All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
4-03-01
Explain to me again how this thing works.
Ok. You write a check for a lump sum you're pledging.
Then?
Once I get your address, I hunt you down and brutally slaughter you and your entire family then burn your house down.
I see...
Did I say brutally slaughter your family? I meant send you a fruit basket.

 

by gabe_billings
4-04-01
Hey! My name's DeeJay. I'm new around here!
Hey there, cheesedick. Glad to see some new faces. You go through the initiation rite yet?
So how long do I have to sit in this thing?
Don't get your panties in a bundle. I still have to go find the cockroaches and the EZ cheese.
...and he was still sittin' in the bucket, two days later.
That boy's got moxie! Let's get him a membership card.

 

by gabe_billings
4-04-01
Guess who sucks?
ObiJo?
Bingo.
Guess who else sucks?
Wirthling?
You're not supposed to talk.

 

by gabe_billings
4-05-01
Ahem... Oliver Twist. Trouser snake. Prozac. How was that?
I'd say it was a tad lean on the creativity.
Who the fuck am I? Bil Keane? Jesus Christ. The shit I put up with.
Just try it again. And it wouldn't hurt if you worked it all together.
While reading Oliver Twist, I inadvertently got my trouser snake torn off by the log splitter. Consequently my doctor put me on Prozac. Better?
Not much.

 

by gabe_billings
4-05-01
Penis.
What?
This piece of paper. It says penis.
Huh.
Well that was a giant fucking waste of a perfectly good comic!
You can say that again.

 

by gabe_billings
4-05-01
All right Obi-Crackpipe. I'm sick of your shit. It's time to bring down the thunder. We'll settle this mano a mano.
I'm gonna open up a can o' whupass on you. And not just any can. One of those Campbell Big 'n' Chunky ones.
Time to rip shit up. Time to pay the fiddler. Time to cancel my subscription to Columbia House.
You mess with the bull, young man, you'll get the horns. Let's do this thing.
Or maybe we should just go get a latte.
Suits me. I'll drive.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
I know what you did last summer.
You mean that time I boned your mom while you were at camp? How'd you find out about that?
Oops. That was quite the social faux pas.
I hate you.
I know.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
What is this shit? Can't follow the rules? I'll show this fishoutofbeer dude a thing or two. Better get some backup, though.
Obi, my man. There's some ass kickin' that has to be done and you and me are just the guys to do it.
That's what I like to hear, bitch. We're gonna get medieval on his ass. I've got just the thing.
Eels?
Eels.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
Well, that certainly could have gone better, Obi.
We got our asses kicked from here to Tuesday. And back again.
How the hell was I supposed to know he was a Hell's Angel? And that the gang was having a cookout at his house?
We'll need to spend a little more time on recon next time. Know thine enemy, and all that.
Hey, I managed to drip a little on his copy of 'Maxim' while those guys were dunking me in the toilet.
Good boy.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
[beep!] Rules: Gabe cannot win.
Wirthling... You cockmonkey! Man was not meant to play god!
Can you believe that crap?
Well hey, if you're not gonna win, you might as well have fun with it.
Damn it, Obi, I take back all those bad things I said about you. You're allright.
Do it up, G.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
I would like to register a complaint about this donkey which I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutiqe.
What's wrong with him, then?
He's gay, that's what's wrong with him.
He's not gay, he's just pining for the fjiords.
He fucked my dog.
Hmm.... maybe you've got something with this 'gay' thing.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go live in a lake.
You were lucky to have a lake. There were 150 of us living in shoebox in middle of road.
Cardboard box?
Aye.
You were lucky.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
That wirthling sure is a smelly bunt.
A what?
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't say the letter 'b'. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a schoolboy. I was attacked by a bat.
A cat?
No, a bat.
I see.

 

by gabe_billings
4-06-01
Did you see the news today? Apparently wirthling's had an asshole transplant.
Really?
Yes. Oh wait, there's a stop press....
What's it say?
Apparently the asshole's rejected him!

