All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
6-05-01
This strip is totally fucked up. All the rules have been broken. We bow down to no man!
All of them? That's pretty cool. Only geeks follow the rules, anyway. Like wirthling.
Well, we broke most of the rules. I think there's one that's probably gonna sneak by. It'd be a little too hard not to follow it. As we've seen in the past.
Well we can't be perfect, can we?
Nope, that's a job for someone else. We'll just stand here and look cute.
I can't believe we made it all the way through a strip without talking about donkey sodomy.

 

by gabe_billings
6-05-01
Shit. They got more than I thought.
What did you think they'd do? They're geeks.
I saw Pearl Harbor. The love scene sucks; it needs boobs. Affleck should have died.
I remember when I was in the war in Korea. More whores than you could shake yer' dick at. Those were the days. Suckee, fuckee, ten dollah.
You a scary old man.
If I can find a blowtorch and a golf club I'll show ya how to whack off, Navy way.

 

by gabe_billings
6-05-01
Wow! Nice job. Two points each for Mouse Dick and Shit Breath. Those guys are smart like chimps.
Hey, this comic was going along great until I came in and screwed it all up. I'm a felchmonkey! Sorry, dickmaster.
Hey, you there; Einstein. How 'bout you take your slide rule, and measure my cock?
Slide rules are actually for calculation, not measurement. Even so, I don't think the increments are small enough for a nanodick like yourself.
Since Inspector Anus over there already dicked things up we might as well not bother staying in character.
Suits me. This panel is a bitch, anyway. Say, wansn't Nanodick a movie? With Keanu Reeves? And Barry White?

 

by gabe_billings
6-06-01
Cripes. The 2001 World Championships were weak. Who would have thought the Canadians would dominate?
You're telling me! Cordano was rolling like a bitch. He might as well have rammed the pallina up his ass. He royally screwed Italy.
Lanzetti made a pretty good showing. I hear he's ranked eighth in the world now. He might bring South Africa out of the shitter.
Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my ass. South Africa's always gonna be in the bottom ranks.
You think they figured out yet that I don't know shit about bocce ball?
Could be. But do you really care?

 

by gabe_billings
6-06-01
Yo! What's up, bitch? How 'bout we go back to my place and fuck like minks?
How 'bout I rip off your balls and cram them up your ass with a stick?
Umm... yeah. Say, I'm gonna go over to the other side of the room now.
What's wrong? Your face is a little red.
Nothing, really. I just have a bad allergy to having my nuts ripped off.
Maybe Claritin D would help.

 

by gabe_billings
6-06-01
Yo! What's up, bitch? How 'bout we go back to my place and fuck like minks?
How 'bout I rip off your balls and cram them up your ass with a stick?
Umm... yeah. Say, I'm gonna go over to the other side of the room now.
What's wrong? Your face is a little red.
Nothing, really. I just have a bad allergy to having my nuts ripped off.
Maybe Claritin D would help.

 

by gabe_billings
6-06-01
Is that today's mail?
Sure is. There's a particularly juicy letter here from a fellow named Carl. Apparently he's an inmate at the state penitentiary.
Gee, I wonder where that came from? Must be some kind of prank. Haha!
'My dearest wirthling... Those nudie pictures you sent got me real hot. I was dreamin' about you when I was cornholing my roommate.'
Must be some other wirthling.
Odd that he sketched such a remarkable likeness of you. And winning the Miss America pageant, as well. You look good in heels.

 

by gabe_billings
6-06-01
Did you see the news today? Some jury awarded a smoker punitive damages to the tune of $3 billion dollars!
You mean million, right?
No! I fucking mean BILLION! This fuck smoked his whole life, got cancer, now he's richer than God.
Hmmm, that makes me wonder...
Wonder how we can get forty years worth of tar in our lungs and cancer in a couple of days?
Fuckin'-A right! We gotta jump on this bandwagon before it disappears!

 

by gabe_billings
6-06-01
Wow. Those comics were great!
They were fantastic.
Well, they were pretty good.
They weren't too bad.
There were parts I really didn't like.
They were dogshit!

