All comics by boorite

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by boorite
12-06-01
If that's the greatest story ever told, then I'm a six-year-old girl with a speech impediment.
Vewwy funny.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
What's wrong with my story?
Don't get me wrong. I'm sure the Stone Age shepherd demographic goes apeshit for it. But it'll fly like a lead douchebag with Gens X, Y, and Z.
So I have to punch it up a little?
I'll say. First off, let's lose the thorny crown, the nails in the wrist, the spear in the side...
But without those, I'm just a preachy old hippie!
Exactly-- the Boomer demographic.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
OK, fleshing out my character... I'm a capenter...
What? A carpenter? No, that's no good. "Carpenters" these days are broke, unshaven, subhuman humps in shitbox pickup trucks.
Then how about an engineer? No, I've got it-- an architect!
Too Tom Selleck "Three Men and a Baby."
What, then?
I was thinking more along the lines of a clown.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
You want my character to be a CLOWN? Are you out of your MIND?
Work with me, here. You'll be a dirty, homeless street clown, but a MAGIC clown! You do tricks for the poor urban kids.
TRICKS?
Like turning dog turds into ice cream and pulling 100s from behind their ears. Just like the old days, eh, JC?
Those weren't "tricks." They were miracles.
Yeah, miracles, that's the word.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
So my character is a vagrant street performer who does "tricks" for poor kids...
Wait, it gets better! See, the kids are the only ones who can see the magic, because only they BELIEVE. Get it?
Hold on a minute. This could work.
Yeah, suffer the little children, come to me as a child, born again, yada yada yada. This is BOMB shit, JC.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
So I perform miracles for children because their minds are innocent enough to accommodate faith?
It sounds so much better when you say it, JC. Yeah, you can do loaves and fishes, water into booze, all that Biblical shit.
And my comical appearance is put on merely to reach the children?
You got it! Underneath the greasepaint and motley and halitosis, you are still the Lord of Hosts!
But how do I reach the adults?
Technically, you don't. They think you're a child molestor.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
Don't take this the wrong way, JC, but even in a ratty-ass clown suit, you leave something to be desired in the way of "adorable."
What can I do?
It's not what you can do, JC. It's what an adorable sidekick can do for you.
Jesus doesn't have "sidekicks." Jesus has apostles.
Arf!
Big J, meet Paul the Apostle Puppydog. The action on the toys alone will blow your loincloth clear over the Jordan.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
So where's Frosty?
He took a break from our scripting session do do a little, er, headhunting.
Headhunting?
Look, this is hush-hush. He's gone to the North Pole to see if he can lure some talent over to our shop.
This meeting never happened. Got it?
Mum's the word, Rudy.

 

by boorite
12-10-01
Make it something truly hokey/But with some geek appeal/A cosplay-furry-fandom Smokey/Bear costume's ideal
IT hit me while I was on the John/Law One of geekdom sez/The true geek is most hung up on/Looking like what he is
Can this IT make him a Star Trek dork or/A comic-book-collecting porker?
IT's worse than a minivan!/The women's sides will split/He'll think he looks like quite The Man/Tooling 'round on "IT"
Whoopee, "IT's" a scooter.
But one with 12 onboard computers!

 

by boorite
12-11-01
One day backstage...
So I says, "Them EL-84s ain't gonna generate nasty blues harp tone by themselves."
Ha, ha!
So can I borrow your Green Bullet?
No.

 

by boorite
1-02-02
Knock knock! Jehovah's Witness! Would you like to talk about the Lord?
You're knocking on people's doors at 7 AM?
You're drinking a beer at 7 AM?
You know, it's harder than it looks to break a bottle over someone's head.

 

by boorite
1-02-02
I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to be, but it can't be legal.
Margle.

 

by boorite
1-02-02
Damn DTs. I'm seeing things, but I can't drink because I'm on duty.
So I'm going to have to issue you a citation.
Speeee-OINK!

 

by boorite
1-02-02
Are you sure that thing can't get through the glass?

