All comics by travisweird

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by travisweird
6-20-05
So will you help me then?
Last question... a snail with claws... good idea or no?
A snail with claws? Is this still part of the survey?
No, I just wanted a second opinion.
That sounds pretty dumb actually.
Jesus fucking Christ! Woops... you didn't hear me say that.

 

by travisweird
6-29-05
The Life Affirming Journey of Travis Garden has come to an abrupt end, because it was going absolutely nowhere. It was stupid and pointless, and I'm sorry.
I guess I just couldn't think of a single thing thats life affirming.
Travis has killed himself. But you can still follow the hilarious antics of Garfield and The Gang! at www.garfield.com !
AHAHAHAHA, HE HATES MONDAYS!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

by travisweird
8-22-05
Hey Janine... wanna' come to a party at my house this weekend?
Sure Ned, what kind of party?
A fucking kickass LAN Party, my new router can handle up to four networks at a time!
You know what Ned, I'll pass.
Meanwhile, in Ned's pants...
Oh God, Ned, I can't take this any more!
Abort Fail Retry Ned!

 

by travisweird
8-29-05
In the year 2012, Pixar will begin to run out of celebrity voices. Family audiences will be horrified when Pixar resorts to a cast including Andrew Dice Clay and Traci Lords...
I don't get it...
Honestly, ass reaming in a Disney film!?
and both John Heard and John Hurt.
Its a dog eat dog world out there. Dog eat dog, dog tortures dog, dog blows off dog's leg in the jungle, dog comes home and dog has no doggy friends or family left.
I am not an animal, I am a human being!
Similarly, around this time Hollywood begins to run out of superheros and old tv shows for movie ideas...
Hey kids, don't forget to wear protection!
Back in St. Olaf...

 

by travisweird
9-05-05
AHAHAHA! LOOK AT YOU!
NICE SCARF DIPSHIT!
It was then the penguin realized it was a "snow"man
I'm such an ass.
Why do I wear this scarf?

 

by travisweird
9-07-05
Sigh.
Come friend, discover the great times to be had in Detroit!
Its better than Pittsburgh!
ON YOUR KNEES NOW MOTHER FUCKER!
In Detroit theres excitement around every corner!
Hello officer, can you point us towards The Henry Ford Museum?!
Yeah take a right, go straight a few blocks, make a left at the first light, and go fuck yourself.

 

by travisweird
10-09-05
Kate, me and Giselle want to talk to you about your coke problem. Because we care about you!
Kate Moss then proceeded to snort everyone in the room.
Get off it bitch, coke is my favorite fucking food group! J'yoo fuckin cockaroaches!
So Kate Moss turns to her only remaining friend, Brittany Murphy.
Chanel cancelled my contract. I'm thinking of going with Folgers, they've got those great little mysterious crystals right in the coffee!
OH MY GOD!!! I HAVE THAT SAME BLUE DRESS!! BUT WINONA STOLE IT ON THE SET OF GIRL INTERRUPTED THAT PSYCHO BITCH!

 

by travisweird
10-13-05
You're an infidel!
Your wives are fat and liberated!
Fuck you!
No, fuck you!!!
I hope your 40 virgins are old and jewish!

 

by travisweird
11-02-05
We join Travis two months after his journey, now living in his own apartment...
Ugh. There better be something to eat in the fridge.
THERE ARE NO GROCERIES, ONLY ZHOUL!!!
With demons living in his fridge, Travis resorts to spending the night at his neighbors...
Who's touching my dick?
Could be a lot of people.

 

by travisweird
11-12-05
Candygram.
Its a trick, don't answer it.
Sir, theres a package here for you!
Hmm... what kind of package?
Can we live here for a month?
DAMMIT!

