All comics by ComedyGeek

Profile

 

by ComedyGeek
11-24-09
People who should not do obervational comedy, part II : People with bizarre sexual fetishes
And then the goat put on the rubber fedora and started up the Shop-Vac... and you know what THAT means!
Aliens (the UFO kind, not the Undocmented Migrant Worker kind, just to be clear)
What's up with those Betelguessian parking meters? Why are they always buzzing? Am I right? Am I right? Anyone here from Andromeda?
Carlos Mencia (here represented by an angry retard, which is not far off when you really think about it)
DURRR! DURR! I'm funny! DURRH! I have a TV show and you don't! DURRHRHRH!! You're all just whiny bitches!

 

by ComedyGeek
11-25-09
And now, to finally confront the person responsible for all these... oh, hello.
Hi. I'm Steve.
Hi there Steve. Say, have you seen a deadly supervillain around?
That would be me.
Excuse me please? YOU are the villain behind all the terrible crimes committed lately? The one I've sworn to defeat or die trying? YOU?
I can see you'll need time to adjust your preconceptions.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-26-09
But you can't be the supervillain responsible for all those hideous crimes!
Why not?
Because you're not a supervillain! You're just some guy!
You mean I'm not some nancy-boy in a flamboyant costume prancing about issuing dramatic declaratives and blowing up the scenery?
Well, when you put it that way... wait a minute, that could describe me!
The truth hurts, doesn it?

 

by ComedyGeek
11-27-09
So are you trying to conquer the world and make "those fools" kneel before you and grovel at your feet?
Nope.
Did I wrong you in some way in the past that caused you to swear to wreak cold hard revenge on me and all my kind?
Not that I can recall, no.
So basically, you're just in it for the evil.
Yup.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-28-09
So you don't have any superpowers?
That is correct.
I do. I have like, lots. Super strength, super speed, nigh-invulnerability, and I can lower your cell phone bill by as much as $20/month.
That's a superpower?
No, it's Verizon. They're a sponsor.
Nice to know you're keeping it pure.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-29-09
So here I am, with my Wonder Champion powers, and you with..
*snrk* I'm sorry... your WHAT?
My WONDER CHAMPION powers?
BWA HA HA HA HA! That's seriously what you call yourself? WONDER CHAMPION? Sounds like a high-fibre children's cereal!
This coming from a guy called STEVE who didn't even know who his ARCH NEMESIS was?
Arch nemesis? Please. You're just the first to make it this far. Besides, your type all looks the same to me anyhow.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-30-09
Look, can we get back on topic here...?
WONDER CHAMPION! More like WANKER CHUMP, you bumptious bivalve!
BUMPTIOUS BIVALVE? Wait a minute.... you're not the tres-cool "indie" supervillain "Steve"....
Oh crap...
You're the POISON CLAM! You're like, the lamest supervillain ever! BWA HA HA!
Curses!

 

by ComedyGeek
12-01-09
BWA HA HA indeed! You're the Poison Clam? The supervillain voted most likely to get sucked into a vent?
*sigh* Yes, I am.
And do you have, like, ANYTHING to do with the crimes I've been investigating?
No. I just figured out where you'd be heading next and took the bus here.
BWA HA HA HA HA!! Oh, you had me going there for a minute, but this... this is rich.
Could you just arrest me already? My legs are cold.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-02-09
ARREST you? You haven't even done anything ILLEGAL yet. What's the charge, Lameness With Intent To Annoy?
You don't have to rub it in so hard!
OK, OK, you're right. And after all, you DID figure out where I'd be. That's no small accomplishment.
Google Earth helped out a little.
Tell you what. I'll fly you home.
Can we stop by Save-on? I'm out of clamato.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-03-09
After their encounter, Wonder Champion went on to solve the mysterious series of brutal crimes that had brought them together.
I'm here to cancel your stamp, Postmaster!
Through snow, sleet, rain, and the dark of night, I'll have my revenge, Wonder Champion!
Poison Clam never ventured into supervillainy again. except as the occasional icebreaker with goth chicks at his office temp gigs.
You used to be a supervillain? OMG, that is SO COOL!
Yup. I can show you my costume after work... it's at my place...my "lair", if you will.
The rocky location of their encounter remained untouched until becoming the setting for a bizarre experimental porno in the year 2014.
I'm here with your "special present", Master!
Excellent! Now get out of those clothes and grease up Rudolph for me, boy!

