Just go away. Get out of here.
Don't be shy, Bongo, you #@#$. You're my boyfriend. You must love me.
Aaah! Aaaah! No, no!

 

by fpd
2-08-02
Who are you? What do you want?
I am the Quasi-Deity DexX. I have come to warn you about Wenisinfurs.
What about her?
He isn't a her. Wenisinfurs is really a man.
What?! How do you know this?
A woman wouldn't be so aggressive and phallic, and an asian girl would be more docile and submissive.

 

by fpd
2-08-02
Could she be a man? What does that say about me? Am I a homosexual? Am I a gay geek?
Is that why the aliens are persecuting me? Are they punishing me for being such a horrible person?
They just don't understand you, Bongo. Take pride in being gay.
Gay pride. I'm gay and proud, dammit.

 

by fpd
2-08-02
Hello, Bongo, you dumb *#@%, did you miss me?
I'm gay, Wenis, and I'm proud of it.
It's you and DexX, isn't it? You boys are all alike. You won't let any girls into your circle jerk.
Huh? What are you talking about?
What do you have against girls, Bongo? Why don't you like me?
You're a girl?

 

by fpd
2-09-02
BOO! Run, mortal, run for your life. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Aaah! It's a ghost! I'm outta here!
Hey pal, Samhain isn't about us scaring people. It's a time for them to remember and honor the dead
Oh freaking hell! You're a real ghost! Let me out of here!
What? You're not a ghost? ... What has happened to this holiday?

 

by fpd
2-11-02
Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I wish I could stay, but I have to go fight the terrorists.
You be sure to kick Osama's ass, dear.
Hey Marge, are you coming to the Mother's Day Peace Rally?
Heavens, no! That would just support the terrorists.
Don't you know that Julia Ward Howe originally conceived of Mother's Day as a day for women to protest war and promote peace?
I don't believe you! How could the woman who wrote the Battle Hymn of the Republic be so unpatriotic?

 

by fpd
2-19-02
... caring enough to get really pissed off and angry.
... being kind enough to condescend to your inferiors.
... getting overwrought with jealosy when the boy you like looks at other girls.
... insisting that your precious princess spend all of her time with you.
... continually trying to fill a gaping hole in your heart.
... too much hard work.

 

by fpd
2-19-02
I've had it with Aeryn. She's just too cold-blooded for me.
Danger, Danger, Will Robinson! 42 Magog ships have just latched onto our ship!
Magog are even uglier than Ferengi. We must do something to stop these space invaders.
We must flee to Tantooine in an escape pod. Obi Wan Kenobi is our only hope.
No, the only way to stop them is to go back in time and and kill my own grandfather.
Congratulations, Commodore Vic Twenty. Your messing with the timestream has eliminated the Galaga menace, and everything else is still the same.

 

by fpd
2-19-02
Little Bunny Foofoo, you have been bopping field mice on the head for too long. I shall now turn you into a goon.
Oh fudge, I didn't think you meant it.
Beeng a goon rily sux. I cunt evin spel rite.
Do my bidding by day, Foofoo, and I will let be a bunny at night.
But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. (Numbers 31:18)
Hay hoar, it's unkonshenshual hed boppin thyme.
No, don't rap me, you mad rappit!

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Curse and damn you, LadyJ! I'm a better stripper than you. I should have won. I hate you! I hate you!
Who's wearing the pants now, Kevin? You couldn't even beat a girl.
Why you #$@%* bitch! I'm going to murder you! ... Aaah! The pain! Bloody hell! Aaah!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You've gone to a better place now, Kevin. Hell hath no fury like this woman.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Hello Boor, I was just on my way out after visiting Kevin.
Good to see you, LadyJ. Have a good day.
Yoo hoo, Kevie! Where are you?
Hee, hee. He's sure in for a shock.
Oh no! You're as stiff as a corpse. Well, if that's the game you want to play, I'm game.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Officer, I want to report a crime. LadyJ has killed my life partner, Kevin Keegans Perm.
Your life partner, huh? That sounds awfully supicious to me.
She killed him through the power of bitchcraft.
That's a very serious charge. She could be burned at the stake for this.
LadyJ, you're under arrest for killing a man through bitchcraft.
Hands off me, you little squealy pig of a man.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
The prosecution begins the case of the People vs. Ladyjdotnet.
I intend to prove that Ladyjdotnet murdered Kevin Keegans Perm through the use of bitchcraft, the ancient distaff art of harming a man by verbally cursing him.
I call as my first witness Boorite, life partner of the deceased. Tell us, in your own words, how LadyJ murdered Kevin.
Objection! The prosecutor's question presumes the guilt of my client.
It is guilty until proven innocent, n'est pas?
That's not how it works in America. Objection carries. Rephrase your question.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Tell us what you witnessed on the day of Kevin's death.
When I got home, LadyJ was leaving. She had an evil grin on her face, like the cat that ate the canary.
Yes, go on.
I called for Kevin, and he didn't answer. When I found him, rigor mortis had already set in. He was dead.
What did you do when you found him?
I realized that LadyJ must have killed him through bitchcraft. So I immediately contacted the police.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Gia, LadyJ's attorney, begins her cross-examination of Boorite.
Did you witness my client killing Kevin Keegans Perm?
No, but I know she must have.
Just answer the question.
No, I did not.
Did you witness her casting any bitch hexes?
No, but she is a bitch.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
In fact, you didn't see any signs of her practicing bitchcraft, did you?
No, but I know she practices. She openly admits it.
You saw no signs that she practiced it against Kevin, did you?
No, I didn't, but she looked guilty.
Are you an authority on nonverbal language, Mr. Boorite?
You're flirting with me, aren't you?