 

by boorite
1-02-02
Have a beer.
No way, man. I don't need that stuff to enjoy a party.
Because you're shooting smack.
Bingo. How could you tell?
You're standing here jamming your works into your arm.
How rude of me.

 

by boorite
1-02-02
Good morning, class. I certainly hope you have prepared for today's lecture by translating the assigned sections of Beowulf...
...because I have prepared by formulating a pop quiz. Please secure your books and deploy your pens.
Bitch-ass muthafuckas.

 

by boorite
1-04-02
Are you sure that thing can't get through the glass?

 

by boorite
1-04-02
Scabbard your Spunky Monkey. I am indeed "hot" in this costume, in the hyperthermic sense. I swoon.
RAAAAAR! PEDANTIC WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
One cornholing later...
Ooooh....It is not the heat after all, but the humility. I believe I have contracted a bad case of Reverse Chocolate Chunk.
RAAAR! PEDANTIC PLAYED NUTCRACKER SUITE ON YOUR CHERRY AMOUR!
I knew it'd be a Rocky Road to victory, but I think you got into that character WAY too--
RAAAAAAAAAR!!

 

by boorite
1-08-02

 

by boorite
1-08-02
A Harvard study released today touts the health benefits of drinking alcohol...
Fu-uh-uhhhckin' aye RIGHT, buddy. I got any damn healthier, ya'd have to throw a bucket o' cold water * hic * on me.
Aaaaugh, ah've boaked on me trainers.

 

by boorite
1-15-02
1: Give an example of a feminist perspective on radical political economy vis-a-vis 'Third World Debt'."
He nale's the bich?

 

by boorite
1-25-02
"Pile of the Arse."

 

by boorite
1-25-02
When you look back on this time, you will always remember the looks on the faces of the sad and discouraged chickens.
You shall impress party guests with your vast knowledge of chicken diseases, and to you the egg shall always seem a microcosm of misery and suffering.
Uh, who the hell was that?

 

by boorite
1-25-02
When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of standing half-naked in thigh-deep snow and guzzling a cold one.
It's not pleasant.

 

by boorite
1-30-02
Care to tell me why you're two hours late for work?
I ran over a grizzly cub on the way. What a mess!
Oh. Okay.
Christ, you people will believe anything.
You gonna give me some of that beer or what?

 

by boorite
2-26-02
...and this is the festering magma pit, where we subject sinners to searing agony for all time.
It looks like you're trying to impress me. Would you like some help?
Sarcasm is uncalled for.
Aw, what's a little joke between demons?

 

by boorite
2-26-02

 

by boorite
2-28-02
Wanna see the future of music? It's a robot I made. It generates notes with random pitches, rhythm values, dynamics and pan values.
...|.|..||.....|||...
But can it thank all the little people without whom it never would have won this award?
No, but it can trash a hotel room.

 

by boorite
2-28-02
Hey, bouncer-- there's a couple of drunks having a fistfight in the john. I think one of 'em is Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys.
Thanks. I'll check it out.
Got a FunSaver?

 

by boorite
3-01-02
Know'm sayin'?
Wait, Noam is saying?
No. Know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'?
Gnomes are sailing? What?
KNOW. WHAT. I. AM. SAYING??
I haven't the foggiest.

 

by boorite
3-21-02
You're not here for the gold, are you? I thought I killed off all you crusading idiots centuries ago.
It's time for a return to the Age of Chivalry! Have at thee!
HHHHRRAAAAAHHH!
AIIIIEEEE!
Not very sporting of me, wot?

 

by boorite
3-21-02
The South shall rise again!
HHHRRRAAAHHH!
AIIIEEE!
Still waiting.

 

by boorite
3-21-02
I supppose you plan to zap me and take my gold.
Certainly not. I'm just going to stun you and take you back to the ship for a little probey-wobey. Then you can embark on a lucrative career on the talk show circuit.
Does that thing have a "kill" setting?

 

by boorite
3-21-02
Sorry I have to do this, but...
Hey, look! A cattle! Quick, let's remove its organs!
Where?
HHHRRRRAAAH!
AIEEEE!

