All comics by andydougan

Profile

 

by andydougan
9-28-01
heLo litel girl
helo mr elahpint yuo haev big tucsks y dont u stikc thm in mi vajinea!!!!!!!
no taht woudl be rong adn i woudl go 2 jale
jsut as i thohgt ur a homo eliphetn arnet u!!!!!!!!1 fukkin fagot
ono how did u no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plees dont tel mi dad hell throgh me out of teh hous!!!!!!!!!!1
Sigh...and I wanted to do Shakespeare...

 

by andydougan
9-29-01
Sung to the tune of "Wonderful Tonight"
On my way to the palace/I pass outside wirthling's place.
"Don't go this way," I cry/"Unless you want to be debased!"
But I do not hear him...
Ooh, that anus looks so tight!
Who's next on the list?
You have one deaf fool to knight.

 

by andydougan
9-29-01
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

 

by andydougan
9-29-01
Sung to the tune of 4'33" by John Cage

 

by andydougan
10-01-01
In a pre-apocalyptic future...
My pleas were not in vain! At last we have a rushing lines backdrop!
Uh oh.
Hokuto tooth-smashing spine-busting gut-rending eye-popping blood-gushing wheelchair-binding life-ruining time-distorting universe-destroying armageddon kick!
Er, make that post-apocalyptic...
Yep! I sure do love that new backdrop!
Heh heh...hentai rape time...

 

by andydougan
10-01-01
Has anyone seen my spanner?
Oh, there it is.

 

by andydougan
10-01-01
meow

 

by andydougan
10-04-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards and John Pienaar
So, the son of a Glasgow City Councillor was involved in the killing of Firsat Dag?
Looks that way. Who'd've thought that Glasgow Labour would have anything to do with murderous thugs, eh?
It's lucky we have an unbiased institution like the BBC to report such matters!
I quite agree, Huw! We serve the public, not the government! No censorship h...
Test Card
Vote
Labour

 

by andydougan
10-04-01
It has come to my attention that "al-Qaida" translates as "the base".
Um...
So, then: what does George Bush say to Osama bin Laden?
No! Please! Don't! Don't say it! DON'T SAY IT!!!
Al your Qaida are belong to us!
Gah! War is beginning!

 

by andydougan
10-08-01
What do you call it when an English explorer takes the number of his relatives to the nearest ten, whilst carrying al-Qaeda in a recaptacle in his clothing?
I don't know, what *do* you call it when an English explorer takes the number of his relatives to the nearest ten, whilst carrying al-Qaeda in a recaptacle in his clothing?
Raleigh rounds the family, with a pocketful of cells!
Thankyuhverymuch.
My kingdom for a "Jesus committing suicide" character...

 

by andydougan
10-08-01
Andy, whenever I go to look at your comics, "Divine Comedy" comes up. Why don't you just show the latest strip by default, like you used to?
Well, if I have a long, multi-comic storyline, I don't want people to see the end of it before the beginning.
Also, it makes the casual reader less likely to stumble upon my crap comics.
Like this one.

 

by andydougan
10-09-01
Jo Moore, Labour spin doctor
Planes have crashed into the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon...thousands dead...
Hooray! All my Christmases have come at once!
Attention all spin doctors! Rush out all the stories about how corrupt the government is immediately! The idiot public will be too busy reading about silly terrorist attacks to notice!
In other news: Jo Moore is an opportunist, but who cares? Back to the main story...
I'm a genius!

 

by andydougan
10-11-01
Mohammed Atta, ex-terrorist
I thought it meant seventy *female* virgins!

 

by andydougan
10-11-01
The day begins
Okay. First matter on the agenda this morning...the digging of the new nitrogen wells in the Ishtar Terra region...
Three Earth months later
...which...gasp...brings me to today's two hundred and sixteen billion, four hundred and twenty-two million, thirty-seven thousand, four hundred and fifty-ninth item...
Three more Earth months later
Woohoo! Quittin' time! See you tomorrow, Zog!
I hate this fucking planet.

 

by andydougan
10-11-01
Judgment Day, midnight
Welcome to purgatory! If you'll just take a seat, I'll be with you once I've dealt with these other lost souls.
Judgment Day, noon
Sorry about the delay. Now, let's see...playing the biscuit game...making jokes about terrorism...oh dear, oh dear...
Eternity
And now, yet another screening of "Proof of Life"!

 

by andydougan
10-12-01

 

by andydougan
10-12-01
Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
No!
itsclark!

 

by andydougan
10-16-01
Hi! The name's Faith!
Argh!

 

by andydougan
10-18-01
Jo Moore, spin doctor, and George Bush Sr, former US president
I like the way thousands of people got killed. Very handy.
Duhhh...atheists don't belong in America. We're all God's children, y'all.
Prince Philip, prince, and Silvio Berlusconi, Italian prime minister
Bah! Slitty-eyed people! They should all go back to the jungle.
Allah-praisers are crap compared to westerners. You don't see *us* flying planes into buildings!
Donald Findlay, QC, and some ned
Hello, hello, we are the Billy boys! We're up to our knees in Fenian blood! FUCK BOBBY SANDS!
Wanna come rahnd moi gaffe?