 

by ComedyGeek
12-04-09
THIS IS THE WORST HOME MAKEOVER SHOW EVER!
Don't you like our "Victorian Style" renovations, sir?
You replaced all my light switches with huge brass knife switches and my toilet is now a crude construction of stained wood and crude rivets!
You wanted "Victorian", sir, and that's what you've got. Maybe you should complain to my boss... here he is now!
INDIE ASHTON KUTCHER!
Congratulations, dude, you just got STEAMPUNK'D!

 

by ComedyGeek
12-05-09
I'm telling ya, I got the worst luck in the world.
Oh yeah? How you figure that?
Well, like take the other night. I rented this porno called "Anal Intruders".
Oh yeah? Sounds hot!
Hot my un-intruded ass! It was about two dudes who break into people's houses and clean!
Do they at least do it naked?

 

by ComedyGeek
12-06-09
A scene from the year 2059
You should try some of this Algic Soy Hydroponic Swiss Metamorphic Neo-Frankian Semi-Fluid Latacchiatocino.
What flavour is it?
Arctic Boysenberry Ulta Neon Chocolate Turkish Pineapple Freudian Banana Bacon Ripple Maximum Extreme Corn.
Oh. Then I'll pass.
Oh? How come?
I only like Arctic Boysenberry Ulta Neon Chocolate Turkish Pineapple Freudian Banana Bacon Ripple EXTRA Extreme Corn.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-07-09
Good afternoon, M'am! Would you like to interview me?
Um.... what?
This is your chance to interview a famous person like myself and ask whatever questions you like!
Uh, I dunno....
Like, for instance, "What kind of a raging nutbar goes around asking people to interview him?"
...yeah, OK. Let's do it.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-08-09
Give me the detonator, Jacobs!
NEVER! I'll see you in HELL, pig!
What the...
Told ya!

 

