All comics by r2_d2

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by r2_d2
5-19-06
So check out this new word I learned tonight from my law dictionary:  "Corsned".
What does that mean?
"A medieval trial in which the accused had to swallow consecrated bread.  If he ate it freely, he was pronounced innocent; if he choked, it was considered proof of guilt."
Uh-huh ...
How is tort law any different?
Well, you didn't get any butter.  But you couldn't sue the baker, so it's really a toss-up as to which is better.

 

by r2_d2
6-11-06
... and have to deal with three cars breaking down a day.
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
I'd like a beer.
Okay, I'll give you a beer...
... but don't start anything.

 

by r2_d2
10-31-06
So, any plans for Halloween?
I'm glad you asked.  I'm actually going to a party down in West Virginia.
Aren't you a little worried about unwelcome advances from the locals?
Ordinarily, yes, but I ought to be safe tonight.  You know, the traditional West Virginian Halloween celebration should give me some respite.
Why?  How do they celebrate down there?
They pumpkin.

 

by r2_d2
11-06-06
So, my grandmother bought a DVD player today.  I drew the short straw and got to show her how to use it.
I'm so sorry.  How many DVDs does she own?
Just the one:  Raising Helen.
Folks, I must apologise.  I truly thought there just had to be a punchline here.  Seriously, the setup demanded it.
Rest assured, our crack team of researchers is on the case, and shan't sleep until we've figured it out.

 

by r2_d2
4-21-07
For a Tech Support position:
... Now, moving on to office equipment: would you be comfortable with taking a copier apart?
Well, that depends.  Do you mean, like, to fix it, or just out of curiosity?
'Cuz one of those ways I've done lots of times.
Usually to other people's stuff.

 

by r2_d2
4-25-08
I don't understand. Why is the diocese closing Our Lady of the Assumption?
We just don't have enough money or parishoners to go on. We're going to have to merge with Sts. Cyril and Methodius.
What!? that's Blasphemy! Our Slovak Catholic church is going to join with those Czech bastards?
Well, the community's shrinking, and economically, our aging population can't support a Slovak church, Czech church, Czechoslovakian church, Polish church, and a western Polish church anymore.
Economically, huh? Well, if the economy's tanking, I shouln't have to suffer. It's those damned immigrants' fault, you know.

 

by r2_d2
8-08-08
Why aren't you going to the big speed dating shindig tonight?
Besides the $15? Because the kind of woman I'm after is the kind who never says "The Steelers are playing—let's go do anything else."
Don't you think that's a bit "beggars trying to be choosers"?
Not at all. Marketing research has actually shown that the Steelers have the largest female fanbase in all of football, if not all of sports.
Even more than that famous women's basketball league?
I meant actual sports.  And hetereosexual women—is that really too much to ask?

 

by r2_d2
8-09-08
This may be the single most important discovery in the history of space exploration. I must transmit this data back to NASA immediately!
This is amazing! Phoenix has just reported definite liquid water on Mars!
Aw, crap. You know what happens next, right?
Later, back at the spaceport:
I'm sorry, but I can't let you board. Homeplanet Security regulations prohibit bringing more than 4oz of any liquids on to any spaceship.
What is this, Albany?

 

by r2_d2
11-08-09
Welcome back to The $25,000 Pyramid. Congratulations, Shirley, you and Don Fagen have advanced to the Winners' Circle! He'll have 60 seconds to help you guess these 6 categories! Are you ready?
You bet!
"A world become one of salads and sun" ... "A boy with a plan, a natural man wearing a white Stetson hat" ...
Things hippies enjoy ... Things that happen in Brokeback Mountain ...
"I heard it was you, talkin' 'bout a world where all is free; it just couldn't be."
Things only a fool would say!