 

by andydougan
10-19-01
T PANTS IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT SUCK MY DICK
(RAISING HAND)
NOW YOU HAVE TO SUCK MY DICK UNTIL IT SPURTS JIZM
I'VE BEEN LURED INTO A TRAP

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
Even the US military is helpless against Al-Qaeda! Looks like this is the end of the world.
Really? Then excuse me, there's something I have to do.
BITCH!

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Andy Dougan makes a play for comic #40000! John Pienaar is on the scene! John!
Tense scenes here at the Evening Times in Glasgow. We're likely in for a long wait, though, as this is only comic #39936.
Another Red Bull, Andy?
Yuh.

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
Andy Dougan's attempt to get comic #40000
So, Andy. You're hoping to author the 40000th comic.
Yuh.
Could take a while.
Yuh.
Is it okay if I pour boiling oil into your ears?
Yuh.

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
So. You want comic 40000.
Co-miiiiiiic for-ty THOU-sand.
I can't believe John Simpson gets to report on the war while I'm stuck here.
WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!?!

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
Jesus SHIT! There's a Boeing 747 headed straight for the building!
39952...come on...come on...

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
I wonder why it takes several hours for someone to think up a strip about CS and masturbation...

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
Plato argued against the use of rhetoric in philosophy, because it could convince people of falsehoods by psychological manipulation.
How ironic, then, that he himself practiced philosophical rhetoric! Aristotle's claim that rhetoric is necessary to explain truth is far more honest.
I disagree. Plato's dialogues are logical, measured attempts to expound Socratic arguments.
"Sophist" and "Phaedrus" are full of emotive, overly complicated turns of phrase, intended to convince the reader of Plato's own irrational prejudices.

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
There'll be a lot of competition for comic #40000.
There are a lot of ruthless people out there. They'll use any dirty tricks at their disposal to get what they want. They'll stop at nothing.
Strip life. It's the only life I know.

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
Curses! I need a piss, but I daren't leave the computer.
I hope we hit 40000 before that goes stale...

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
Shit!
Gabe cheated by posting about ten comics at once!
Hey, where'd the building go?

 

by andydougan
10-21-01
To blazes with it! I never want to make another comic strip again! It's over! I'm retiring. If I ever lay eyes on sc.com again it'll be too soon!
But what about 50000?

 

by andydougan
10-23-01
Hello, Microsoft? I'd like to complain again about your "Jesus" product. I retried it today only to find my computer had four holes in it!
That's the parallel port. And it's got twenty-five holes, not four.
Oh. Well, when I eventually got it working, it suddenly started a game of "Hunt the Wumpus"!
Yeah, we put an Easter Egg in it.
Christ, that's it, I'm getting an open source messiah.

 

by andydougan
10-28-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
We were going to do a piece about IDS's navel hair, but John Pienaar hasn't been seen since last Sunday. So let's instead go to John *Simpson* in Jalalabad! John!
Well, Huw, as you can see, you can see absolutely nothing because our cameras are too crap. But at least we still have audi

 

by andydougan
10-28-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Thanks, John. Let's go live now to a press conference with Donald "life and soul" Rumsfeld.
...uh...we...uh.....we... uh...won't...uh...capture Osama...bin...uh...wait... got my...uh...my...uh... notes...uh...mixed...uh... up...Laden... because...uh......... we...............hm.
Thanks for so lucidly answering my question, Mr Secretary! With an ernest frown like that, you must know what you're talking about!
...and the beauty part is, they have to pay for this rubbish just to watch Channel 5 porn! Oh shit, are we on?

 

by andydougan
10-28-01
BBC News avec Huw Edwards
Donald "The Dude" Rumsfeld. And now back to John Simpson in Jalalalalalabad. John, how goes the bombing?
Well, Huw, you might occasionally see little green bits on the screen. That's a bomb going off.
Hehe! I'm picking my nose on live TV and no one even suspects!

 

by andydougan
10-28-01
BBC News with John Simpson in Jalalabad
Ho ho! I think I'll pull my trousers down and wave my penis about while giving this report!
Well, Huw, there's really nothing new to report. But I'm going to talk anyway. Oh, by the way, are the viewers aware that Eastenders is now going out nine times a week?
Ah, visual clarity's been restored! JESUS! Isn't that the excrement of a licence-payer?

 

by andydougan
10-31-01
It's okay for Allah-praisers to bury each other alive for not having the right length of beard. They just have a different culture.
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you!
Hey, if I really narrow my eyes I can almost see a bit of your ear! Time to die, biznatch!
Bombs make pretty boom and approval rating go up.

