All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
9-28-04
Is that him?
I think so. HEY, GODOT! OVER HERE!

 

by kaufman
9-29-04
The French countryside would not have bled, The peasants would have stayed quiet.
Marie Antoinette would have kept her head,
All I said was "Let them eat cake"
If not for the Atkins Diet.

 

by kaufman
9-29-04
A bunch of drivers who wanted to save on their car insurance didn't call Geico; instead they headed out and settled the land we know as Connecticut.
They established a capital and named it after their leader, Joe Hartford.
The rest of the state was named after the other drivers: Irma Bridgeport, Lou Waterbury, Alex Torrington, Sabrina Greenwich, Harold Willimantic, Jason Northgrosvenordale, ...

 

by kaufman
9-29-04
A bunch of pregnant women carrying Elvis impersonators colonized what we know as Mississippi, so that their babies could impersonate the King, right down to his state of birth.
They established a capital and named it after the first one to give birth, Lisa-Marie Jackson.
The rest of the state was named after the other mothers-to-be: Barbara Biloxi, Annie Tupelo, Martha Vicksburg, Janet Meridian, Holly Springs, Bella Westpoint, Lois Yazoocity, ...

 

by kaufman
9-30-04
Martha Stewart begins her prison sentence, but she has a plan.
Making a candelabra out of a smuggled pack of cigarettes and using a can of sterno from the cafeteria and origami-wadded toilet paper, she creates an icosaflamethrower and blows her way to freedom.
But Martha Stewart failed to consider that she was being incarcerated in West Virginia.
Artist's rendition of her cell after the escape
Stupid Producer, blowing the whole special effects budget on panel 2.

 

by kaufman
9-30-04
After walking for hours, the escaped Martha Stweart finally comes upon civilization.
o/`Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dum-doing...
Is that an out-of-tune banjo I hear?
Those strings are shot, but we can use them to hoist your instrument to the ceiling, where it will make a tasteful chandelier.
And then we'll attach this spittoon to it, and poke some holes into the fingerboard, so it will mist down the incoming saliva.
Cool. I always wanted a drooling banjo.

 

by kaufman
9-30-04
Attracted to a country home by a smell resembling home-baked bread, the escaped Martha Stewart dares to knock on the door.
Knock, knock.
I couldn't help but notice the smell coming from here of bread baking, with a squashy glaze. Is that some local bread? I must have the recipe.
You must be mistaken, miss. The only kind of bread we have here is in-bread!
But that tangy smell, I'd know it anywhere. Pumpkin!
Well, yes, I do it regularly, but I don' reckon you'd call the smell tangy.

 

by kaufman
9-30-04
Well, lookie what we have here. Ain't you got purty little lips?
Thank you, they're colored with lipstick pigmented from two parts beef gravy, one part potpourri, four parts goat blood, and one part Kool-Ade.
Well, little lady, I want you squeal like ... wait a minute, potpourri? Beef gravy? You're Martha Stewart, aren'tcha?
Well, uh, yes I am.
Then squeal like a papier mache porcine centerpiece, decorated with pink-dyed pencil shavings, and with the eyes made from bing cherries ...
I think I'm in love.

 

by kaufman
9-30-04
Finding that she had more in common with this place, Martha Stewart eschewed Westport in favor of West Virginia.
I ain't seen one of those before.
You're telling me. A three-story doghouse made from gravel and sunflower seeds.
No one ever suspected a thing.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It's a perfect miniature rendition of Mad King Ludwig's Neuschwanstein Castle!
Come on guys, we still need to look for our escapee, though I reckon she's already hightailed it back to Connecticut.
The end.

 

by kaufman
10-04-04
One of you will not be inaugurated on January 20, 2005. Should you lose the election, what do you plan to do?
Ever since I learned my dad was flammable, I knew I wanted to be a firefighter.
I want to wear a red hat, and ride on the truck and carry the hose.
I want to restore my ties with the Catholic Church. In fact my ambition is to become the first Pope in centuries from a country other than Italy.
Ha! You forgot Poland.
Not again.