 

by travisweird
11-16-05
Ah shit, I really need a cigarette, but I only gots two dollars and fourteen cents.
Smoke me! A pack of Checkers only cost two dollars and fourteen cents!
Damn, these taste like cancer!
Thats because we use 100% pure Irving tar, from The Irving Tar Pits in Irving, Texas!
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking Checkers while drinking Tab may cause blindness.
Smoking Checkers is like playing checkers with death!
Momma always said... "Give a man a pack of checkers and he'll be back for more! Cuz yo' broke ass is addicted."

 

by travisweird
11-17-05
Yes, but what type of coffee?
Ah... Um.. I don't know... I guess... Um...
I'll have a mulatto.
So. What do you wanna' do?
Go to Denny's. Now get the hell away from me!

 

by travisweird
11-20-05
You are 57% gay.
Damn thing's broken!
You are 97% cowboy.
Uh-oh.
Well if you had to guess what percentage gay I am, what would you say?
Its not so bad, Dan. 57% means you might sneak a peak at your horse while its takin' a leak, but you sure ain't gonna' ride it upside down.

 

by travisweird
11-27-05
You're not Santa Claus!
Hush up bitch. I popped a cap in Santa's ass and now I gots to be Santa Claus. You want this lil' ho doll or not?
Honey, call the police!
Hey don't be hatin' on Santa Claus!
Let me get this straight, you brought the large sack with you... so you could leave things behind?
Yeah, and I'm leaving big piles of shit in your kids' stockings, mother fucker.

 

Fucking Ipods.
by travisweird, 11-27-05

 

by travisweird
11-30-05
Can you tell the difference between a Vietnam vet and a person who's worked at a call center for over six months?
All my friends are gone.
Every night, I hold a gun to my temple and think about what a horrible world we live in.
...PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME WORK ON THANKSGIVING!! I JUST WANT TO SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN!!
OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME, HE'S HAVING FLASHBACKS AGAIN!

 

by travisweird
11-30-05
Sirloin steak, cooked medium rare, with a side of garlic potatoes.
And he shall be redeemed who taketh the lord's word into his heart, amen.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE THE 1000th PERSON TO BE EXECUTED IN THE U.S. SINCE 1976! What do you think about that?
I think someone up there reallllly hates me.

 

by travisweird
12-02-05
Excuse me, last night I parked my car around here in front of my dad's house. Have you seen it?
Nope. Better go get a snow shovel.
Dad?
Son... Don't count on having any siblings in the future.

 

by travisweird
12-02-05
Hey fat man, did you leave my kid a pile of coal in his stockings?
LITTLE JOHNNY'S BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY THIS YEAR!
You better watch it or you're gonna' get something nasty left in your stockings, fat man.
YOU DON'T SCARE ME, I'M SANTA CLAUS!
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

 

by travisweird
12-19-05
Merry Christmas mam!
How dare you! You don't know me, I don't celebrate christmas and you shouldn't force your beliefs on people!
Thanks Black Pete!
Merry Christmas fat man.

 

by travisweird
12-21-05
Hello, is this Dr. Bogart?
No! Dr. Bogart obviously got a new cell phone number, please, will you people stop calling me!
Help me! I found this pink gelatous blob in the woods and I cant get my fist out of it and now its spreading!!
Listen gramps, I don't want to hear about you and your old lady's sex life!
AAAHHHHHH!!!
Okay you two, I'm gonna' hang up now...

 

by travisweird
12-30-05
She doesn't have much for looks or personality, but man you should see her... farm!
He's very loyal. He knows I can smell another girl's blood on him! Isn't that right my wiw' Fuzzy Wuzzy!
A lot of lonely people don't realize how wonderful a meeting place morgues can be!

 

by travisweird
1-13-06
We have finally done it! We have gone where no man has dared to dream! We have created A FLOURESCENT GREEN PIG!!
THEY SAID WE HAD TOO MUCH TIME ON OUR HANDS!! WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!?! US!! BWAHAHAHA!!!
Dr. Nguyen, I've been sent by your biggest financial contributor and I would like to see the progress you've made with our 150 million dollar grant.
WE MADE A GREEN PIG!
I used to be a big shot bioengineer. Then I wasted 300 million dollars making those square watermelons.
But thats fucking brilliant!!! Can you make my penis glow?