 

by boorite
3-21-02
I'm here for the gold.
Not another one. OK, wait in the Green Room with the others.
Very funny.
I thought so.

 

by boorite
3-21-02
Sigh. Here for the gold, I presume. Alright, let's see what you've got.
I've got this here ack-ack, mate.
Impressive. I have armor-plated skin, plasma breath, a 100-foot wingspan, and immortality.
But can you hop? I can hop like a right bastard.

 

by boorite
3-21-02
I wrote you a little song, mate. It goes: I got a gat, now gimme the gold or I'll play rat-a-tat-tat on your scaly old prat.
HHHHRRAAAAAH!
YIIIIEEEE!
Now I'll never get that crap out of my head.

 

by boorite
3-21-02
Let me guess. You're going to incinerate me, and then say, "Now that's what I call a HOT dog!"
HHHRRRAAAAH!
AAAAAAGGGHHH!
Am I really that predictable?

 

by boorite
3-21-02
I suppose you're here to take the gold.
Already done. We've slapped a lien on the whole cave. Our records reflect that you haven't paid taxes in, let's see, all of recorded history.
HHHRRRAAAAHHH!
Uh-oh.
Now I'll need to see receipts dating back to, oh, let's say the Code of Hammurabi.

 

by boorite
4-02-02
The 2nd-story deck gives you an excellent view...
Wow, I can see desirable neighborhoods from here.
...and here's the finished lower level...
I'm not saying there's a moisture problem, but how often should I mow the basement?
...and the living area. The window treatments convey.
Convey what? Bad taste?

 

by boorite
4-02-02
Say, I've gotten lost in all these stairs and corridors. Is this HRA?
If HRA stands for "Humans Reduced to Ashes."
No, "Human Resources Administration." I'm supposed to get the new-hire talk on health benefits.
Would you like to hear about the health benefits of being incinerated?
That depends. Is there still a burial benefit?
No. I just kick your charred skull into a corner.

 

by boorite
4-02-02
In a world where greedy developers will stop at nothing to frighten a lazy hippie...
Whhoooooooo!!!
Jinkies!
...In a world where screenwriters haven't had an idea since 1972...
Whrat ra RUCK?
My glasses! Where are they? Without them, I can't see god damn SHIT!
...the cartoon you hoped was dead forever LIVES AGAIN.
Hey gang! Let's solve a mystery!
You call that a MYSTERY? Why, a retarded dog with a speech impediment could figure--- oh.

 

by boorite
4-04-02
PHUCK MAH BHUTLOUDE!
What the hell are you saying?
PHUCK MAH BHUTLOUDE! It's what I say now instead of "Honey, I'm home."

 

by boorite
4-09-02
Microsoft Word ate my entire Master's thesis! And I had it on auto-save!
THEN DON'T USE IT! STOP WHINING!
But... but...
Buh-bye! Loser!
* RING *
Microsoft support line. May I help you?

 

by boorite
4-16-02
Boorite did it.
No, I didn't.
I was kidding.
Me, too.
Now I'm confused.

 

by boorite
4-16-02
I don't quite get this "Miracle of Transubstantiation" thing.
In the Eucharist, the bread and wine are transformed into the body and blood of Jesus, and you eat it.
Not literally, though?
Yes, literally His flesh and blood.
That doesn't sound right. Are you sure?
I think it's NEAT!

 

by boorite
4-16-02
Now that we're done with the Catechumenate, we should get confirmed together. It'd be so cute!
Cute? Er, about reciting the Apostle's Creed in front of God and everybody... see, I don't exactly "believe" it.
Neither do I. What's the big whoop?

 

by boorite
4-18-02
Why don't I dive under this abandoned boat in shark-infested water?
Oh, I'm sure it's perfectly safe.
CHRIST ON A BIKE!
Cut! Richard, what did we tell you about ad libbing?
This was no boat accident! This was my wife!

 

by boorite
4-18-02
I'm not arresting you anymore.
WAIT! I work for Dick Jones! He's OCP! DICK JONES!!
Hahahaha! You said "Dick Jones!"

 

by boorite
4-18-02
BOO!

Showing page 7.

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