by ComedyGeek
12-09-09
Our guest tonight is Matt Resstag, founder of the Raw Food movement, and he has an announcement to make.
Yes. I'd like to announce the founding of the "Swallowed Food" movement. From now on, chewing your food is "out".
That's quite a radical step. What gave you the inspiration for this move?
Two weeks ago, I was chewing a handful of unprocessed granola when I realized.. "I'm processing my food right now!" And that's just WRONG.
Two weeks ago? And you're just announcing it now?
I just got out of the hospital for a completely unrelated case of esophogeal blockages and small intestine ruptures.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-10-09
When you combine the people who brought you "Stomp! " with "Puppetry of the Penis", you get... SQUIRT!
Warning : the first three rows WILL get wet.
Or the ethinc comedy of Eddie Edowitz! "The cantor at my synygogue is hoping to get promoted to a trot!"
Oy.
And for the kids, there's the adventures of little Millie Mole in "Child Mole Station"!
They really need a new URL.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-11-09
Dammit, man, we've got to fix this plot hole now!
I'm trying, Captain, but the suspension of disbelief is already strained... one wrong move and this whole episode will dissolve into total bullshit!
Dammit, man, can't we just use another plot device?
We've used too many already, Captain. That last McGuffin alone... Hmm. We COULD fire up the B-Cannon.
Dammit, man, isn't that dangerous?
Nah. If we don't like the effects, we can always just ignore them and pretend they never happened.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-12-09
Uh.... say, sonny.... suck your dick for a dollar.
But... I don't HAVE a dollar.
Oh, well, then here ya go.
Hey, thanks man.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-12-09
Say, sonny.... suck your dick for a dollar?
No thank you.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-13-09
Hey ladies! Want to talk with a hot guy who can give you what you REALLY need?
You bet!
Then call the Listen Line, where a sexy man with a sexy voices will listen to you, sympathize without trying to solve the problem, and even trade dating horror stories with you!
OMG, wow! How do I do it?
Dial 1-900-GOOD-MEN and press 1 for the Listen Line! Do not press 2, as that will get you our hot gay chat line the Leather Stallions instead. What are you waiting for? Call now!
I'm gonna wait till I'm, um, alone.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-14-09
So, how much was the damages this time?
$10,000 just for the windows and the signs. Probably just as much for lost stock and broken displays.
Jesus, that's worse than the last two times combined.
Yup. But hey, the $75 in small bills and change they would have taken? Totally safe.
You know, you should just tell that crazy rogue cop not to bother "saving" you from robbers any more.
Yeah, right. YOU tell him.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-15-09
OK, so what's this big announcement you had to come to my workplace to tell me?
Well, honey, you know how you've always bugging me to get in touch with my more sensitive and feminine side?
Uh huh....
Well, it finally worked!
It did? Well that's great!
Yup. I'm gay now. And I'm leaving you for my Pilates trainer, Sven.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-16-09
And now, on Channel 3, Home Of the Reacharound News Van, we go to the scene of an unusual protest with everyone's favorite on the spot reporter, Duffer Slice!
So, what are your demands?
We demand that all political issues be forced, by law, to become simple, easy to understand, and with obvious black and white solutions!
Are you trying to strike a blow for the common man, who can no longer keep up with the increasingly complex modern world?
No, mostly we just want to put Fox News out of business.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-17-09
So, Spanksy, you've uh.... been around, right?
Sweetie, I've done it all. Fisting, watersports, dog play, pony play, emetophilia, Republicanism, Japanese rope bondage shota cosplay...
So have you ever been to a place called... The Manhole?
GOOD LORD, no. I mean, that place is CRAZY. Even I have my limits. Plus, they charge way too much to get in.
You mean....
Yes. The Manhole has a cover. A heavy one, too.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-18-09
To the tune of "The Christmas Song"
This one's for you, Satan!
A one, and a two, and a six six six, and...
Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire... Jack Frost ripping off his nose...
Carols screeched by an unholy choir... And folks drip blood from head to toe...
Everybody knows.... a pitchfork jammed between your toes... helps to make your Dark Lord's night...
So though it's been said, many times many ways... Merry Christmas... Merry Chistmas... YOU'RE DOOOOOMED!

 

by ComedyGeek
12-19-09
The District Attorney has approached the bench, and... what's this?
I had no idea it had gotten this bad.
OH MY GOD! While the judge is distracted, the ADA is showing the jury pictures of the defendant's porn collection!
You know times are tough...
In all my years of announcing, I've never seen anything so prejudicial!
...when Court TV has to merge with the WWE.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-20-09
S-s-so what's it like, b-being a ghost and all?
All and all, it's not too bad. Being dead relieves you of an awful lot of stress, and when I'm bored haunted the site of my horrible demise, I can visit Heaven.
Y-y-y-you can go to Heaven?
Sure, any time I want. But only as a visitor, so, no real privileges or anything. Not until I finish the Earthly business which binds me to this mortal realm.
W-w-what is that?
Heck if I know. I've got this glass...maybe I was looking for a cocktail? Hey, got any liquor on you? It's worth a shot!

 

by ComedyGeek
12-21-09
Hey, Hank! If people from Norway are called Norwegians, what are people from Amway called?
Amwegians?
OK, then how about people from the United Way?
United Wegians!
So people who work at Subway are... ?
Subwegians! Or Subs for short, of course.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-22-09
Coming soon on the Hilarity Network, it's "Mean People"!"
Oh, this can't be good.
On "Mean People", we don't just do horribly cruel things to innocent people, we laugh at them afterwards!
Oh, fuck...
Remember, the only thing funnier than other people's pain is causing that pain yourself!
NOT FUNNY JUST MEAN.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-23-09
A fun game for the surreal. Ask people the follwing question :
Hey, would you like to play the Completely Pointless Game?
Um...
If they say yes :
Then congratulations! You win!
Um... yay?
Is they say no :
Awww. You lose. Better luck next time.
WTF?

