All comics by ZMannZilla

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by ZMannZilla
8-21-10
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
You fagtarded Stripcreator cunts really aren't funny.

 

by ZMannZilla
8-25-10
Spare some change mister? Y'know, I never thought I'd be doing this, but God has ways of humbling us all.
...so you're claiming that The Almighty made you a homeless bum? How, pray tell, did The Good Lord do that?
God is teaching me a lesson about alcohol abuse, laziness and gambling by allowing me to be homeless.
So you think Jesus made you spend all your unemployment checks on liquor and casinos, because he doesn't want you gambling or drinking?
Hey, The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Well, I know better than to interfere with His divine plan for you, so I'll be keeping my change. Hallelujah!

 

by ZMannZilla
8-25-10
Y'know, not all homeless people are drug addicts and deadbeats. You shouldn't assume I don't deserve your change just because I look like a dirty bum.
Too true. So tell me... what made you think I have change in the first place?
Well... um...
Go on.
...you're wearing a clean outfit.
It's what's inside that counts... and inside this clean outfit is NO FUCKING CHANGE!!!

 

How many union guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-four... Got a problem with that?!
by ZMannZilla, 9-07-10

 

What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
by ZMannZilla, 9-07-10

 

by ZMannZilla
9-11-10
Where am I... One moment I was reading, and now... Wait, you're the Childlike Empress! That must mean... The Neverending Story is real?!
Yes Bastion! And only you can save Fantasia! All you need to do is give me a name!
Really? Any name?
Yes! You have already chosen the name, Bastion! Hurry and speak it aloud, that Fantasia may be restored!
...so he picked "Jill"?
I know, right? How am I supposed to make a punchline out of that?!

 

by ZMannZilla
9-14-10
Hello.
Randomly Appearing Snowman, ladies and gentlemen. Wasn't he lovely?
Next on my list of Stripcreator tropes I could care less about using before I die, Nads Malone!
HEYYYYY ZMANN! I GOT NADS ON MY... wait, you don't find me amusing?

 

by ZMannZilla
9-14-10
Randomly Appearing Snowman, trying to prove that he really is funnier than your first comic strip.
BUT YOU MELT
No, you're thinking of Uncle... oh, forget it.
Morgan Freeman, starring opposite TOBOR in the David Lynch film version of Shakespeare's "Othello"
YE VERILY, DOTH MY EYES SEE A CORHOLE UNSPOILED? RAAAARETH!
'Tis a bad day to be Morgan Freeman.
And, of course, The Punchline Shitting Hillbilly.
I'M CONSTIPATED!

 

by ZMannZilla
9-21-10
Well, the bad news is, that wasn't Suzanne Vega.
And the good news?
It turns out Lukas Haas is a really good kisser.

 

by ZMannZilla
9-23-10
In today's strip, the part of "INT: CITY BUS" will be played by the inside of a doomed airplane.
Young lady, I think it is very rude that you have not offered me your seat!
This has been a very long bus ride, and you can clearly see I am walking with a cane! You kids are so uncultured and rude! Why in my day, we
Hey Earl... It turns out the 843 bus goes to the Senior Center, and the 834 goes to Polio School.
HOW CAN YOU TEACH THERE FOR THE PAST 60 YEARS AND STILL NOT KNOW THIS???

 

by ZMannZilla
10-01-10
Holy Cursewords, Porkman!!! Unknown badguys approach!
Egad, Finchy! What do badguys look like?
The henchman all have red "P" logos on their clothes!
What badguy in Porkman histories has P in name? Pandaman? Pollywhomp? Private Parts? Is lots of P names! Think Porkman THINK...
...oh, except one of them... He's 900 feet tall and looks like a flying dinosaur!
PTERODACTYL THE FLYING T-REX?!?! WHY YOU NOT SAY SO FIRST YOU ASS?!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-01-10
Porkman! Incoming T-Rex wearing a jetpack!
PTERODACTYL THE FLYING T-REX IS OUT OF PRISON?!?!
Oh, that reminds me, Porkman, the commisioner called before we left. Something about a prison escape and all your enemies.
FINCHY KNEW THIS DURING ENTIRE BUS RIDE HERE?!?!
He said "This looks like a job for BACONMAN!"
COMMISIONER CALLED ME BACONMAN AGAIN?!?!?!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-01-10
Ah yes. At last we meet again. I have awaited this day for many years, Porkman.
PTERODACTYL THE FLYING T-REX!!!
Yes, and I am still very upset with you foiling my plot to assassinate the Secretary Of Anti-Matter.
I SWEAR THAT WAS DIFFERENT BACONMAN!!!
I thought your name was Porkman.
Abort Plan A!!!! ABORT PLAN A!!!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-01-10
And now, Porkman, you shall pay the ultimate price, for crossing Pterodactyl The Flying T-Rex... DEATH!
Jeepers, Porkman! Is tight spot! How will I smack delicious Atomic Laser Cocoa out of his hand-claw?
I'll just pull this trigger and
BOO!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-02-10
Holy Cursewords, Porkman! That's BLOOD! A mystery is upon us!
Yes, Finchy! Pure people grease! We now study blood pattern for clues and motive.
The killer wants a red drum!
THERE WAS A KILLER?!?!?