 

by kaufman
10-04-04
We are experiencing zero job creation in this country, prices are going up, the economy is staggering, and worldwide oil demand is rising exponentially. What do you plan to do about it?
Uh ... wangs?
Look at that. My opponent has no idea. Why, the little lightbulb over his head is burnt out!
You don't even know how to change the bulb over your head, do you? This is the only place where you can find someone who can't change a lightbulb alone.
You forgot Poland.
Guess who just sewed up the Chicago vote.

 

by kaufman
10-04-04
Leaving possible nuclear weapons in the hands of madMEN, BAH! Disarm the rogue states. Get the nukes out of North Korea, and out of Iran.
Come to daddy!
Once again, when enumerating rogue states with nookyuler capabilities, my opponent forgot Poland.

 

by kaufman
10-05-04
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal ...
Excuse me, Thomas, ...
Boom-chucka-luggalugga-Boom-chucka-luggalugga ...
but you obviously haven't seen the size of my John Hancock.
Oh my god!

 

by kaufman
10-06-04
Let's see. My quetzalcoatlism is worth 37 points, but it goes over three triple word squares, so multiply by 27, plus 50 for the bingo, is 1049 points.
All right. Good word. Looks like you rack up a big seven points for ...
Your mom.

 

by kaufman
10-07-04
I think I felt a tremor beneath me.
It's just your imagination. You're too nervous. Relax!
Oh god, look at that puff of steam! I'm telling you, she's about to blow. I'm heading down.
Yeah, right. You go ahead. I'll stay up here a bit longer.
glorp, glorp, glorp.

 

by kaufman
10-07-04
BEETS! BEETS FOR SALE!
Careful, you're about to back into ...
me!
Hey, you got taters in my beets!
You got beets in my taters!

 

by kaufman
10-07-04
How much are they?
Right here, I'll take one.
TEETS! TEETS FOR SALE!
TEEEEEEEETS! TEETS!
Woohoo!
Hey, don't cut in line!

 

by kaufman
10-07-04
o/` When you wish upon a star, Makes
no difference who you are. o/`
Hurricane Charley, you just achieved Category 5. What are you going to do now?
I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!!!

 

by kaufman
10-11-04
The guy who killed Robert Kennedy wans to see me? He must have gone on quite a Bender! I'm just a small-time marsupial farmer.
I know, but that's what he said, miss. We think you'd better get down here.
I can sense the balance of the universe. And I know you've been thinking of terminating the pregnancies of some of your animals. Don't do it, or it's Doomsville for all of us.
Like, the universe will implode, or something?
Exactly, and one more thing. To ensure that the proper timeline unfolds, you and your family must NEVER watch a Matt Groening cartoon that takes place around the year 3000. Understand?
Ok, Sirhan Sirhan. Whatever wallabies will be. Futurama's not ours to see ...

 

by kaufman
10-13-04
It's duck season, so he's the target.
Glad to have a day off from duck season?
It's not that bad. Good bounty on my head, the doc reconstructs my face when I'm shot, the work's not dethpic...
Suddenly, the duck is drawing a blanc.
LOL ROTFL HTH WTF TLA PWNED!
I'm calling Porky Pig
My VCR reads flashing 12:00.

 

by kaufman
10-14-04
At the stripcreator forumusers' gathering
Guys, break it up! What do you think you're doing?
Isn't it obvious? Take a look at our cars.
What? I don't see why you two should be beating each other to a pulp.
He's got a decal of Calvin peeing on asiangirl2.
And Gabe's got one of him pissing on asiangirl1.

 

by kaufman
10-15-04
Uh, moo?

 

by kaufman
10-20-04
************************************************ HOME COMPUTERS & ACCESSORIES
It feels real? Whoa, I'll have to get myself a couple!
And I'm happy to say our computer sales are up 23% ever since we introduced the Titmouse.

 

by kaufman
10-21-04
Parking lot outside Fenway Park, shortly before 2004 World Series Game 1
Hey mister, while you watch the game, I'll hammer your car!
Come on man, it's real cheap, you can't go wrong. Just A BUCK A DENT!