 

by ComedyGeek
12-26-09
OK, well this interview is nearly complete. Do you have any references?
Sure. Um... "Back... and to the left. "..."French fried potaters".... "One does not simply walk into Mordor. " "You had me at 'Hello'."
Very good. Any more?
Let's see. "Someone set us up the bomb. "... "Bite my shiny metal ass. " "Duke sucks. " and um.... "More cowbell!"?
Those are fairly out-of-date. Anything more recent?
Uh... "Balloon Boy"?

 

by ComedyGeek
12-27-09
TONIGHT! On the Dadaist Wrestling League! It's the Frozen Pancake versus The Collective Wisdom of Spain!
Wrestling? Oh please.... wait, what?
Then it's tag-team mayhem when Three Litres of Gecko Blood go up against A Pair Of Whale Turds!
And finally, the match you've waited all year to see, Eye of the Potato seeking revenge against Involuntary Freedom!
OK, that I've got to see.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-28-09
Post-Election Analysis Special!
First, the conservative. How was your campaign?
Great! I scared the people with imaginary threats to their material wealth and safetty from which only I could protect them.
And how'd that go?
Won by a landslide via dirty tricks, appealing to people's basest emotions, and demonizing my opponents shamelessly and without mercy.
Fantastic! And now, the liberal. How was your campaign?
Well, I spoke in broad platitudes that made folks feel like nice people without bothering them with a lot of complicated details and plans.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-28-09
Awww. And how'd that go?
Well, I came in dead last, but that's OK because my ideals don't mean enough to me to risk even a moment of not looking like a nice guy. Plus, power scares me.
No doubt. Well, that's both sides, so this must be the end... wait wait... there's some other guy here... I'm told he's a.... mad rat?
That's "moderate". I asked people to think calmly about sensible and effective solutions to our problems based on what actually works.
Good lord. You lost me at "think". And how did that go?
I survived three assination attempts by the liberals and conservatives in order to come in dead last, right behind the "Name Every Baby Hitler" party.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-29-09
Wow, it sure is dark tonight.
"Serial Killing For Dummies. Chapter 15 : Prelude To A Kill."
Kinda cold too, in just this evening dress.
"By now, you have barricaded the door and have trapped your Victim inside your Lair with you. " Wait, INSIDE? Aw crap!
We could go inside and warm up if you hadn't nailed your front door shut for some reason.
"Chapter 16b : So You've Trapped Yourself Outside Your Lair...."

 

by ComedyGeek
12-30-09
Hi there folks! Don't worry, we'll get right back to tonight's "Night Owl" late night movie, "The Boy Who Thought Too Much", in just a minute.
But first... studies have shown that anyone awake at this hour probably has a long history of making poor life choices.
So in that spirit, let me tell you about this fantastic system for selling real estate with no money down!

 

by ComedyGeek
12-31-09
Surrender your taxes to H&R Giger. We mostly do your taxes at night... mostly.
Creepy.
I'm the Anal-Retentive Cowboy... and I'm here to clean up this town.
Nice.
..and in other news, comedian Dennis Miller experienced a moment of true sincerity this morning, and exploded.
Finally.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-01-10
Hey Hank, I just saw the most AMAZING commercial!
Really, Petunia ? Tell me all about it!
It turns out that just because an object is made of GOLD, it's actually worth MONEY!
Wait, you're saying that all that scrap gold and jewel-encrusted tableware I have lying around is worth MONEY?
I know, it sounds crazy, but the guy who owns the company says it's true! All you have to do is send him gold, and he'll send you some money!
My god, quick, pack up all these Fabrege eggs before this madman comes to his senses!

 

by ComedyGeek
1-02-10
Hey. I'm back.
Welcome home. How was the nudist party?
Pretty cool, actually. That's one relaxed group of people.
Oh yeah? What all did you do all night?
Mostly sat around playing dress poker.
Looks like you gained your shirt, too.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-03-10
Hank, what does "acronym" stand for?
...
A Couple of Really Obvious Names You Memorize.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-04-10
Um.... hello there.
Hi there little puppy. My, but you're a cute one, aren't you?
Um yeah. Comes with being a puppy... in people clothes... on a ball..
I bet you'd like to come home with me and get your tummy rubbed, would't you?
Uh, no. I'm pretty sure I'd hate that, actually. A lot. Fucking furries.
I've got a very special bone for you to play with too... but you have to promise not to bite...