 

by ZMannZilla
10-04-10
Holy Cursewords, Porkman! I just bought a baseball team!
IN THIS ECONOMY?!?! WHO DOES SUCH NONSENSE?!?!
No, Who's on first.
Oh, is good place for Who. He has fast hands.
Actually, no, I think he's left outfield.
STAY ON SCRIPT!!! PORKMAN CANNOT IMPROVISE!!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-06-10
Holy Cursewords, Porkman! There's nothing up here!
LIES! THE CHEESE WAS LIES!!!
No, I am not taking the rap for this one! I flat-out told you there was no cheese up here!
IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING IN ESPERANTO?!?
Well, duh. I used the universal language for a reason.
IS UNIVERSAL BECAUSE EVERYBODY DON'T SPEAK IT!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-08-10
Holy Cursewords, Sir Porkman! Some good guys approach!
Porkman casts a spell on Finchy!
What? But I love you!
OMG WHAT HAVE I DOOOONE?!?!?!
Plus you don't know any spells at Level 1.
DAMMIT I HATE BEING MULTICLASS!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-09-10
Stevetron! Thanks for taking the time to do this follow-up interview. I know it's been a while since you dropped off that resume...
Five years, two months and seven days, yeah. But you fortunately caught me while I'm freelancing between jobs.
Oh, my. You're a freelance contractor? I'm sorry, we weren't looking to hire a consultant...
Sorry. What I meant to say was "yes, I accept the job, at entry level salary and no benefits. I can start tomorrow."
Well, that's an offer I absolutely can't refuse! You're hired! You'll start by teaching the clones Javascript.
I really hope those words you just said mean "surf the internet".

 

by ZMannZilla
10-10-10
Honey, the baby's crying, do something about it!
I'm making breakfast!
Yeah, about that - what's that burning smell?
Crap! The eggs must have burnt while I was rolling that joint.
And why does my tea taste like lawn trimmings?
Sunday morning 3, Me 0.

 

by ZMannZilla
10-13-10
Bless the Gods for the Peace Corps.
You said it, buddy.
Giving us this wonderful health care, when we need it the most.
Totally. I've been needing to do something about this dry skin for ages.
...dry skin? I just had my arm hacked off by bandits during a food riot! I'm bleeding to death over here!
Yeah, but I was here first.

 

by ZMannZilla
10-14-10
And now, my prisoner, the dark jackalope goddess must feed on your brains.
Please, sir, I beg you to spare my life!
Whoa.
What?
When you said that thing about your life, I totally got deja vu.
Dude, weird!

 

by ZMannZilla
10-15-10
Dag, yo! Why's your online store askin' me for a credit card?!
Well, my first guess would be because you're trying to access content that isn't free. Why?
Well, that's bullshit! You guys advertised a free trial for Stinkrat's Teryaki Challenge, so I should get it for free!
Well, according to your IP address log, you've done the free trial nine times. You should know by now if you want to buy it.
Why the hell would I pay money for Stinkrat's Teryaki Challenge? That game sucks!
...and yet, you're trying to play it a TENTH time?

 

by ZMannZilla
10-19-10
Stevetron is teaching the clones how to make cellphone games...
Hi class, I'm Mr. Stevetron. Today we'll be reading your textbooks and leaving me the hell alone. Any questions?
This isn't a Javascript textbook, it's the instruction pamphlet for Scribblenauts.
I asked if there were any questions. That was a statement. I'm marking you down a full letter grade.
OK then, here's a question: how am I supposed to learn Javascript from this?
You could start by having a more positive attitude.
I'm smiling now. Can I have my letter grade back?