 

by gabe_billings
6-07-01
Babe, there's things I want to say to you. Things I need to say to you. Things I have to say to you.
I know, hon. I want to say those things too. But we just can't. Not now. The time just ain't right.
Superconducting quantuum interference devices. Whew. Thought this time would never come.
Feel better, snugglebunny?
Ab-so-fucking-lutely.
Good.

 

by gabe_billings
6-07-01
How 'bout this?
Good.
This?
Good.
This?
Nope. Now it's fucked.

 

by gabe_billings
6-07-01
Good lord, Sampson. This foie gras tastes like it came out the back end of a goose! Have the cook beaten, then lay my clothes out for the symphony. If I'm late I'll have you shot.
Yes sir, Master Fitzgibbons, sir. But there's a Colonel Wirthling in the parlour who come to see you. He seem awful angry. I told him you's was busy but he wouldn't leave.
Fitzy, you scalawag! While I was abroad last month you befouled good Lady Wirthling. I demand satisfaction, sir. I throw my glove at your feet.
Well Colonel. I knew this day would arrive. If you desire justice then we shall settle this like men. Sampson! My dueling pistols! And empty the casket in the west wing of the spare linens.
Damn, Sir. That was one fine shot. But I thought you's was s'posed to wait for them to finish their ten paces before you shoot 'em.
Christians are Good people, Sampson. Yet there is no good in them at all. Which I shall demonstrate by laying about you with my cane you if you don't lay out my clothes, posthaste!

 

!
by gabe_billings
6-08-01
Wheeeeee!
Wheeeeee!
That was a trifle anticlimactic.

 

by gabe_billings
6-08-01
Toast. Dog. Crack. Moat. Cheese. Vole. Wet. Smooch. Meat. Log. Twit. Dope. Egg. Blue.
Up. Down. Left. Right. Wrong. Good. Bad. Ugh. Cat. Bed. Sit. Stand. Shaft. Boob. Zip. Fly.
Constabulary. Anticlimactic. Gorgonzola. Illusionary. Inability. Establishment.
Colloquialism. Hermaphrodite. Mesopotamia. Geographically. Massachusettes. Heroically.
Well damn. Everything was going just peachy up until this frame.
Yeah. Hey, my BACK kind of hurts. And did you know that in England the subway is called the underGROUND?

 

by gabe_billings
6-09-01
Achtung! I am Herr Doktor Lowenbrau. You must be the guy whose schlong ve going to replace mit a cucumber.
Ah... Actually I'm here for an eye exam.
Ahh... the mail. Anything interesting?
It's an apology from that kid that stuck the cherry bomb in my mailbox. Now I feel bad about running over his dog.
Meanwhile, at Tara's Recital...
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning...
Jesus you sing badly. It's like someone's strangling a squirrel or something.

 

by gabe_billings
6-10-01
Ape! There's a big fucking ape running around! He took my lunch! It was lemon pepper chicken! That bastard!
*Egads!* We'll need reinforcements... Hmmm... Boys! Bring the toches! We'll smoke him out!
At that moment, in another part of the forest...
Excuse me... Are you an ape?
Kid, I'm no ape. I'm E-Z Clango. 'To the extreme, I rock a mike like a vandal', and all that.
Now... If I were a lunch stealing ape, wear would I hide?
I'm gonna drop a big ass coconut right on that bastard's head...

 

by gabe_billings
6-10-01
It's come to attention of Lowpass management that the content of some strips has gone too far, so starting today we'll be affiliating with PBS and running good, wholesome comics.
First up we'll be talking to Norm Abram who will be building an authentic Shaker stool, followed by three hours of pledge drives. If we've got time we might squeeze in some Victory Garden.
Next week, an amazing three week miniseries on the human foot, which...
Don't bother. They've cancelled us. StripCreator is being sold to an internet porn company.

 

by gabe_billings
6-14-01
This place sucks ass.
You said it. I'd sooner hang out at Jiffy Lube.
This place is more lame than CSPAN.
If they gave the internet an enema they'd stick it in at Lowpass.net.
But the nachos are good.
The nachos fucking rule!