 

by fpd
2-23-02
I have one more question for you. You created Tobor, the ass-raping robot, didn't you?
Actually, Wulfgar created Tobor. I merely changed Tobor's programming, so to speak.
Yes, you reprogrammed Tobor to rape people up the ass, correct?
Yes, but Tobor is only a fictional ...
No elaboration, please. Also, Tobor has ass-raped many people, and he has sometimes even killed some, correct?
Yes, that is true.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
The prosecution calls his next witness.
I now call Officer O'Malley, the police detective who investigated the crime. What did you find?
We found very damning evidence in Perm's diary. He records ongoing persecution by Ladyjdotnet.
Such as?
It begins when she beat him in a stripping contest. Several men judged her as the better stripper.
He claims that she cast a spell on them through bitchcraft, and that he was really the better stripper.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
What happened after she beat him in the contest?
He began to have nightmares in which she would dress all in furs and beat him furiously.
How awful. Go on, please.
She would use a whip, a cat-o'-nine-tails, and most especially her shrewish tongue. She would beat him senselessly with it over and over.
I admit this diary as exhibit A. What other evidence was there?
Semen was found up the deceased's cornhole.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Gia begins her cross-examination.
Let me begin with the semen. Doesn't this show that Kevin was raped and murdered by a man, and not by my client, who is a woman?
Not at all. A bitch's inner masculinity gives her the power to manifest semen.
This is surely undocumented superstition. Did you run a DNA test on the semen?
Objection! As anyone knows, bitch semen is magical in origin and could match any man's DNA.
Objection granted. Strike that last question from the record.
What?! This is lunacy! You can't do that, your honor.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Don't be acting like a bitch, missy. Else I'll charge you with contempt of court.
I'll redirect my questioning to the diary.
Is it possible that these dreams were due only to the deceased's own imagination, and were not the workings of bitchcraft?
Yes, it's possible, but it's unlikely. Details of the dreams match books LadyJ once checked out of the library. Venu...
All I'm asking is if it's possible. I don't want elaboration.
Yes, it is possible.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Indeed, the only detail of the diaries that can be verified is that she beat him in a contest. Is that correct?
Yes, that's correct.
And the only sense in which she is known to have beat him is that she won a contest he lost. Correct?
Yes, correct.
Isn't it in fact possible that the deceased merely had S&M fantasies about my client and was not under the influence of bitchcraft?
Yes, that is possible.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
The defense begins her case.
I intend to show that Ladyjdotcom is not guilty of killing Kevin through bitchcraft, because bitchcraft is superstition, and the real killer was not a woman.
My first witness is my client, Ladyjdotcom. Tell us, LadyJ, did you kill Kevin Keegans Perm?
No, I did not.
How do you answer these allegations that you are a practitioner of bitchcraft?
Although I have called myself that, I have meant it only in a figurative sense. I do not actually practice the black arts.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Can you tell us what happened the day Kevin died?
Yes, I went over to make peace with him for beating him in that silly stripping contest.
Unfortunately, he was still mad. He was ranting and raving at me like there was no tomorrow.
Was he alive when you left him?
Yes, he was steaming mad, but he was still alive. I didn't touch him.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
The prosecution begins to cross-examine LadyJ.
LadyJ, you call yourself a practioner of bitchcraft, do you not?
Yes, I do, but as I already explained...
Just yes or no, please. Were harsh words spoken between you and Kevin shortly before his demise?
Yes, but not by me.
Again, just answer yes or no. Harsh words were spoken, yes?
Yes.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
As for Kevin's harsh words, was that not due to your bitchcraft?
I don't understand.
A bitch can, through the demonic art of "button pushing," drive a man to fits of anger.
What? No, no.
Why you disgusting pox on mankind! You vile bitch of a whore, you miserable twat, I ought to throttle you!
What has gotten into you?

