All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Reality therapy? ...You've gotta be kidding!
Everything you've said so far has been bullshit...
So why change now?

 

Name today's mystery meat and get a free bowl of chili.
With as many times as I have been fucked by this restaurant...
I'm gonna guess horse cock.

 

You gonna drink that?
The wine?
Yeah.
No way!
Why not?
I'm already lit.

 

Velveeta, velveeta, velveeta... Haven't you ever heard of Camembert?
No...
But I've heard of Decon you little bitch.

 

This computer is a very advanced model... It plans its own obsolescence!
To bad this technology can't be applied to something more useful...
Like congressmen.

 

*ring*
...I'm not home right now... Please leave a message at the sound of the 'SQUAWK'!
Perry? Are you answering the phone again? Talk to me Perry!
Yeah bitch, it's me. You like it when I talk to you, don't you? Just like you like it when I stick my parrot pecker up your tight little ass while I smack it with a paddle. Yeah, you want more...
Hey Perry.
Hey Ziggy. Your mom called.

 

Career Counselor
...Look on the bright side... At least you're not overqualified for anything!
Well I may be overqualified...
to be a career counselor.

 

Hey! You rock!
Go hang yourself!

 

This is where I was born.
The doctor who delivered me now works at the mall.
Excuse me, Miss? Why are all of these hangers bloody?

 

...Our super-saver special today is breadsticks and ice water!
Just because I'm a short, bald, old guy eating dinner at 4 in the afternoon by myself does not mean that I want your cheap ass super-saver special.
Very well sir. What can I get you then?
I'll have the super-saver special.

 

Airlines
...if you can't find my luggage, why is that shirt so familiar?
I'm not sure what you mean sir.
I mean you either stole my luggage...
or you're the guy I was donkey punching in my hotel room all night.

 

What's up doc?
My ewection.
Uhhhh... duck season?
That rabbit's despicable!

 

Garage
Your car should be all right now! ...Just don't hit any speed bumps for a while!
And you're charging me $2500 for this...
Do you consider yourself a speed bump?

 

Obedience School
...You're not pledging any fraternities!
You already have everything a fraternity can offer at home...
The way you sneak drinks of my beer and dry hump my leg!

 

Relax... the Somali pirates aren't anywhere NEAR here!
It's not the Somali pirates I'm worried about...
It's Ziggy being a butt pirate that keeps me up at night.

 

We're late honey. Come on. What's taking so long?
I'm just flicking the bean.
We've talked about this. You can't start doing that right before we have to leave.
I'll be out in a minute.
Ouch! Cut it out lady! Quit flicking me!

 

What is that sheep doing under your bed? Are you a sheep fucker? Is that what you're in here for?
If you must know...
AAAAGGGHHHH!
BAAAAAAAAAA! *stab*
It's a lamb shank bitch!

 

Worst
Comic
Entry
Ever!

 

...so then we decided to go camping down by the lake where my uncle keeps his motorboat so we could go jet skiing and Rachel said that she couldn't...
...so finally we used the oak leaves to wipe away the poison --- Hey! I feel like all you've done tonight is stare at my tits. Have you even heard a word I said?
Motorboat.

 

I can make a potion to cure your husband's cancer. I just need you to bring me the blood of a virgin.
Great news honey! Sarah started her period today and I got her first used tampon!
This scrapbooking shit has gone too far.

 

My boyfriend's in the waiting room doctor. He's too embarrassed to come in here with me.
What seems to be the problem?
He cries after sex, he lets his mother tell him what to do, and he won't defend me when other guys hit on me at the clubs.
Sounds like he needs a therapist. I'm just an OBGYN. What can I do?
Just look at him and tell me if he really is a pussy.

 

So this guy comes in and says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." So I told him to stop doing it.
Oh, doctor! You're so witty. So what happened?
He died.
Why?
Because it hurt when he breathed in.

 

How'd it go at the doctor's?
That damn doctor's trying to give me AIDS!
What!?
I knew there was something fishy going on as he would always have me pull down my pants and make me bend over his table while he stuck his you-know-what in my you-know-where.
I think he was talking about your hearing.
You bet your sweet ass there will be a hearing!

 

Wanna play doctor?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that.
Katie's mom just called. Do you know where Katie is?
She's in the bathroom. Which reminds me, we need more ice for the bathtub and to find someone who needs a pair of 12-year-old kidneys.

 

Well little duck, it looks like you have a sprained wing.
QUACK!
Don't call me that! I'm a licensed professional with a great on-line veterinarian degree, so if we could get on with the examination...
QUACK!
I'm sorry, but your pet duck didn't make it.

 

Damn thee, lusty wench! You have besought upon me that which makes my loins burn like that of hell's fury.
But do I dareth enter that door and face what lie ahead?
Alas, to pee or not to pee...

 

To find yourself in peace
Look inward.
To find yourself in pieces
Look, N-word!

 

Wanna go see a movie?
Naw. Censorship has taken out all cussing, nudity and violence. Movies are now just watered down 3D cartoons.
So then what do we do?
Wanna go get waxed?
More hot wax on your "wick" sir?
Fuck yeah, mother fucker! And don't forget to light the tip on fire this time. God, you're the best damn candlestick maker EVER!