 

by ComedyGeek
1-05-10
And now, back to "The Small Wonder Years".
"Dad didn't say anything, and I didn't say anything, but we both knew what this meant. He no longer saw me as just a robot. "
"He saw me as a real little girl. And though I'll always treasure that moment, it also meant an end to my robotic innocence. "
These mashups are getting a lot better.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-06-10
Greetings from the Sunny South! Migration's a bitch. Anyhow...you'll never guess what I just learned. You humans have a think called Ducks Unlimited. Sounds like they love us, doesn't it?
Turns out, it's actually a bunch of HUNTERS who want to make sure there's lots of ducks for them to SHOOT AND KILL! Is that some sick-ass shit or what?
What's next? The KKK starts Niggers Unlimited? Shit.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-07-10
From the makers of EuroAir comes the ultimate in bottled water purity, Distal!
Icy mountain streams? Fine... if you don't mine drinkin FISH POOP. Only Distal is 100 percent H2O, nothing else!
So stop settling for "almost" pure, and drink Distal today. So pure you can almost taste it!
Great, now I'm going to be thinking about fish poop every time I go to the trough.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-08-10
Quick! Turn to channel 327 and start recording! It'll be on in a few minutes!
What will be on?
"Hot Sluts And Large Dogs 3"!
Oh my god, do you know what this means?
We'll get to complete the trilogy! We'll finally know how it ends!
If she doesn't marry him, she's a fool!

 

by ComedyGeek
1-09-10
Hi there folks! The Comedy Geek here, stepping out from behind the curtain today because there's something I want you to do.
Listen up folks, because this is big.
I want you to stop what you're going right now and go to www.moveyourmoney.info and watch the video there. Then click on the "Find A Bank Or Credit Union" link and MOVE YOUR MONEY.
This is really important, and you'll be really glad you did it.
Politicians have failed. This is the only way to hit those "too big to fail" bastards where it hurts.
And once you've moved your money and see how good it'll feel, tell all your friends and everyone you know to do the same. Tell them Hank sent you.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-10-10
Where do you see yourself in this company in five years?
I'm hoping to start in customer support and work my way up through QA to be on the design team. So I guess the answer is "In game design".
Good, good. That's our usual career path. I started in customer support myself, before they kicked me upstairs to admin. Salary?
Yes please. Ha ha. Seriously though, the amount listed on the monster.com ad seemed quite generous. I'd be happy with that, it's above industry standard.
We try to stay competitive. You're just never going to react to the fact that I'm a bat, are you?
Sir, I need this job so bad, you could be on fire and I wouldn't bat an eye. No pun intended.

 

by ComedyGeek
1-11-10
The Genre Writer's Dilemma
Orcs? Elves? Magic? That's so lame! I hate fantasy, I only like science fiction!
Relax, the "orcs" and "elves" are actually advanced alien races, and the "magic" is actually mega-potent psi powers!
Oh, well, that's cool then. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to read it.
Thanks! I'll email it to you when I'm done.
I heard that! You're writing science fiction! I hate science fiction, I only like fantasy!
But dude, it has orcs, elves, and magic!

 

by ComedyGeek
1-12-10
Conan O'Brien said in a statement released today that he will not host the Tonight show if it's moved to 12:05.
Go Team Conan! I'm glad Conan is sticking up for himself in this.
Twitter has been inundated with tweets in support of Conan's stance.
I mean, who the fuck is Leno to go demanding the Tonight show move just so he can have his old time slot back with his lame new show?
Leno's new show has been doing poorly in the ratings battle, barely beating out a show about cooking with household molds.
Fuck you, Jay Leno, you lukewarm hack. The Tonight Show is an institution. You're a cruise ship comedian at best. Go choke on a Dorito. Don't worry, they'll make more.

Showing page 6.

« Previous Next »