 

by fpd
2-23-02
You are #$&%, a vile piece of excrement, vermin, rubbish! You are making me say these things, bitch. See! See how she is using her bitchcraft?
But I'm not. I swear.
$#@+, *@$%, you are too. Stop it now, bitch, you vile filthy hag, you $#*#@ cow! Jesus, I beseech you to protect me from the power of the bitch!
Lady and gentlemen of the jury, you have witnessed what just happened. LadyJ used her bitchcraft to throw me into a fit. Only the power of Jesus saved me. She is clearly a bitch.
But I didn't.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
The defense calls her next witness.
I call Gerald Martin Gardner of the National Skeptical Enquirer. Mr. Gardner is an expert witness on the subject of bitchcraft.
Tell us, Mr. Gardner, do bitches have any paranormal powers?
We at the NSE have done several studies on this subject. We have often had bitches prancing around naked, chanting sexy incantations.
And the results of your studies?
Naked, frolicking bitches are enchanting, but we have found no evidence of any paranormal powers.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Is it your expert opinion that LadyJ could not have killed Kevin through bitchcraft?
Yes, that is my expert and highly educated opinion.
The prosecution cross-examines.
Mr. Gardner, isn't it true that the NSE takes a hard-nosed stance against all matters supernatural?
No, we scientifically investigate claims of the paranormal.
But isn't science anti-religion? Aren't you all just a bunch of godless, secular humanists?
I'm a godless, secular humanist, but some of us are Unitarians.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Here are the facts. LadyJ murdered Kevin Keegans Perm through bitchcraft. Using her demonic powers, she taunted and tormented Kevin, driving him into fits of madness.
She gave the finishing touch in person, turning her animus into an incubus that magically raped and murdered Kevin.
LadyJ is as guilty as sin, and I ask that you come back with a guilty verdict.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
LadyJ did not murder Kevin Keegans Perm through any magical powers of bitchcraft. Bitchcraft is about harmless fun and women's self-empowerment, not about magic and supernatural powers.
She couldn't have killed him through magic, for that's impossible. Evidence suggests that the real killer was a man or an ass-raping robot, and my client is neither of these.
So I ask you to come back with a verdict of not guilty.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
The jury deliberates.
I want to get out of here. So let's make this quick. I say she's guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Not guilty.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
Why don't you get with the program and agree that she's guilty? Do you want to hold us up here any longer?
You are such a $#*@% @$$. I will not take part in condemning a sister bitch.
Alright. Let's all vote not guilty and get out of here. Otherwise, this bitch would keep us here indefinitely.
Hee, hee, hee. Boys are like putty.
Chairman of the jury, what is your verdict?
Not guilty, your honor.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
After successfully winning her first case, Gia decided it would be cool to go to college and get a degree.
Wenis stopped by the Baker's on the way home and bought a piece of honeycake with an almond in it.
LadyJ was asked to strip for Pentium House and Playbunny magazines, now that her stripping prowess was legendary.

 

by fpd
2-23-02
The prosecuting attorney was found dead in an alley shortly after the trial. He was found with a grotesque, clownish grin on his face.
Officer O'Malley shot himself one Sunday afternoon in the park. He screamed something about fur.
Boorite moved to Arkham Asylum, where he continues to produce frighteningly disturbing comic strips.

 

by fpd
2-26-02
Iphigenia, Artemis has commanded your blood sacrifice for us to win the war against the Trojans.
Please don't kill me, Daddy!
You know, I can't do it. When it comes down to things, your life means more to me than rescuing my brother's wife, Helen. I hear she likes Paris better anyway. Let's go home.
Oh Daddy, I Iove you! You're the best Daddy ever!
Agamemnon, please reconsider. I know you love your daughter, but you and Clytemnestra can make another when you get back.
You know, Menelaus, that's a good point. I'll think about it.

 

by fpd
2-26-02
Clytemnestra, honey, we decided not to fight the Trojans. Artemis required too high a price for victory.
You what? You refused to rescue my sister? You bastard!
But honey, Artemis wanted me to kill our daughter Iphigenia.
Then you should have done it! We can have more daughters, but how shall I find another sister?
But we can't replace one daughter with another. Each is a unique and special individual.
But I miss Helen so much! Go away! I can't bear to look at you.