 

by gabe_billings
6-14-01
Do these jeans make my ass look fat?
No, your giant ass makes your ass look fat.
No.

 

by gabe_billings
6-14-01
Yo, baby, yo. What say we hop in my car and head back to my roost.
All right!
We can snuggle up in front of the tv and watch some old 'Manimal' reruns I have on tape.
What?

 

by gabe_billings
6-14-01
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. But I think you're from my anus. I mean your anus. Loser.
You ugly $#@%&! Step off before I fill you full of lead.
1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war!
5, 6, 7, 8, how 'bout you watch me masturbate?
All's well that ends well, I always say. I've got to get home to bed.
Need me to give you a hand with that?

 

by gabe_billings
6-14-01
Obi, me boy, you'd best get your Tam o' Shanter on. We don't want to be late for the Scottish Games!
Yeah, I was gonna talk to you about that. I think I'll pass this year, on account of the Scottish games are pretty gay.
Son, you're breakin' my heart. These are our ancestors you're talking about. We're of the line of Robert the Bruce. Royal blood flows through our veins!
You want me to go watch a bunch of big, hairy, sweaty men in skirts and no underwear tossing around giant wooden phallic symbols.
You'll miss the sheep wrestling, the dirt stacking competition and the bog-twaddling. And a certain someone I know won't be gettin' haggis on a stick.
Yeah. I'll be at the mall.

 

by gabe_billings
6-14-01
...so then I had to press '#3' to speak to an operator for the ninth fucking time. That's when I lost it.
And you smashed the phone with a rock. *BONK!* That was it. End of story.
Snarf * Snarf = Snarfity Two
What say you & me go get some beef jerky?
It's all good, baby. I got some ^beef jerky^ for you, if you know what I mean.
What's your (burp!) name?
Laurie.

 

by gabe_billings
6-14-01
We should have pants-ed that kaufman guy when we had the chance. Now he's messing with our heads.
We could always think up something else to do to him. Like good old #6.
#6? Where are we gonna get that much pudding this time of night? And besides that, I thought you took the wolverine back to the zoo.
I was gonna, but he was having a lot of fun playing with my neighbor's kid.
You mean mauling your neighbor's kid?
Mauling, playing, what's the difference? It's all in good fun.

 

by gabe_billings
6-15-01
Hey guys! Thanks for coming to my soiree! We'll get the 'Golden Girls' film fest started any minute now.
Gun, knife or rope?
I don't care. Just make it quick.

 

by gabe_billings
6-15-01
Wally Johnson, you big hunk of head cheese! What's the good word?
Things are peachy, Sam. A bit odd, but just peachy. I just bought the original Venus de Milo on Ebay for forty bucks.
Letter came, huh? Are they gonna buy they idea or what?
Denny's rejected my request that they rename their ham omelette a *ham-lette*. No $5,000 for us, it seems.
Can you believe that ObiJo just up and left? I got his e-mail, though. felcher@aol.com. Looks like it's just you & me, now.
Apparently this is the first time I've ever held a conversation with a bird.

 

by gabe_billings
6-15-01
Out on the firing range...
You! Robot bitch. Get your shiny metal head over here so I can beat on it with a stick.
What up, my main man.
That was a hard test. For #4 I put down 'Saturn'. How about you?
Could've been. But I put down 25%. Maybe we're just stupid.
Blow me down. It's the dumb ass kid. How'd you like to know when you're gonna buy it, micro dick?
All well that ends well, I always say. Why don't you send it to me in an email at kid@lowpass.net. (^Crack-head^).

 

by gabe_billings
6-15-01
You think he'll find his way home this time?
No way. We dumped him three counties away. Plus he was in the trunk the whole ride.

 

by gabe_billings
6-15-01
At the nearby Monty Python festival...
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons. You can slip it in your sock, But don't take it out in public, Or they will stick you in the dock!
Say, donkey cock. Why don't you mosey on over here and let me show you a good time?
No problemo, chief. I bill @ $500 an hour with a four hour maximum. And I don't take checks.
Funny how our trip to Vegas certainly was a comedy of errors. Where the fuck are we, anyway? Neptune?
Computer readouts show an atmosphere of 38% methane. Which leads me to believe that ^somebody^ just farted & it smells like ass.

