All comics by wirthling

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by wirthling
10-01-01
Hang on there, Big Red! You gotta be twenty-one to enter. Can I see your I.D.?
TOBOR NOT NEED I.D.!!! DOES NOT TOBOR LOOK AT LEAST TWENTY-ONE?
I don't see any rust on those hinges, pal! No I.D., no drinky!
RAAAR!!! UH, OK. TOBOR WILL PROVIDE IDENTIFICATION TO FLESHY SENTINEL!!!
This is the title for a 1978 Chevy Malibu. You don't look anything like a Chevy Malibu, bub.
VROOOOM!!! BEEP BEEP?

 

by wirthling
10-01-01
Hey, Tobor, I was wondering if you could help me study tonight for our physics exam.
YES!!! TOBOR WILL GET LUCKY TONIGHT!!!
I was hoping you could help me bone up on hydraulics. If you're up for it, we can make it an all-night cram session!
RAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAARRR!!! GACK!
Tobor! Are you OK?!
fatal exception 0E at 013F:0000663D

 

by wirthling
10-02-01
Aw, jeez, that's horrible! The SPCA is going to be on our ass about that! I'm beginning to question the wisdom of the chicken crossing the road thing.
What?! That's blasphemy! The Crossing of the Road is one of our most sacred rituals!
I have not lost faith, brother. It's just that I'm not sure what the purpose of some of these rituals is.
Ours is not to question the righteousness of His Cornholiness Saint Gabe! His is the only true interpretation of the Book of Brad!
I suppose I still have a lot to learn about the Church of the Stripcreator Cliché.
All your base to that, brother. All your base.

 

by wirthling
10-02-01
22 HENTAI~~-~~-~~-~~-~~
~~-~E PLURIBUS ARMA PORNUM~-~~
~~-~~-~~-~~-~~22 HENTAI

 

by wirthling
10-02-01
ONE DULLARD~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Damn the budget, full speed ahead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ONE DULLARD

 

by wirthling
10-03-01
This is a demonstrative pronoun.
What is a demonstrative pronoun?
No, what is an interrogative pronoun.
I don't know. You tell me. What is it?
It is a personal pronoun.
Where's my hammer?

 

by wirthling
10-05-01
What in Xortran's spiny tongue is going on here? This isn't Phallus Prime!
Maura, why are we stopped here at a Mrs. Fields Cookie Store rather than en route to Phallus Prime as I ordered?!
I don't know. We also made unscheduled stops at Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts. I'd check with that Crabbyzoid engineer of yours.
What have you done to my ship this time, Volgor?!
You don't like the new and improved impulse engines?

 

by wirthling
10-09-01
Why'd you do do that?
To show my patriotism.

 

by wirthling
10-09-01
Hey, Brad. I bet you're wondering why I'm standing here in your laundry room with no pants on.
The thought crossed my mind. What's going on?
Earlier...
Say, Jessica, you're all into that body modification thing -- have you thought about getting a boob job?
And then she asked him if he'd ever been fed his own balls. He carpet-bombed his pants and fled. That's why he's in our house with no pants on.
OK, fair enough. Now can you tell me why he's wearing my high-heeled shoes?

 

by wirthling
10-12-01
I've been abducted by aliens! Cool! Where are we going? Are you going to probe me? Can we make some crop circles? What's this button do?
DO NOT TOUCH THAT BU-- too late! Better grab onto something, stupid humanoid! You just activated the Hork Drive!
Round and round the Hork Drive goes, where it stops, nobody knows!...Uh, release my mating appendage at once or I will be forced to toast you!
Must hold on to you...ship is spinning too fast...haven't been this nauseous since...wirthling beat LadyJ with that...crappy ass comic!
pPPHhhhzzZAT!
Whoa! You almost hit me with that thing! I think you fried the ship, buddy!
*sigh* Um, could you please let go of my mating appendage now?