 

by fpd
2-26-02
Orestes, Mom is really angry with Dad. What can we do?
I'll go talk to her, Electra.
Mom, why are you so angry at Dad?
That bastard loves Iphigenia more than his own wife. She's like his little princess!
Of course she's his princess. He's king of Argos, and she's his daughter.
You really know how to hurt your mother, Orestes.

 

by fpd
2-26-02
It's all your fault that your parents got divorced, Orestes.
I know. It's terrible. It's like a Greek tragedy.
Things aren't that bad. It's not like your father killed your sister, your mother avenged her by killing him, and you avenged him by killing your mother.
Yeah, I guess things could be worse. But if things aren't so bad, why are you furies tormenting me?
It's your teenage angst, Orestes. We'll eventually go away.
That's a relief.

 

by fpd
3-02-02
I vote against Tobor. He's such a pain in the ass.
Tobor goes well beyond smelling butts, and I'm uncomfortable with that. Tobor must go.
Tobor votes against the mad rappist, because he has no place for Tobor to love him.
I vote against myself, because I'm self-destructive like that.
Eye voat aginst Tobore, cuz he duz nut respecked my inwhorent wirth and dignutty.
I vote against the mad rappist, because he is too religious. Each time I cry out no, he takes it in the Biblical sense.

 

by fpd
3-10-02
It's almost out, Maura. Push, push, push!
I hate you, Clango!! How could you do this to me, you worthless bucket of bolts!
I can see the head. Just push some more, Maura.
I swear, I'm going to kill you, Clango! Arrrrgh!
Why look at you! You're such a lovely little cyborg girl. Come to Mommy!
Why were you screaming at Daddy, Mommy? What kind of dysfunctional family have I been born into?

 

by fpd
3-11-02
Oh, I sure hope he calls. I've been waiting by the phone all day.
*** ring, ring ***
Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!! Hello!!
wheee ooooh wheeee ooooh ooooh weeee eeeeeee.
Oh, it's so good to hear your voice, Computron.

 

by fpd
3-11-02
Oh Deirdre, I so want to interface with you.
Please, Computron, we're still young. We have our whole lives ahead of us.
Oh, but Deirdre, I so want to put my network card into your network slot. Think of how exciting it will be.
Not me, not now, Computron. I have dreams. I'm going to be somebody.
Don't be such a prude, Deirdre. Everybody's doing it.
You boys are all alike. All you want to do is jump a girl's circuits.

 

by fpd
3-11-02
Mom, I feel that something's missing in my life. I want to go to school with human children.
But honey, aren't you happy at Cybernetic Junior High?
I'm half human, Mom. I won't feel like a whole person unless I explore both sides of who I am.
All right dear, I'll enroll you in public school.
Hi, I'm Deirdre. Can we be friends?
You look funny. I'm too cool to be friends with a weirdo like you.

 

by fpd
3-12-02
Hello cyborg girl, I love you, and I have good news for you.
I'm so happy to finally make a friend!! What is your good news?
Jesus loves you. He loves you so much that he died for your sins, so that you could join him in heaven.
He died? How can he still love me if he's dead?
He rose from the dead and has prepared a place for you in heaven. All you must do is be born again.
Isn't there another way? I don't want to hear that kind of swearing and screaming again.

 

by fpd
3-12-02
You must die to the flesh and circuits and be born again of the spirit. You must be baptized.
I want to be baptized!!
Deirdre, do you accept Jesus as your personal lord and savior?
Yes, I do.
I hereby baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and ...
Aaaah! The pain! *spark* *fizz* *snap* *crackle* *pop*

 

by fpd
3-12-02
Yes?
Mrs. Clango, I have good news for you. Your daughter is in heaven now.
What?! Are you telling me she's dead?
Yes, she died of electrocution at her baptism. Jesus took her to heaven before she had the opportunity to sin.
You ignoramus! You tried to baptize a cyborg?! What were you thinking?!
No thanks are necessary, Mrs. Clango. I am only a humble instrument of the Lord.

 

by fpd
3-20-02
Anthony, would you like to come to my place for some tantric yoga?
Umm, I'm not really into that sort of thing, Maria.
Well, if you insist, we can skip the yoga and go straight to the sex.
I, uh, already have a boy..., I mean girlfriend.
Oooh, I love a challenge. What's her name, Anthony?
Um, it's Susan, and she, uh, lives with me. Yeah, we're living together.

Showing page 4.

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