All comics by somnambulist

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by somnambulist
3-07-10
So, after having no boss at work for the first six months I was there, once again I've been left to my own devices without a direct supervisor.
You should count your blessings. It sounds better than having someone up your butt all day.
Well, they usually did that anyway. But maybe I should send out a few resumes and see what turns up.
Because you're afraid that, as the last person in your department, they'll just eliminate your position too?
(This strip also could have been filed under "Fantasies I've Had, Vol. 4")
No, I'm not paid from genral funds. But since they don't seem to notice any of the stuff that I actually do there...
You wonder how long they would keep sending you paychecks if you secretly quit and took another job?

 

by somnambulist
3-07-10
I know you were shocked when you saw my Facebook status update, but yes, I really do have a real life girlfriend now. It caught me off-guard, too!
I'm happy for you. Besides, I kind of wanted us to start listening to other people complain, anyway, so this works out great!
I just have one tiny problem, though. See, I've got all this great new material based on the times we've been out...
So, what's the problem with that? I say go for it! She had no idea what this site was, so it's not like she'll know you're mining your relationship for lowball comedy.
Well, yeah... but what do I do about my fictional comic girlfriend? I feel all dirty. And the real one is nothing like my "ideal fantasy" that Allison is.
So, wait, you are worried about how you're treating a fictional character? Hon... you really need to get out more. But maybe you could use Jon as a stand-in?

 

by somnambulist
3-07-10
Matt gets the scoop from "Jon" about his new lady-friend. Who's Jon? See http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/489025 for the scoop!
So Jon! I see you have a new lady in your life. How's that going so far?
Pretty good, pretty good. I'm having a great time with her!
Cool, but how did you end up with someone who is so different from you or your idea of the ideal girlfriend?
Oh, that's easy. For once, I didn't jump into bed with her in the first week. I told her I was happy to have a "grown up" relationship this time, for a change.
Wait, you've almost never had a healthy, adult relationship before. Who are you, and what have you done with Jon?
Nothing. After that, she got a little tipsy, so when we got back to my car, I told her the "Take Out Parking Only" sign said "Make Out Parking Only."

 

by somnambulist
3-25-10
So, Jon, how are things going with the new girl? I haven't seen you in like, three weeks.
Pretty good. It's all fantastic, except the part where she is a clueless little communist hell bent on oppressing the whole country, and doesn't really even realize it.
Wait, I thought you said you'd never settle for... well, for your arch-nemesis, I guess. What were you thinking?
That if the country is going to shit, I might as well go get laid. I prefer to think of it like a compensatory NFL draft pick.
And you are not at all worried that this is going to end very badly for you two?
Nah, I'm mostly just fucking with you. I actually really like her. Plus, when our economy utterly collapses, I might have a better chance of getting a government job?

 

by somnambulist
3-25-10
Hey, so Jon really hit it off with that girl, huh? He said that it was nice to have a girlfriend whose jaw didn't get sore all of ten seconds into oral.
Yeah, tell it to the dudes here who aren't chronically single. You might find a little more sympathy there.
Well, when you get lucky, here's what I tell the girl if she lacks stamina down there...
I still neither need nor want to know any additional facts about your cock. It was bad enough that time when you told me that it lilts to the left a little.
Never mind that now! Just look her in the eye and say... "You need to bulk up a bit, baby... eat some Skittles!"
Actually, I think M&M's have a considerably more accurate slogan for that sort of thing!

 

by somnambulist
10-26-10
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/490764
Once again, I've been going through personal problems that result in a horrendously unfunny comic.
I managed to have the second longest relationship of my life with that girl I met* this winter.
The trouble with a lack of experience is that you end up neglecting the little things, especially when things get a little rocky.
Not that she was perfect, but I could not say I loved her until she was gone. I thought I didn't want her, and two days after I did, I lost her forever.
Then I was on lots of painkillers and spent 2 weeks being a whiny jerk who would not let it go. I hurt like hell at the time, but that doesn't excuse me.
So if you don't want to live and die alone as a crazy old man like I probably will, learn to love better. I wish I had sooner.

 

by somnambulist
10-26-10
Golf joke for you, pop. A guy sees his partner's caddy put his partner's ball in his mouth and asks what he's doing. So he says, "That's my ball washer."
Well, this playing it as it lies thing isn't working out for me too well either.
This goes on for a while. Then one day the guy's partner has a new female caddy who also cleans his ball using her mouth.
Did he ask why he thought he needed a new ball washer?
The guy asks him that, but his partner says, "Dude, she's not really my ball washer... She's my pipe cleaner."
Well, son, she could be both!

 

by somnambulist
11-07-10
Hey, Allison. Sorry about neglecting you all year.
You do realize I'm still just a fictional idealization of the woman you want to end up with someday, right?
Yeah. But you still treat me better than the real ones.
Well, at least we know that your subconscious still loves you?
Actually, I've been plagued by terrible nightmares of death, violence, and abandonment for weeks now.
In fairness, I didn't specify how much your subconscious loves you.

 

by somnambulist
11-14-10
I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will get better eventually. At least you know that you can find someone, so you should be able to do it again one day.
Yeah, I know. I just hate how long it takes. I did finally get a reply from one woman online, but all the waiting is driving me nuts.
Well, you'll just have to be patient and find some way to occupy yourself in the meantime.
Since when wasn't obsessive thinking a hobby?
*Technically you can, but you won't feel proud of yourself after. I hope.
A real hobby!
There's nothing I'm all that into right now. And besides, you can't have sex with a hobby*!