 

by gabe_billings
4-07-01
Obi, my man, tonight we're gonna hit the clubs. Do some dancin', hit some chicas, SHAZAAM! But first you gotta go change.
I already did. I'm even wearing vinyl pants!
If you wear those shoes, you're not gonna get any chicks. You're gonna get beat up.
What's wrong with my shoes?
They've got velcro closures.
But they're comfy!

 

by gabe_billings
4-08-01
DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'?
--sniff, sniff--
Vichysoisse?

 

by gabe_billings
4-10-01
Well would you look at this. Evil_d actually sent us a $5 pledge for our Diabetes fundraiser.
Who would have thunk?
We should do something nice for him.
We'll update the list!
Move him from 'to be killed' over into 'gets a fruitbasket'.
Man. You've sure got it in for wirthling. But how in the hell are you going to train the penguins to do THAT?

 

by gabe_billings
4-10-01
What do you call wirthling up to his ankles in concrete?
I don't know. What do you call wirthling up to his ankles in concrete?
A good start!

 

by gabe_billings
4-11-01
Fish and guests stink after three days.
But a pile of poop starts to reek right away.
Was that a proverb?
No, just a warning for you before you head into your bathroom.

 

by gabe_billings
4-12-01
I'm wirthling, the man-whore, and I like to choke down cocks in Time's Square for spare change.
Times Square doesn't have an apostrophe, you git. And by the way, do you take Discover?
Wirthling was the best lay I ever had. And that's including Ricky Martin.
Wirthling is the biggest cheese dick ever to walk the Earth. And that's including Ricky Martin.
I hope all you faggots can stay in one place for me to get my truck and drive back here so I can run your pansy asses down.
If all you pissants are about through, I've got a twelve o'clock with wirthling's bum.

 

by gabe_billings
4-17-01
So what did he do when you showed him the nude pictures of Strom Thurmond?
It sounded like he said they made him feel aroused. Very aroused. But I couldn't be sure. He was picking his nose while he was talking.
That cinches it then. He'll need to be liquidated. And I've got just the person for the job.
There's been a change of plans. The target's location will be changing to Idaho soon. Probably to one of those militia compounds. Will this cause a problem?
No. I can do a nighttime HALO insertion and take him out with no one the wiser. Say, you're not adverse to a little friendly necrophilia, are you?

 

by gabe_billings
4-23-01
Good evening ladies and germs. I've missed two contests in a row now. I was too busy reading the manual on dolphin felching.
But now I'm back with a vengance. So let me check my notes. Looks like the only thing I have to say is...
wirthling
sucks

 

by gabe_billings
4-23-01
What if Tabor had won?
Well Mr. Tabor... You've snuck by the two favorites in a surprising move to become the next president. How do you feel?
RAAAARR! TABOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
I see. And just how will this move benefit the people of America?
Tabor sees major cuts in defense spending, with more emphasis on education and the environment.
Really?
No, not really. All funding will go toward cornholing hu-mans.

 

by gabe_billings
4-24-01
One adult for 'Crocodile Dundee Goes to L.A.' That'll be $13.50.
And Tobor thought he would be doing the sodomizing today.
What can I get for you, sir?
I'd like a large cola, and a BUCKET OF MANRAPE WITH EXTRA BUTTER!
Sorry, sir. We're all out of butter.
Then Tabor will have a package of Milk Duds instead!

 

by gabe_billings
4-24-01
Well, what can I do for you Mr. Tabor?
Tobor is having difficulties with idiots spelling his name incorrectly. He would like to change it to 'The Robot Formerly Known as Tobor'.
Sorry, sir. That name has already been taken. Have anything else in mind? How about Sheldon? That has a nice ring to it.
RAAARR! SHELDON WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
I'm frightened. Really.
Tobor suspects you are lying.

 

by gabe_billings
4-25-01
Well Ed, we've had a good run, but I think our time together is just about through.
Whaddya mean, Wilbur?
You remember how you told me about how much you enjoyed the petting zoo, and how you'd like to be around children again?
Sure, Wilbur. Those were the best times of my life. I love the little scamps.
Well after we run you through the glue factory, there'll be little tykes everywhere dying for a taste of Mr. Ed-Brand paste!
If I go down, you're comin' with me, fucker.