 

by wirthling
10-16-01
At habnem's underground compound in Las Vegas...
Oh my god! You didn't open that letter from Afwirthistan, did you?!
Actually, the boys opened it. There's no anthrax in it but it does contain Ayn Rand...
You mean that our actions are not motivated by a concern for the group but rather for our own self-interests?
Yes, she says that there is no such thing as an altruistic action. Any behavior that appears altruistic is ultimately based on selfish motivations.
I think it means that we should identify those actions which maximize our own self-benefit and pursue them. We need to reject collectivism and embrace individualism!
So, what are we getting out of working for this turdnibbler? We bust our asses making funny for gruel and an occasional reach-around?! I quit!

 

by wirthling
10-16-01
Don't leave me this way! There ain't no mountain high enough to keep us apart!
This just isn't going to work out, Jon. Face it--you're gay!
Hey, just because I like the night life and like to hang out at the YMCA doesn't mean that I'm gay!
OK, here's a test--what do the following 3 words mean to you: "I will survive"
o|` I will survive / as long as i know how to love / I know I will stay alive / I've got all my life to live / I've got all my love to give / and I'll survive... o|`
Thought so...

 

by wirthling
10-19-01
Small-town America ain't what it used to be...
Welcome to Wayne's Bestiality Barn! Pa's not here right now, but I can help you. We got moocows, donkeys, and sheep, oh my! We guarantee you a farmerotic® good time!
By Christ's cockring I condemn thee!

 

by wirthling
10-21-01
What?! Why are you looking at me like that?!

 

by wirthling
10-23-01

 

by wirthling
11-01-01
...and so I asked her who, uh who she would, um--what the hell is that?!
What the hell is what?
That clown in the 3rd panel? He isn't supposed to be in this comic! This is a black-and-whites-only gig!
Ah, it would appear wirthling is in one of his moods...
Bite me, Obijo!

 

by wirthling
11-15-01
Stop, earthling! I need a humanoid tissue sample to take back to Xolthon Prime.
Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the Ginger-Assed Poofbag Man! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Run? No thanks.
BzzZzZZZaaaT
Run run, um, ha ha can't catch fast, uh, me I'm fast, I'm, uh, ha ha, eh, ginger ha ha bag ha heh ow...

 

by wirthling
11-16-01
Somebody done ate my porridge!
And somebody done sat in my chair!
And some bitch-ass cracka be tryin' to sneak out my winda!
Maybe breaking in here wasn't such a hot idea...

 

by wirthling
11-16-01
Little Miss Sara sat on her chair-a, eating her curds and whey...
What IS this shit?!
...when her spouse, the spoogobbler, said:
I got 2 advance tix to Harry Potter!!!
...and she replied:
My god! Could you be any more gay?!
Oh crap! She's on to me!

 

by wirthling
11-27-01
RAAARRR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
BRRRRR!!! FROSTY WILL ICEFUCK YOUR SKULL!!!
Nice hat.
Thanks.

 

by wirthling
11-27-01
Happy Birthday, Jesus! I brought you a gift!
You can stick that "Happy Birthday" and that gift where the sun don't shine, snowbitch!
What kind of gratitude is that? Maybe I'll just keep the sweater!
Yeah, yippee hooray for me. YOU try being nailed to a cross all day on YOUR birthday and see how YOU like it, ya bastard! Keep the damn sweater!
Damn me and my temper! I should have accepted the sweater. I could cut glass with my nipples right now...

 

by wirthling
11-27-01
I know why your nose is so red and why you get to be the lead reindeer. I saw you with the boss.
Oh, that? I was just, uh, you know, heh heh, I was, I mean, we were---
Cut the crap. Jig's up, Rudy. I'm going to go tell everybody!
heh
Santa! Blitzen is on to us! What should we do?!
Hmmm...Ya know, some venison might be nice for dinner...

 

by wirthling
11-27-01
I would rather die a thousand deaths than spend another moment without you, my dearest Amber! Curse ye, Fate!
The pain is more than I can bear, as well, my love!
To hell with it! I must have you now!
Take me, Milo! Take me now!