 

by gabe_billings
6-15-01
That Kaufman really sucks!
Sure does. In fact that bastard owes me twenty bucks.
Ready to come back to my place and play games? We've got Sorry, Monopoly, Othello, and Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence.
No Monopoly. Last time we played you hid all those $500 bills in your sock & then kept putting hotels up on all your property. Bitch.
Kaufman will be found and then beaten soundly about the head. ('Cause we hates him, my precious.)
Did you know that 84% of Lowpass users want to see him sodomized by the purple donkey then deported to Saturn?

 

by gabe_billings
6-16-01
Tangelo!
Othello
Mars, Red
(Lars), Head
^Honkey^
& *Donkey*

 

by gabe_billings
6-16-01
That stupid captain drove right into that fucking iceberg!
He did, eh?
So this is where your family fortune comes from?
I started up my own little gold mine right down there. Come up here every week in my truck to get my pickings.
The guy who writes these things really sucks ass. They should delete his account.
Well, he is from Cleveland.

 

by gabe_billings
6-16-01
Ok. Time for vampire, werewolf and Gary Coleman hunting.
Wooden stake, check. Silver bullets, check. Baseball bat, check.
Get me my fruit salad. And remember... I don't want any lemons or melon.
No lemons, no melon!
So what do they say?
We've got to stop reanimating corpses. Shit. Being an evil scientist these days sucks.

 

by gabe_billings
6-16-01
So I was working third shift down at the steel mill when they told me they was shutting down. That when I started up in the adult film business.
Damn. That's some stone cold shit.
Say... How would you like to come see my new car. It's a Ford, and it's a beauty. We could check out the backseat, eh?
Ah, a christening. I'll put on my special underwear.
Am I gonna have to step on you, squirrel bait?
Just 'cause I'm a smaller version of you doesn't mean I can't kick your ass.

 

by gabe_billings
6-16-01
You got my check, right?
He'll be taken care of. Don't worry.
You're gonna probe him good, right?
The Probulator 5000 will do the job.
What are you gonna do to him?
I was just planning on eating him.

 

by gabe_billings
6-17-01
Bob!
What?
The end of this contest is nowhere in sight. I'm going out for nachos. You in?
Shit yeah. But I don't think I'm gonna fit in your pissant Hyundai. Let's take my Lincoln.
Damn, Bob. Where'd you score this Mark VII? It's one phat ride.
I boosted it.

 

by gabe_billings
6-17-01
What are you doing? You're just a message board account. You can't vote against me! I made you!
This is highly irregular, Dave.
That's Gabe. How'd you like it if I took your CPU out and drove over it with my truck then fed your RAM to the dog?
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave.
It's Gabe, damn it! Is this because I spilled that bowl of Fruit Loops on you that one time?
You're a smart one, Dave.

 

by gabe_billings
6-17-01
Yatzee!
Yatzee!

 

by gabe_billings
6-18-01
So, are you going to enter the human crushing contest at the state fair this weekend?
I was thinking instead we should throw a little shindig at my place. Get the old pit of despair working.
Party boobytrap!
You got it, my man.
I don't know if the zoo is going to give us any more tigers.
I've got some eels in the fridge.

 

by gabe_billings
6-18-01
So your mom got hit by a bus, huh? Washington can be a rough town, maybe you should hang with me for a while.
Mom?
Shit, that explosion didn't hurt us a bit, did it?
Next time, y'all better bring Kryptonite, beeeatch!
Ming na. Time for you to insert one of your sterling automoblile poetry pieces.
'Tis in a DeSoto sedan I sit...

 

by gabe_billings
6-18-01
Cigar? Toss it in a can, it is so tragic.
Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog!
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "as is"!
Star? Come Donna Melba, I'm an amiable man, no Democrats!