 

by gabe_billings
4-25-01
Well Ed, we've had a good run, but I think our time together is just about through.
Whaddya mean, Wilbur?
You remember how you told me about how much you enjoyed the petting zoo, and how you'd like to be around children again?
Sure, Wilbur. Those were the best times of my life. I was young and pretty once, and those little scamps sure did love me.
Well after we run you through the glue factory, there'll be little tykes everywhere dying for a taste of Mr. Ed-Brand paste!
If I go down, you're comin' with me, fucker.

 

by gabe_billings
5-07-01
Gabba gabba hey! We're gonna rock the night away!
What are we doing here anyway, wirthling? All the chicks are scuds and I hate costume parties. I look like an idiot.
Quit your bitching, Obi. I had a cooler costume, but you didn't want to pair up and go as a donkey.
That's because you were so excited about going as the back end.
Don't be such a prude. No need to be afraid jus 'cause I'm a little smitten. Once you take a ride on the wirthling love rocket, you'll be dying to switch sides.
If I ever take a ride on the wirthling love rocket I'll follow it with a gasoline chaser and spend the rest of the night trying to swallow lit matches.

 

by gabe_billings
5-07-01
Billings, you're about as funny as my ass. $50 says you can't make a comic that doesn't mention donkey sodomy, wirthling or felching..
You're on, bunner, you assmonkey.
Well?
Take a check?

 

by gabe_billings
5-10-01
Whut's up, Mr. Underhill?
Nuthin', nuthin. Just wunderin' whut to do tunight.
Maybe we could run on down to Uncle Unger's and sodomize his donkey like we dun last munth.
Yea, we could do it with one of those things... Whatchucallit... Made of wax. You light the end to see in the dark...
Uuuummmm.... taper?
Yeah, I think that's it.

 

by gabe_billings
5-13-01
Ok, Gramps. I need help so I can win this comic contest. Say the words 'prance' and 'candle', then do something silly, like shit on the floor.
That's it? That's easy. I do that almost every day anyway.
Oops. One more thing. Don't say the letter that comes between 'T' and 'V'.
'U'?
Thanks. We've got a stellar chance of winning now, dipshit. How'd y'like to move to the Shady Oaks Rest Home for Senile Old Men?
Well at least they won't have a problem changing my diaper, Mr. I'm Too Good For Grandpa's Fecal Matter.

 

by gabe_billings
5-16-01
Why the long face, Billings? Get your dick caught in the shop vac again?
No Obi, the network security boys put Lowpass on the internet Black List, and I can't make comics from work anymore.
Boy, that hurts. Whatcha gonna do?
I took care of it.
'Found some nifty hacker work around' took care of it?
More like 'Blew up the building' took care of it.

 

by gabe_billings
5-17-01
...ObiJo slipping on a banana peel and falling headfirst into an industrial sized tree chipper.
...putting ObiJo through a meat grinder then feeding him to Aerosmith in the guise of Manwiches.
...driving over ObiJo with my SUV. Then backing over him. Then driving over him again.
...probing all of ObiJo's bodily orifices with red hot needles. Then replacing his blood with Windex.
...dickwhipping ObiJo with my two foot long robo-schlong.
Hold up guys... we've already received lawsuits from Hunts and Johnson & Johnson, plus we got a nasty letter from Obi's mom.

 

by gabe_billings
5-23-01
Quite a crowd we've got here for the sixth annual Fuck-O-Rama Porno awards. Let's start things off with a bang, shall we?
Hahahaha!
And the award for Most Jiz Shots in a single day's shoot, Eeyore 'Hippo Cock' Johnson. Let's give him a big round of applause.
Woohoo! Go Hippo Cock!
I'd just like to send a shout out to my main man JC, to my ma and pa. My sound boy, bunner, my fav beeatch Jael, and my best niggaz, Obi and wirthling, my fluffer twins who keep the Hippo up!
You da man!