 

by r2_d2
2-04-10
So I'm writing this article about General Zod in Esperanto, and I'm trying to figure out what the name of his home planet is. Normally, it'd be "Kriptonio", but "Kriptonujo" could also work.
What's the difference?
This IS actually done with country names—primarily ethnic nation-states (e.g. "Italujo", not "Amerikujo") —ed.
The suffix "-io" is the usual way of naming places, but sometimes you see the suffix "-ujo"—which as "Kriptonujo" would literally mean "a container of Kryptonians".
But let's face it, this is really more of a when than an if —ed.
But since the planet can't possibly contain anyone anymore, I went with "Kriptonio". I'm reserving "Kriptonujo" in case I ever need to name the bottle that Kandor is in.
Dude, you really need to get laid.

 

by r2_d2
9-01-10
This is an actual conversation I had with a ladyfriend, almost verbatim.
But, you're lucky. When men go long enough without getting married, you get to be a "Bachelor". I, on the other hand, will be an "Old Maid" or a "Cat Lady", and noone wants to be the Cat Lady.
Don't forget "Spinster"! And the problem you neglect is that "bachelor" is only for unmarried men who can at least still get a date.
The ones like me, on the other hand, well let's just say people start wondering if their bachelorhood needs "confirmation".
(For the record, ladies, R2 is still single, wink wink nudge nudge.
And while neighborhood kids might be afraid of her, at least their parents let them sell Girl Scout cookies at the Cat Lady's house.
But look on the bright side, the candy you give out on Halloween is the scariest on the block!

 

by r2_d2
9-24-10
(I know what you were thinking, you sick monkey. -ed.)
Hey, how's it going?
Well, my wife left me.
Bummer. Why'd she do that?
Well, it was the damndest thing. Last week, she actually stopped talking for the first time in seven years.
Amazing!
Yeah, but before I had a chance to enjoy it, she told me I "don't communicate enough".

 

by r2_d2
1-06-11
Noah! Hast thou yet finished all I have commanded of thee?
Right on schedule, Lord!
What in My Name is this?
It's an Ark, 300 cubits long by 50 cubits wide by 30 cubits high, just like Thou commandedest!
Thou idiot! I asked for an arcade full of 300 rows of 50 Q-Berts! I'm gonna see to it your descendants will have to build pyramids as a punishment for this!
Oh, so that's why Thou wantedest two of every kind of snake.

 

by r2_d2
6-15-11
And is there any reason you couldn't make an impartial descision if you were on this jury?
Well, I can tell just by looking at that woman that she's guilty.
All right. I think we can dismiss you.
Why? Just because the bitch is black?
No. Because Mr. Reynolds here is the defendant. I'm the DA.

 

by r2_d2
8-20-11
Suicide hotline, Jeff speaking.
I've got a problem here. I got fired eight months ago, and since the unemployment checks ran out, I still haven't found a job.
Well, sir, you have to understand that the economy's been hard for everyone—
—says the guy who's getting paid to answer the phone! I have no prospects. I went in to the garage and started up the truck.
Sir, I can't let you do this. I'm alerting the paramedics right now.
Yeah, well, call 'em off. With the price of gas these days, I couldn't build up enough exhaust to get the job done.

 

by r2_d2
8-20-11
When I was your age it was common for a kid to get left out socially Friday morning because his parents wouldn't let them watch The Simpsons. Yet you kids have Jersey Shore and—
I don't believe you, old man.
Yes, the fact that I know this means I'm over 30, which is why I get to start sentences with "When I was your age".
No, really. The Simpsons used to be on Thursday nights.
No, not that part.
I mean the part about one kid having multiple parents.
'strue. Not only did we know who our dads were, we actually lived in the same house as them.

 

by r2_d2
8-22-11
I need a lover who won't drive me crazy!
Some girl to thrill me, and then go away!
Hey, beggars can't be choosers.

 

by r2_d2
12-05-11
Robin Hood?! Impossible! You and your Merry Men could never break through the defenses of Nottingham Castle!
I know what you're thinking, Sheriff. "Did he fire six arrows or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself.
But being as this is a Welsh longbow, the most powerful weapon in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
Well, yes, actually, I am. I can see your quiver is empty.
Awww, fuck.
GUARDS!