 

by andydougan
11-01-01
The Creation "Science" Institute
We've just got the results of the carbon dating tests on the Pickmaster 3000 electric nosepicker we unearthed.
And?
According to the test, the Pickmaster is about 1500 years old! This proves that carbon dating is a sham and creationism is the one true science!
Huzzah! Break out the non-alcoholic champagne!
5th century AD
I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm opening a Pickmaster 3000 emporium and that's that!
I'm telling you, Brutus, it's immoral. It'll lead to the decline of civilisation as we know it.

 

by andydougan
11-02-01
Scots are crap!
Is that so? Would that be why we invented television, penicillin, the telephone, the Encyclopaedia Britannica, logarithms...
...pneumatic tyres, anaesthetics, animal cloning, radar, whisky, Halloween...
Election time! Glasgow Labour are pension-skimming, murdering scum who've done nothing but rob from us for 30 years. But I, like most Glaswegians, will vote for them out of habit anyway.
You were saying?
Shut up.

 

by andydougan
11-04-01
Well, a fine mess this is. My marriage is ruined, I keep shape-shifting uncontrollably, and now I'm in jail with a rapist and his four-foot penis.
What else could possibly go wr...WAIT!
I didn't finish saying it! I didn't finish saying it!
Close enough. I'm a freak rift in the space-time continuum! Prepare to be transported to a very unpleasant period of history!

 

by andydougan
11-09-01
So you've now solved all the mysteries of evolution, doc?
Everything but the missing link.
Uh oh! This restaurant is on fire. All the customers are white while the chef is Chinese. Whom should I rescue, Amazed Porno Bunny?
EVERYONE BUT THE KITCHEN CHINC!!!!!11
You're German. Have you read "Capital", "The Critique of Pure Reason", "The Phenomenology of Spirit" and "Thus Spake Zarathustra"?
Everysing but ze Nietzsche, I sink.

 

by andydougan
11-09-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards
Ex-First Minister. What happened to the missing £36k of taxpayers' money?
Well, if you'd just let me answer that question.
I'm letting you.
Stop interrupting!

 

by andydougan
11-09-01
BBC News with Huw Edwards and Henry McLeish, dethroned First Minister
Compared to the sainted Donald Dewar, you were just a corrupt incompetent, weren't you?
Yeah. I couldn't pay off the media like he did. I was too busy doing things like introducing free care for the elderly.
BLASPHEMER!!! Next you'll be saying John Smith was just a bland cipher who was actually far less committed to devolution than, for example, Malcolm Rifkind!
I think I'd best die. I could do with some good press for a change.

 

by andydougan
11-13-01
During the day, mild-mannered Lara seems like any other librarian...
I'd like to take out this copy of "Gene Pitney's Greatest Hits", please.
But by night, she is...
Schadenfreudewoman! Gloating at the misfortunes of the residents of San Francisco!
Help! My neighbour keeps playing some ear-piercing high-pitched noise! I wish he *was* twenty-four hours from Tulsa!
Nyeh heh heh! Suffer!

 

by andydougan
11-15-01
As the old song tells, Ford is famous for having "laid poor Jesse in his grave".
Hey baby, is that rigor mortis or are you just happy to see me?
The ambiguity of this lyric still provokes controversy to this day.
People didn't do things like that in those days.
Oh yeah? James married his own first cousin, didn't he?
Eventually, a determined anagrammatist solves the mystery...
James dies, killed by Ford...
Jerk semi-fills dead body. De body frees all jism, kid!

 

by andydougan
11-16-01
Dino Ignacio works on his new site, "Fillmore is Evil"
In fourth grade, Fillmore wrote an essay expounding his innermost thoughts. It contained only the words "die", "fornicate" and "666"...
Meanwhile, in the lair of international terrorist, Bert...
Here's a good picture of our illustrious leader! I think I'll make a collage out of it!
Nice banner. Hey, wait, isn't that former president Millard Fillmore in the corner?
Oh no! I'll be neuticled for this!

 

by andydougan
11-20-01
What up! I'm a liberal, Jewish worker of magic who claims to be the son of God.
You're going to Hell.

 

by andydougan
11-20-01
I haven't changed form in four strips. Looks like the Femoxidil has worn off! Your little scheme failed!
Shit. Here comes a rampant bestiophile who, whenever he spies a small, defenceless animal, is overcome by a desperate urge to rape it.
*slobber*
Ha ha! And now you've grown to four times your normal size! This just isn't your day, is it?
Well, I'd say it's looking up.

 

by andydougan
11-20-01
Hello?
Hello, is that a generic UK news source? It's Iain Duncan Smith speaking. I was wondering if you could include an item about me at some point.
I mean, it doesn't have to be something big. You could just summarise my work as leader of the Opposition. Or just mention me in passing. Slip my name in somewhere, y'know.
Sorry, who? And leader of what?
Is it any wonder I'm a bitter old bigot?

 

by andydougan
11-23-01
Your comics are crap now! If they're not unfunny contest entries, they allude to forum users! You should get back to your roots!
Yeah, sorry. I forgot I was supposed to be making comics for your benefit.
Oh, wait, that's right, I'm *not*.
CC216 - Gabe, Spankling and donkey sodomy
Ach.

Showing page 5.

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