 

by gabe_billings
5-28-01
B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o!
B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo was his name-o!
I'm bored. What should we do now?
I dunno. How 'bout another flood?
Haha! Remember last time, how long it took Noah to clean out that fucking ark!
Hehe! I'll go get the hose.

 

by gabe_billings
5-29-01
Aren't you that guy that writes those cutsie sayings that churches put out front on their signs?
That's me.
'1 Cross - 3 Nails - 4 Given', was that one yours?
Sure was.
How about you change it to '1 Cross - 3 Nails - 8 big cans of whoopass I'm gonna open up when I get down from here'?
I don't think that would fit.

 

by gabe_billings
5-30-01
What's the problem, Obi old man?
All the guys in the locker room make fun of me because my schlong's the size of one of those baby carrots.
Try this on for size. SHAZAAAM!
Holy shit! I'm hung like John Holmes!
Ha ha! Who's your saviour now, bitch!
Damn, Jesus. You're one bad ass mofo! I'm goin' back to church!

 

by gabe_billings
5-30-01
AL
Yorb
Ace. Arby?
Long
Two?
Us

 

by gabe_billings
6-01-01
Hey Gabe... You'd better take a look at this. Dexx just posted comic number 20,000.
God damn it! What the hell did I hire that hitman for, then?
You mean that koala bear? The one to which you gave a picture of Dexx with an 'X' through his head and a Hershey's Bar?
You're right. I probably should have made it a red 'X'. And given him some Twizzlers, too.
You probably should stop pushing on the Q-tip when you feel resistance.

 

by gabe_billings
6-01-01
Hey [OBIJO], what's that you've got there?
Why it's a [SMELLY] [TOASTER] Gabe. I was just taking it to [BARBADOS].
You don't say. Hey, have I told you recently that [YOU ARE A GIANT ASSMONKEY] and you [SMELL LIKE DOG PEE]?
Nope. Say [FELCHMASTER], why don't you [RUN OUTSIDE AND PLAY HIDE AND GO FUCK YOURSELF].
Sorry, my [DOCTOR] said I couldn't do that until my [ANAL POLYPS] cleared up. Why don't you go instead?
I would, but I [LOST A KIDNEY]. I better go now or I'll [MISS SALLY JESSE]. Bye [CRACKHEAD].

 

by gabe_billings
6-02-01
I'd like the Grand Slam breakfast with a side of... Hey! Didn't I see you in the red light district last night?
Probably. Was I in a skimpy silver mini-dress and thigh high black boots?
Could've been. But the guy whose crotch your head was buried in was pretty tubby and it was hard to see around him.
Oh, Councilman Johnson. Yeah. That was me. Hooker by night; Denny's waitress by day. It's a rough life, but I get by.
Say, I've only got about twelve bucks... What do you say to a little fling in the men's room?
Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

 

by gabe_billings
6-02-01
Say there, Henry. I gots me a bit of a situation, and a man with your taxidermy skills is just the sort of feller I need.
Well what can I do ya for, Wally?
Well there was a bit of a cold snap last night, and my prize rooster was out on the barn and his feet froze to the roof. Poor feller done froze to death 'fore mornin'.
Ol' Roy finally met his maker, huh? You'd like me to work my magic on him, eh?
Sure would be nice. You stuff him an' I kin prop him up on the mantle, maybe use him as a hat rack. If it ain't too early to start, I'll go grab him outta the truck.
Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

 

by gabe_billings
6-02-01
Holy shit! It's you! Don't tell me you're a taxidermist, too.
Yup. Fills up the spare time between waitressing and hooking. Gotta pay the bills, ya know.
Well I need some help. My uncle's prize fighting rooster lost the Ultimate Chicken Fighting Championship last night.
And you'd like to preserve the old boy for posterity? I think we can probably help you out there.
Do it up nice, you know? Maybe put some satin shorts on him and some boxing gloves? He'll make a great table centerpiece.
Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