 

by travisweird
2-07-06
And coach Holmgren does not look happy about that last call! We'll be right back after these commercials.
Hey don't worry, I already took care of it, with staples.com! Ooh yeah, push it! Push it!
And we're back!

 

by travisweird
3-02-06
CBS Polls now show Bush's approval rating has reached a new record low, at 0.000000001% Lets go to our man in the field, Bob Hart.
I'm here in Birminham with Richard Goldberg, who says he thinks Bush has been a great president.
Well I'll tell you what, I don't care what this damn gay loving Bill Maher watching country thinks, Bush is our greatest president EVER.
Sir, are you aware you're standing in a giant pile of cow shit?
I also think Timothy Dalton was the best James Bond. Anyone with me on that one?

 

by travisweird
3-12-06
Clint Eastwood or John Wayne?
Hmmm. Clint Eastwood. No wait... yeah.
Yul Brenner or Eli Walach?
Are you kidding me? Yul Brenner!
Yeah. I'd like to see the saddle bags on that son of a bitch.
King me!

 

by travisweird
3-24-06
a man, wife, two kids and a dog walk into a talent agency...
We've got an act for you!
Alright, let's see it!
So the parents chop up their kids with an axe and feed them to the dog, which the father fucks in the ass while the mom pisses on both of them. The mom finishes by shoving the baby back up her vagina
Tada!
Wow, that was fucking nuts! What do you call that?
... The ARISTOCRATS!

 

by travisweird
3-26-06
Oh great, I got rear ended by a fucking Kraken monster. I bet you got all your illegal buddies stashed in the back!
That is so typical of a demigod, you've got to look down on the rest of us like you're so fucking high and mighty!
Honey, it's a medusa witch. Don't look at her! Don't look!
Come on baby, not all wiccans are like that.
When is your brother Perseus coming home? Find your brother Perseus!
I've got to go Mom, I'm fucking a centaur. That's right, you heard me!

 

by travisweird
4-01-06
Get off the fucking ball! Off! That's my ball! Did you work all day? Because I did, and now I want to relax on MY BALL!
Son, take off those fucking nipple clamps! I played football with you growing up so you'd grow up to be a man, not an S'n'M REM!
Dammit Mom, where are you going? You're in the garden again!
When I die this is where I want to be buried. Between the oregano and the cilantro. Your father loved cilantro. He was a closet homosexual.

 

by travisweird
4-15-06
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Hmmm!

 

by travisweird
4-23-06
Meow! Meooooooooow!
Hahaha Scabies, we all know you hate mondays! Or actually, today is sunday. Nevermind.
food... sleep... sleep... food... human... sleep...
Yeah... well. Go ahead and eat my lasagne while I'm not looking, because I'm gonna' go slit my fucking wrists you boring cat.
sleep... food? food... sleep. food.

 

by travisweird
5-13-06
Meow?
Hello, have you found Jesus?
*Skeeeeeeeeh!*
Meow?
Meows.

 

by travisweird
5-13-06
If Shane was straight, what sort of guy do you think she'd like?
Meow.
Statistically not me? Well you got knocked up you fucking slut.
You knew it was only a matter of time 'till I used that card!

 

by travisweird
5-13-06
Scabies, I cant afford cat food any more, so you have to learn how to hunt and kill your own food! Now go!
I feel so ashamed.
Today in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, three small children found dead in local playground, mysteriously missing their livers and giblets.
SCABIES YOU SICK FUCK!!!

 

by travisweird
5-13-06
I wanna' start wid a saying in Tennessee, and maybe in Texas, a rollin' stone... like a rolling stone gathers... no stone is without...
You give a moose a muffin... um... no that's not it...
3 minutes later...
And I'll be damned if Kate Moss isn't always stoned! Because Kate Moss hates FREEDOM. God bless America, good night.