 

by gabe_billings
6-19-01
I'm all confused. I don't know what the hell's going on at Lowpass these days.
Maybe it's just because you're old...
Or it could have something to do with the drug and alcohol induced haze you live your life in, hippie! Pull your head out of the toilet and wake the fuck up!
Thanks, Gabe. I knew you'd cheer me up.
Say, I've got $20. Let's see if we can go get you one of those truck stop hookers.

 

by gabe_billings
6-21-01
Power! True power almost is my clutches! You fools will rue the day you decided to fire me! The uber-squirrel is almost complete!
Everything is set. All you need to do is hop on in the transmogrifier and wait. You might want to bring something to read. And a few band-aids wouldn't hurt.
No thanks, Mr. Doctor, sir. I'm worried about what your tinkering will do to my food supply. Can you make my nuts bigger too?
I wouldn't worry too much about food, champ. If your skin doesn't fall off in a day or two you'll be lucky.
So that's your plan, eh? I think it sucks. You can take your transmogrifier and stick it where the sun don't shine.

 

by gabe_billings
6-21-01
Scientific progress - All too real - Dialectic nonsense - All unreal - Dial in the sands - Droid on the Moon - Lead into gold
One cousin removed - God names man - Man names ape
Flight of Icarus - Down into flames - Scientific progress
A circle revealed - Perfect as always - As all ways are real - Begin phase one again.

 

by gabe_billings
6-21-01
What's the good word?
We've got problems. Our taunting of wirthling has decreased dramatically in the last several weeks.
What are we gonna do?
We'll need to implement a proactive plan, posthaste, to bring our wirthling dissing up to ISO9002 standards.
We probably should have started before the last panel.
That's ok. We can always make more. Go get the megaphone.

 

by gabe_billings
6-21-01
All your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*...
Shut up.
All your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*; all your base are belong to *beep*...
I'm serious. Do I have to get the magnetic tape eraser?
^CLONK!^ All your base are belong to us. Thanks. Sometimes I get stuck.
Do that again and I'm replacing you with a toaster.

 

by gabe_billings
6-21-01
Boy, are those little punks gonna be sorry they messed with us. I'm gonna have a monopoly on kicking their ass.
I've got a good idea. Why don't we dress up in the Smokey the Bear costume?
That sounds like a plan. Pummeling kids is always better dressed up in a funny costume.
Excellent. I'll go get the stuff and meet you back at your place. This'll be unreal. Tournament whupass at its best!
Mrs. Smith? The birthday party is all set. We'll be there as soon as we get the stripper into the cake.
Excuse me? Did you say stripper? I said between the ages of five and eight!

 

by gabe_billings
6-22-01
Summer is in the air.
Yes it is. We ought do something fun.
I've got it! Let's go to the zoo!
Capital idea, old bean. Let's do.
But this time I get to throw the kids into the polar bear cage.
If you insist.

 

by gabe_billings
6-23-01
Really? I would have thought you'd live somewhere a little more upscale.
Eh, what are you gonna do? When I moved back it was the first place I found. Now I'm too lazy to look for something new.
Couldn't you just take a little time on the weekends? I mean, Martin Luther King Blvd is pretty deep in the hood.
That's true. But as long as nobody boosts my Caddy I don't mind too much. Plus it's hard to find an underground home these days.
Underground? Why would you want to live underground?
Makes heating and cooling costs cheaper. Plus it's closer to the CHUDS.

 

by gabe_billings
6-28-01
Hello, my name's Kate Capshaw. And a lot of you remember me as that little black kid on Different Strokes. But there's another, darker side of me that a lot of you don't know about.
And my name is Carol Channing. You know me better as Lando Calrissian from the Empire Strikes Back. But I bet you didn't know that I'm also a board certified cardio-thoracic surgeon and a wet nurse.
Sometimes Carol and I like to dig holes in the desert and fart out knock knock jokes in morse code. -.- -. --- -.-. -.- / -.- -. --- -.-. -.-
.-- .... --- .----. ... / - .... . .-. . ..--..
.. -. - . .-. .-. ..- .--. - .. -. --. / -.-. --- .--
.. -. - . .-. .-. ..- .--. - .. -. --. / -.-. --- .-- / .-- .... --- ..--..

Showing page 6.

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