 

by r2_d2
3-02-12
It's not that I'd win too much money. It's that I have just one interesting personal fact for the interview segment:
Some people collect stamps. Some people collect baseball cards. But our next contestant has a rather unique collection of his own:
That's right, Alex. I collect Popeye dolls. But not just any Popeye dolls—only Popeye dolls that I've won out of crane machines.
In fact, I'm in the process of verifying it with Guinness, because I do believe I have a legitimate claim to the World's Largest Crane Machine Popeye Dolls Collection title.
How large is your collection?
And except for the Guinness part (because I'm too cheap and lazy to do the paperwork), this is 100% true.
I have three such Popeyes.
I hate my job.

 

by r2_d2
4-22-12
Heaven, 2:30 p.m.
So how did you end up here?
Car accident. You?
I went swimming at the beach during my vacation to Florida.
So, you drowned? Shark attack?
No, there was a box jellyfish off the coast of New Zealand.
Let me guess: when you were alive, you ran a homeopathic medicine shoppe, didn't you?

 

by r2_d2
8-07-12
See if you can guess which one of these situations actually happened to me:
Hi. I'm ◼◼◼◼◼.
Yeah, I know. I've been working here as a temp for the past year. Under you.
Should I be worried that you went over my résumé in red ink?
What? that? No, that's just ketchup. Must've dripped off the half of that sandwich I threw away after lunch.
Give up? It's a trick question—they all happened to me.
(Did you close the blinds? Maybe he didn't see us.)

 

by r2_d2
4-28-13
Ah, here's a posting on Monster.com for a job I could do. I'll just click "Apply Now", and ...
Please continue this application on the company's web site.
Sonuvabitch. All right, I'll type all my résumé info in triplicate AGAIN. JUST FOR THIS ONE FUCKING POSITION.
Sorry, your password is not secure enough.
Five minutes and six password attempts later ...
Ah, success! Oh, wait, I have an e-mail!
Thank you for registering at (companysite). For future reference, here is your password in plaintext.

 

by r2_d2
7-23-13
Mountain View, CA, sometime last weekend:
So, here's the problem: I have a bunch of old e-mail addresses that some people still have me in their address books as.
Lots of us do. That's why GMail lets you forward all of your e-mail to one account and read it consolidated there.
Yeah, but sometimes I forget how many different addresses I have. Isn't there some way you nerds can simulate that so I don't lose track?
Well ... I'll put the boys in the lab on it ...
And now to check my e-mail, and ... hey, what the fuck?
Congratulations! Now your one e-mail login has five different inboxes!

 

by r2_d2
5-26-17
We're here with the former heavyweight champion of the world, Tyrone Jefferson Jackson. Mr. Jackson, what caused your downfall?
Well, Jack, remember how Lamont was trash-talking me before the title bout?
I remember he said he was gonna eat your lunch.
Yeah, and he did he ever.
You mean it wasn't a metaphor?
I can't even get up to bantam any more!

 

by r2_d2
6-17-18
Thank you for calling the suicide hotline. Your call is very important to us and will be answered in the order in which it was received. Please hold.
Paul! What the fuck are you doing!?
These people are in dire straits! We have to give them the individual attention they need!
Dude, I have a 100% success rate this month. Trust me, the hold music does all the work.
♪♫ In Heaven, there is no beer! ♫♪
I want to live!

 

by r2_d2
8-23-23
April 14, 1865:
I just created a new federal agency. I'm calling it "The Secret Service" and they're going to be the élite vanguard against the scourge of counterfeiters who are undermining our Union.
That's nice dear. What else do they do?
That's it. Why would they do two things, Mary?
Beats me, Abe. You're the big brilliant politician in the family.
Anyhow, wanna go see a play tonight? "Our American Cousin" is in town and I hear that show's number 1 with a bullet!

 

by r2_d2
9-18-23
So what do you do for a living?
I work for Guinness.
And you still have to come to a bar?
No ... I work in the Records division. My job is to go around and verify whenever someone has cooked the world's largest instance of some food.
Ooooh! That sounds like fun!
Yeah, but eating leftovers 364 days a year is a bitch.

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