 

by kaufman
10-21-04
We have deployed two hundred dogs into space to serve as an early warning system for alien attack. They have been given a designer stimulant that will keep them awake 24/7.
Grrrrrr...
zzzzzzzzzzz...
Space Collie, check. Orbital Beagle, check. Uh oh! 199 of the dogs are alert, sir, but it looks like the Sky Lab has crashed.

 

by kaufman
10-21-04
It's so tragic what happens to comic strip characters when they die. They don't even know they're dead.
Yeah, their ghosts walk the comic pages, just a shade of their original selves, barely able to force a laugh. But how can we tell which ones are still alive?
I don't know about anyone else, but we're in luck. The comics graveyard is just on the other side of town.
Oooooh, let's go!
Oh my goodness! Garfield's been dead 18 years. The Wizard of Id pushing up the daisies. Oh no! Here's the late Beetle ...
Whoa, this is so sad. Did you know all the Family Circus kids were slaughtered in a single afternoon?

 

by kaufman
10-27-04
I eat out of a bowl on the floor -- if I'm lucky it's ground chuck, and I get hitched to a short leash and told when and where to pee. You don't let me run out in the street by myself.
So thanks for everything, good buddy.
My pleasure.
I wish I had it so good.

 

by kaufman
10-27-04
The new PT Cruiser from Chrysler. Drive it, and you'll be the talk of the town.
Honorable ninja, I'm tired of being a wallflower. I want to have people talk about me. Give me one of them PT Cruisers.
Oh, I can get you a good deal. But would not be Honorable ninja if I didn't say that car looks straight out of 1949.
Good evening. Our top stories tonight: A record setting April blizzard. A dreadful ambush in Iraq.
Harold Johnson of 614 Golden Lane was spotted driving an unbelievably ugly car. And a landmark Supreme Court decision on abortion.

 

by kaufman
10-28-04
I can't take any Moria. Time for a break.
Thou shalt not pass out of this cavernous office. It is time for our Daily Meeting!
BEGONE, FOUL SPAWN OF SAM WALTON! I SHALL CAST YOU INTO THE FIREPIT OF YOUR ORIGIN!
So you dragged him back to Bentonville?
Naah, too far. So I just gave him the old slamma-jamma-down, and left him under some shelves in Garden Supplies.

 

by kaufman
10-28-04
You look rather pleased with yourself.
Actually, I am. I learned bridges through the temporal stream allow small objects -- like bullets -- to pass through time.
I'm going to send this bullet back and assassinate Warren Harding. Jodie Foster then won't be able to resist me. Adios, Warren G!
So ... did you get him? Did you kill Harding?
I'm afraid my aim was a little off. I got Kennedy instead.

 

by kaufman
11-03-04
Come on, Doc, give me the blood test. I'm sure I'm Canadian!

 

by kaufman
11-03-04
O great Oracle, I have been told that you know all, and can answer any question.
That is correct.
Than answer me this: What is the difference between George W. Bush and Ron Jeremy's son?
It is not so certain that in a few years, the Jeremy boy will be well hung.

 

by kaufman
11-04-04
LAST CHANCE SALOON
What is the correct punchline?
A: This tastes like goat piss!. B: Where's the robot? C: You'd think the goat would have seen it. D: Guinness. E: At these prices I'm not surprised.

 

by kaufman
11-04-04
Daddy, is it true that every time I masturbate, God kills a kitten?
Of course not, honey.
Milkman Dan is the one who kills a kitten every time you masturbate.
Or is that masticate? Which do you do more often?

 

by kaufman
11-04-04
But you can't put Luke Skywalker's hand at the end of Return of the Jedi, it would have withered and rotted away.
No way, man. They put it in cryogenic storage. It's perfectly preserved.
Are you kidding? Nobody ever mentioned preserving the hand. Nobody's gonna buy it.
On the contrary. They've got Paul Newman to play the part of the hand. People are gonna eat it up.
Speaking of eating it up, I'm going to have some eggs. It's going to take about 50 to wash this bad taste out of my mouth.