 

by travisweird
5-17-06
Welcome to The Watchtower LIVE, where Jehova's Witnesses try to come in through your tv. I'm your host, Elder Jim.
I know I promised Jesus would be our first guest today but he couldn't make it, there was a booking mistake and our guy spelled wednesday wrong. Our bad. But we do have SNOOP DOGGY DOGG!
Now everyone's favorite part of the show... CONGRATULATIONS TOD MILLS OF SACREMENTO, CALIFORNIA, YOU'RE ONE OF THE 144,000 CHRISTIANS GOING TO HEAVEN!
Oh my God, thank you lord!
You should be in my new fizzilm, Jay. Its about a young pimp whose hos turn against him. The working title is Mutiny On The Booty.
...

 

by travisweird
6-28-06
It started when you were 14- You were just a child! You no longer were a drama queen...
They locked you in a box and kept you in a cage, But it wont be the same I wont recognize your face...
Just 14 you left me in the dark to die, And I cried... I.... criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied... (Falsetto) Criieeeeeeeyeeeyeeed!
That's called statuatory rape.

 

by travisweird
6-28-06
"Will you come away with me?" "I don't even know you."
Please? ...Please? ...Please? Please? ...Please? ...Please? ... ... ... Please? .... ... .... .... .... Please?
Hi, this is Travis Garden. The Brown Bunny kills over 1,000 movie nights every year. If a friend or a loved one has reccomended this movie, please, get something by Woody Allen instead.
"I died." "You died?" "I died." ".... You died??" "I died!" .... .... .... ....... ..... "But... you died?" "Yes... I died." "... I can't believe you're dead." "But I am." "You're dead?"

 

by travisweird
6-28-06
Cotton, you grew up in Mississippi on a freshwater crab farmery...
Yeppum. Ever mornin' round 5 me and mah 12 brothers and sisters would um goum down to dern river and pick crabs, but theyd alwaysn' pinch'n me, so they call me Lucky. Cuz it'sum ironic.
First thing I do when I made mah money is hire 12 white people to pickn' cook crabs for me all day long. Me'n' Short Willy Johnson watchem pick'em, but Short Willy is afraid of crabs for some reason.
Mah baby done left me, and I know where she be'n. Mah baby done left me, and I done know where she be'n...
...She done chose the lobster, and there ain't no fish left in the sea.

 

by travisweird
6-29-06
2:13 AM
Sorry sir, we stop selling beer between 2 and 6 am.
YOU SON OF A BITCH, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M JIM DANDY! WHERE WERE YOU IN 1905? FIGHTIN' FOR THE UNION? I DON'T THINK SO!
YA HIPPIE! YA HIPPIE FREAK! BUDHISM, MORE LIKE BOO-HOO-DISM!
Hello I'm the manager, is there a problem?
WHIP IT OUT, FAGGOT!

 

by travisweird
6-29-06
3:56 AM
Sir please step aside a moment so I can help the customer behind you.
The LIBERAL MEDIA is giving this GODDAM COUNTRY a GODDAM RASH ON IT'S ASS! LOVE IT or LEAVE IT ya COMMUNIST YUPPIE PRICKS!
Hello, fifteen bucks on pump 3.
I'd like to pump her full of unleaded! Oh shit, its one of them sneaky TRANSEXUALS ain't it!
Can I help you?
WHIP IT OUT, FA'OT!

 

by travisweird
6-29-06
4:45 AM
Why don't you go sleep behind the store until it's 6 o'clock.
SO YOU CAN GANG RAPE ME, YA DIRTY MEXICAN?
I'm calling the cops.
YOU SON OF A BITCH! TELL 'EM ABOUT HOW YOU TRIED TO RAPE ME!
Hello sir, have you already been serviced by someone?
OH... MY... CHRIST...

 

by travisweird
6-29-06
5:59 AM
In the car, let's go.
YOU SON OF A BITCH, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M JIM DANDY!
THE Jim Dandy?
WHIP IT OUT, FAGGOT!