 

by somnambulist
11-18-10
I'm glad you finally realize what a self centered, childish, self-centered, narcissistic bitch your ex was to you.
Yeah. Now if only any of it made me feel any better. Not only did I lose out on a girl I thought I'd marry, now I doubt my own judgment, too.
Well, the next time someone is always angry and hostile, at least you'll know what to do about it.
Ask for more blowjobs?
No! Just walk away and leave the bitch! Have you learned nothing that I've tried to teach you?
What? I just figured as long as my dick is in her mouth, she can't yell at me.

 

by somnambulist
1-09-11
So how's the whole eHarmony thing working out so far?
It's mostly really fat chicks and money grubbing foodies trying to snag a wealthy husband.
Oh. Well, what about all the events you've been going to through Meetup?
Unproductive. Of the only three to show interest, one had a thicket of chin hair, one made out with some guy in front of me, and the other one is a stripper addicted to sleeping pills.
You're never going to let me live down telling you that this is the year when things get better for you, are you?
No. And you owe me a Canadian mail-order bride as compensation for emotional distress.

 

by somnambulist
1-24-11
http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/512722
Wait, let me get this straight: you spent most of your Sunday afternoon in bed with that ex stripper* chick...
...and absolutely nothing happened. Unless you count her falling asleep and drooling all over my pillow.
I don't think that quite counts as swapping spit.
Nope. We did kiss goodbye but there was no tongue involved, which is a bit odd, because she basically never stops talking.
So what you're telling me is...
...that I doubt my life is going to be a children's fable anytime soon.

 

by somnambulist
1-26-11
So, how did those two dates of yours go this week?
The one on Monday night was, once again, dull and unengaging. Why are all these chicks total ciphers?
I don't know. But what about the one last night? Did you hit it off?
She was an hour late and I had to take a ton of cold medicine to stave off a runny nose.
So I guess that one didn't go all that great either?
Actually, her I liked. I'm hoping that we end up together so I can tell people that when we met, it was basically love at first sneeze.

 

by somnambulist
1-26-11
So, I just thought of a brilliant new invention.
Yeah? What's your idea this time?
It's a medicinal ointment to help pro athletes heal MCL tears.
Not bad, if it works. What's it called?
Knee-Gro!

 

by somnambulist
2-01-11
December, 2010
Brrr, it's frickin' cold out here. Maybe I should put my clubs away for the winter soon. But at least there's no snow yet!
January, 2011
Where's Al Gore? Maybe he'd like to come over and help shovel the six feet of global warming out of my driveway.
February, 2011
Mother Nature is a FILTHY ROTTEN FUCKING WHORE!!
Punxsutawny Phil is never going to let us live this down.

 

by somnambulist
7-17-11
So what happened with the girl from the Buffet concert? Did you ever get together with her?
Nope. Like always, she just didn't "feel any spark." And the next time some bitch tries to sell me that bullshit, I'm going to throw her into a Tesla coil.
That does sound a bit discouraging. What about the crazy stripper? Did you at least stay far away from her?
Yes, if by "far away from her," you mean, "got really drunk and made out every other night last week."
Why do you keep doing things that you know are no good for you?
I figure it's kind of like therapy, but way cheaper and more fun. Plus, this way, nobody gets their medical license revoked.

 

by somnambulist
7-19-11
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/525094
So what happend with that girl* you'd been seeing?
As of last night, in the immortal words of Doctor John Dorian's sex gong? Bonnnnnngggg.
So your last three lovers have been a secretly-married Chinese woman, an ex-Navy officer, and a stripper?
Yep. And it wasn't an officer, just a sailor. She was always bitchy, so I kept calling her "ma'am." She really hated that.
So are you going to date her or just keep doinking her?
Honestly? No idea. It was surreal. Kind of like Inception, if it was viewed in the reverse cowgirl position somehow.

 

by somnambulist
7-19-11
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/525175
How is fucking a stripper* like the movie Inception? And how did you meet her? You don't do strip clubs.
She was just plain weird in bed. And I met her at a bar. For a while, she said she was a physical therapist.
I guess that could be considered a form of "physical" therapy! So what was so strange about her sexual proclivities?
She hates foreplay, wants all the lights on, kept talking about a YouTube video she'd seen, and wanted to just stare at my cock for 5 minutes first.
**This actually happened... complete with her making bouncy sound effects.
That sounds like she... wasn't all that into it.
Well, I left out the part where she was on top and decided to bounce like Tigger** from Winnie the Pooh..

 

by somnambulist
4-07-12
Once again, I have stumbled into an actual romantic relationship.
I'm not sure buying all of your alcoholic beverages from the same cute Irish bartender counts as a "relationship."
No, this is real! But she is disturbingly normal for a girl I met through online dating. She's nice and never bitchy.
You're going to take this opportunity to complain about it anyway, despite the fact that it's going well, aren't you?
I'm just baffled by the notion of a girl who only wants to give blowjobs all the time. Am I in an alternate universe?
You're an idiot. A lucky idiot, who is probably low on blood sugar due to receiving constant oral pleasure.

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