 

Happy birthday, lady.
Thanks! Wait... are you stalking me?
No. My troop is camping here. I saw you having a birthday party and figured I could get my "Help an Old Lady Cross the Street" badge.
I am a year older today but I don't think I'm old enough to help. Is there any other badge I can help you earn?
Well... if you show me your tits, it would help me pitch a tent.

 
by four_legged_tripod, 5-17-10

 

What the hell did you do that for?!
I thought that was what you wanted me to get you for your birthday.
A chili dog?! You thought I wanted you to shit on my chest for my birthday?!
Well, that's what I got from the clue you left me.
What clue?
When you told me you wanted to go camping at Lake Titicaca.

 

AUGGGHHH! It's Rape Ape!
rape ape. rape ape.
Call me.
rape ape.

 

Quick Long Dong, there's a crook coming. Change in the filing cabinet.
Now to steal the secret fi- Whoa! *trip*
That'll teach you! You picked the wrong dong to trip on!
Foiled again by Long Dong Phooey!

 

I'm sorry Johnson, but we're gonna have to let you go.
Well, you can take this job and stick it where the sun don't shine!
Sir, we just received another marketing job. What would you like me to do with it?
Give it to the Mormons, and tell them it's a marketing job for Coca-Cola products.

 

Hey Ron! It's good to see you again.
Yeah, the whole water cycle thing. I knew we'd be back to raindrops soon enough.
How was your trip? I ended up as snow on the mountains and then as drinking water for a bunch of pigs.
Not much different for me. There is one thing I would like to experience just once in my life cycle though...
You're needed back on the set Ms. Johansson.
Call me Scarlett, and I'll be out in a minute. I just need to douche with this new rain water douche by Summer's Eve first.

 

The new Nintendo
Now with Japanese tentacled sex toys!

 

I joined the "Mile High Club" last night!
Really? I had no idea that you were even considering a plane trip.
What's a plane have to do with anything?
To get in the "Mile High Club" you have to have sex on a plane while it's in flight.
Seriously? I thought you just had to fuck a chick from Denver.

 

Doctor, Gary Coleman just died from a brain hemorrhage.
Are you sure it wasn't an ischemic?
Yep. It was a brain hemorrhage.
What about a hemorrhagic, thrombotic, embolic, or uh, uh, uh...
What's wrong doctor, can't think of the word?
No, I just can't think of any other diff'rent strokes.

 

Welcome to the River Styx Mr. Hopper. You need to calm down as a passenger, or should I say, you need to take it "Easy Rider."
Ha ha. Very funny. I get it.
This tunnel will take you to your afterlife destination. Don't rush down the tunnel. You need to be careful and watch your "Speed" or you'll "Crash."
I swear, I'm gonna punch the next guy who makes a movie or tv reference right in the jaw!
Hey, Dennis! "Hoosier" daddy?
...please let that be Gary Coleman, please let that be Gary Coleman, please let that be...

 

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses... That is, of course, as long as they're not of Middle eastern decent or speak only Spanish.
¡Aw. Dora está triste!
by four_legged_tripod, 6-02-10

 

Hey, I got that Viagra you wanted.
Great! I'll take it now and be ready to make love to my wife as soon as I get home.
What the hell? Why is my whole body getting bigger?
Maybe because deep down you know you're a real dick, you office coffee stealing Asian prick!
Hey, just because your penis is still slightly larger than mine at this very moment does not give you the right to be a little bitch right now!

 

You called m'lord?
Yes. My celebrity trifecta is almost complete. I have Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper. Who else can you get me?
How 'bout a Golden Girl?
Excellent. But it better be Betty White. Need I remind you of what happened to your asshole the last time you brought me that bitch Bea Arther?
Um, I think I hear me mum calling sir. Can I get back to you on that?

 

Was it an ischemic, hemorrhagic, thrombotic--
Look Doc, it was a massive stroke. It was Rue McClanahan this time not Gary Coleman.
So no more "D'ferent Strokes" jokes?
No.
I guess we're left with no other choice than to piss on her body and make her a real "Golden Girl" then!

 

Hello, Crime Stoppers?
Yeah?
I just heard that if I call you and give you a tip that leads to a criminal arrest, you'll pay me without even asking my name.
That's right.
Then how would you know who to make the check out to?

 

Sheep is on the lookout for revenge!
Where the hell is that farmer's market?
Noooo! It's the "Farmer Fucker!"
I'll make you my ewe!

 

Please "Farmer Fucker," be gentle!
This doesn't feel right...
One box of lamb skin condoms please.
Oh, now that's better! I'll make you my ewe!

 

I'm the "Farmer Fucker!" I'll make you my ewe!
Well, I'm no farmer, but I'm game.
Dear god, they're right!
I'll be a black sheep from now on.

 

Why do you love me?
Lot of reasons.
Name them.
Well, you're smart. You make me laugh. I love your brown eyes...
...all three of them.

 

 

Honey, are you done with the computer?
Yeah, I was just on that stripcreator site and I think you should change your user name. You're not really crabby at all. It takes a lot to get you upset and pissed off.
I suppose you're right, but I'm not going to create another alias just to change my persona. I'll just be a few minutes. I need to update the Comic Cup.
Wait! I forgot to log off of my account!
What the hell?! YOU'RE gabe_motherfucking_billings?!
My bad, I guess crabby's not dead. It just seems that way given how long this fucking CC is taking and the smell is just crabby's natural B.O. Nothing personal crabby. I still love you.

Showing page 6.

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