 

by wirthling
11-28-01
Could someone with a free hand come help out Mrs. Claus with a foot rub?
Sorry...
No can do...
Wish I could help...
Maybe next time...
*sigh*

 

by wirthling
12-04-01
One day in the quantum flux...
And so I says, "All we are is dust in the wind!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by wirthling
12-04-01
One day at Stripcreator...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Gabe is a holejacker!

 

by wirthling
12-07-01
So I says, "That uranium-235 ain't gonna emit neutrons by itself!"
Ha ha!
Uh oh!
Moh!

 

by wirthling
12-07-01
Stop there, young man! What are you doing?!
Uh, I was about to go in here and steal some stuff from Bob.
Through the front door?! No, no, no. Sneak in through the back door, hit Bob over the head with a bat, and tie him up first.
Mark 3:27 "In fact, no one can enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man. Then he can rob his house."
Thanks, dude! Good idea! You've made a believer outta me!
Word.

 

by wirthling
12-07-01
Well, Billy?
I just thought the class should know that you teachers are all lying to us. Evolution is a myth and there is no proof to support it. Scientists ignore the truth.
The evidence supports the Bible's account of the Flood, and there is proof that man and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time. Darwin was wrong and you know it!
That's an, um, interesting theory, Billy, but this is a Home Economics class. Did you do the sewing assignment or not?
No.

 

by wirthling
12-10-01
How can I help you, Mr. Johnson?
Well, my box of Sara Lee Herring Pie came with a gift certificate for a free office visit, so I thought I'd see you about my, uh, chronic nocturnal problem.
I recommend that we amputate your skinflute.
Amputate?! Hell, no! There must be something else that can be done! Can't you prescribe something?
I'm sorry, but if you read the gift certificate's fine print, you'll see that it only covers amputations, Band-Aids, earmuffs, and lollipops. Need some earmuffs?
This sucks, but it's still better than my old HMO!

 

by wirthling
12-12-01
I should've never had that second helping of Baked New Jersey. What's in that stuff, anyway?
Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have substituted Pop Rocks and Coke for almonds and ice cream in this recipe...
Then again, that thing about Pop Rocks and Coke and blowing up is just an urban legend, right?
Oh well. Who wants coffee? It's my own special blend!

 

by wirthling
12-17-01
Junky, a man, with a pesticide can, spilled the dust, in a gust, and it whirled through his brainpan.
I feel rather odd, and my thumb smells like God!
And his sphincter arose, like a waking rose, and whispered a jig, like Christ in the pokey, you dig.
Let go the jelly, twixt your colon and belly, and let's teach our asshole to sing!
But it only barks thunder, and tears ass asunder, and it can't be taught nary a thing!
And the Interzone faded, the demons quite sated, and Junky, a man, with a pesticide can, contemplated.
As soon as I can, I must try that again!

 

by wirthling
12-25-01
There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this, officer........ heh heh.......
Uh huh.
Well?
You're on Candid Camera!
Good one, but I'm still gonna rape you with my nightstick, pretty boy...

 

by wirthling
12-25-01
Thank goodness Christmas is over and we can return to our regular jobs.
Yeah, I can't wait to get out of this costume and back into my civvies.
Me, too. This makeup itches. So, meet you down on the corner in 2 hours?
I'll be there.
Ho ho fuckin' ho! Who be needin' a date, yo?
Sucky sucky five dolla!

 

by wirthling
12-27-01
Give me a "K"!
Give me an "A"!
Give me a "U"!
Give me an "F"!
Give me a "MAN"!
Give me a bullet!

 

by wirthling
12-27-01
Don't you agree that this lubricious syzygy is plangent in its penultimate auspices?
Uh, what?!
I mean, don't you think this extemporaneous disquisition propitiates obstreperous malversation?
Excuse me?
Am I not being invidiously impecunious?
Maybe it wasn't such a hot idea to give you a "Word-a-Day" calendar for Christmas...