 

by gabe_billings
6-02-01
Holy deja vu, Batman! Third day in a row I run into you. What the hell are you doing down here in the sewers?
Every other Thursday I work a little as an Assistant Hydro-Management Technician for the Division of Water and Sewers.
Hot damn. So what brings you down here so early?
We're having a little problem with secondary drainage valve A-26. It's been sticking lately, and I'm down here to loosen it up.
Cripes. What a shitty way to bring in the morning. I can't believe you do this shit. How 'bout I help you out?
Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

 

by gabe_billings
6-02-01
Cripes lady. You're like a bad dream. I don't believe you work in a gun shop.
Just filling in for my uncle while he's having an endoscopy. But I'm a licensed gunsmith. I sent away for some info I heard Sally Struthers talk about on TV.
You're amazing. What I've got is this old .357 of my dad's. I can't get it to fire 'cause the hammer keeps getting stuck.
Probably just hasn't been cleaned lately. A little love and some gun oil'll fix that right up. Have it done in no time.
That'd be terrific. I'm gonna run to the mall for some socks and I'll swing by in a couple hours.
Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff cock to start the day off right.

 

by gabe_billings
6-03-01
Downstream Heather swims ashore and meets an old friend...
Marshal Wirthling! Oh, you've got to help me! Milton went insane and tried to take my temperature with his dick!
Whoa, slow down there little filly. What's all this rectal tomfoolery?
Oh, it was awful Marshal. I thought something strange was going on when he brought me inside to eat. He had all these candles lit, and he was playing Luther Vandross, and then... *sob!*
Don't you fret none, Heather. You run on down to Miss Sophie's place an' I'll head back to town and round up the boys. We'll make things right.
Boys, we're gettin' this posse together 'cause we got ourselves the worst kind of outlaw known to man. A donkey fucker.
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle, Marshal. I figured after we peeled all the skin off that last feller and tossed him in the barrel of hot sauce we wouldn't see no more of em 'round these parts.

 

by gabe_billings
6-04-01
Rule #36: Gabe can command vast armies of monkeys with his mind.
Rule #127: Gabe gets to refer to himself in the third person. Gabe gets to do this often.
Gabe #41: Gabe gets to decide who lives and who dies.
Rule #410: Gabe's glaring typographical and grammar errors need not be corrected, as he is God.
Rule #65: Gabe can disembowel people with a piece of dry toast.
Rule #182: Gabe can not be committed, despite obvious indications of mental instability.

 

by gabe_billings
6-04-01
Mission accomplished, mon capitan. As requested, here is my expense report.
3200 pounds of C4?!? What the fuck did you need all that for?
Well, when I got to Texas, I wasn't sure which jail you wanted me to take care of. So I blew up all of them.
Not 'jail', you assmonkey! JAEL! You were supposed to take out JAEL! Can't you do anything right?
Sorry, sir. Sometimes I get confused.
That's why I wrote that little note in smelly markers and pinned it to your jacket along with your mittens.

 

by gabe_billings
6-04-01
What's the word, G?
The polls ain't good, Obi. The 'Gabe is a Colossal Geek' thread's almost off the map. Time for a revival show.
Wohoo! What can I do to help? Recite Proust? Stand on my head in a pool full of eels? Fart the alphabet?
Hmm.... All good ideas. But I think I've got just the think the voting public wants to see.
Cover my eyes and count to ten, just like I was playing hide-and-go-seek, eh? Ok... 1, 2, 3...
Come to papa.

 

by gabe_billings
6-05-01
So Gabe thought up yet one more dumb game, huh?
He sure did. That Gabe sure is a swell guy. And have you seen the size of his schlong?
I try not to look. I hear it's pretty nasty. Not for the squeamish.
You got that right. It's amazing the damage a belt sander can do human flesh. Red and scaly is not a good look for a mantool.
What's up, dog? Was you out sick today? Didn't catch ya at work.
I was unconscious. I shouldn't mix vodka and Nyquil again. It's a bad, bad thing.

Showing page 5.

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