 

by ZMannZilla
10-23-10
Stevetron is teaching the clones how to make cellphone games...
Javascript is derived from the Latin words "Java" and "script", meaning "to write with coffee". Therefore, to program cellphone games, you must drink lots of coffee.
I thought it was derived from Java, the programming language invented by James Gosling which he named after a random word.
Excuse me, I'M the teacher here, NOT you. Besides, where the hell did you get such a dumb-sounding theory?
I looked it up on Wikipedia.
Well, there's your problem, that's a completely unreliable source. As you can tell from my UTI diploma, I am an accredited teacher, thus more reliable.
I'm sorry, sir, I should know better than to question the bearer of an Associate's Degree from a correspondence school that advertises during late-night re-runs.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-05-10
...an' when I tries ta log inta mah rooter, it don't take th' gol-durned WEP code!
...yes, and like the other six times you said this, my answer is LET'S JUST TRY IT ONCE TOGETHER.
OK, fine, FER YOU, I'll put th' code in like ya said an... Aw, I knew this would happen! Dangit it works! Yew tricked me, boy!
Yes, I sent gremlins to your house to screw up your router, all so I could get you to call me and annoy me. Sure. You have a nice day, sir.  *click* 
*sigh*
Some days, the remote control orbital EMP laser makes this whole crummy job worth it.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-06-10
Ah good Batman, you have arrived. As you can see out the window, I have devised a complex and diabolical trap with deep psychological implications, and you only have one minute to
You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight... prey?
Wha... hey hey hey, now, everyone knows that despite your extensive ninja training, you never kill your opponents.
What do you think all those rockets and machine guns in my Bat-Vehicles are for? I killed like six of your dudes while ringing the doorbell!
I'm boned.
Hell, did you see the way I stuck a ticking bomb to that strong man's junk in Batman Returns? Bitch, i'll fuck your ass up!

 

by ZMannZilla
11-07-10
...Also, if Vego could just step out of the painting at the end of Ghostbusters 2, then what was all that crap with possessing the baby? Seems needlessly complicated for a walking god to-
Yes, because THAT was the part of Ghostbusters 2 that was implausible.
If you're going to create a reality, you should at least stick to your own rules! Like, how did the dad in Neverending Story go from bald eggsucker to full-haired adonis between movies?
...or Harvey Dent going from black to white in Batman, or the President seeing John Parker as a human on TV without inhaling the Lectroid chemical in Buckaroo Banzai, yes, I-
Hey hey HEY! You leave Buckaroo Banzai alone, that movie is PERFECTION.
Ah, gotcha. You're just prejudiced against sequels. Real enlightened opinion you have there, pal.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-07-10
Y'know Geoff, a lot of people ask me about what it's like being a new dad, and here's what I tell them:
I've been barfed on and peed on. I handle liquid poop with my bare hands. I speak the nuanced language of baby cries, and have grown nearly immune to their shrieking.
I have learned what a colorful place the world is on just 3 hours of sleep a night. I have discovered vast untapped wealth by never going out on weekends.
Yup, being a dad has many rewards. I definitely recommend the experience to everyo
Sir, I am a parking meter. You probably need medical attention.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-07-10
Earlier that day at the ranch...
So a lady walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives her a stiff one!
Ha, ha!
OK, here's another one- wait, would you get offended if I told a black joke?
Yes, actually. In fact, I only like jokes about advanced quantum mechanics and jokes with puns in the punchline.
Oh, well you're in luck! It seems there were these two Polacks that were building a graviton generator...
I think I already heard this one, but tell it anyways, your version might be different.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-08-10
...next, I gave that dizzy broad the ol' "Stool Pigeon"... that's when you use your tallywhacker upon her speak-easy, then wipe it upon her nose!
What the... Who the devil are you? Where am I?
After that, she got the ol' "23 Skidoo"! And I bet a well-traveled gentleman like you need not be told that a "23 Skidoo" is a 69 with three tongues!
Oh crumbs, I died in the crash! Why didn't I listen when they told me The Spruce Goose would never fly?!
You did a "Spruce Goose"? Ew.
Wait... "Spruce Goose" is a thing too?