 

by wirthling
1-17-02
Is it 31,256,541?
Nope. Guess again.

 

by wirthling
1-22-02
Nice party, eh?
Grrrmph.
Lost your pants, too, eh?
These are shorts, damn it! SHORRRRTTS!!!

 

by wirthling
1-22-02
Honey, um, are you going to do the dishes tonight? You promised that you'd do them last night and the night before that and the night--well, you get the idea.
And are we going to have sex ever again? It's been months since the last time we made love. I can hardly remember what it's like.
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME, WIRTHLING?!
Shhhh! Can this wait? I'm trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "uvula" for a comic contest...

 

by wirthling
1-22-02
Well, while you were sitting here pissing the day away on Stripcreator, I went out and did some shopping.
It cost quite a bit, but I think the golden, sapphire-encrusted paper cup dispenser is going to look great in the master bathroom!
Unfortunately, to make the payments on it, you're going to have to get a second job.
Damn it! There's gotta be a word that rhymes with "uvula'!

 

by wirthling
1-22-02
OK, I'm serious now, wirthling! I'm tired of you taking me for granted!
I know you say you love me, but it's about time you PROVED YOUR LOVE!
Prove your love? Uvula. Prove-your-love. Uvula. That sorta rhymes! Thanks, honey!
Does this mean that you'll talk to me now?
Sure, right after I come up with a rhyme for "sphincter"...

 

by wirthling
1-23-02
And now, kids, watch as I pull a rabbit out of my ass!
Nnnggh! Rrrnnghh! Eeuurrff! Gunnh! UnggghhAAAHHH!
POOT!
Ta-da!
Gah! I'm reporting you to the union!

 

by wirthling
1-23-02
My parents must hate me.
Why?
They named me "Mortimer."
Could be worse.
How?
My parents named me "Sushi."

 

by wirthling
1-24-02
OK, I hope the agency sends over a real fairy godmother this time. Oooh! Here she comes!
Are you my new fairy godmother?
I ain't a fucking fairy, bitch. I'm a fucking wizard and don't you fucking forget it! Now, can we step this up? It's almost fucking happy hour.
Please, fairy--I mean, fucking wizard--I need you to make me beautiful for the big dance!
I think I'd need a dozen shots of fucking tequila to make you look beautiful, you fucking fat-headed freak show! I'm a fucking wizard, not a fucking miracle worker!

 

by wirthling
1-25-02
Troubled are you, Obi Wan, hmmmm?
Yes, Master Yoda. There's something wrong with Anakin. I don't know what's gotten into him lately.
Perhaps his mitichlorians we should see, yes, hmmm?
Yes. That's it! Let's put this sample of his blood under the microscope!
It looks like you're trying to use the dark side of the Force. Can I help?

 

by wirthling
1-25-02
So, wirthling, this is your 200th comic! Planning anything special?
Nope. There's nothing significant about the number "200." Numbers like that are only perceived as special due to our arbitrary base 10 numbering system.
Dork.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

 

by wirthling
1-28-02
To be, or not to be. That is the -- what the hell?! AARRGGHH!!!
NOT TO BE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

 

by wirthling
1-28-02
Mruuuuhhh!
Ulp! What's that?!
Grraaahhh!
Oh dear! I best run for my life! It's a horrifing, albeit very slow, killer zombie!
What other low-budget horrors will I find on this planet?!
RAARRR!!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!

 

by wirthling
1-28-02
Good afternoon, and thank you for calling Sony PS2 technical support! My name's Maura. How may I help you?
Yeah, I, uh, I kinda got my Playstation DualShock controller sorta, um, stuck in my, uh, butt and I can't get it out...
Hello?
Yeah, I'm here. "Accidentally sat on it" again, eh, Gabe?

 

by wirthling
1-29-02
Hi, yes, I'm having a problem with this computer whatsit. I tried pushing and tapping on the thingie and then I saw that thing with the blue boxes but it wouldn't let me say anything. Can you fix it?
Hi, mom.

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