 

by travisweird
7-01-06
Can I come in?
I don't know you, but... okay.
AAAHHHHH!!
Never Trust A Man In A Bunny Suit.

 

by travisweird
7-01-06
Today we have Jamalia and Jim Dandy. Jamalia, tell me some things about Jim Dandy that annoy you!
Well... he brags about fighting for the union a lot. He embarasses me in public, like when he asks men to..."whip it out," because he thinks they're gay. It really makes me wonder.
Now lets-
Oh, and he calls everyone a son of a bitch. It really angers my father.
Jim Dandy, tell me some things about Jamalia that really get on your nerves!
YOU SON OF A BITCH! AINT NOTHIN' WRONG WITH MY WOMAN! I TRAIN HER LIKE I'D TRAIN A PUPPY, WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND!

 

by travisweird
7-01-06
Jamalia, how did your date go with Ronnie?
Ronnie is a real gentleman. He didn't throw empty beer cans at me or anything.
We went to Dorsia and had the sea urchin, then we took a stroll on the beach and had some champaigne. It was definetely romantic.
But when Ronnie dropped me off, Jim had to embarass me. I cried all night.
UH-OH HONEY, LOOKS LIKE THEY SCREWED UP AND SENT YOU A FAGGOT! OH WELL, TOO BAD! HEY! WHIP IT OUT, FA'OT

 

by travisweird
7-01-06
Jim Dandy, how was your date with Fannie Mae?
FANFUCKINGTASTIC YA SON OF A BITCH! I TOOK HER TO MY FAVORITE WATERING HOLE, FAT DICK'S!
SHE CALLED EVERYONE IN THE BAR A FAGGOT! ITS LIKE SHE CAME STRAIGHT OUT OF MY DREAMS.
HEY! BARTENDER! WHIP IT OUT YA COCKSUCKER!
DAMN, WOMAN!
THEN SHE FOUGHT A WILD ELEPHANT! NOW THATS AN ALL AMERICAN WOMAN LEMME TELL YA!
WHERE WERE YOU IN 1986? SMOKING CRACK WITH THE BANGLES? I DIDN'T THINK SO!

 

by travisweird
7-01-06
So, now comes the big question! Jamalia, would you like to stay with Jim Dandy or have you had a "change of heart?"
Well... Ronnie was really nice... but he wasn't a real man. I mean... he's never fought for the union. So I'm going to stick with my sweet Jimmy.
Wow. Jim Dandy, are you going to stay with Jamalia or have you had a "change of heart?"
I WANNA BONE THAT DAMN HOOCHIE IN THE FOURTH ROW!
THAT MAN IS MINE! I SPRAYED MY STANK ALL OVER HIM!

 

by travisweird
7-12-06
The string theory is a unification theory which suggests that everything in the universe can be broken down past atoms into wavering bands of energy.
But recently, scientists have proposed that the natural chaos inherent in the universe is a result of those waves of energy being made up of even tinier Jim Dandy's!
YOU SON OF A BITCH, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M JIM DANDY!
YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M JIM DANDY!!!
Notice how the negative Jim Dandy's repel one another!
goddam faggot...
goddam faggot...

 

by travisweird
7-12-06
Wow. My 200th comic. I've come a long way since my first comic about an old man fantasizing about a goat. And I used to use boorite as a representation of myself, now I use Kaddar.
It really doesn't matter whose image I have to steal, the point is, I don't pay a damn cent for these comics and never will.
For those of you who want to read some of my funnier comics from the past couple years, I might reccomend "Gastropoda Badassamus", "The Office Romance of Ned and Janine", or "MMMCHECKERS!"
Actually they all kind of suck.
http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/jenneeeeeeeeeeee
True, so for a laugh I reccomend reading Jenne French's comics from 2005. She only made 8 comics and two people felt a need to rate her 1 out of 5 stars.
Jenne's comics were so bad they made me want to read Family Circus.

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