 

by ZMannZilla
11-12-10
Holy Cursewords, Porkman! It sure is sad of your cousin Hammy to die like that!
Hammy earn this Buddhist funeral with Hammy's good good artery clogged heartmuscle!
It was also nice of Hammy to come to the funeral!
UNDEAD COUSIN HAMMY?!?!?!
Boy, look at him suck down those hors d'oveurs!
NO HAMMY I MADE THOSE FOR THE GUESTS!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
12-03-10
Look, Mr. Kellogg, I just watched my entire family die while you were killing them with brown sugar and fire. I have nothing left to live for. Cut the crap and just kill me please.
Oh, no Chen. I'm going to savor this. Take my tiiiiime with it. You done stepped on Batman's cape, you pathetic, sniveling womb turd.
Now, you watch, as I fill all these cereal boxes with what's left of your family. America's about to enjoy a whole new breakfast sensation. Then, I'm going to eat it in front of you while you starve.
By the end, you'll be begging me, pleading, for just one delicious spoonful of your own kin. And after the realization of what you've done kicks in, perhaps then you will beg for death properly.
It's "Superman's" cape, actually
Damn right it is. Don't fuck with The Kellogg.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-03-10
See? I told you I had this cereal design thing covered - and the money we saved by hiring overseas help is what paid for lunch yesterday!
Yes, about that. It appears they only spoke enough English to understand the phrase "put a bear on it somewhere" from your instructions.
DIE FAT YANKEE CEREAL
So, now you can understand why Mr. Kellogg has asked me to escort you and your family to Kill Room A2 today, right?

 

by ZMannZilla
12-08-10
...and you'll need 12 references just to get a job shoveling manure. OK, so this concludes our seminar on sexual harassment. Thanks for attending.
Holy shit, what a waste. Two hours of perfectly viable work time, assassinated by a pointless meeting about why we can't discuss sex with our co-workers.
I mean, seriously, I don't even want to discuss sex with my co-workers. I got married just so I could stop having, plotting, and talking about sex with strangers. Why did I need to go to that semi-
Hey Zilla, I was just on Facebook, and anyways, what's a "furry"?

 

by ZMannZilla
12-14-10
CORNY POPS CEREAL!!!!
They're awesome!
Far be it from me to question your judgement Mr. Kellogg, but why are we making the mascot a priest?
You ever seen "Death To Smoochy"? I'm getting sick of our mascots turning out to be degenerate dirt bags, SO I GOT ONE THAT'S SQUEAKY CLEAN!
I'll suck your dick for some Trix.
Any interest in a nasty threesome with a schizophrenic cuckoo bird?

 

by ZMannZilla
12-21-10
Closed in this small closet... It's like I'm in a casket... Man that makes me so horny!
Oh man, this is so awesome! I'm stiffer than rigor mortis up in this bitch! I'm doing it! I'm choking that stiff chicken!
The maid found him hanging in the closet. ID confirms it's David Carradine, the white guy from "Kung Fu".
I always wondered how necrophiliacs masturbated.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-23-10
Daddy, wanna play Snowball Fight with me and Billy?
Not really, no, but I hate the sound of your screeching, so let's do this. Should I help you build a fort?
Hee hee, no silly, we're way past that part! Billy and I just need a notary public.
...what?
This cease-fire is only temporary. We need you to witness and notarize the peace treaty.
*sigh* Fine, I'll grab the rubber stamp.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-23-10
There's been a problem with the peace treaty, dad. Billy is rejecting the disarmament clause.
I don't remember snowball fights being this irritating when I was a kid.
He also hates the proposed appeals process for border disputes, and said that the wording of the trade concessions doesn't specifically ban take-backsies.
*sigh* So re-write it or something. Jeezus.
OK! I'll go get my glitter pen!
I can't believe I quit heroin for this little shit's mother.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-23-10
Dammit, Billy got a professional negotiator to argue his case! He's demanding lighter penalties for chemical warfare!
One, watch your language young lady, and two... chemical warfare?
Yellow snowballs. I need you to speak with the negotiator and keep the chemical warfare ban on the table, as is. Be careful, he's a crafty one.
*sigh* I'll do my best.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-24-10
Bad news, Dad. Billy's propaganda campaign is killing these peace talks. He's spreading rumors around the neighborhood about my cooties and the bad way I treat my POWs.
And why am I once again forced to care?
You're my ambassador, and the neighbor kids trust you. I need you to assure them that my hostage is being treated well. Could you pwetty pweeease make an official inquiry and statement?
Hostage? What the... wait...That kid from the sleep-over?
I got a whole Hot Pocket!