 

by kaufman
11-06-04
Where is my Egyptian assistant? He has a lot to do today, burning the donkey, putting together the display on summertime in France, and checking out the new Spielberg DVD.
Chief, why do you appear so unhappy at the sight of me?
Do you realize the moment you should be starting working?
A simple eight. Hassim, you're later, I'm simply lit. Ass immolate, assemble "Ete", and sample E.T. Assimilate?

 

by kaufman
11-10-04
Yassir?
That's me. Are you here to take me away?
Yes, sir.
I told you that's who I am. Now will you please tell me, have you come for me?
Yes, sir.
I told you twice that's who I am. Now will you please tell me ...

 

by kaufman
11-10-04
Jessie, I've got to take a leak. Will you work the Pearly Gates for me for a few minutes?
Sure thing, Petey.
Hello, and welcome to the afterlife. Please state your name and the country you lived in.
My name is Yassir Arafat. I lived in the West Bank.
Really? That must be so cool being surrounded by money all the time. Did you ever, like, sleep in the vault?

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
Welcome back to the Newlydead Game, the show where the dearly departed see how much they know about each other. Let's meet today's contestants.
Hello, I'm Marlon Brando.
I'm Christopher Reeve.
And lookee here, a new face. I guess Bob Keeshan finally got a bit too gamy. What's your name?
Yassir Arafat.

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
Question 1: What was Marge Schott's biggest regret in life?
That her Reds coulda been contenders.
I'm sorry Marlon, that is incorrect.
That she couldn't have realized her dream of seeing a race of Supermen built.
Correct, for 5 points!
That she didn't kill more Jews.
You're also correct. Let's give a big hand for our newcomer.

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
Question 2: How did Jan Berry describe the voice of singing partner Dean Torrence?
STELLLLLLAAAAR!
Correct, and Marlon Brando is on the board.
More powerful than a speading locomotive.
I'm sorry, that is not correct.
As annoying as the Zionist presence in Palestine.
Nope, and we now have a three-way tie for the lead.

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
Question 3: How did Ray Charles describe the challenge of being blind?
It was an obstacle he couldn't refuse.
It wasn't any real challenge. It was as easy as falling off a horse.
He felt oppressed like a people who have lived for generations in an occupied land.
I'm sorry, the correct answer is it helped him pick up younger women. Or was that the Tony Randall answer? We'd better go to a ommercial.

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
Question 4: This is an audio daily double. Listen to the voice.
Hello. This is Rodney Dangerfield. I don't get no respect. On my wedding night, my wife blank.
Tangoed in Paris. While I was in Cleveland.
Christopher?
Just lay there motionless.
Yassir?
Bulldozed my house.

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
So, you called me over to drink my potion and turn into Mr. Hyde on the occasion of your milestone comic?
Absolutely. You're one of my favorite literary characters. To see it in person would be TOO GRAND! I'm hoping that you/he will ...
Uh oh.
RAAAAARRR!!! oops.
It's okay, doc, don't worry about it. A lot of guys suffer from premature ejekyllation.

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
Brad, I think I've spotted a bug in the stripcreator code. When I write my 2000th comic, the registers will overflow, my comic count will reset to 0, and all my comics will be erased.
So? What's the problem here?

 

by kaufman
11-11-04
Jim Davis has written 2000 identical comics. I've written 2000 comics, almost all of them different from one another.
Of course that means I won the bet.
Here ya' go, Garfield. This is your new bed.

 

by kaufman
11-12-04
The bus is late again.
So by increasing capitalization in the third quarter, we can hope that this will result in ...
You want a #4 value meal. Would you like that supersized?
Why is she looking at me like that? Oh my god, I forgot to put my pants on today!

 

by kaufman
11-13-04

 

by kaufman
11-15-04
And this new wonderdrug will increase everyone's life expectancy to 230 years.
Our expenses have goten too high. From now on, everything's $1.02.
Dammit, why does this walking on water thing always give out when I'm over the deepest part of the lake?

 

by kaufman
11-16-04
For cryin' out loud! I still can't decide which tentacle to pick it with, and now that booger's starting to run down my chin.

Showing page 40.

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