 

by ZMannZilla
12-28-10
Oh, just forget it.
What? You said you were into pretending I was a dead guy!
Yeah, but you're not doing it right!
I'm lying as still as I can, what more do you want?!
Your skin doesn't sparkle.
Wait, I think my little sister has glitter. Be right back.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-29-10
Holy Cursewords, Porkman! They kicked us out without paying!
Porkman worked so hard on centerpieces and was a diligent DJ! Why is all this hate for Porkman?
Porkman, I'm medically brain-dead, and even I know that "Du Hast" is not appropriate wedding music.
WORDS ARE NOT IN ENGLISH AND PORKMAN HAS A DANCE FOR IT!!! THESE ARE IDEAL CRITERIA FOR WEDDING MUSIC!!!
It's a German song about hate. That's pretty offensive music for a Jewish wedding.
ACK! ALSO PORKMAN IS MADE OF PORK!!

 

by ZMannZilla
12-29-10
Holy Cursewords, Porkman! None of these prostitutes wants to have sex with you for $20!
Is Porkman's dead piggy flesh to never know love?
I did find one that would do it for $50 though!
FINE PORKMAN WILL PAY THAT MUCH FOR PORKMAN HAS THROBBING NEEDS!!!
Ew, wait, no, never mind. I thought the kid said you were a "Jamaican Man".
WAS THAT LITTLE DUMB SHIT CALLING ME "BACONMAN" AGAIN???

 

by ZMannZilla
1-03-11
O Great Cherokee Medicine Woman, there's nobody else I can turn to. In your professional opinion, does mistletoe also cure soul cancer, or is it only just regular cancer?
I ask you, Wise One, because you Cherokee medicine folk are in touch with life itself, and I'll be damned if those money-grubbing hospitals get a hold of my baby girl.
Ah, yes, Silva... it's nice hearing from you after all these years... and while I weep for the tragedy of your offspring's cancer, I must first warn you...
...I've changed a bit since college.

 

by ZMannZilla
1-03-11
Screw this necrophile bullshit, screw the results of CC466, and screw YOU, Ragu4u, for not even getting a Twilight reference. You're DEAD to me, pal... DEAD to me.
Which, according to your CC466 rules, means I wanna do you so hard right now.
I'll get the glitter.

 

by ZMannZilla
1-03-11
Say, Mr. Jumpman, I hear that the Nintendo Wii was NOT the top seller this holiday season.
Well a-duh, ZMannZilla, because-a everyone and-a their grandma's already got one!
No, smart-ass, because Kinect's gonna show Nintendo how motion controls are supposed to be done.
Yes, they gonna show us a historical reinactment of-a the Wii release, right before-a we release the next thing they'll be-a copying in 5 years!
That's BS, and you know it.
Oh right. The 3DS, she is a portable unit. They never get those right.

 

by ZMannZilla
1-04-11
"I'm not up on those 'strange' films. Now if it had had trans-sexual, Lithuanian dwarfs connected together from mouth to anus making a human centipede, well, I'd be all over THAT! - ragu4u
*MMMMPH!!* *pop* *faaaaaart* Ø MIGHTY ØDIN STRIKE ÜS DEÄD!!!
SMITË US, MERCIFUL ØÐIN, ÅNÐ SMITË MË FÏRST!!!!!!! AUUUUUGH ØH THË STËNCH!!! THE STËËËËËNCH!!! AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS GLITTER?! AAAAUGH!!!
So I ask you, ragu4u... How's THIS?
I said Lithuanian, not Nordic. And I still don't get the glitter.

 

by ZMannZilla
1-21-11
Ugh! This background offends me! You! Go send someone to blow themselves up in the next panel!
You! Cave Master says for you to go blow yourself up in the next panel, for the glory of our God!
You! I'm gonna blow up this whole panel now! Die for your comic!
No! The explosion will hit me first! I am terrified! Fuck this comic, I just want to live!
I love this comic, but not enough to die for it! We really have to stop pissing off those guys before I get blown up next!
DO IT FAGGOT!!! USA! USA! USA! WOOOOO!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
1-22-11
Heh... maybe you should have made the doors out of brick too, huh runt?
Fuck off, Arnold.

Showing page 5.

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